Reconnecting with children - succeeded how?
Discussion
I was reading a thread in the finance forum, which suggested to the poster that he re-connect with his children.
I am curious to know who has managed it and how.
By way of where I am. I got divorced in 2018. I had an arrangement to see my children mid- week, weekends, holidays and moved a 10 min walk away to make it easier for all of us to stay connected. My daughter stopped coming in 2019 and my son in 2020, their ages then 12 and 10 respectively.
Since then no contact. I have written every month till last Christmas and texted, on average, fortnightly to my daughter. My son never gave me his mobile number and my daughter has blocked me on whatsapp, after I failed to respond to a message within the allocated hour. I still do parents evening as its the only link I have to them.
At my age, 58, I have the option of deciding what to do with my life. They are now 16 and 18, son and daughter. No idea what or where my daughter is going to university and I have no contact with their mother or any of my ex in-laws.
I have researched this and understand the dynamics that have lead to this and my own personal journey.
So for any in a similar situation what did you do, what can I do? I don't intend to write so frequently anymore or text. Partially because I struggle with it and partially because they are older and I am not sure that its helpful for me or them.
I did have a whole bunch of letters returned to my about 2 years ago, mostly unopened, so I am not clear where I stand.
Maintenance etc was all paid in a lump sum prior to divorce. Legal advice etc was taken but overall advice at the time was the likeihood of success was very low and even if I won, I would have to go back to court if they refused to come. Their mother has stated that they are free to come see me, they choose not to and there is nothing she can do about it.
I am not looking for sympathy etc but I would like to know if I am missing something obvious that I can do.
cheers
I am curious to know who has managed it and how.
By way of where I am. I got divorced in 2018. I had an arrangement to see my children mid- week, weekends, holidays and moved a 10 min walk away to make it easier for all of us to stay connected. My daughter stopped coming in 2019 and my son in 2020, their ages then 12 and 10 respectively.
Since then no contact. I have written every month till last Christmas and texted, on average, fortnightly to my daughter. My son never gave me his mobile number and my daughter has blocked me on whatsapp, after I failed to respond to a message within the allocated hour. I still do parents evening as its the only link I have to them.
At my age, 58, I have the option of deciding what to do with my life. They are now 16 and 18, son and daughter. No idea what or where my daughter is going to university and I have no contact with their mother or any of my ex in-laws.
I have researched this and understand the dynamics that have lead to this and my own personal journey.
So for any in a similar situation what did you do, what can I do? I don't intend to write so frequently anymore or text. Partially because I struggle with it and partially because they are older and I am not sure that its helpful for me or them.
I did have a whole bunch of letters returned to my about 2 years ago, mostly unopened, so I am not clear where I stand.
Maintenance etc was all paid in a lump sum prior to divorce. Legal advice etc was taken but overall advice at the time was the likeihood of success was very low and even if I won, I would have to go back to court if they refused to come. Their mother has stated that they are free to come see me, they choose not to and there is nothing she can do about it.
I am not looking for sympathy etc but I would like to know if I am missing something obvious that I can do.
cheers
sad thread OP. the thought of not speaking to my kids is unbearable. can I ask why you think there has been no contact since the split? do you believe the mother is poisoning them against you? how was your relationship with the kids before the split. it seems weird that they would suddenly stop contact unless something major happened to cause this?
I had an excellent relationship with the children pre divorce (I was their go-to, in their younger years) and with my son post divorce, but can understand how he would have struggled to see me, go back and see validation from his mother and sister, especially at his age.
My children don't see any of my family, either.
I know my ex has said things about me that are not true, long story.
I believe the term in the press is parental alienation. It doesn't really matter, I just want to know if I have missed something obvious.
My children don't see any of my family, either.
I know my ex has said things about me that are not true, long story.
I believe the term in the press is parental alienation. It doesn't really matter, I just want to know if I have missed something obvious.
Edited by hellsbuddha on Monday 2nd March 19:58
STe_rsv4 said:
sad thread OP. the thought of not speaking to my kids is unbearable. can I ask why you think there has been no contact since the split? do you believe the mother is poisoning them against you? how was your relationship with the kids before the split. it seems weird that they would suddenly stop contact unless something major happened to cause this?
