AITAH for breaking up with gf over finances?
Discussion
I (36) broke up with my partner/gf (32) yesterday because she's terrible with keeping jobs & finances.
Long story short; been together 8 months, we hit it off insanely well, so much in common etc, almost too good, she moved in with me (I'm a homeowner) after 2 months (i know, i know)... the first 4.5 months were amazing and we got on so incredibly well. And her Dad and step-mum were so lovely and we had so much in common - i am gutted about this.
Then 4.5 months in we had our first argument and it was a biggy on finances. Since we'd been together she's had three jobs in 7 months. During April she lost her second job while it was still in trial phase "by mutual agreement". It was during her brief unemployed phase that she asked me if she could borrow some money from me.. I said no and especially this early in the relationship she should go to her Dad first; que big argument. Anyway after a couple of days we got over it.
She then got a better job in May and I was so so happy, proud and relieved for her. Then at her three-month trial meeting the employer terminated her job and didn't want to continue the employment because she was dishonest on her form and didn't disclose a medical condition she has. This was a few weeks ago. I thought oh here we go again. She's since done well lining up several interviews and has had a few already.
It's worth noting since that first big argument I had noticed from her a few minor disrespect things creeping in from her, like not taking her shoes off sometimes, not doing anything about dinner when I'd been at work 10 hours when she's at home all day, not putting things away like she used to..
etc.
Then three days ago, she instigated the argument again about wanting to either borrow money from me or me to halt her weekly rent paying until she's back on her feet financially... I only charged her 75 pounds per week from day one for the very reason to make her life easy so she could actively save, as she has a 9,000 car loan and cc debt of 2 grand... she started the convo with "my best friends and family are very supportive and they would 100% let me live with them for free or lend me money until i get back on my feet, so what's it going to be?" possibly hinting at me to give in and/or call my bluff. My immediate response to this was "well you better ask daddy for some money then." and made it very clear this type of stuff is relationship damaging, that both partners have to work together as Assets and one cannot be a Liability, and what if this same thing happens again in 5-6 months from now... she didn't like what i had to say and neither did I with her. She went out all day, so did i. Then the next day we had a very brief talk in the morning and I started it with "this isn't working out for me in my home" and she halted me there and said she's going to move out and it's over, called me materialistic, manipulative, gas-lighting, "you never supported me anyway!" blah blah the usual popular buzzwords these days, and that was that.
I honestly don't know how many jobs she's had and how many times she's moved in her life. She's definitely burned a few bridges with employers in the city from what she told me. And how can anyone be 32 and not have anything to show for it and no emergency savings fund?! What were they doing in their entire 20s?!
I should've done my due-diligence better and not moved her in so quick i know. Lesson learned.
Her best friend dm'd me this afternoon with something starting with "I just want to say you are such a disappointment of a man blah blah blah...." I didn't even open it to read the whole thing and just deleted it straight away. Her best friend is a garbage carwreck and taking her husband to town anyway.
I'm gutted as I thought I had a good one and I had so much in common with her and her lovely dad and step-mum. I will miss them. Back to single life. Yay. Good ones are hard to find these days.
Long story short; been together 8 months, we hit it off insanely well, so much in common etc, almost too good, she moved in with me (I'm a homeowner) after 2 months (i know, i know)... the first 4.5 months were amazing and we got on so incredibly well. And her Dad and step-mum were so lovely and we had so much in common - i am gutted about this.
Then 4.5 months in we had our first argument and it was a biggy on finances. Since we'd been together she's had three jobs in 7 months. During April she lost her second job while it was still in trial phase "by mutual agreement". It was during her brief unemployed phase that she asked me if she could borrow some money from me.. I said no and especially this early in the relationship she should go to her Dad first; que big argument. Anyway after a couple of days we got over it.
She then got a better job in May and I was so so happy, proud and relieved for her. Then at her three-month trial meeting the employer terminated her job and didn't want to continue the employment because she was dishonest on her form and didn't disclose a medical condition she has. This was a few weeks ago. I thought oh here we go again. She's since done well lining up several interviews and has had a few already.
It's worth noting since that first big argument I had noticed from her a few minor disrespect things creeping in from her, like not taking her shoes off sometimes, not doing anything about dinner when I'd been at work 10 hours when she's at home all day, not putting things away like she used to..
etc. Then three days ago, she instigated the argument again about wanting to either borrow money from me or me to halt her weekly rent paying until she's back on her feet financially... I only charged her 75 pounds per week from day one for the very reason to make her life easy so she could actively save, as she has a 9,000 car loan and cc debt of 2 grand... she started the convo with "my best friends and family are very supportive and they would 100% let me live with them for free or lend me money until i get back on my feet, so what's it going to be?" possibly hinting at me to give in and/or call my bluff. My immediate response to this was "well you better ask daddy for some money then." and made it very clear this type of stuff is relationship damaging, that both partners have to work together as Assets and one cannot be a Liability, and what if this same thing happens again in 5-6 months from now... she didn't like what i had to say and neither did I with her. She went out all day, so did i. Then the next day we had a very brief talk in the morning and I started it with "this isn't working out for me in my home" and she halted me there and said she's going to move out and it's over, called me materialistic, manipulative, gas-lighting, "you never supported me anyway!" blah blah the usual popular buzzwords these days, and that was that.
