Engineers Terminologies

[kazino]

Engineers Terminologies

• A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED

We are still pissing in the wind.

• EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM

We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

• CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION

We know who to blame.

• MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH

It works OK, but looks very hitech.

• CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED

We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.

• PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE

The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch

• TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING

We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

• THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED

The only person who understood the thing quit.

• IT IS IN THE PROCESS

It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

• WE WILL LOOK INTO IT

Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

• PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL

Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

• GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING

We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

• GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION

I can't wait to hear this bull!

• SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS

Come into my office, I'm lonely.

• ALL NEW

Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

• RUGGED

Too damn heavy to lift!

• LIGHTWEIGHT

Lighter than RUGGED.

• YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT

One finally worked.

• ENERGY SAVING

Achieved when the power switch is off.

• LOW MAINTENANCE

Impossible to fix if broken

[annodomini2]

kazino said:

Engineers Terminologies

• A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED

We are still pissing in the wind.

• EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM

We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

• CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION

We know who to blame.

• MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH

It works OK, but looks very hitech.

• CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED

We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.

• PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE

The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch

• TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING

We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

• THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED

The only person who understood the thing quit.

• IT IS IN THE PROCESS

It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

• WE WILL LOOK INTO IT

Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

• PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL

Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

• GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING

We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

• GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION

I can't wait to hear this bull!

• SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS

Come into my office, I'm lonely.

• ALL NEW

Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

• RUGGED

Too damn heavy to lift!

• LIGHTWEIGHT

Lighter than RUGGED.

• YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT

One finally worked.

• ENERGY SAVING

Achieved when the power switch is off.

• LOW MAINTENANCE

Impossible to fix if broken

• HAND BUILT

We were too cheap to splash out on the production equipment, so move the whole line to some 3rd world country and are paying the workers peanuts, literally!

• STILL ANALYSING THE DATA

Depending on what point you ask the question, Either:

We haven't got a fking clue!

Or

We know exactly whats wrong with it, but we don't have a damn clue how to fix it!

Or

We know exactly whats wrong with it and we know how to fix it, but you're gonna want the work finished yesterday, so we're buying time.

• NO YOU CAN'T HAVE THE NEW *INSERT DESIRED ITEM*

We know the project will be on time if we buy this, but it'll be over budget, cos I screwed up the estimates and I won't get my bonus, so you can work all hours to get it out time, so I can still get my bonus.

[Parsnip]

Mechanical persuasion - whacking the st out of something with a hammer/spanner/whatever blunt object you have to hand till it works.

[Simpo Two]

They look like marketing terminologies to me...

[Nobody You Know]

FT - fking tight

It needs Fettling - Get me my Hammer

A little bit more Fettling - I'm going to need an Angle Grinder

That will be impossible - We could do it but it will be difficult and we can't be bothered.

Will take two weeks - I'll start in 13 days time and it will take about an hour.

We definately can't do that - We really don't want to try.

I will demonstrate with a presentation - some pictures in MS PowerPoint

Felt Tip Fairies - Designers

s - Finance Dept'

wkers - everyne else

[Pow!]

Simpo Two said:

They look like marketing terminologies to me...

+1 , and op your a

[Ozone]

IT'S bksED

You /we broke it.

[Trooper2]

"Fix it right the first time" - it was poorly designed and manufactured, so it needs to be re-engineered by a mechanic.....

[Mr E]

One of my favoured lines;

"Well, can you un-fk it?"

[rhinochopig]

My favourite - Shuftyscope = complicated piece of analysis equipment used for taking a shufty at something.

[sadako]

Simpo Two said:

They look like marketing terminologies to me...

Agreed. This is what the customers were told by the sales and marketing department who are translating what the engineer said into weaselease.

[mrmaggit]

I remember going round a brickworks a couple of years ago, the line was stopped as the mechanics were working on the feed hopper. They had spanners and hammers all around, and were frantically trying to free the belt, when one of them crawls out from underneath, puts his hammer down and starts to walk off.

At which I said in my best Brummy accent, "It's now gud, Oim gonna need a noimber foive 'ammer", which gave them a laugh.

[Stu R]

Simpo Two said:

They look like marketing terminologies to me...

nearly as old as the internet too.

[rsv gone!]

I thought this thread was going to be about greased nipples and loose flanges

[sadako]

rsv gone! said:

I thought this thread was going to be about greased nipples and loose flanges

Only so long as the bore of the whre remains constant.

[dillenger]

i will be in my office doing some paperwork

[davel*]

Flux Capacitor - 'I could explain to you what it does but it would confuse much more that you already are'

[HiRich]

kazino said:

* THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
The only person who understood the thing quit.

(Speaking as a former engineeer) Engineers will never abandon a project, others will just refuse to extend funding.

THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
can only mean
"Do you remember when all those fire engines turned up last week, and we were on the local news..."

[MkGriff]

A new kafuffleater valve fixes most things!

[DJC]

Its when you start hearing the words "synergy" and "leverage" and "symbiotic" you know its either going to be a long day or you need to start dusting off the CV.