How do you get your heart back in it ?

[Mr POD]

On another thread :

MitchT said:

The problem is, psychologically my heart isn't in the relationship any more.

Anyway, my relationship with my wife is at what could be seen (from the outside and from her point of view) as an all time high. If not all time, then the best for 10 years.

Over that time we've lived with alot of unnecessary stress due to struggling to bring up a family on one average wage, plus over the last 3 years her move into OCD and ME, and my moving up in jobs to more and more stressful roles. I've changed jobs, more money but less responsibility and less stress, and her ME is such that she is a different person. The OCD is dead and buried.
So over the last 8 months it's really turned around, so much so that I feel like she has me on a pedestal. I know it's a fragile pedestal. Provided I appear to do and think as she expects it'll be fine, but the mearest hint that I have a personality outside our relationship and it'll crunble into dust.


My heart is not in it. I feel like I'm faking it. I'm thinking that if I hold on, my heart will be in it. I feel like there's been so much st in the past, that I just can't unconditionally move on.

So the question is : How do you get your heart in it ?

[Swilly]

Without sounding brutal or flippant, id say you need to grow some balls. Lying to your wife isnt doing your wife any favours at all.

Sounds like she needs your support and not your patronisation.

Similarly it sounds like you need her support and not her admiration.

I doubt she is so blind to not notice your feelings.... and this putting you on a pedestal may even be a result of trying to please a husband who underneath it all doesn't appear happy.

Talk to her, in a sensible manner, get the stress off your chest and see what happens !!

[Mr POD]

Swilly said:

Without sounding brutal or flippant, id say you need to grow some balls. Lying to your wife isnt doing your wife any favours at all.

Sounds like she needs your support and not your patronisation.

Similarly it sounds like you need her support and not her admiration.

I doubt she is so blind to not notice your feelings.... and this putting you on a pedestal may even be a result of trying to please a husband who underneath it all doesn't appear happy.

Talk to her, in a sensible manner, get the stress off your chest and see what happens !!

I think that sums it up. Thanks.

[Cara Van Man]

Mr POD said:

So the question is : How do you get your heart in it ?

i dont think you can..

Once that feeling has gone, it's gone.

Are you there just for the kids?

Be honest to yourself.

[tonyvid]

Little steps at a time, little steps.

[Fezant Pluckah]

Cara Van Man said:

Are you there just for the kids?

Be honest to yourself.

I am, but for not much longer, I suspect.

[Mr POD]

Cara Van Man said:

Mr POD said:

So the question is : How do you get your heart in it ?

i dont think you can..

Once that feeling has gone, it's gone.

Are you there just for the kids?

Be honest to yourself.

Honestly. Not sure.

Maybe, It's because I don't like the idea of defeat.

or Maybe it's the light at the end of the tunnel, where if I pump up my balls as swilly suggests and we continue to rebuild what we've got, then It'll be okay.

The downside is that I don't think I see the world like she does. My oppinions are often completely opposite. Not that that is a bad thing always.

[L4URA]

I think if your heart isn't in it then you can't be true to yourself or your wife. Some time appart may help you realise what is important to you and help you make a more balanced judgement about your relationship. You can work on it but only if you are true to yourself.


Just my 2p.

Hope it works out well for you.

[Mr POD]

tonyvid said:

Little steps at a time, little steps.

Indeed.

[Cara Van Man]

Mr POD said:

Cara Van Man said:

Mr POD said:

So the question is : How do you get your heart in it ?

i dont think you can..

Once that feeling has gone, it's gone.

Are you there just for the kids?

Be honest to yourself.

Honestly. Not sure.

Maybe, It's because I don't like the idea of defeat.

or Maybe it's the light at the end of the tunnel, where if I pump up my balls as swilly suggests and we continue to rebuild what we've got, then It'll be okay.

The downside is that I don't think I see the world like she does. My oppinions are often completely opposite. Not that that is a bad thing always.

I see the world totally differently to my wife, so i wouldn't be too downhearted about being that way.

May i ask how old your kids are? It's just in my relationship, kids are the biggest strain. Recently we offloaded all 3 onto various grandparents for a whole week. We were 2 totally different people. Like a proper couple. Never argued about a single thing and got on really well. Is that a possibility for you?

[Cara Van Man]

Fezant Pluckah said:

Cara Van Man said:

Are you there just for the kids?

Be honest to yourself.

I am, but for not much longer, I suspect.

Any chance of sorting things out?

