Autistic Son Struggling - Part 2
Discussion
I'd posted an original thread about my son's struggles with autism and how I'm managing them or not earlier in the year....I just wanted to pop up a new post regarding my current stick of dynamite, I've no real idea on where to turn to be honest!
so this morning.....
my son (almost 12) has pretty much ostracised his mother, won't talk to her basically, it's been like this for 6 months.
His primary issue is the fact that she smokes weed (she does this in the garden shed, not openly!), he feels that this is wrong and illegal and isn't good for her health or ours. I've tried to persuade him that it's not as bad as he thinks, her choice etc.....but to not real avail.
Her coughing after smoking a joint is a trigger point for him and I can hear him raging about that in his room when he hears this.
He's also openly criticises and is hostile towards her, calling her lazy apparently - although I've never seen or heard this and I wouldn't allow him to get away with that.
He's confided this hate of weed to me and has asked me not to share this with his mother. She is talking about leaving as this hostility is becoming something she can't deal with any more. She also partly blames me - but I'm not sure how that's fair (but par for the course!!)
So I don't know what to do any more, I can't break his trust as I think he only really trusts me these days. Alternatively if my partner now feels so down about the whole issue that she may leave then I can't just sit back and let things take their course.
Personally, I feel like walking away from it all as I'm stuck in the middle and now being blamed for his behaviour.....thoughts, advice???
so this morning.....
my son (almost 12) has pretty much ostracised his mother, won't talk to her basically, it's been like this for 6 months.
His primary issue is the fact that she smokes weed (she does this in the garden shed, not openly!), he feels that this is wrong and illegal and isn't good for her health or ours. I've tried to persuade him that it's not as bad as he thinks, her choice etc.....but to not real avail.
Her coughing after smoking a joint is a trigger point for him and I can hear him raging about that in his room when he hears this.
He's also openly criticises and is hostile towards her, calling her lazy apparently - although I've never seen or heard this and I wouldn't allow him to get away with that.
He's confided this hate of weed to me and has asked me not to share this with his mother. She is talking about leaving as this hostility is becoming something she can't deal with any more. She also partly blames me - but I'm not sure how that's fair (but par for the course!!)
So I don't know what to do any more, I can't break his trust as I think he only really trusts me these days. Alternatively if my partner now feels so down about the whole issue that she may leave then I can't just sit back and let things take their course.
Personally, I feel like walking away from it all as I'm stuck in the middle and now being blamed for his behaviour.....thoughts, advice???
thanks all.....the key sentence in my post is below. She doesn't know that this is the big issue and I've been asked by him not to tell her.....and I'm therefore stuck between a rock and a hard place.
She struggles with back pain so weed helps - it's not prescribed.
He's confided this hate of weed to me and has asked me not to share this with his mother. She is talking about leaving as this hostility is becoming something she can't deal with any more. She also partly blames me - but I'm not sure how that's fair (but par for the course!!)
She struggles with back pain so weed helps - it's not prescribed.
He's confided this hate of weed to me and has asked me not to share this with his mother. She is talking about leaving as this hostility is becoming something she can't deal with any more. She also partly blames me - but I'm not sure how that's fair (but par for the course!!)
Not sure what the actual issue is. Seems like the mother needs to stop smoking weed, at least at home when your son is around.
As for not telling her. He s a child, you are adults. Surely you can talk with her and tell her it s upsetting him but he s asked you not to say anything. She can then stop of her own free will.
As for not telling her. He s a child, you are adults. Surely you can talk with her and tell her it s upsetting him but he s asked you not to say anything. She can then stop of her own free will.
Edited by Tigerj on Sunday 7th December 13:00
Tigerj said:
Not sure what the actual issue is. Seems like the mother needs to stop smoking weed, at least at home when your son is around.
The issue for me is :1) I'm sworn to secrecy by my son not to divulge his objection to the habit
2) If I break that trust by speaking to his mother then his trust in me is broken too....
3) He struggles and I'm his main support in term of listening and talking
towser said:
The issue for me is :
1) I'm sworn to secrecy by my son not to divulge his objection to the habit
2) If I break that trust by speaking to his mother then his trust in me is broken too....
