School challenges... again
Discussion
My five year old son is really experience a lot of issues with school at the moment.
Phone call Wednesday at 330 from the headmaster, I couldn't pick it up as I was driving, missus phones and he's been suspended for the following day following some incidents.
The main problem they have is he is being aggressive, punching, pushing when he doesn't get his way etc. The teachers also have experienced a lack of respect towards them, not listening, not being happy when they say no.
We went in for a meeting this morning with the head after yesterday suspension, my god, the head teacher spoke at my son for a about two minutes, I doubt he took a single word onboard, we both struggled too follow it, it was all bloody scripted BS.
I do not want my son growing up experiencing school like this at early age, he has another 12 years of this, I am struggling to understand why he is doing this, we communicate well, but I am noticing he is becoming more reluctant to open up around this.
The school seem to be doing very little other than say they want the rules to be followed, they aren't getting into the "why" enough. We both aren't happy with them and when I walked away this morning I felt it was more about telling us to deal with it for them.
He now has a behaviour plan, two A4 Pages full of what he needs to work on. And a number of things they are going to do to encourage better behaviour.
Apparently the head also said today he may have Dyspraxia that I've never heard of, is this yet another thing diagnosed by the sound of it alongside ADHD.
I really don't know what to do to stop this, we both aren't happy with the school not just around this with my son but in general with the other kids we notice etc, but trying another school doesn't feel like the right answer to me.
Any suggestions/resources?
Phone call Wednesday at 330 from the headmaster, I couldn't pick it up as I was driving, missus phones and he's been suspended for the following day following some incidents.
The main problem they have is he is being aggressive, punching, pushing when he doesn't get his way etc. The teachers also have experienced a lack of respect towards them, not listening, not being happy when they say no.
We went in for a meeting this morning with the head after yesterday suspension, my god, the head teacher spoke at my son for a about two minutes, I doubt he took a single word onboard, we both struggled too follow it, it was all bloody scripted BS.
I do not want my son growing up experiencing school like this at early age, he has another 12 years of this, I am struggling to understand why he is doing this, we communicate well, but I am noticing he is becoming more reluctant to open up around this.
The school seem to be doing very little other than say they want the rules to be followed, they aren't getting into the "why" enough. We both aren't happy with them and when I walked away this morning I felt it was more about telling us to deal with it for them.
He now has a behaviour plan, two A4 Pages full of what he needs to work on. And a number of things they are going to do to encourage better behaviour.
Apparently the head also said today he may have Dyspraxia that I've never heard of, is this yet another thing diagnosed by the sound of it alongside ADHD.
I really don't know what to do to stop this, we both aren't happy with the school not just around this with my son but in general with the other kids we notice etc, but trying another school doesn't feel like the right answer to me.
Any suggestions/resources?
fourstardan said:
. We both aren't happy with them and when I walked away this morning I felt it was more about telling us to deal with it for them.
Because teaching is their job and parenting is yours? It really doesn’t sound like much fun at all and there’s clearly a problem but your post frames it all around what the school is doing (or isn’t) rather than the choices your son is making? Schools do not suspend without good reason these days and it’s actually incredibly difficult to do, so if it’s happened repeatedly it’s probably not without cause.
okgo said:
Could try the first thread you made. Lots of people provided lots of stuff, you didn t like it as it mostly for some reason.
For anyone that wants more information before replying, probably worth going through the previous 2 threads first.Part 1 - https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...
Part 2 - https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...
MiniMan64 said:
Because teaching is their job and parenting is yours?
It really doesn t sound like much fun at all and there s clearly a problem but your post frames it all around what the school is doing (or isn t) rather than the choices your son is making? Schools do not suspend without good reason these days and it s actually incredibly difficult to do, so if it s happened repeatedly it s probably not without cause.
I don't have an issue with them doing what needs to be done. I just felt that for a child to be a tad too fast to be processed.It really doesn t sound like much fun at all and there s clearly a problem but your post frames it all around what the school is doing (or isn t) rather than the choices your son is making? Schools do not suspend without good reason these days and it s actually incredibly difficult to do, so if it s happened repeatedly it s probably not without cause.
That was the other issue all week we have had no reports from teachers serious enough to report in an email, phone call etc, then at 330 suspension and we found that rather unacceptable.
I don't quite know how they can think that level of warning is acceptable myself. What do they expect you to do at work?
Sounds like you will know Best and you will have the answers no point asking anyone for advice as you won't listen and they will be wrong.
If you do listen - try a private school with smaller classes and more support.
If he is still troublesome there its not everyone else and the school its the kid and you can work on it.
Boys need tiring out, being outside and running off their energy. If not they are classed as boisterous, naughty and troublesome particularly in very feminine womens environments like state primary.
If you do listen - try a private school with smaller classes and more support.
If he is still troublesome there its not everyone else and the school its the kid and you can work on it.