That's my first thought too. Who knows what their mum is saying, but at the same time it's not impossible they could be resenting you for something you actually did do but didn't realise was particularly major at the time. Plus there's just the fact that lots of youngsters are very busyWhile it's possible the transactional nature might be counterproductive perhaps offer to help them with money if they're going to university/college/etc in return for giving you the time of day? Plugging the gap of 5 years of no contact won't happen overnight, but assuming you aren't a ghastly person to be with just spending time in your company should stand a chance of rebuilding a familial bond.
hellsbuddha said:
I had an excellent relationship with the children pre divorce (I was their go-to, in their younger years) and with my son post divorce, but can understand how he would have struggled to see me, go back and see validation from his mother and sister, especially at his age.
My children don't see any of my family, either.
I know my ex has said things about me that are not true, long story.
I believe the term in the press is parental alienation. It doesn't really matter, I just want to know if I have missed something obvious.
I was about to post about the ex. This is probably the core of it, I think. My children don't see any of my family, either.
I know my ex has said things about me that are not true, long story.
I believe the term in the press is parental alienation. It doesn't really matter, I just want to know if I have missed something obvious.
Edited by hellsbuddha on Monday 2nd March 19:58
You may have to let them go. I haven't spoken to one of my daughters in 15 years and the other I speak to 3-4 times a year but haven't met her for 10 years.
Like many, I never ever dreamed of such a situation but you can beat yourself up about it but there's nothing you can do. I consider my daughters as distant relatives and get on with life without thinking about them.
It sounds harsh but there's no other way.
Like many, I never ever dreamed of such a situation but you can beat yourself up about it but there's nothing you can do. I consider my daughters as distant relatives and get on with life without thinking about them.
It sounds harsh but there's no other way.
AB said:
Horrible to hear stories like this, it upsets me with just the thought of my kids not wanting to see me to be honest.
Can you not try just knocking round and give it one last go to sit down with them and talk?
I have tried that, waiting at bus stops to see if they want to talk, offering to meet for coffee at the high street, enlist the school all to no avail. I guess I need to find a different meaning in life.Can you not try just knocking round and give it one last go to sit down with them and talk?
My wife’s cousin is in the same position following his divorce a few years ago (which should have happened years before). Children are both early - mid 20s and have been completely cut out of his life. Cut out of their grandmother’s life as well. Heartbreaking and cruel.
I can only hope that your children are one day able to make the decision to re-engage.
I can only hope that your children are one day able to make the decision to re-engage.
Divorced in 2008
Last contact with my daughter was in 2012 when she was 10. (I was 40)
I had gifted the house to ex, (who was classed as disabled and had no chance of providing a home for our daughter) paid CSA on time, military precision with arranged contact.
Parental alienation, with me ensued (and all my family so I know it's not that I didn't do all I could, or was a bad person)
At the time it was headline news that non-resident parents could spend hundreds of thousands of pounds on the fight, and still lose because of a birthday party, homework, illness...any excuse.... and any extension of reduced contact normalises it for the child.
I tried letters, messaging on multiple apps
My Aunty even bought her a car for her 17th in 2019 and my folks paid for insurance
Comms was monitored by the mother "you can come and give her the car, but you must not mention her dad"
The comms lasted around 6th months before that went dark again.
It hurts beyond words, my girl was born 3 months prem and I re-started her heart a week after we got her home, I was (am) a good dad.
But YOU have one life, it's up to you how you spend it. You can only control your (re)actions, you can't control theirs.
I look forward and hope that one day she will ask questions and find me, but I also get on with the life I'm making for me.
What can you do? make yourself easily contactable online, easy to find.
Don't forget their birthdays.
Last contact with my daughter was in 2012 when she was 10. (I was 40)
I had gifted the house to ex, (who was classed as disabled and had no chance of providing a home for our daughter) paid CSA on time, military precision with arranged contact.
Parental alienation, with me ensued (and all my family so I know it's not that I didn't do all I could, or was a bad person)
At the time it was headline news that non-resident parents could spend hundreds of thousands of pounds on the fight, and still lose because of a birthday party, homework, illness...any excuse.... and any extension of reduced contact normalises it for the child.
