Discussion
My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring
the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a
good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big
ing
red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will
make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you
the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you."
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour.
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love
to you really badly.
She said - Well, you've succeeded.
He said 'Shall we try swapping positions tonight?'. She said
'That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit
on the sofa and fart'.
He said 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I
gave you?' She said 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat
b*stard'.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: What makes men chase women if they have no intention of
marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention
of driving
Subject: Arthritis
A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat
next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained; his face was plastered with red
lipstick, in addition, a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out
of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes
the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes
arthritis?"
My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked
women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping
around with prostitutes and lack of bath."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry. I did not mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope
does".
Thought of the day.
Never hold your farts in.
They travel up your spine, into your brain,
and that's where shitty ideas come from.
the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a
good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big
ing red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will
make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you
the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you."
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour.
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love
to you really badly.
She said - Well, you've succeeded.
He said 'Shall we try swapping positions tonight?'. She said
'That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit
on the sofa and fart'.
He said 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I
gave you?' She said 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat
b*stard'.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: What makes men chase women if they have no intention of
marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention
of driving
Subject: Arthritis
A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat
next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained; his face was plastered with red
lipstick, in addition, a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out
of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes
the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes
arthritis?"
My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked
women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping
around with prostitutes and lack of bath."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry. I did not mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope
does".
Thought of the day.
Never hold your farts in.
They travel up your spine, into your brain,
and that's where shitty ideas come from.
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