Is Everyone OK? Especially Men.
Discussion
I have been to the pub and my wife is away for the weekend so I'm up late on the internet! Get that out of the way. 
I'm just in bed doing my last few phone things and decided to see if everyone is OK? I'm having a day with my best mate tomorrow who is Polish and a big hugger and talker about feelings and stuff - kind of the opposite of how I was raised in a military family. And I love it! I love a hug with my mate and I love a full and frank about whatever might be bothering me or him.
Certainly for most British men of a certain age, ie Pistonheaders, for the most part, it feels like this isn't really a thing. Talking about feelings can be seen as girly, but it isn't. I looked over a few pages and saw a long depression thread, but this isn't that. This is just, are you OK? What's bothering you? Can anyone help, even by just listening?
We don't talk enough and it took someone with a totally different background to make me realise it in my life.
If you don't want to talk here, talk to family, friends, Samaritans, anyone. We all need it, despite what 1900s Britain might have told us!
Anyway, have a good night/morning. Be OK PHers.
I'm just in bed doing my last few phone things and decided to see if everyone is OK? I'm having a day with my best mate tomorrow who is Polish and a big hugger and talker about feelings and stuff - kind of the opposite of how I was raised in a military family. And I love it! I love a hug with my mate and I love a full and frank about whatever might be bothering me or him.
Certainly for most British men of a certain age, ie Pistonheaders, for the most part, it feels like this isn't really a thing. Talking about feelings can be seen as girly, but it isn't. I looked over a few pages and saw a long depression thread, but this isn't that. This is just, are you OK? What's bothering you? Can anyone help, even by just listening?
We don't talk enough and it took someone with a totally different background to make me realise it in my life.
If you don't want to talk here, talk to family, friends, Samaritans, anyone. We all need it, despite what 1900s Britain might have told us!
Anyway, have a good night/morning. Be OK PHers.
My dad was in the military, I'm in the plod, he never talked about his feelings and I suppose I don't. I just keep everything bottled up, explode every once in a while, then go back to normal. There's always someone worse off than me, so what can I complain about?
I do open up sometimes, usually after a bottle of wine with some Pink Floyd on in the background!
I do open up sometimes, usually after a bottle of wine with some Pink Floyd on in the background!
I don't know any of you but work has me so stressed. No one seems to understand the volume of work and I've finally decided I'm no longer going to work silly hours and sticking to the hours I am paid. Now the work is building up and things are gong to go bang very soon. Told my Line Manager today, he does not seem to either understand or care and thinks everything is fine.
Physically I am struggling with mobility issues and it's progressive so it will only get worse.
mentally I'm rock bottom because the few things I enjoyed in life the above physical issue means I can no longer do so what is there left in life beyond work
My kids and grandkids really. If it were not for them I'd have departed this world by now.
Well you asked
PS Ignored the especially men bit.
Physically I am struggling with mobility issues and it's progressive so it will only get worse.
mentally I'm rock bottom because the few things I enjoyed in life the above physical issue means I can no longer do so what is there left in life beyond work
My kids and grandkids really. If it were not for them I'd have departed this world by now.
Well you asked
PS Ignored the especially men bit.
My dad committed suicide when I was 10 so yeah men can do silly things, things are definitely different now to how it used to be with more men opening up about their feelings, my son is 20 and there is literally nothing we can’t talk about, he lives in Canada and when I travel out see him we must hug for at least five’s minutes not saying a word
_Rodders_ said:
Hugging my dad always feels incredibly awkward. I can count on one hand the number of times he's talked about his feelings and have spare fingers.
I hug my kids everyday, I don't want it to ever feel awkward.
A tiny bit of generational change.
Same, although I can't remember ever hugging my dad, or my mum. In fact I can't even remember ever being sat on their laps as a kid, though i'm not saying that never happened.I hug my kids everyday, I don't want it to ever feel awkward.
A tiny bit of generational change.
In contrast, like you I hug my lad (aged 19) and tell him I love him every day (and always have since he was a baby), usually when he comes home from work, or downstairs after being in his room for a while. maybe that's why he stays in his room for so long, to avoid my hugs??
I don't remember that ever happening to me as a kid, though I always felt loved.
For fun I sometimes hug him for longer than is comfortable, refusing to release my grip when he releases his, and we both have a chuckle at that.
When my lad was a toddler I was once given some advice - when getting home from work and just wanting to kick your shoes off or get changed, if your child runs up to you to greet you or starts talking to you about - well anything - always give them your attention straight away and never say stuff like "Hang on, give me me a minute whilst I get changed" etc, or they'll walk off and you have missed the moment, and they might be reluctant to greet you again as they think you are too busy,
The Gauge said:
_Rodders_ said:
Hugging my dad always feels incredibly awkward. I can count on one hand the number of times he's talked about his feelings and have spare fingers.