3) He struggles and I'm his main support in term of listening and talking
See my edit. Tell her that he s asked this to keep quiet and under no circumstances she should say you told her.1) I'm sworn to secrecy by my son not to divulge his objection to the habit
2) If I break that trust by speaking to his mother then his trust in me is broken too....
3) He struggles and I'm his main support in term of listening and talking
It’s not breaking trust, it’s doing what is best for your son.
towser said:
thanks all.....the key sentence in my post is below. She doesn't know that this is the big issue and I've been asked by him not to tell her.....and I'm therefore stuck between a rock and a hard place.
She struggles with back pain so weed helps - it's not prescribed.
He's confided this hate of weed to me and has asked me not to share this with his mother. She is talking about leaving as this hostility is becoming something she can't deal with any more. She also partly blames me - but I'm not sure how that's fair (but par for the course!!)
Tell her. And tell her not to say anything to your son. She struggles with back pain so weed helps - it's not prescribed.
He's confided this hate of weed to me and has asked me not to share this with his mother. She is talking about leaving as this hostility is becoming something she can't deal with any more. She also partly blames me - but I'm not sure how that's fair (but par for the course!!)
My step son tells me things he asks me not to tell his mum. Some things I dont, but the important things I absolutely do.
Your son comes first. You need to do what is best for him. If your wife wont give up the cannabis, that says volumes.
zetec said:
Taking drugs is illegal. An Autistic child sees things in black or white, there are no grey areas, he knows she's breaking the law and is rightly upset about it.
Why does your wife smoke weed? Medicinal? Can she stop in order to make her child happy?
You can sometimes get some shades of grey when it comes to some things: all child dependant though.Why does your wife smoke weed? Medicinal? Can she stop in order to make her child happy?
We had to teach our autistic child that it was sometimes OK to lie (for example, to avoid hurting someone's feelings) but even then they do it a very careful way.
towser said:
thanks all.....the key sentence in my post is below. She doesn't know that this is the big issue and I've been asked by him not to tell her.....and I'm therefore stuck between a rock and a hard place.
She struggles with back pain so weed helps - it's not prescribed.
He's confided this hate of weed to me and has asked me not to share this with his mother. She is talking about leaving as this hostility is becoming something she can't deal with any more. She also partly blames me - but I'm not sure how that's fair (but par for the course!!)
You need to be the diplomat: ask the two of them if they will sit down with a pre-arranged "deal" that if one of them (your son) openly says what the problem is/what is upsetting them the other (his mum) won't get cross but will try to find a solution. She struggles with back pain so weed helps - it's not prescribed.
He's confided this hate of weed to me and has asked me not to share this with his mother. She is talking about leaving as this hostility is becoming something she can't deal with any more. She also partly blames me - but I'm not sure how that's fair (but par for the course!!)
You're right not to breach trust, especially when that can be so hard won and you don't want to risk losing it, but teeing up a conversation so that it's a safe space isn't a breach of trust.
The other thing to be ready with are the questions that you can then research answers to/ask. For example, if she's convinced that smoking weed helps, would legal (non-smoked) CBD products be worth a go? Would she be willing to see her doctor to see whether any prescription products will work for her? If she's closed to anything other than a spliff then that's a conversation you can continue away from your son...
Tigerj said:
Not sure what the actual issue is. Seems like the mother needs to stop smoking weed, at least at home when your son is around.
As for not telling her. He s a child, you are adults. Surely you can talk with her and tell her it s upsetting him but he s asked you not to say anything. She can then stop of her own free will.
This is the only answer.As for not telling her. He s a child, you are adults. Surely you can talk with her and tell her it s upsetting him but he s asked you not to say anything. She can then stop of her own free will.
Edited by Tigerj on Sunday 7th December 13:00
You have 2 choices - speak to her and get her to stop or lose her and possibly your child in the fallout.
I appreciate you feel like you are in a difficult situation, but it really sounds like you and his Mum need to act like adults in this situation.
Have a conversation with her, tell her what your Son as told you and deal with it between you, without it coming back to your Son. Im not sure how you can let it get to the point of her talking about leaving due to his hostile behavior without telling her the reason why.
