Okay, full disclosure: I don’t particularly like the way the new M3 Touring looks. I suspect I’m in the majority there. I’m still not convinced the S58 straight-six is quite the full ticket either. And the less said about the 27-odd inches of curved display that BMW has plonked on the 3 Series dash, the better. Matt Bird thinks it looks quite good. But Matt Bird is wrong. It looks like the sort of thing a 12-year-old would hastily recommend before going back to playing Fortnite. The mind-your-precious-bits carbon bucket seats are silly, too. Anything you have to make excuses for when someone else gets in a car is silly.
So there is plenty wrong with the Touring before we even get to the price. It starts at £80k, although, with options, BMW’s current press car is £103,135. Which I’m not going to defend either. Fast wagons are supposed to be a grown-up alternative to hot hatches, not a substitute for a secondhand supercar. For its maker to have justified that kind of outlay, the M3 would have to be on speaking terms with perfect. It isn’t. There are bigger, faster estate cars out there. Better looking ones, for sure.
And yet, here we are. First among equals for me. In a year that included maybe the most impressive new Aston I’ve ever driven in the DB12, as well as what might very well be the supreme modern-era 911. Still, I make no apologies; favourite isn’t a synonym for best, after all. But I will offer up an explanation, such as it is. It’s safe to say that the model’s storied legacy has something to do with it. Or should I say, the counterintuitive absence of one. Because the one thing the M3 Touring is chiefly famous for is not existing.
BMW’s failure to build one in any generation previous to the G80 has, of course, been the subject of long-running discussion. Not least because the manufacturer has evidently toyed with the idea for some time, revealing a prototype E46 M3 Touring that appeared to confirm what everyone already thought: namely, that a flagship estate model would be epic by definition. More than 20 years of will-they-won’t-they since then has left a notable mark on a vociferous fanbase. Few derivatives of existing models enjoy the kind of expectant build-up the Touring received when it was finally announced.
Which, it turns out, was nothing compared to meeting the one for the first time. Being Gandalf-grizzled and virtually immune by now to anything resembling hype didn’t stop yours truly from blinking in bemused disbelief that the M3 wagon was not only real, but also the solitary inhabitant of an Oxfordshire layby back in January. Very rarely does a car seem special in a way that can be considered independent of how it looks or sounds or objectively is on the day. But that’s how the Touring came across when we first encountered it; exceptional merely for being an M3 with a slightly more practical rear end, and for being real.
Obviously that feeling would’ve dissipated if it hadn’t been great to drive, although truthfully there was never much chance of that. In its new xDrive format, the saloon had already ensorceled us with its deft, weather-defying promise of a more usable M3 the previous year; in many ways, the Touring merely doubles down on its established smarts. Nevertheless, I’m still not sure that fully accounts for just how satisfying it feels to be behind the wheel. There’s a certain rightness to the wagon version that’s hard to pin down.
Doubtless, some of it can be attributed to the feel-good sensation that fast estates tend to illicit in anyone already bought into the formula. The M3 will do 0-62mph in 3.5 seconds, and accommodate a large Christmas tree. What is there to not love about that? Granted, a 3 Series is never going to make for the most capacious load lugger in the world, but even the notional awareness of the additional space - like the knowledge that you own a petrol-driven chainsaw or an Arctic-issue sleeping bag - is vaguely comforting. Without shouting about it, your life seems upgraded for the Touring being in it.
It helps, of course, that this do-it-all mindset is underpinned by a chassis that really does convince you that just about anything is possible. I can’t think of another car that flits so compellingly between motorway, town and B road as if the dynamic requirements of all three were interchangeable. The damping and the direction change and the emphasis on a malleable, pant-moistening cornering attitude are all familiar, yet somehow seem newly remarkable as you drive everywhere with the cloistered smugness of a tick riding the back of a panther.
None of this precisely excuses the absence of a truly remarkable engine or the top-heavy dash or the plug-ugly nose - and yet the irresistible, improbable wagon-ness of the M3 wagon is the ultimate counterweight. It takes all your previous reservations about the G80, including its chunky kerbweight and the dissociative complexity, and rewires them so comprehensively that you start to revel in the model's heft and its endless, glowering power delivery. Which is handy when you’ve got a Christmas tree to get home safe. And a £100k pile of spare cash to make.
SPECIFICATION | BMW M3 TOURING COMPETITION XDRIVE (G81)
Engine: 2,993cc, twin-turbo straight-six
Transmission: 8-speed auto, all-wheel drive
Power (hp): 510@6,250rpm
Torque (lb ft): 479@2,750-5,500rpm
0-62mph: 3.5sec
Top speed: 155mph
Weight: 1,865kg DIN, 1,940kg EU
MPG: 28-28.2
CO2: 230-227g/km
Price: £80,550 (£103,135 as tested)
Honourable mention | Ford Ranger Raptor
Boy, did I like Ford's silliest car. In fact, were it sold here with the unencumbered output that the colonies get to enjoy, I’m convinced it would’ve been a lock at number one. Where the M3 Touring is as serious as a heart attack, the Raptor is all about the fun. Great, bounding globules of the stuff. Accordingly, you discover that it is best understood and appreciated by a) blokes who like the gym and/or mountain biking, and b) children. Probably it says something about 2023 that Ford can make a case for selling a V6-powered pickup in Europe to either, though not a hot hatch. But it's hard to think clearly when you're smirking so much.
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