Boys need tiring out, being outside and running off their energy. If not they are classed as boisterous, naughty and troublesome particularly in very feminine womens environments like state primary.
fourstardan said:
MiniMan64 said:
Because teaching is their job and parenting is yours?
It really doesn t sound like much fun at all and there s clearly a problem but your post frames it all around what the school is doing (or isn t) rather than the choices your son is making? Schools do not suspend without good reason these days and it s actually incredibly difficult to do, so if it s happened repeatedly it s probably not without cause.
I don't have an issue with them doing what needs to be done. I just felt that for a child to be a tad too fast to be processed.It really doesn t sound like much fun at all and there s clearly a problem but your post frames it all around what the school is doing (or isn t) rather than the choices your son is making? Schools do not suspend without good reason these days and it s actually incredibly difficult to do, so if it s happened repeatedly it s probably not without cause.
That was the other issue all week we have had no reports from teachers serious enough to report in an email, phone call etc, then at 330 suspension and we found that rather unacceptable.
I don't quite know how they can think that level of warning is acceptable myself. What do they expect you to do at work?
Apologies if I’m missing something as the first post was a little vague but what was the actual reason for suspension? Your post kind of implies you weren’t really listening to what the head told you?
I’m working on the assumption that this is your first and only child. I’ve read back through the two other threads you’ve started and I get the impression you don’t like what’s being said, so I don’t think you re going to like this, but might as well say it.
I think you’re the problem. You are pointing the finger at everyone else, I m not even sure you’re here for advice. Seems to me that you’re here to try to get support for the view that it’s everyone else who is the problem. You reference a couple of times that you’re at work when things happen and are busy. So are most other parents.
However one post leapt out at me from the first thread. I’m not going to quote it in full in case I break a rule, but these are some of your comments snipped from one post.
“I'm feel rather threatened when a teacher emails to say my child was rude/disruptive”
By an email? If you feel threatened then you really need to toughen up a bit. The teacher is letting you know what s going on and that it’s unacceptable. Look at your reaction and then ask yourself how you’re really going to address it with your kid, when you’re threatened by words on a screen.
“Another part of me is that this is what teachers are paid and educated to deal with and it's just them being over the top, it's why they have all these lovely training days.”
Nicely dismissive of the profession. If that’s your starting point then it’s no wonder you’re not getting anywhere. Also, you don’t abdicate all responsibility for child and their actions once they go through the school gates.
“Also, I've hardly had any updates about what he is actually doing/learning. It feels like they are managing a creche!”
Are you a middle manager / project manager? You re never going to get personalised updates on your own timeframes. However, you have had updates, you just don’t like / won’t accept them. Generally speaking, you’ll maybe get a parents evening a couple of times a year and an end of term mass produced report with a few words. Teachers are managing huge workloads, rather than being dedicated to one child.
Overall, I get the feeling that you’re trying to reason with and negotiate with your child as some sort of modern parent. Even worse, you could be trying to coach / develop them in a structure you use for your staff, or treating your child as some sort of project to be effectively managed with milestones and other corporate waffle. Your kid at this age is not your equal, or someone who can run off to HR, they are a sponge and testing limits. You need to set defined boundaries with real consequences for bad behaviour.
I make no apologies for this being blunt, but you’re three months on from this starting, you’ve made zero progress and you’re starting new threads rather than adding to a previous one, so that it’s harder to see the whole picture to date. Toughen up and discipline your kid, otherwise you’re going to have a spoiled little brat with no concept of right or wrong and one that’s able to manipulate his doting parents no matter what he does.
I think you’re the problem. You are pointing the finger at everyone else, I m not even sure you’re here for advice. Seems to me that you’re here to try to get support for the view that it’s everyone else who is the problem. You reference a couple of times that you’re at work when things happen and are busy. So are most other parents.
However one post leapt out at me from the first thread. I’m not going to quote it in full in case I break a rule, but these are some of your comments snipped from one post.
“I'm feel rather threatened when a teacher emails to say my child was rude/disruptive”
By an email? If you feel threatened then you really need to toughen up a bit. The teacher is letting you know what s going on and that it’s unacceptable. Look at your reaction and then ask yourself how you’re really going to address it with your kid, when you’re threatened by words on a screen.
“Another part of me is that this is what teachers are paid and educated to deal with and it's just them being over the top, it's why they have all these lovely training days.”
Nicely dismissive of the profession. If that’s your starting point then it’s no wonder you’re not getting anywhere. Also, you don’t abdicate all responsibility for child and their actions once they go through the school gates.
“Also, I've hardly had any updates about what he is actually doing/learning. It feels like they are managing a creche!”
Are you a middle manager / project manager? You re never going to get personalised updates on your own timeframes. However, you have had updates, you just don’t like / won’t accept them. Generally speaking, you’ll maybe get a parents evening a couple of times a year and an end of term mass produced report with a few words. Teachers are managing huge workloads, rather than being dedicated to one child.
Overall, I get the feeling that you’re trying to reason with and negotiate with your child as some sort of modern parent. Even worse, you could be trying to coach / develop them in a structure you use for your staff, or treating your child as some sort of project to be effectively managed with milestones and other corporate waffle. Your kid at this age is not your equal, or someone who can run off to HR, they are a sponge and testing limits. You need to set defined boundaries with real consequences for bad behaviour.
I make no apologies for this being blunt, but you’re three months on from this starting, you’ve made zero progress and you’re starting new threads rather than adding to a previous one, so that it’s harder to see the whole picture to date. Toughen up and discipline your kid, otherwise you’re going to have a spoiled little brat with no concept of right or wrong and one that’s able to manipulate his doting parents no matter what he does.
We've been round this loop before OP. (and I've posted on both the other threads)
Your boy's experience of school is extremely similar to that of my boy. I've been there and it's all-consuming.
In our case, we ended up with multiple exclusions from primary school and ultimately a diagnosis of PDA (ASD) https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topi... before an EHCP and a move to a specialist school where his world is much much better.
Like you, he was completely fine at home and at nursery etc, but things started happening in reception (just like you describe), escalated in Y1, Y2, and we ended up where we ended up.
I'll be absolutely the first to complain about the way that the first primary school handled my boy - some of the things they did were beyond cruel and made it 10 times worse than it needed to be - But at the same time, you probably do need to accept that it's not the school's fault - The simple fact is that your child is the odd one out here...
Happy to DM / chat / call if there is anything that you want to know / want someone to vent to.
Your boy's experience of school is extremely similar to that of my boy. I've been there and it's all-consuming.
In our case, we ended up with multiple exclusions from primary school and ultimately a diagnosis of PDA (ASD) https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topi... before an EHCP and a move to a specialist school where his world is much much better.
Like you, he was completely fine at home and at nursery etc, but things started happening in reception (just like you describe), escalated in Y1, Y2, and we ended up where we ended up.
I'll be absolutely the first to complain about the way that the first primary school handled my boy - some of the things they did were beyond cruel and made it 10 times worse than it needed to be - But at the same time, you probably do need to accept that it's not the school's fault - The simple fact is that your child is the odd one out here...
Happy to DM / chat / call if there is anything that you want to know / want someone to vent to.
MattsCar said:
What punishment / consequences resulted from this behaviour?
p.s. More discipline whilst seeming like the obvious answer does not work for all kids (and parents of NT kids find it almost impossible to understand / accept this as it clearly works in their world - (as it does for my other child) ). For the children who are experiencing extreme anxiety and not coping at school, threats of punishments has the complete opposite effect to the one that you'd expect.
In that, the pressure of punishments, be it missing playtime, writing apology notes, not going on school trips, or no treats at home etc only makes the pressure to conform in the moment even more difficult for them. And in our case, this created an environment where if the slightest thing went wrong, he'd end up spiralling further and faster because he knew that he'd f
ked up and his whole world was crashing down fueling the fight or flight response.Breaking the habit of punishments was part of the solution - although this was never ever accepted by the school. They just didn't have the experience to know that their harsher and harsher implementation of the rules was 90% of the problem for him.
They used to be called little sts when I was young and their fathers would give them a belt if they jumped too far out of line (& sometimes the teachers!).
Now, they get some sort of acronym and a parent who thinks it’s everyone’s fault but their own.
Progress I guess, maybe they can swing some benefits out of it if they’re lucky?
You’ve got to have been pretty violent/disruptive at that age to get suspended and possibly quite weak as a parent to let things get to that stage.
Or, it is in fact a weak teaching and SLT staffing issue at the school in which case, look for a move. If that’s too much effort write to the governing board and see if they tackle it as a wider problem. If there’s a number of suspensions it could be part of a wider problem, if it’s just your little soldier it’s time to pull up your big boy pants and sort out your kid.
ts when I was young and their fathers would give them a belt if they jumped too far out of line (& sometimes the teachers!).Now, they get some sort of acronym and a parent who thinks it’s everyone’s fault but their own.
Progress I guess, maybe they can swing some benefits out of it if they’re lucky?
You’ve got to have been pretty violent/disruptive at that age to get suspended and possibly quite weak as a parent to let things get to that stage.
Or, it is in fact a weak teaching and SLT staffing issue at the school in which case, look for a move. If that’s too much effort write to the governing board and see if they tackle it as a wider problem. If there’s a number of suspensions it could be part of a wider problem, if it’s just your little soldier it’s time to pull up your big boy pants and sort out your kid.
Blib said:
I spent my career working with adults who struggled with the consequences of trauma at the hands of their major caregivers at a young age <5.
Good luck, OP.
I don’t think anyone is suggesting kicking the kid’s head in. Unless by trauma you mean not letting them get away with everything they do. Good luck, OP.
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