She is doing drugs in the home environment, Christ, it would be fair for any child to get upset over that. Find another way to manage her back pain, you know, perhaps with legal methods.
Have a conversation with her, tell her what your Son as told you and deal with it between you, without it coming back to your Son. Im not sure how you can let it get to the point of her talking about leaving due to his hostile behavior without telling her the reason why.
She is doing drugs in the home environment, Christ, it would be fair for any child to get upset over that. Find another way to manage her back pain, you know, perhaps with legal methods.
[quote=Pete102]I appreciate you feel like you are in a difficult situation, but it really sounds like you and his Mum need to act like adults in this situation.
Have a conversation with her, tell her what your Son as told you and deal with it between you, without it coming back to your Son. Im not sure how you can let it get to the point of her talking about leaving due to his hostile behavior without telling her the reason why.
She is doing drugs in the home environment, Christ, it would be fair for any child to get upset over that. Find another way to manage her back pain, you know, perhaps with legal methods.
[/quote
she is doing drugs... its her own choice she is an adult... yadda yadda... grow a pair...
tell your wife the drugs stop on your property, it is as much yours as hers, if she is wanting weed then she can go someplace else and indulge... It smells horrendous it gets everywhere, there is no hiding it at home. so dont think the sneakyness and such covers it.
Your son is ill. he has a psycological condition, that needs support. what your wife is doing is making that problem worse. there IS NO choice here... she quits the weed.
dont need to say its yor son, you just say its making you uncomfortable, its a huge issue for you and if she want to continue then she makes a choice... it really is that simple. and about time you started acting like the adult here.
Have a conversation with her, tell her what your Son as told you and deal with it between you, without it coming back to your Son. Im not sure how you can let it get to the point of her talking about leaving due to his hostile behavior without telling her the reason why.
She is doing drugs in the home environment, Christ, it would be fair for any child to get upset over that. Find another way to manage her back pain, you know, perhaps with legal methods.
[/quote
she is doing drugs... its her own choice she is an adult... yadda yadda... grow a pair...
tell your wife the drugs stop on your property, it is as much yours as hers, if she is wanting weed then she can go someplace else and indulge... It smells horrendous it gets everywhere, there is no hiding it at home. so dont think the sneakyness and such covers it.
Your son is ill. he has a psycological condition, that needs support. what your wife is doing is making that problem worse. there IS NO choice here... she quits the weed.
dont need to say its yor son, you just say its making you uncomfortable, its a huge issue for you and if she want to continue then she makes a choice... it really is that simple. and about time you started acting like the adult here.
zetec said:
Taking drugs is illegal. An Autistic child sees things in black or white, there are no grey areas, he knows she's breaking the law and is rightly upset about it.
Why does your wife smoke weed? Medicinal? Can she stop in order to make her child happy?
This.Why does your wife smoke weed? Medicinal? Can she stop in order to make her child happy?
Unfortunately this is a nice short explanation but details it perfectly.
You can reason with your child as much as usual want, but it won't change how they process it.
No amount counselling shall change the viewpoint; its seen by the child as illegal, extremely bad for her health, and selfish due to the ramifications of these two elements.
Something will have to give, and it certainly wont be how the child views this.
My daughter is also Autistic so I understand the situation but ultimately it seems clear to me that the Mother is prioritising the Cannabis over her relationship with her family.
It must be fairly obvious that her Cannabis use is the issue if the son is behaving as he is and yet she continues.
Maybe harsh but i'm not sure the Son is entirely the issue here.
It must be fairly obvious that her Cannabis use is the issue if the son is behaving as he is and yet she continues.
Maybe harsh but i'm not sure the Son is entirely the issue here.
You claim your wife is totally oblivious to the fact it is her smoking that causes the issue yet you can hear him raging in his room about it?
How can she possibly not have made the connection here, kids may be many things but surely SOME tell (beyond the room raging) that it s the weed must exist that is detectable by an adult?
How much is she smoking? Does she work in the day? Why did he call her lazy?
How can she possibly not have made the connection here, kids may be many things but surely SOME tell (beyond the room raging) that it s the weed must exist that is detectable by an adult?
How much is she smoking? Does she work in the day? Why did he call her lazy?
Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff