Discussion
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Long story short, wife had breast cancer three years ago, single mastectomy and lymph nodes removal.
Just before Christmas '25 small shadow on liver, treatment started, not effective, full on chemo commenced, everything went wrong wife got pneumonitis and has been in hospital since the 12th April.
10 days ago was given the devastating news that chemo was no longer a valid treatment, wife moved to Macmillan ward and I'm now watching her get slowly worse.
Bringing her home is not an option (not going to elaborate)
We've been together 42 years and she's only 62, we didn't fall out or argue and loved each other.
I'm f
king devastated.
I'm sure there must be others on here who have dealt with similar, any advice on how to mentally deal with what's going to happen?
I'm scared and terrified all that goes through my head is the good times we've had together and the fact that is all over.
Long story short, wife had breast cancer three years ago, single mastectomy and lymph nodes removal.
Just before Christmas '25 small shadow on liver, treatment started, not effective, full on chemo commenced, everything went wrong wife got pneumonitis and has been in hospital since the 12th April.
10 days ago was given the devastating news that chemo was no longer a valid treatment, wife moved to Macmillan ward and I'm now watching her get slowly worse.
Bringing her home is not an option (not going to elaborate)
We've been together 42 years and she's only 62, we didn't fall out or argue and loved each other.
I'm f
king devastated.I'm sure there must be others on here who have dealt with similar, any advice on how to mentally deal with what's going to happen?
I'm scared and terrified all that goes through my head is the good times we've had together and the fact that is all over.
Very sorry to read your awful news. I have not been in this situation and have no experience of how one possibly copes. I am not sure how I would manage.
I suppose the only thing to say is that you must bring whatever comfort you can to your desperately ill wife - whilst being as strong as you can in front of her...
Keep talking on here if it helps - there are always people listening.
I suppose the only thing to say is that you must bring whatever comfort you can to your desperately ill wife - whilst being as strong as you can in front of her...
Keep talking on here if it helps - there are always people listening.
My daughter and I are meeting with my wife and a funeral celebrant this afternoon.
Luckily we know them.
I'm really not looking forward to it.
The wife tears up occasionally, I do more often my daughter more often then that.
I'm expecting a lot of tears this afternoon.
I wouldn't wish this on someone I don't like.
Luckily we know them.
I'm really not looking forward to it.
The wife tears up occasionally, I do more often my daughter more often then that.
I'm expecting a lot of tears this afternoon.
I wouldn't wish this on someone I don't like.
Have received a bit of grief counselling, there were a couple of things that I thought were interesting - which I shall now attempt to explain terribly...
One was how near the event, your world view, the circle round your life, is entirely dominated by the event, and it can be overwhelming. But as time passes, other things come into your circle - the event is still large in your life but now there are other things coming in to fill your life. Eventually, the event becomes a smaller part of your life - still there (and always will be) but you have a wider range of other things filling your life, and your loss becomes part of the bigger picture of your life rather than the whole picture. This process takes time, of course, but the journey of life and all it brings should bring positive things to balance the losses eventually.
The other thing was that the grief journey is not all one-way - some days we will 'fall back' to the sadness, and that is fine. We all deal with and process grief separately, so don't pressure yourself to do it in any particular way - just go with the flow each day and take time to experience your thoughts and feelings as they happen. Some days you will feel unable to do anything or focus on anything else - other days you will feel able to go out and get things done and feel enjoyment (and then guilt, because you were 'supposed to be grieving', and sadness, because you wished you could share it with the person you have lost).
The above is my terrible recollection, so do look up grief counselling and associated tools properly.
It will be difficult, but you have 42 years of great memories to remember in the sad times, which is more than many could ever wish for. You also have the chance to sit down and plan a funeral that she will love, rather than wondering if you are doing the right thing, and to sort out Wills in advance, have the opportunity to say things you always wanted to say but perhaps didn't, and say goodbye properly and be there for her at the time it happens, which many do not have the chance to do.
It is going to be tough, but you will get through it, and we are here to listen when you want to share your thoughts and feelings.
Not sure that all helps so apologies if it does not, happy to delete as required.
EDIT: there is also the afterlife beliefs / robins / feathers / etc. aspect of things, depending on your view of such things - I have had a couple of slightly weird things happen myself, so I don't really know either way, but it would be lovely if we do get to meet the departed again when it is our eventual time to move on.
One was how near the event, your world view, the circle round your life, is entirely dominated by the event, and it can be overwhelming. But as time passes, other things come into your circle - the event is still large in your life but now there are other things coming in to fill your life. Eventually, the event becomes a smaller part of your life - still there (and always will be) but you have a wider range of other things filling your life, and your loss becomes part of the bigger picture of your life rather than the whole picture. This process takes time, of course, but the journey of life and all it brings should bring positive things to balance the losses eventually.
The other thing was that the grief journey is not all one-way - some days we will 'fall back' to the sadness, and that is fine. We all deal with and process grief separately, so don't pressure yourself to do it in any particular way - just go with the flow each day and take time to experience your thoughts and feelings as they happen. Some days you will feel unable to do anything or focus on anything else - other days you will feel able to go out and get things done and feel enjoyment (and then guilt, because you were 'supposed to be grieving', and sadness, because you wished you could share it with the person you have lost).
The above is my terrible recollection, so do look up grief counselling and associated tools properly.