I hug my kids everyday, I don't want it to ever feel awkward.
A tiny bit of generational change.
Same, although I can't remember ever hugging my dad, or my mum. In fact I can't even remember ever being sat on their laps as a kid, though i'm not saying that never happened.I hug my kids everyday, I don't want it to ever feel awkward.
A tiny bit of generational change.
In contrast, like you I hug my lad (aged 19) and tell him I love him every day (and always have since he was a baby), usually when he comes home from work, or downstairs after being in his room for a while. maybe that's why he stays in his room for so long, to avoid my hugs??
I don't remember that ever happening to me as a kid, though I always felt loved.
For fun I sometimes hug him for longer than is comfortable, refusing to release my grip when he releases his, and we both have a chuckle at that.
When my lad was a toddler I was once given some advice - when getting home from work and just wanting to kick your shoes off or get changed, if your child runs up to you to greet you or starts talking to you about - well anything - always give them your attention straight away and never say stuff like "Hang on, give me me a minute whilst I get changed" etc, or they'll walk off and you have missed the moment, and they might be reluctant to greet you again as they think you are too busy,
It's an odd thing indeed, pisses me off a bit if I'm honest.
Im a big hugger, tell my lad how much I love him and how proud I am of him plus ask how his day has been.
One of his best friends lost his dad a few years ago when he was 8 so that lovely little lad gets hugs, massive squeezes and a bit of hair ruffling every single time when I see him plus Ill text him from time to time if I havent seen him for a while.
I didnt have a great childhood, lived in an extremely volatile, unpredicatble and miserable house fir most of the time so im doing things differently.
I also hug my dad and tell him how much I love him and what an amazing dad he is.
My pals often get drunken texts telling them how much I love them and theres a few who are going through rough times so I keep tabs on them. Theyve been amazing friends when I was at my lowest which ill always remember.
One of his best friends lost his dad a few years ago when he was 8 so that lovely little lad gets hugs, massive squeezes and a bit of hair ruffling every single time when I see him plus Ill text him from time to time if I havent seen him for a while.
I didnt have a great childhood, lived in an extremely volatile, unpredicatble and miserable house fir most of the time so im doing things differently.
I also hug my dad and tell him how much I love him and what an amazing dad he is.
My pals often get drunken texts telling them how much I love them and theres a few who are going through rough times so I keep tabs on them. Theyve been amazing friends when I was at my lowest which ill always remember.
I don't ever recall hugging my dad, and I can only ever recall hugging my mum once, and that was the day my daughter was born, and it was about 2 seconds. My dad shook my hand on that day, which was more contact than I'd had with him in the last 25 years!
That's not to say I don't feel loved by them, they've been amazing my whole life. Just that love was always implied but never displayed or spoken about.
I am stressed about work at the moment too. Being involved in projects that typically last around 3 months, everything comes to a head at the end of that period when testing happens and clients sign it all off, so three months of hard work culminates in this stressful few days where you hope you haven't unwittingly dropped a clanger that will be exposed and all fingers will be pointing at you. Like back in school / college where your coursework gets marked by the tutor and you have to wait for the result, but on repeat over a number of projects.
I'm sure it will be a very familiar feeling to a lot of you, but sometimes I feel like I'd be much more suited to a career performing a task (driving a bus / train etc) and throwing someone else the keys at the end of the day, rather than delivering projects over and over, and worrying that they'll be on budget, on time, and technically correct etc etc. I think once my mortgage is paid off in the next 5 or so years it'll be time to look at something different.
That's not to say I don't feel loved by them, they've been amazing my whole life. Just that love was always implied but never displayed or spoken about.
I am stressed about work at the moment too. Being involved in projects that typically last around 3 months, everything comes to a head at the end of that period when testing happens and clients sign it all off, so three months of hard work culminates in this stressful few days where you hope you haven't unwittingly dropped a clanger that will be exposed and all fingers will be pointing at you. Like back in school / college where your coursework gets marked by the tutor and you have to wait for the result, but on repeat over a number of projects.
I'm sure it will be a very familiar feeling to a lot of you, but sometimes I feel like I'd be much more suited to a career performing a task (driving a bus / train etc) and throwing someone else the keys at the end of the day, rather than delivering projects over and over, and worrying that they'll be on budget, on time, and technically correct etc etc. I think once my mortgage is paid off in the next 5 or so years it'll be time to look at something different.
