Coping with a parent with dementia
Discussion
My dad was recently diagnosed with memory impairment following a forced DVLA health assessment. He has been referred to the memory clinic for more tests and head scans.
His decline has definitely progressed quite a bit in the past 3-4 years. His driving in particular had got horrendous. Straddling the centre line, almost veering into cars then swearing at them like its their fault. Started getting lost in familiar places too.
Anyway the DVLA has said he can't drive until these further examinations and he hasn't taken it well at all. He's been drinking daily for at least 3 years I'd say. Not huge amounts, but 3-4 beers, which mixes with the bucket load of medications he doesn't need to be on and it just isn't going well. He apparently laid on the kitchen floor for hours last night, absolutely distraught about his licence.
It's my mother who has to deal with it as she lives with him and has basically become a carer. She's 16 years younger than him too (He's 81). She is weighing up options when the diseases progresses. A care home is a huge financial hit, the alternative is she moves out and has a carer come to the house to care for him.
Has anyone else gone through the same and can offer any advice? Especially the financial aspect of it.
His decline has definitely progressed quite a bit in the past 3-4 years. His driving in particular had got horrendous. Straddling the centre line, almost veering into cars then swearing at them like its their fault. Started getting lost in familiar places too.
Anyway the DVLA has said he can't drive until these further examinations and he hasn't taken it well at all. He's been drinking daily for at least 3 years I'd say. Not huge amounts, but 3-4 beers, which mixes with the bucket load of medications he doesn't need to be on and it just isn't going well. He apparently laid on the kitchen floor for hours last night, absolutely distraught about his licence.
It's my mother who has to deal with it as she lives with him and has basically become a carer. She's 16 years younger than him too (He's 81). She is weighing up options when the diseases progresses. A care home is a huge financial hit, the alternative is she moves out and has a carer come to the house to care for him.
Has anyone else gone through the same and can offer any advice? Especially the financial aspect of it.
You only need to pay for a Care Home from savings, if the home is in his wife's name too they cannot touch a penny of it. They may try to convince you otherwise by saying she could move somewhere smaller and more manageable but once you sell the home then they can take your Dad's half. If your mum stays put, they cannot touch the house.
Also might be worth changing the house to tenants in common too, should something happen to your mum first then at least you would inherit her half rather to it all then going to your Dad's care.
Also might be worth changing the house to tenants in common too, should something happen to your mum first then at least you would inherit her half rather to it all then going to your Dad's care.
Sorry to hear you are going through this, we had a few years of dealing with my MILs dementia, she was widowed so on her own. We were about ten minutes away, both working full-time and the only local family.
At first we had carers in for increasing amounts of time but it hit a point where she wasn’t safe on her own so a care home was the only way.
If your Mum can manage him at home with help from carers that’s great but it will be a big strain on her and a care home would allow her some life of her own. I don’t know if it’s good to do that move sooner for your Mum’s sake and so your Dad can settle while he is more able to understand what is going on, obviously that comes at a cost and he will most likely not want to be there, my MIL hated it and I can’t blame her.
The costs are high of course, my understanding is that if he has savings above about £20k they have to be used before you can get any help. I don’t know what applies to money held in joint accounts etc, others may be able you advise.
Regarding driving, what you are describing sounds like you are at the point where you have to take the keys off him. It’s awful and we had to do the same but the reality is that he could hurt himself or someone else.
At first we had carers in for increasing amounts of time but it hit a point where she wasn’t safe on her own so a care home was the only way.
If your Mum can manage him at home with help from carers that’s great but it will be a big strain on her and a care home would allow her some life of her own. I don’t know if it’s good to do that move sooner for your Mum’s sake and so your Dad can settle while he is more able to understand what is going on, obviously that comes at a cost and he will most likely not want to be there, my MIL hated it and I can’t blame her.
The costs are high of course, my understanding is that if he has savings above about £20k they have to be used before you can get any help. I don’t know what applies to money held in joint accounts etc, others may be able you advise.
Regarding driving, what you are describing sounds like you are at the point where you have to take the keys off him. It’s awful and we had to do the same but the reality is that he could hurt himself or someone else.
Steve H said:
Regarding driving, what you are describing sounds like you are at the point where you have to take the keys off him. It s awful and we had to do the same but the reality is that he could hurt himself or someone else.
It sounds like he has understood he shouldn't be driving hence his reaction to it. If he continues to drive, hiding the keys might work, but may have unintended consequences eg. He assumes he's lost them and keeps turning the house over looking for them. Worse blames his wife for hiding them and gets angry.From what you describe, I don't think there is any chance he'll pass a driver assessment. If possible get the car (with his agreement) sold, moved or rendered inoperable.
The cruelty of dementia is that once you solve a problem (this problem will go away on its own as he will forget about driving sooner or later) then there will be a new series of problems to deal with. There's no standing still and no opportunity to come to terms with what's going on.
Put the focus on getting as much support for your mum as possible. Local Authority Social Services assessment, carer assessment, benefits review (attendance allowance), council tax expemtion. Alzheimers Society may offer support and services but may be patchy.
If he's still in contact with memory services, would be worth keeping them informed about his drinking and behaviour and considering whether he may be depressed (common and can be a useful intervention to treat independently of dementia)
^^^ totally agree.
I’m not suggesting hiding the keys, he does need to know he can’t drive any more but that doesn’t mean he won’t try, trust me on this. The reality of knowing this is a step in your decline must be impossible to get to grips with.
In the end we simply took the MILs car away and set up with a local taxi firm to be able to take her anywhere, they were really good and looked after her well. In the OPs case I’m guessing his Mum may drive so the car could need to stay where it is.
I’m not suggesting hiding the keys, he does need to know he can’t drive any more but that doesn’t mean he won’t try, trust me on this. The reality of knowing this is a step in your decline must be impossible to get to grips with.
In the end we simply took the MILs car away and set up with a local taxi firm to be able to take her anywhere, they were really good and looked after her well. In the OPs case I’m guessing his Mum may drive so the car could need to stay where it is.
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