It will be difficult, but you have 42 years of great memories to remember in the sad times, which is more than many could ever wish for. You also have the chance to sit down and plan a funeral that she will love, rather than wondering if you are doing the right thing, and to sort out Wills in advance, have the opportunity to say things you always wanted to say but perhaps didn't, and say goodbye properly and be there for her at the time it happens, which many do not have the chance to do.
It is going to be tough, but you will get through it, and we are here to listen when you want to share your thoughts and feelings.
Not sure that all helps so apologies if it does not, happy to delete as required.
EDIT: there is also the afterlife beliefs / robins / feathers / etc. aspect of things, depending on your view of such things - I have had a couple of slightly weird things happen myself, so I don't really know either way, but it would be lovely if we do get to meet the departed again when it is our eventual time to move on.
Edited by RSTurboPaul on Tuesday 2nd June 12:30
Thanks RSTurbo.
That makes sense.
Thankfully we made our wills back when this all started 3 years ago and she isn't a co-owner of the building. So that shouldn't be too difficult we just did everything to each other wills.
I'm trying so hard to be strong for both her and my daughter but I just get home and everything reminds me of her, the thought of going through her stuff fills me with dread.
This is surprisingly cathartic as I've not been able to open my heart to anyone yet.
That makes sense.
Thankfully we made our wills back when this all started 3 years ago and she isn't a co-owner of the building. So that shouldn't be too difficult we just did everything to each other wills.
I'm trying so hard to be strong for both her and my daughter but I just get home and everything reminds me of her, the thought of going through her stuff fills me with dread.
This is surprisingly cathartic as I've not been able to open my heart to anyone yet.
blingybongy said:
We've been together 42 years and she's only 62, we didn't fall out or argue and loved each other.
If you are not already, cherish this fact every single moment you can, with her while you can, with your daughter for as long as you can, you were blessed by being her husband, she will continue to influence and guide your thoughts and decisions through the impact of the preceding 42 years for the rest of your and your daughters lives. In a long time from now you'll do something in a certain way or behave in a way, or say something in a way, that reminds you of her and you'll go through the joy, laughter and sadness of recognising when that happens, it is a most wonderful and painful experience all at the sametime, but it is only because you have been loved so much, that it means so much, and that is ultimately all any of us really want.TWODs said:
If you are not already, cherish this fact every single moment you can, with her while you can, with your daughter for as long as you can, you were blessed by being her husband, she will continue to influence and guide your thoughts and decisions through the impact of the preceding 42 years for the rest of your and your daughters lives. In a long time from now you'll do something in a certain way or behave in a way, or say something in a way, that reminds you of her and you'll go through the joy, laughter and sadness of recognising when that happens, it is a most wonderful and painful experience all at the sametime, but it is only because you have been loved so much, that it means so much, and that is ultimately all any of us really want.
This would be my advice to a T.Be strong for your wife and your daughter, but remember to look after yourself as well.
I was diagnosed with cognitive decline a while back and I can sometimes see the pain and anguish in my wife. That can be very difficult. You’ll be in our thoughts going forward.
Don't be afraid to lean on Macmillan - they are the specialists, they will have in house and external help to get you through this part, and also advice based on deep experience for you in the months & years ahead.
Every sincere best wish and sympathy goes out to you and your family - coincidentally Mrs BF & I have been together for 42 years, so there's an element of 'there but for the grace...' for me in your story.
Every sincere best wish and sympathy goes out to you and your family - coincidentally Mrs BF & I have been together for 42 years, so there's an element of 'there but for the grace...' for me in your story.
Well the meeting with the celebrant was a very worthwhile experience after initial emotional responses she got us talking and the memories flowed.
Away from that we have decided where our ashes are to be scattered, I don't have a religious bone in my body but the thought of one day being together offers us both some consolation.
Off to bed now for my obligatory 5 hours kip.
Away from that we have decided where our ashes are to be scattered, I don't have a religious bone in my body but the thought of one day being together offers us both some consolation.
Off to bed now for my obligatory 5 hours kip.
Sorry to learn of this. Try to make the last moment as special as possible, perhaps reflect on joyful times that you've shared together whether with the family or on holiday, if it feels right.
And remember that however you mourn, that's correct for you; if others in your family mourn in a different way or appear not to mourn, that's also fine.
And remember that however you mourn, that's correct for you; if others in your family mourn in a different way or appear not to mourn, that's also fine.
blingybongy said:
I thought long and hard about posting on here.
I'm glad I did, I have received some thoughts and advice that have truly helped.
Took an old school anti histamine last night, Phenergan, and slept for 7 hours. Which was bliss.
Throughout my life whenever I've faced adversity I shut myself away; I isolate. It has been my way of dealing with what I'm facing. A year ago I was introduced to a Macmillan nurse after a diagnosis. I didn't talk to her and didn't attended any meeting I was invited to. Instead, I started working longer hours and taking on jobs that would keep me on the road longer. In hindsight, none of this really helped. What helped (eventually) was talking to friends and acquaintances.I'm glad I did, I have received some thoughts and advice that have truly helped.
Took an old school anti histamine last night, Phenergan, and slept for 7 hours. Which was bliss.
Comfort will come from within but the support can come from the most unexpected places. Not everyone will know what to say and some may even back off. But don't let it deter you. I kept it all to myself for a while and then opened up to a couple of close pals. This felt like a release and allowed me to start to come to terms with what I was not facing up to.
My little chapter is no comparison to your story but I hope you can draw something from it, even if it means talking to just one person in your life.
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