Discussion
Sometimes you wake up at three oclock in the morning wondering about days gone by. Sometimes you never go to sleep.
Sometimes you sit at your desk / TV / diner table moving food around, watching the banality of life on the box or papers that need filing or binning and you wonder about life in it's detail.
Sometimes you wonder at events gone by and you wonder at why you feel so heavy. Sometimes you know why - the logic pervades the mind with all the facts, instantly to hand, laid out in chronological order like a deck of perfectly pristine playing cards. Yet the knowing of those facts removes not a gram of the weight you carry. Sometimes the heart feels like there are inverted coat hangers piercing it, loaded with heavy stones pulling you down into the depths of tiredness.
On Sunday I will bury Lily. I will do so with love, a smile and a look to celebrating a life lived. I will share with friends, family and loved ones my beautiful girl and in the doing I will let her body go into dust.
I wonder at the tiredness I carry now. I wonder at a heart bouyed by love, yet weighted down with something heavy carried inside. No more tears, just heaviness and sleep. Yet sleep eludes me. It stubbournly eludes and resists my best intentions to travel horizontally to kinder places. No rituals to follow, no green genie to send my girl to sleep, just me, in a house full of rooms and my girl sensed near my side, but a life devoid of structure, routine and barely passed anxiety. After months of focusing on someone elses life I am a single man. How weird it seems to me to say. Already people suggest there are people who may be 'interested' in me. I shake my head in the numbness of it all. No thank you I reply as I smile, let me at least bury Lily before I graciously decline their expressed desires for attachment.
So I sit here, eating chinese, the milk and brandy but a distant memory and sweeted faxsimilie of an alternate chemial inducement and I wonder at the coat hangers pressing into my heart and say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. And the hanger presses deeper still and then sleep comes in gentle waves of a kinder acceptance that life goes on alone. I miss the words, the constant chatter, the pen moving speedily across the papers. Yet the mind fast accepts the change and adapts. But sleep eludes the finest efforts of an addled brain. The feet refuse to take their preambulatory motion upwards to bed. How strange, how very strange.
Sometimes you sit at your desk / TV / diner table moving food around, watching the banality of life on the box or papers that need filing or binning and you wonder about life in it's detail.
Sometimes you wonder at events gone by and you wonder at why you feel so heavy. Sometimes you know why - the logic pervades the mind with all the facts, instantly to hand, laid out in chronological order like a deck of perfectly pristine playing cards. Yet the knowing of those facts removes not a gram of the weight you carry. Sometimes the heart feels like there are inverted coat hangers piercing it, loaded with heavy stones pulling you down into the depths of tiredness.
On Sunday I will bury Lily. I will do so with love, a smile and a look to celebrating a life lived. I will share with friends, family and loved ones my beautiful girl and in the doing I will let her body go into dust.
I wonder at the tiredness I carry now. I wonder at a heart bouyed by love, yet weighted down with something heavy carried inside. No more tears, just heaviness and sleep. Yet sleep eludes me. It stubbournly eludes and resists my best intentions to travel horizontally to kinder places. No rituals to follow, no green genie to send my girl to sleep, just me, in a house full of rooms and my girl sensed near my side, but a life devoid of structure, routine and barely passed anxiety. After months of focusing on someone elses life I am a single man. How weird it seems to me to say. Already people suggest there are people who may be 'interested' in me. I shake my head in the numbness of it all. No thank you I reply as I smile, let me at least bury Lily before I graciously decline their expressed desires for attachment.
So I sit here, eating chinese, the milk and brandy but a distant memory and sweeted faxsimilie of an alternate chemial inducement and I wonder at the coat hangers pressing into my heart and say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. And the hanger presses deeper still and then sleep comes in gentle waves of a kinder acceptance that life goes on alone. I miss the words, the constant chatter, the pen moving speedily across the papers. Yet the mind fast accepts the change and adapts. But sleep eludes the finest efforts of an addled brain. The feet refuse to take their preambulatory motion upwards to bed. How strange, how very strange.
No not strange, perfectly normal for you at the moment.
I often found myself say, glancing out of the kitchen window with no real thoughts in my head, only to realise when I turned away an hour or so had gone.
Do not be scared if a song, a spoken phrase, a smell causes you to break down and weep.
You may talk out loud to an empty chair.
For a while normal stands still.
I often found myself say, glancing out of the kitchen window with no real thoughts in my head, only to realise when I turned away an hour or so had gone.
Do not be scared if a song, a spoken phrase, a smell causes you to break down and weep.
You may talk out loud to an empty chair.
For a while normal stands still.
Now is the time to look after yourself, you need time to grieve and mourn Lily but you also need time for your own recovery. I don't know what is 'normal' at the moment for you, but I'm sure your body and mind need some space.
I guess that you're busy organising Sunday as well, so your mind will continue to be full of things to worry about. Rest and peace will come to you, but only with time.
I guess that you're busy organising Sunday as well, so your mind will continue to be full of things to worry about. Rest and peace will come to you, but only with time.
"They" say time heals all. I'm not sure I believe it heals all but it does help give perspective.
We'll all different and I don't presume to know what's right for others. For myself I went through a difficult break up a few years ago. I'd got into the relationship too soon after the break up of a long relationship and, with hindsight, it was a mistake.
I decided as I came out of it that I was going to spend 6 months before I even considered a relationship with anyone else. I needed to remember who I was and what was important to me. I'm so glad I took that time.
I'm sure you're more self-aware than most but give yourself the chance to do whatever you need to remember who you are in these difficult times.
Gary
We'll all different and I don't presume to know what's right for others. For myself I went through a difficult break up a few years ago. I'd got into the relationship too soon after the break up of a long relationship and, with hindsight, it was a mistake.
I decided as I came out of it that I was going to spend 6 months before I even considered a relationship with anyone else. I needed to remember who I was and what was important to me. I'm so glad I took that time.
I'm sure you're more self-aware than most but give yourself the chance to do whatever you need to remember who you are in these difficult times.
Gary
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