From Puny Mammory
Discussion
Hello,
I've borrowed JSG's computer to talk to you. My name's Puny Mammory and I am a car expert and presenter on Drivel, a highly specialised program about cars.
I must complain about the fixing of tonight's top 100 by someone called Trevor. Something called a TVR won when it should have been the yellow car first according to our sponsors.
The Porsche is obviously the best because;
1. It is yellow
2. It has a Porsche badge on it
3. It is German so it must be better made
4. It is a 4x4 so you can go shopping in it and do the school run with it
5. The boot is at the front where I can find it easily and will hold lots of jelly
6. I can park it easier - only twelve attempts
7. It was faster for Mike to drive on the track cos he didn't have to control it or be able to drive properly according to Jason
8. It was better than the blue car cos that clashed with my eye shadow
The scores were very wrong, the TVR thing got far too many points because;
1. It didn't have a cup holder - should be zero for practicality
2. It was black and scary looking, those people from the racing place know nothing about cars and desirability - we were supposed to take them to my mums bingo class for real people to judge them - should be zero points
3. Performance, the black one smoked the round bits at the back and stuck its bottom out on corners - zero points
4. Costs - err not sure here cos I don't understand numbers. Oh I know the TVR was very noisy thats why it was cheap - but did you notice that the complete front end replacement was dearer than the headlight on the nice yellow car. There you are then - zero points.
'Mike, why didn't we do the jelly test or take them off road......'
>>> Edited by JSG on Tuesday 27th November 21:27
I've borrowed JSG's computer to talk to you. My name's Puny Mammory and I am a car expert and presenter on Drivel, a highly specialised program about cars.
I must complain about the fixing of tonight's top 100 by someone called Trevor. Something called a TVR won when it should have been the yellow car first according to our sponsors.
The Porsche is obviously the best because;
1. It is yellow
2. It has a Porsche badge on it
3. It is German so it must be better made
4. It is a 4x4 so you can go shopping in it and do the school run with it
5. The boot is at the front where I can find it easily and will hold lots of jelly
6. I can park it easier - only twelve attempts
7. It was faster for Mike to drive on the track cos he didn't have to control it or be able to drive properly according to Jason
8. It was better than the blue car cos that clashed with my eye shadow
The scores were very wrong, the TVR thing got far too many points because;
1. It didn't have a cup holder - should be zero for practicality
2. It was black and scary looking, those people from the racing place know nothing about cars and desirability - we were supposed to take them to my mums bingo class for real people to judge them - should be zero points
3. Performance, the black one smoked the round bits at the back and stuck its bottom out on corners - zero points
4. Costs - err not sure here cos I don't understand numbers. Oh I know the TVR was very noisy thats why it was cheap - but did you notice that the complete front end replacement was dearer than the headlight on the nice yellow car. There you are then - zero points.
'Mike, why didn't we do the jelly test or take them off road......'
>>> Edited by JSG on Tuesday 27th November 21:27
Puny Dear,
I have read your note about tonight's program and I am sure you must realise that it was your clear responsibility to ensure that our car won. Our sponsorship cost a considerable sum of money, and in addition the fee we paid you was more than generous. There is no point in blaming Trevor when you yourself failed to explain so many of our car's outstanding features. You omitted the following:
1. It costs far more than the winning car and is therefore attractive to truly successful people.
2. Its exclusivity will enhance their superior standing in the community.
3. As is the case with a Savile Row suit, our car is essential men's wear in good society.
4. It is a suitable conveyance for responsible adults who wish to distance themselves from the young.
5. When painted yellow it will complement the elegance of well-dressed ladies.
6. We have given it a double cup-holder, thus preventing inadvertent spillage of milkshakes at Ascot.
7. It is entirely suitable for photographic work, ensuring a good result from a good pose.
8. Almost every visible part of it is an 'extra' thus drawing attention to the owner's wealth.
9. We offer tuition, so that it can actually be driven by those referred to above.
I will say nothing about the product with which our car was compared. It speaks (rather loudly) for itself. On a more personal note, dear Puny, I trust that these views will not affect our relationship.
XXXXXXXXXXXX
I have read your note about tonight's program and I am sure you must realise that it was your clear responsibility to ensure that our car won. Our sponsorship cost a considerable sum of money, and in addition the fee we paid you was more than generous. There is no point in blaming Trevor when you yourself failed to explain so many of our car's outstanding features. You omitted the following:
1. It costs far more than the winning car and is therefore attractive to truly successful people.
2. Its exclusivity will enhance their superior standing in the community.
3. As is the case with a Savile Row suit, our car is essential men's wear in good society.
4. It is a suitable conveyance for responsible adults who wish to distance themselves from the young.
5. When painted yellow it will complement the elegance of well-dressed ladies.
6. We have given it a double cup-holder, thus preventing inadvertent spillage of milkshakes at Ascot.
7. It is entirely suitable for photographic work, ensuring a good result from a good pose.
8. Almost every visible part of it is an 'extra' thus drawing attention to the owner's wealth.
9. We offer tuition, so that it can actually be driven by those referred to above.
I will say nothing about the product with which our car was compared. It speaks (rather loudly) for itself. On a more personal note, dear Puny, I trust that these views will not affect our relationship.
