OH with Depression

[matc]

Hi all,

I know people are going to say this isn't the place for a thread like this, but I've read countless other relationship related one's, that have received good advice, so I thought I might as well.

Anyway, I've been with my OH for just over 10 years now, we met when we were very young (her 16, me 19) and have since moved away from her family but a bit nearer to mine. We have always had a very good relationship, we don't argue a great deal and have a reasonable social life; although we do have a different groups of 'work' friends that we will see separately. We both have good jobs, we have a very nice house, and enough disposable income to do what we want.

Over the past few months she has told me she has been feeling really down, she is sleeping all the time, and gets very emotional about minor things. She is pushing me away because it's easier than to see me hurt; she keeps saying that she needs to take some time out to find out who she is, and to gain some independence back in her life.

She does depend on me quite a bit, she doesn't drive so I usually end up taking her places and picking her up; also all of our money goes into one account so she feels as though she has to keep asking for money. She doesn't see enough of her family, which at first wasn't a problem, but I think recently this has been one of the main things getting her down.

Now I can understand how she's feeling, it must be difficult being away from your family and only having your partner for company; I can also understand the lack of independence and I'm trying to help her with this. We went to the doctors this morning and they have given her some anti-depressants, he thinks it wil lift her out of this mood she's in at the moment.

The hardest thing for me is she's saying that she doesn't feel like she can be in a relationship at the moment, because she needs to look after herself without having to worry about me. She is adamant that she is still really in love with me; and before anyone says it I know for a fact it's nothing to do with another bloke. I think our relationship is worth fighting for, but I can't cope with hanging on in hope of re-building something which may already be lost. I'm just wondering if it is the depression making her feel like this about our relationship.

Has anyone else's partner been diagnosed with depression that lead to relationship problems?

Sorry for going on!!

[rich1231]

She is banging someone else and is too weak to tell you directly.

Sorry but her feelings are cowadice and guilt.

[Irish]

rich1231 said:

She is banging someone else and is too weak to tell you directly.

Sorry but her feelings are cowadice and guilt.

Uncalled for.

[littlegreenfairy]

rich1231 said:

She is banging someone else and is too weak to tell you directly.

Sorry but her feelings are cowadice and guilt.

Grow up.

[Mc Lovin]

rich1231 said:

She is banging someone else and is too weak to tell you directly.

Sorry but her feelings are cowadice and guilt.

For once, as much as it pains me to do so, i agree with cock nose.

[drivin_me_nuts]

OP, it's very common.

Many reasons that stem from guilt, feelings of rejection (maninly of themselves) and a host of other issues besides. Is she getting any help?

[elle]

Irish said:

rich1231 said:

She is banging someone else and is too weak to tell you directly.

Sorry but her feelings are cowadice and guilt.

Uncalled for.

But probably true

[matc]

rich1231 said:

She is banging someone else and is too weak to tell you directly.

Sorry but her feelings are cowadice and guilt.

I knew that this would be the 1st response and it would be from you!!

[Landlord]

First thing - be VERY careful with starting anti-depressants. They're rarely any good and merely cloak the underlying problem.

Secondly - and sadly - the "symptoms" sound a lot more like she's fallen out of love/met someone else than true depression, IMHO.

[brum]

rich1231 said:

She is banging someone else and is too weak to tell you directly.

Sorry but her feelings are cowadice and guilt.

Idiot.

To the OP - sorry but all you are going to achieve by posting this stuff in P&P is attract cockspanner responses lke the one above.

[rabw]

I don't have much to suggest as I've never been in your position, but hope it works out. Unfortunately what you describe seems to be a 'classic' sort of thing to happen, and it seems to be doing something is the worst you can do.

Focus on yourself (be independent and happy about it yourself), don't push her, be strong and don't turn into a wuss would be my suggestion.

[singlecoil]

If she has got depression then that will lead to relationship problems, especially as she sees the relationship as the problem rather than the cure.