Edited by Gary29 on Monday 9th March 07:39
No, my dad died in 1993 when he was 49 and I was 20. My mum died 2020, despite being married with two children, I don't really feel there's anyone actually in this world who cares unquestioningly for me.
I have close friends and we openly talk about these kind of things, however everything in society appears to be trying to convince me everyone and everything is out to get me.
The things I like are under threat, pubs, petrol, energy prices, dog walking, in fact just walking down the street!
The world is on fire and the political parties all hate me and want me dead or heavily taxed for everything.
HOWEVER
When I turned off the internet, took a walk on Saturday, took my lad to the rugby, had a pint and cooked a roast things felt much better!
I need to focus a bit more on doing stuff, getting out of the home office, keeping my fitness up, getting well off internet and worry less if possible.
That said, thank you for posting this, please do keep checking in with everyone in your life, get out and buy them a coffee if you can!
I have close friends and we openly talk about these kind of things, however everything in society appears to be trying to convince me everyone and everything is out to get me.
The things I like are under threat, pubs, petrol, energy prices, dog walking, in fact just walking down the street!
The world is on fire and the political parties all hate me and want me dead or heavily taxed for everything.
HOWEVER
When I turned off the internet, took a walk on Saturday, took my lad to the rugby, had a pint and cooked a roast things felt much better!
I need to focus a bit more on doing stuff, getting out of the home office, keeping my fitness up, getting well off internet and worry less if possible.
That said, thank you for posting this, please do keep checking in with everyone in your life, get out and buy them a coffee if you can!
We've had a few family deaths in the last six months. My sister, sister in law and Auntie. Plus the wife of a friend. All but the Auntie were due to cancer.
The experience has not been helped by an elderly relation who seems to think that everyone should put their lives on hold and sit at the bedside of the dying relative. It was really hard to talk to anyone about it without sounding like an utter a
hole.
It has made me think about my own demise in that I do not want people sitting around my bed waiting for me to draw my last breath. I want them to carry on as normal. We have enough in the bank to pay for care and my passing is not a memory I want someone else to be retaining.
On a more cheerful note, we have booked a big holiday and will be having a few big holidays in the next few years.
The experience has not been helped by an elderly relation who seems to think that everyone should put their lives on hold and sit at the bedside of the dying relative. It was really hard to talk to anyone about it without sounding like an utter a
hole. It has made me think about my own demise in that I do not want people sitting around my bed waiting for me to draw my last breath. I want them to carry on as normal. We have enough in the bank to pay for care and my passing is not a memory I want someone else to be retaining.
On a more cheerful note, we have booked a big holiday and will be having a few big holidays in the next few years.
I'm fine.... but I have a mate who desperately needs to talk stuff out but won't.
He's 63 and as a result of a series of appalling business decisions and a bit of bad luck has found himself in a less than ideal place yet seems incapable of outwardly recognising this. I can see him hitting a wall at some point which will quickly become a cliff.
Each time I enquire as to his well-being and mention that if he want's to chat about anything, I'm here, he either closes up, denies anything is untoward or becomes robustly defensive.
It's frustrating and worrying in equal measure.
Perhaps I need to talk to someone about it!
He's 63 and as a result of a series of appalling business decisions and a bit of bad luck has found himself in a less than ideal place yet seems incapable of outwardly recognising this. I can see him hitting a wall at some point which will quickly become a cliff.
Each time I enquire as to his well-being and mention that if he want's to chat about anything, I'm here, he either closes up, denies anything is untoward or becomes robustly defensive.
It's frustrating and worrying in equal measure.
Perhaps I need to talk to someone about it!
Mostly fine here thanks. A few self-inflicted financial worries and not the best relationship between my wife and my family but nothing existential.
When I was a child my father would shake my hand when I got home from boarding school for the holidays otherwise we didn't learn to hug until I was an adult and he was dying from cancer. I always hug my teenage sons and tell them I love them. They don't go to boarding school either.
Other than that, when my friends and I talk over a few beers in the pub it is not about our feelings but other topics like sport, families or politics. However, the real benefit is in maintaining the friendships and being able to just relax, not get into discussing feelings. Something might be bothering me but I won't raise it, I just feel better anyway because they've got my back and I've got theirs, i.e. I've had positive social contact.
When I was a child my father would shake my hand when I got home from boarding school for the holidays otherwise we didn't learn to hug until I was an adult and he was dying from cancer. I always hug my teenage sons and tell them I love them. They don't go to boarding school either.