XXXXXXXXXXXX
Dear McNab,
I'm so sorry - those nasty boys on Drivel confused me talking about 'paddle shifts' and 'changing gear' - I only had the one outfit for TV (plus the nurses uniform !).
Also I can never remember everthing you tell me - you use such long words...
Of course it won't affect our relationship - will I still be able to keep my free Boxter as I have a hair appointment in the morning and Tescos are having a wobbly jelly sale.
I'll let you drive me over those cobbles again !
Ever yours, Puny xxx
I'm so sorry - those nasty boys on Drivel confused me talking about 'paddle shifts' and 'changing gear' - I only had the one outfit for TV (plus the nurses uniform !).
Also I can never remember everthing you tell me - you use such long words...
Of course it won't affect our relationship - will I still be able to keep my free Boxter as I have a hair appointment in the morning and Tescos are having a wobbly jelly sale.
I'll let you drive me over those cobbles again !
Ever yours, Puny xxx
Dear Puny
I'm sorry to say that you may have failed your duties more than you realise.
Yes, you let the wrong car win, but you also failed to address some of the most important questions.
Whilst I don't have the time to list the shortcomming verbatim, perhaps your most serious omission was the lack of a "Does my bum look big in this" performance test.
I hope you feel suitable ashamed of yourself!
Marcus
& Ocean Haze Griff 500
I'm sorry to say that you may have failed your duties more than you realise.
Yes, you let the wrong car win, but you also failed to address some of the most important questions.
Whilst I don't have the time to list the shortcomming verbatim, perhaps your most serious omission was the lack of a "Does my bum look big in this" performance test.
I hope you feel suitable ashamed of yourself!
Marcus
& Ocean Haze Griff 500
Hi Marcus (what a sweet name),
Ohmigod - do you think I have a big bum!!! Jason always told me I didn't know my @rse from my elbow, and my elbow is cute - so there.
We may be testing a Verbatim later in the series - I've not driven one yet, is it Italian?
I assume from your login that you work on road repairs and drive one of those yellow diggers - you must learn to spell and you will get a proper job like me. I had to be interviewed and answer 3 questions from the Ladybird book of cars !
One final word of advice - I assume you live near the sea, Eastbourne or somewhere I expect - well a good polish will get that ocean haze off you paintwork. Is it yellow like your digger.
Bye for now,
Puny x
Ohmigod - do you think I have a big bum!!! Jason always told me I didn't know my @rse from my elbow, and my elbow is cute - so there.
We may be testing a Verbatim later in the series - I've not driven one yet, is it Italian?
I assume from your login that you work on road repairs and drive one of those yellow diggers - you must learn to spell and you will get a proper job like me. I had to be interviewed and answer 3 questions from the Ladybird book of cars !
One final word of advice - I assume you live near the sea, Eastbourne or somewhere I expect - well a good polish will get that ocean haze off you paintwork. Is it yellow like your digger.
Bye for now,
Puny x
Puny
Thanks for the prompt reply.
Yes, your're correct in assuming I'm one of the many 'low brow' non-celebrities you're forced to tollerate.
Shame you won't be testing the Verbatim. I'm interested to know whether you'll be testing diggers in any future shows?
You could perhaps test performance (0-60 is possible, downhill) of the JCB 3CX and other backhoes, and how much shopping you can cram into the front bucket?
Marcus
& Ocean Haze Griff 500
Thanks for the prompt reply.
Yes, your're correct in assuming I'm one of the many 'low brow' non-celebrities you're forced to tollerate.
Shame you won't be testing the Verbatim. I'm interested to know whether you'll be testing diggers in any future shows?
You could perhaps test performance (0-60 is possible, downhill) of the JCB 3CX and other backhoes, and how much shopping you can cram into the front bucket?
Marcus
& Ocean Haze Griff 500
Mr Rumbly,
How dare you complain to our management, they get paid lots of money to make interesting programmes about cars and must know more than you about cars because they are very impotent (did I mean that or important - I get so confused).
One of the TV bosses is a racing driver and drives a Vauxhall Nova Merit which must be fast cos it has stick on flames down the side.
You people are not normal, you don't play bingo or work on TV and even JSG who lets me use his computer thinks sports cars should be made of fibreglass with a V8 and a RWD (whatever that is).
Anyway, where is Blackpool - I've never been there on holiday - what country is it in ?
Bye, Puny x
How dare you complain to our management, they get paid lots of money to make interesting programmes about cars and must know more than you about cars because they are very impotent (did I mean that or important - I get so confused).
One of the TV bosses is a racing driver and drives a Vauxhall Nova Merit which must be fast cos it has stick on flames down the side.
You people are not normal, you don't play bingo or work on TV and even JSG who lets me use his computer thinks sports cars should be made of fibreglass with a V8 and a RWD (whatever that is).
Anyway, where is Blackpool - I've never been there on holiday - what country is it in ?
Bye, Puny x
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