letter to a bank
Discussion
Letter to a Bank
Below is an actual letter sent to a Bank in the United States. The
Bank Manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York
Times...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some
three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check
and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I
refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
salary, an arrangement, which, I admit, has only been in place for
eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account by $50 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness
springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to
rethink my errant financial ways.
You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will
our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model the procedures,
attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater
compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To
this end, please be advised of the following changes.
I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless entity, which your
bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with
a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will,
therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at
your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an
employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware
that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to
open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact
Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry
it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him
or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please
note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)
must be accompanied by documented proof
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number
of button presses required to access my account balance on your
phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my
new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like
yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with
whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be
answered by an automated voice service: Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
computer is required. Password will be communicated at a laterdate
to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. This month
I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woodie Guthrie: "Oh, the
banks are made of marble, with a guard at every door, and the vaults
are filled with silver, that the miners sweated for."
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank
has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency
comes at a cost, which you have always been quick to pass on to me.
Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back:
First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I
will read for a fee of $20 per page.
Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per
minute of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the
penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you.
My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well
advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New
Year?
Your Humble Client,
Below is an actual letter sent to a Bank in the United States. The
Bank Manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York
Times...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some
three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check
and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I
refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
salary, an arrangement, which, I admit, has only been in place for
eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account by $50 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness
springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to
rethink my errant financial ways.
You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will
our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model the procedures,
attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater
compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To
this end, please be advised of the following changes.
I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless entity, which your
bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with
a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will,
therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at
your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an
employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware
that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to
open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact
Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry
it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him
or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please
note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)
must be accompanied by documented proof
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number
of button presses required to access my account balance on your
phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my
new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like
yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with
whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be
answered by an automated voice service: Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
computer is required. Password will be communicated at a laterdate
to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. This month
I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woodie Guthrie: "Oh, the
banks are made of marble, with a guard at every door, and the vaults
are filled with silver, that the miners sweated for."
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank
has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency
comes at a cost, which you have always been quick to pass on to me.
Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back:
First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I
will read for a fee of $20 per page.
Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per
minute of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the
penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you.
My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well
advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New
Year?
Your Humble Client,
They do have a sense of humour sometimes
A Letter from my bank manager to me following my request for sufficient funds to be converted into a "terminater" (Following seeing Terminator 2)
Dear Mr Kelly
Thank you for your request for additional overdraft facilities. The bank sincerely appreciates your concept of loyalty (the teller you spoke to is recovering well, thank you) and indeed has seriously considered your offer of future foolproof debt collection facilities once you have had the operations.
Unfortunately on this occasion we are unable to extend you the required level of credit. We are unsure of some of the costing you have provided with respect to the high strength titanium alloy required for your cyberstructure That aside, by our calculations your current level of income could barely support the advances required just to sustain the liposuction costs. While we can quite see the advantages to yourself of the physical and hopefully personality changes that would ensue from such procedures, the risk to the bank seems all out of proportion.
Should your circumstances change substantially however, if for example you suddenly find yourself in a position to inherit the Hughes fortune then please feel free to come back to us and we may well be able to revise our position. Until then.
Hasta La vista
…………
A Letter from my bank manager to me following my request for sufficient funds to be converted into a "terminater" (Following seeing Terminator 2)
Dear Mr Kelly
Thank you for your request for additional overdraft facilities. The bank sincerely appreciates your concept of loyalty (the teller you spoke to is recovering well, thank you) and indeed has seriously considered your offer of future foolproof debt collection facilities once you have had the operations.
Unfortunately on this occasion we are unable to extend you the required level of credit. We are unsure of some of the costing you have provided with respect to the high strength titanium alloy required for your cyberstructure That aside, by our calculations your current level of income could barely support the advances required just to sustain the liposuction costs. While we can quite see the advantages to yourself of the physical and hopefully personality changes that would ensue from such procedures, the risk to the bank seems all out of proportion.
Should your circumstances change substantially however, if for example you suddenly find yourself in a position to inherit the Hughes fortune then please feel free to come back to us and we may well be able to revise our position. Until then.
Hasta La vista
…………
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