Other than that, when my friends and I talk over a few beers in the pub it is not about our feelings but other topics like sport, families or politics. However, the real benefit is in maintaining the friendships and being able to just relax, not get into discussing feelings. Something might be bothering me but I won't raise it, I just feel better anyway because they've got my back and I've got theirs, i.e. I've had positive social contact.
Good thread. Strong men don't knock others down, they pull them up.
We blokes have an evolutionary programming that makes us shut out another man who is struggling, under certain situations.
1) he is one of our tribe, team, hunting party, platoon, whatever, something close that causes a bond
AND
2) he exhibits some form of perceived weakness. Doesn't really matter what it is.
This makes sense in evolutionary terms, where the weakness of another around us is potentially a threat to our own existence in a shared-fate sort of way. Think tribal warfare, unsuccessful hunting parties failing to catch food, that sort of thing.
It takes a very close friend, who is very secure, to not feel threatened by your struggles, and because we know this from how we instinctively react to weakness in others, we clam up, and that's why women can't wait to get together and share their woes over Prosecco, but men sit in silence or talk about football instead.
If you're lucky enough to have a huggable Polish friend, treasure that. Man, I wish I did.
However, I do believe that there's another way to find the connection and empathy we all need, and that's from strangers. There's no shared-fate here on PH, nobody is threatened by anyone else's troubles. We won't go hungry tonight if one of the PH hunting party can't keep up. And I do believe that physical distance between us has the potential to bring out the very best in us blokes, when we're not doing the important stuff like vociferously debating the future of electric propulsion, naturally.
It's no substitute for a GP, a therapist, or a helpline if you are in crisis, but many of us are just silently struggling through life, not at rock bottom, just carrying a stload of weight in our packs.
I applaud the thread. Some days I need it. Today I'm ok, so I'm here to lighten somebody else's pack if I can.
We blokes have an evolutionary programming that makes us shut out another man who is struggling, under certain situations.
1) he is one of our tribe, team, hunting party, platoon, whatever, something close that causes a bond
AND
2) he exhibits some form of perceived weakness. Doesn't really matter what it is.
This makes sense in evolutionary terms, where the weakness of another around us is potentially a threat to our own existence in a shared-fate sort of way. Think tribal warfare, unsuccessful hunting parties failing to catch food, that sort of thing.
It takes a very close friend, who is very secure, to not feel threatened by your struggles, and because we know this from how we instinctively react to weakness in others, we clam up, and that's why women can't wait to get together and share their woes over Prosecco, but men sit in silence or talk about football instead.
If you're lucky enough to have a huggable Polish friend, treasure that. Man, I wish I did.
However, I do believe that there's another way to find the connection and empathy we all need, and that's from strangers. There's no shared-fate here on PH, nobody is threatened by anyone else's troubles. We won't go hungry tonight if one of the PH hunting party can't keep up. And I do believe that physical distance between us has the potential to bring out the very best in us blokes, when we're not doing the important stuff like vociferously debating the future of electric propulsion, naturally.
It's no substitute for a GP, a therapist, or a helpline if you are in crisis, but many of us are just silently struggling through life, not at rock bottom, just carrying a s
tload of weight in our packs.I applaud the thread. Some days I need it. Today I'm ok, so I'm here to lighten somebody else's pack if I can.
No, far from it.
I spent all of last year fighting through my divorce and my dad decided to kill himself in July at the age of 73. My 7yr-old son is massively struggling at school after being diagnosed with autism and I'm sick of being single whilst simultaneously having absolutely no interest in having a relationship with someone.
2025 was definitely the year I found out that rock bottom always has a basement...
I spent all of last year fighting through my divorce and my dad decided to kill himself in July at the age of 73. My 7yr-old son is massively struggling at school after being diagnosed with autism and I'm sick of being single whilst simultaneously having absolutely no interest in having a relationship with someone.
2025 was definitely the year I found out that rock bottom always has a basement...
Animal said:
No, far from it.
I spent all of last year fighting through my divorce and my dad decided to kill himself in July at the age of 73. My 7yr-old son is massively struggling at school after being diagnosed with autism and I'm sick of being single whilst simultaneously having absolutely no interest in having a relationship with someone.
2025 was definitely the year I found out that rock bottom always has a basement...
You have my deepest sympathies, losing your dad like from bitter experience is horrible, I hope that things turn a corner for you I spent all of last year fighting through my divorce and my dad decided to kill himself in July at the age of 73. My 7yr-old son is massively struggling at school after being diagnosed with autism and I'm sick of being single whilst simultaneously having absolutely no interest in having a relationship with someone.
2025 was definitely the year I found out that rock bottom always has a basement...
Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff