Is this a midlife crisis - what to do?

[Cudawuda]

Hello PH land, knowing how you are good at looking at problems from different angles so to speak I thought I would share this with you: I am 42, reasonably successful, good job, nice car (BMW M3), wife (40) and two small children. Been married 12 years. So far so good. Problem is that my wife and I have almost nothing in common anymore except for the children. We have different friends, different hobbies, different ambitions. Home life seems drab, empty and colourless. This wouldn't be so bad as I figure I have made my bed and must lie in it come what may. But recently I have become completely besotted with a woman at my tennis club. She is 30, single, and utterly fantastic. Whenever I am with her I feel alive. She is happy to be involved with me although a bit wary of my baggage. We haven't 'done' anything yet except for heavy flirting. do. Thing is, life is short. So, in a nutshell, do I tell myself to pull myself together and stop being an idiotic sad old git, or jack in the marriage, creating pain and misery for my family, and go for the new relationship? Deep down I know I will choose option A (home and family), but what would you do? Would appreciate some serious comments as well as more earthy stuff.

[john75]

Simple shag the girl at your Tennis club but keep it as an affair Divorce is expensive

[Size Nine Elm]

Begging for a date up the OXO tower if you ask me...

>> Edited by Size Nine Elm on Tuesday 15th November 20:51

[Balmoral Green]

Come back and tell us how it feels when you've lost everything wont you.

[D_Mike]

I think (using the zero experience of this sort of situation I have) that the effort put in to rekindle the important relationship and find a new, common interest will give greater returns than the effort that would be needed to conceal a newrelationship.

[wedge girl]

When did you and your wife last have time away from the children? It's very easy not to give each other time and therefore forget what you like about each other.

[R988]

Cudawuda said:

Hello PH land, knowing how you are good at looking at problems from different angles so to speak

I assume by that you mean mercilessly take the piss and tell you how idiotic you are.

If so then this is the right place

[leftie]

Balmoral Green said:

Come back and tell us how it feels when you've lost everything wont you.

I have the t shirt.

Imagine life is a sh1ty bedsit with no money to take the new princess out. Seeing the kids when the Ex wants you to, if she feels like it. Then imagine the tennis beauty moves on. Not sure what the Samaritans number is, but I'd find it out and keep it in your wallet.

[CudaWuda]

wedge girl said:

When did you and your wife last have time away from the children? It's very easy not to give each other time and therefore forget what you like about each other.

Good point. Can't remember the last time.

[CudaWuda]

los angeles said:

Cudawuda said: So, in a nutshell, do I tell myself to pull myself together and stop being an idiotic sad old git, or jack in the marriage, creating pain and misery for my family, and go for the new relationship? I see this is your first post, but I will accept the intimacy of it at face value. I've quoted the answer to your dilemma. You know in your heart of hearts what the problem is, and what a reckless decision will achieve - misery for everyone after some sexual excitement for you. A woman will tell you to throw all your energies into rekindling the fire in your lacklustre marriage. A man might say have a bit on the side it will rekindle your marriage. Had there been no children I'd have said we all change every ten years and marriage tends to mirror that aspect of human nature; so, if the marriage is dead, move on. Research tells us the next woman isn't the next wife. Only the next bedmate. And yes, it is age. You are wondering if you can still attract younger women. Well, hey, you can. And you can also spread complete unhappiness among two at the same time and your children who will assuredly let you know their anger sooner or later. You have to live with the consequences of your action. A man divided against himself is an unhappy man. Do the manly thing: talk about it openly with your wife: ask her help. Not ours. And I wish you every happiness. LA

Thanks LA, kind of what I think, but it helps to hear it from others too.

[mxdi]

I'm sorry, last time I looked this was amotoring website...


www.ivillage.com

(I'd better delete my cooking threads then)

OK, seriously... certainly for a start, dont look elsewhere, decide if it really is that too much to lose if you did play away from home.
Imagine yourself being alone and single and your wife and kids together in your house, how does that make you feel? If it seems too much to lose then stay where you are and work through your problems. Above all, tell her what you feel

>> Edited by mxdi on Tuesday 15th November 21:11

[wedg1e]

Next best thing: give the wife a seeing-to that she won't forget for a while...

[Stamp]

leftie said:

Balmoral Green said: Come back and tell us how it feels when you've lost everything wont you. I have the t shirt. Imagine life is a sh1ty bedsit with no money to take the new princess out. Seeing the kids when the Ex wants you to, if she feels like it. Then imagine the tennis beauty moves on. Not sure what the Samaritans number is, but I'd find it out and keep it in your wallet.

Plus, the 30 something might like the thril of seeing a maried man, and might see it as a safe "shag". You have a lot to loose, and she could use this to her advantage. If you split from your wife, she might turn her back on you, seeing you in a different light.
As said, I have the t shirt

[koenig999]

The other side of the coin..

I spent the weekend with a friend who has left the family because they have grown apart, nothing in common etc.

It was traumatic when he left, but now he has a new girlfriend, still sees the daughter a lot, ex-wife is getting remarried, everyone is happier than they were than the previous tension.

BUT he and everyone connected has gone through a load of shit to get there.

Take care, think about it a lot before you do anything decisive.

Koenig

[Cooky]

dont be wuss... get it sh@gged....you know you want too

[456MGT]

All women are the same

[Cooky]

besides...no mid-life crisis is complete without a TVR

[ultimasimon]

456MGT said:

All women are the same

All women are different.

Happiness is a blend of mutual respect and understanding between two people that want to make a go of it.

[grass widow]

456MGT said:

All women are the same

There's a sweeping statement if ever I saw one.

Only advice I can offer is spend time with your wife, with no kids, try to find what you had before the kids came along. Married life with all its baggage can become monotonous and boring, its up to you both to try and keep alive what brought you together in the first place.

Above all be honest, tell her you feel you have nothing in common, that you don't share anything except the home and kids. It may be a shock to her, but then you both can start to do something about it, or maybe she's noticed it too, but has been thinking it was just her.

[rude girl]

A 'rave from the grave' that might make useful reading

www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?t=21272&f=23&h=0&hw=ashamed