Alternatively she's just a bit unhappy, and thinks she might be happier with someone else.

The "needing my own space" euphemism is just that, a euphemism. It means "I fancy getting involved with someone else for a change"

[sultanbrown]

elle said:

Irish said:

rich1231 said:

She is banging someone else and is too weak to tell you directly.

Sorry but her feelings are cowadice and guilt.

Uncalled for.

But probably true

Was exactly my situation 6 months ago. I hope it is not the case for the OP.

[POORCARDEALER]

She may be feeling that as she settled down so young, that she has in some way missed out......give her a bit of space and see what happens, if you dont she may just go and see if the grass is greener anyway.

Edited by POORCARDEALER on Wednesday 19th November 12:50

[JJCW]

Money wise, set a portion of your salaries aside for your rent+bills etc, then you and her use the remainder of each of your salaries as your own money to spend, she won't have to feel guilty

Then teach her to drive / driving lessons!

[oobster]

matc said:

She does depend on me quite a bit, she doesn't drive so I usually end up taking her places and picking her up; also all of our money goes into one account so she feels as though she has to keep asking for money. She doesn't see enough of her family, which at first wasn't a problem, but I think recently this has been one of the main things getting her down.

The above paragraph is absolutely jumping off the page at me.

She's down BECAUSE of the above reasons so instead of sorting them she gets pills?

SORT THE ABOVE PROBLEMS!!!!

1. Get her some driving lessons booked then once she's passed her test get her a car.
2. Sort out your bank accounts so that there is one 'pot' for household bills etc and she can have her own account
3. Point 1 will go a long way to sorting out the lack of family time - she can then drive to see her family whenever she wants!

[Davi]

matc said:

also all of our money goes into one account so she feels as though she has to keep asking for money.


She doesn't see enough of her family, which at first wasn't a problem, but I think recently this has been one of the main things getting her down.

We had a thread on accounts the other day - this was one of my arguments for seperate accounts along with the joint. It's an easy one to fix for starters, get seperate accounts to put your wages into and set up a standing order to transfer enough cash into the joint acc to cover bills etc. That'll be one problem fixed with a few minutes work.

Second one - that's a big problem for women it seems. If it weren't for my wife's attachment to her family I'd have long left the area, quite possibly the country.

Depression can cause huge problems in any relationship, hard to see a point in a relationship if you can't see a point in anything else in your life...

Edited by Davi on Wednesday 19th November 12:52

[Andy Zarse]

That's a toughy mate. IMO it was getting hooked up with you at such an early age that is the root cause. She hasn't had her late teens or early twenties and she's feeling cheated. She likely does love you but feels she's missed out on so much and needs to spread her wings a little. Her frustration manifests itself as depression. There's not much you can do about it exzcept let her go and hope she comes back to the nest.

PS I also expect her eye has caught that of someone else, maybe a guy at work, which is why she's coming out with this line too. If she hasn't actually done anything about it, you can be fairly sure it's in her mind to do it.

[ali_kat]

FFS you all know what Rich1231 will post, stop rising to it! It is not necessary to repeat it adnausea, ignoring it completely is a far better way to deal with it, if it offends you

singlecoil said:

If she has got depression then that will lead to relationship problems, especially as she sees the relationship as the problem rather than the cure.

Alternatively she's just a bit unhappy, and thinks she might be happier with someone else.

The "needing my own space" euphemism is just that, a euphemism. It means "I fancy getting involved with someone else for a change"

Some of the symptoms do sound like depression

But 'needing space' = shagging around



Good luck!!

[rabw]

sultanbrown said:

elle said:

Irish said:

rich1231 said:

She is banging someone else and is too weak to tell you directly.

Sorry but her feelings are cowadice and guilt.

Uncalled for.

But probably true

Was exactly my situation 6 months ago. I hope it is not the case for the OP.

I think the PH massive assume 'banging someone else' slightly too often, but it's pretty likely she might want to or doesnt want to with you... either is more or less as bad for you IMO.