[Timmy35]

Cara Van Man said:

Mr POD said:

So the question is : How do you get your heart in it ?

i dont think you can..

Once that feeling has gone, it's gone.

Are you there just for the kids?

Be honest to yourself.

for a man who lives in a caravan ( and is obsessed with blankets ) you speak alot of sense.

[Fezant Pluckah]

Cara Van Man said:

Fezant Pluckah said:

Cara Van Man said:

Are you there just for the kids?

Be honest to yourself.

I am, but for not much longer, I suspect.

Any chance of sorting things out?

No, we're beyond the point of no return.

I'm ill, and staying with my wife only makes me worse...

[Cara Van Man]

Timmy35 said:

Cara Van Man said:

Mr POD said:

So the question is : How do you get your heart in it ?

i dont think you can..

Once that feeling has gone, it's gone.

Are you there just for the kids?

Be honest to yourself.

for a man who lives in a caravan ( and is obsessed with blankets ) you speak alot of sense.

Well, I've been through all this, so hope to give a balanced perspective.

[Timmy35]

Cara Van Man said:

Well, I've been through all this, so hope to give a balanced perspective.

You said removing the kids from the house made a huge difference to the relationship with your wife.....being as objective as you can ( I suspect you can be very objective when you want to ).... on balance would you say the kids are/were worth it? They often break relationships up from what I've seen.

[Cara Van Man]

Fezant Pluckah said:

Cara Van Man said:

Fezant Pluckah said:

Cara Van Man said:

Are you there just for the kids?

Be honest to yourself.

I am, but for not much longer, I suspect.

Any chance of sorting things out?

No, we're beyond the point of no return.

I'm ill, and staying with my wife only makes me worse...

I'd go then. You can always start again.

Maybe if you had some time away from her, she'd miss you?

If not, then at least you're doing it for you. At the end of the day, we all need to look after number one.

[Cara Van Man]

Timmy35 said:

Cara Van Man said:

Well, I've been through all this, so hope to give a balanced perspective.

You said removing the kids from the house made a huge difference to the relationship with your wife.....being as objective as you can ( I suspect you can be very objective when you want to ).... on balance would you say the kids are/were worth it? They often break relationships up from what I've seen.

Mines complicated. The older two are step kids. The youngest is ours.

Sadly i cannot feel the same way about the older two, and cannot help being biased to my daughter.

If I'm honest I'd rather it was just me, my wife and the littlun.

so, it takes a huge weight off my shoulders when the older two are not around.

[Timmy35]

Cara Van Man said:

Timmy35 said:

Cara Van Man said:

Well, I've been through all this, so hope to give a balanced perspective.

You said removing the kids from the house made a huge difference to the relationship with your wife.....being as objective as you can ( I suspect you can be very objective when you want to ).... on balance would you say the kids are/were worth it? They often break relationships up from what I've seen.

Mines complicated. The older two are step kids. The youngest is ours.

Sadly i cannot feel the same way about the older two, and cannot help being biased to my daughter.

If I'm honest I'd rather it was just me, my wife and the littlun.

so, it takes a huge weight off my shoulders when the older two are not around.

Ah fair enough..... complex indeed. Very honest of you too. Enough to get my one braincell flickering away!

Life is simpler if you stick to sheep, all they want is a bit of hay..... and the potato peelings of course.

Edited by Timmy35 on Thursday 11th September 09:31

[Fezant Pluckah]

Cara Van Man said:

Fezant Pluckah said:

Cara Van Man said:

Fezant Pluckah said:

Cara Van Man said:

Are you there just for the kids?

Be honest to yourself.

I am, but for not much longer, I suspect.

Any chance of sorting things out?

No, we're beyond the point of no return.

I'm ill, and staying with my wife only makes me worse...

I'd go then. You can always start again.

Maybe if you had some time away from her, she'd miss you?

If not, then at least you're doing it for you. At the end of the day, we all need to look after number one.

Well I would certainly not miss HER!!!!

But I have to think of my kids as well, and my oldest is a sensitive little thing and it would hit her really badly.

But as you say, I have to look out for number one, and I can only hope that being away from my wife will ultimately cure me of aforementioned illness. I've only got one life and I don't want to spend the rest of it feeling the way I do.

[Cara Van Man]

Fezant Pluckah said:

I've only got one life and I don't want to spend the rest of it feeling the way I do.

There's your answer then, mate.

Sounds like you know what you have to do, it's just building yourself up to do it.

Your daughter will get over it.

If you don't take POSITIVE action, you may never.