A Petrolheads Guide to Carrier Bags

Simon Rockman has spent too much time at Bluewater...

How do you know just what the damage is when she has been shopping? You could ask - if you like sleeping on the sofa. Or you could wait for the next time you use the credit card and it’s declined.

You don’t really need to know exactly how bad things are, just the level of badness. And this can be gleaned from looking at the shopping bags in the porch. You already know that if the bag says “British Home Stores” it’s OK but if it says “Harvey Nichols” then it’s bad. But how do you judge between Monsoon, Oasis, Kookai, Whistles and Zara?

If a friend announces that he’s just bought an Alfa Romeo 147 you instantly know all the inferences. He could have bought a Golf with the same money, but the Alfa has more style, it’s got four seats and goes almost as well as it looks. It’s why your girl goes to L K Bennet instead of The Gap.

Old Bags

So here is the essential guide to those shopping bags, translated into terms you can understand.

To get the ball rolling lets look at an example. Hennes also known as H&M. If you’ve seen the adverts you know they have very sexy models. And if you’ve seen your girl in Hennes underwear you know it looks good - but it isn’t expensive. It’s something that ‘girls in the know’ buy. It’s the Skoda Octavia RS of women’s shopping. Something where you have to ignore the label to see the quality.

We’ll start by categorising the Supermini shops. These concentrate more on fashion at a price rather than value. Shops that blokes know are easier to categorise. GAP is youngish and trendy. The Smart Car of the shopping world.

It’s sort of where Kookai wants to be, but Kookai is more ephemeral with a hint of cheeky and so is a good home for the Fiat Cinquento. None of the shopping bags in this category are going to break the bank, but some things will rapidly reach the charity shop. Monsoon is a mirror for the New Beetle. We all know that deep down it’s a Golf with a windscreen that’s difficult to see out of the edges and an over-played vase in the middle of the dashboard, but there is still something about it that means you ignore the extra cost and resale values.

And if you can’t afford a new car, and want something functional on a student budget you park your secondhand Astra outside Miss Selfridge.

Morgan

A step above in size but often better value, is the hot hatch class. Think Mango, think Seat Leon. The same goes for Morgan - the shop not the car – the cars are Burberry – Morgan is affordable and a bit cool - Seat Cupra. The new BMW MINI may have a blue and white propeller on it’s soul but like our Royal family it hides its Germanic roots and so fits the Village Fete ethos of Racing Green.

As we get older we tend to want something more substantial and the love of your life will stop walking past Cecil Gee and go inside. You’ll probably feel comfortable there too as it’s the BMW 330 of clothing stores. If you aspire to such things you’ll be in Diesel, a bit trendier abut trying desperately to be a BMW - Lexus 300.

A shop that has a better idea of what is its is the stark linen surroundings of Karen Millen. Somewhere I’ve always admired more for the shop fittings than for what’s on the rails. But the emphasis is on being a bit BMW without the price and so gets married up with the fast-but-no-one-buys-them MG ZTT.

There is a certain size of car which is particularly economic to make. Any smaller and the savings are not so great you can’t trim the cost. Any bigger and the punters start to demand more in toys and a badge. It’s why cars like the Peugot 605 and Ford Scorpio have been and gone. The mid-range is where the car manufacturers make most money and it’s the home of the mainstream dress shops. Think of La Senza as a Mercedes C320, Marks and Spencers as a Mondeo, Next as a VW Passat, Warehouse as a Ford Focus and with a bit more edge Zara isn’t just any Peugot but the 406 coupe. Oasis moves up in style and is akin to the revvy Honda S2000.

Then we get into the wallet stretching territory, the time when the till receipts get hidden. You know that Laura Ashely is a pukka brand but you should be aware that it’s Volvo estate in price performance. More predictable is Dickens and Jones, it’s an Audi A6 of a shop. A head purchase not a heart one.

French Connection. A simple marketing plan on top of medioca products - the RAV 4 of the clothes world, desperately hoping to get noticed.

4x4

Much more adult is Ted Baker and the only similarity with French Connection is the drive to all four wheels. Ted Baker is establishment cool. Ted Baker is an old-school Range Rover with a bored out V8. It’s the image Timberland wants to generate but it can only manage a Jeep Cherokee equivalent. Helly Hansen is a brand that wants to be Range Rover big and impressive but is a bit too Tupperware to pull it off.

Crossing the line from store to designer we get Versace and Alexander McQueen. One Italian, one British both special and sexy. The Italian has to be a horsey car, a Ferrari 360 Modena and the Alexander McQueen a TVR, loud with great curves – a Tuscan. The more reserved Italian will wear Amani (proper Amani not Emporio) and this matches up to the reborn Maserati 4200GT. More practical is the sports car for the millionaire’s mistress, she will park the Mercedes SL500 outside Nicole Farhi or if she goes for the sharp Germanic lines of Jil Sander she’ll be a Porsche Boxster driver. Much smarter and expensive is Joseph, purveyors of fine cashmere and even more English than the representative Bentley.

Hopefully this will make those shopping bags less threatening. That is until the missus cottons on and starts repacking the Versace skirts in H&M carriers. Just the excuse you need to buy that Ferrari...

OP Posts Only

Prev 2 Next

OP Posts Only

Author

Discussion

bugmeister

Original Poster

812 posts

291 months