I tried letters, messaging on multiple apps
My Aunty even bought her a car for her 17th in 2019 and my folks paid for insurance
Comms was monitored by the mother "you can come and give her the car, but you must not mention her dad"
The comms lasted around 6th months before that went dark again.
It hurts beyond words, my girl was born 3 months prem and I re-started her heart a week after we got her home, I was (am) a good dad.
But YOU have one life, it's up to you how you spend it. You can only control your (re)actions, you can't control theirs.
I look forward and hope that one day she will ask questions and find me, but I also get on with the life I'm making for me.
What can you do? make yourself easily contactable online, easy to find.
Don't forget their birthdays.
Since you've not been with them through this stage, it's worth pointing out teenagers can be pretty unpleasant until they have experience and brain maturity which usually comes in the mid 20s. Unpleasant as it is, some seem to need to go through this phase in order to separate and make their way in the world. They will be very tied up with exams and friend groups. They are probably not giving their mum much thought either and she is dealing with this on a daily basis.
One aspect of teens is that they can be very black/white and judgemental. Whilst it's not unreasonable to suspect bad mouthing/lies, your ex may not have had to try too hard to trigger the sanctimonious teen reflex. They only need to see that she's been hurt. There's an element of Mark Twain's observation of his father in the way children judge us, which we have to accept as parents.
Around 80% divorced fathers is report contact with their kids so this speaks to some combination or good behaviour and court enforcement working in the majority of cases.
Given that they are adults, the chances of proving and rectifying parental alienation is remote. You're left with a very long game. Either patient, warm, non judgemental contact which (if they drop contact) will necessitate some negotitation with your ex. or resigning yourself that this chapter is over. As it's a form of bereavement, counselling might help in either case.
One aspect of teens is that they can be very black/white and judgemental. Whilst it's not unreasonable to suspect bad mouthing/lies, your ex may not have had to try too hard to trigger the sanctimonious teen reflex. They only need to see that she's been hurt. There's an element of Mark Twain's observation of his father in the way children judge us, which we have to accept as parents.
Around 80% divorced fathers is report contact with their kids so this speaks to some combination or good behaviour and court enforcement working in the majority of cases.
Given that they are adults, the chances of proving and rectifying parental alienation is remote. You're left with a very long game. Either patient, warm, non judgemental contact which (if they drop contact) will necessitate some negotitation with your ex. or resigning yourself that this chapter is over. As it's a form of bereavement, counselling might help in either case.
oddman said:
Given that they are adults, the chances of proving and rectifying parental alienation is remote. You're left with a very long game. Either patient, warm, non judgemental contact which (if they drop contact) will necessitate some negotitation with your ex. or resigning yourself that this chapter is over. As it's a form of bereavement, counselling might help in either case.
thanks, I think I am coming to terms that I may get some bereavement counselling, and maybe I just not willing to step into that and feel I ought to keep doing something, but I dont know whathellsbuddha said:
I had an excellent relationship with the children pre divorce (I was their go-to, in their younger years) and with my son post divorce, but can understand how he would have struggled to see me, go back and see validation from his mother and sister, especially at his age.
My children don't see any of my family, either.
I know my ex has said things about me that are not true, long story.
I believe the term in the press is parental alienation. It doesn't really matter, I just want to know if I have missed something obvious.
So very sad to read this, hellsbuddha.My children don't see any of my family, either.
I know my ex has said things about me that are not true, long story.
I believe the term in the press is parental alienation. It doesn't really matter, I just want to know if I have missed something obvious.
Edited by hellsbuddha on Monday 2nd March 19:58
Often men are cited in a marriage/relationship breakdown for not caring (obviously a generalisation) but to read how many men 'suffer' via treatment by their former partner (using children) is heart-breaking; especially when the man wants to be a co-parent.
Without any further knowledge, I cannot suggest what you 'may' have done differently, but what you have written, I'd say nothing.
Perhaps one more attempt, via a letter to school or a friend to either your son or daughter, or both, may be possible?
I sincerely hope you get the contact.
Thinking of you and wishing you the very best.
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