I honestly don't know how many jobs she's had and how many times she's moved in her life. She's definitely burned a few bridges with employers in the city from what she told me. And how can anyone be 32 and not have anything to show for it and no emergency savings fund?! What were they doing in their entire 20s?!
I should've done my due-diligence better and not moved her in so quick i know. Lesson learned.
Her best friend dm'd me this afternoon with something starting with "I just want to say you are such a disappointment of a man blah blah blah...." I didn't even open it to read the whole thing and just deleted it straight away. Her best friend is a garbage carwreck and taking her husband to town anyway.
I'm gutted as I thought I had a good one and I had so much in common with her and her lovely dad and step-mum. I will miss them. Back to single life. Yay. Good ones are hard to find these days.
Edited by TobyTR on Sunday 10th August 05:30
It's a hard one.
Wonder what my wife thought of me when we got togther.
She had a house and a job. I was in first year of Uni.
7 year course ( architecture )
I had summer jobs to save a bit of money. However the finances were definitely balanced in her favour.
30 years later they're in my favour.
Life isn't always 100% balanced.
The OP could have protected himself without being so clinical and shut off.
Would be ironic if he found another women who dumped him because she earns more than him.
Wonder what my wife thought of me when we got togther.
She had a house and a job. I was in first year of Uni.
7 year course ( architecture )
I had summer jobs to save a bit of money. However the finances were definitely balanced in her favour.
30 years later they're in my favour.
Life isn't always 100% balanced.
The OP could have protected himself without being so clinical and shut off.
Would be ironic if he found another women who dumped him because she earns more than him.
TobyTR said:
I (36) broke up with my partner/gf (32) yesterday because she's terrible with keeping jobs & finances.
Long story short; been together 8 months, we hit it off insanely well, so much in common etc, almost too good, she moved in with me (I'm a homeowner) after 2 months (i know, i know)... the first 4.5 months were amazing and we got on so incredibly well. And her Dad and step-mum were so lovely and we had so much in common - i am gutted about this.
Then 4.5 months in we had our first argument and it was a biggy on finances. Since we'd been together she's had three jobs in 7 months. During April she lost her second job while it was still in trial phase "by mutual agreement". It was during her brief unemployed phase that she asked me if she could borrow some money from me.. I said no and especially this early in the relationship she should go to her Dad first; que big argument. Anyway after a couple of days we got over it.
She then got a better job in May and I was so so happy, proud and relieved for her. Then at her three-month trial meeting the employer terminated her job and didn't want to continue the employment because she was dishonest on her form and didn't disclose a medical condition she has. This was a few weeks ago. I thought oh here we go again. She's since done well lining up several interviews and has had a few already.
It's worth noting since that first big argument I had noticed from her a few minor disrespect things creeping in from her, like not taking her shoes off sometimes, not doing anything about dinner when I'd been at work 10 hours when she's at home all day, not putting things away like she used to.. etc.
Then three days ago, she instigated the argument again about wanting to either borrow money from me or me to halt her weekly rent paying until she's back on her feet financially... I only charged her 75 pounds per week from day one for the very reason to make her life easy so she could actively save, as she has a 9,000 car loan and cc debt of 2 grand... she started the convo with "my best friends and family are very supportive and they would 100% let me live with them for free or lend me money until i get back on my feet, so what's it going to be?" possibly hinting at me to give in and/or call my bluff. My immediate response to this was "well you better ask daddy for some money then." and made it very clear this type of stuff is relationship damaging, that both partners have to work together as Assets and one cannot be a Liability, and what if this same thing happens again in 5-6 months from now... she didn't like what i had to say and neither did I with her. She went out all day, so did i. Then the next day we had a very brief talk in the morning and I started it with "this isn't working out for me in my home" and she halted me there and said she's going to move out and it's over, called me materialistic, manipulative, gas-lighting, "you never supported me anyway!" blah blah the usual popular buzzwords these days, and that was that.
I honestly don't know how many jobs she's had and how many times she's moved in her life. She's definitely burned a few bridges with employers in the city from what she told me. And how can anyone be 32 and not have anything to show for it and no emergency savings fund?! What were they doing in their entire 20s?!
I should've done my due-diligence better and not moved her in so quick i know. Lesson learned.
Her best friend dm'd me this afternoon with something starting with "I just want to say you are such a disappointment of a man blah blah blah...." I didn't even open it to read the whole thing and just deleted it straight away. Her best friend is a garbage carwreck and taking her husband to town anyway.
I'm gutted as I thought I had a good one and I had so much in common with her and her lovely dad and step-mum. I will miss them. Back to single life. Yay. Good ones are hard to find these days.
If they were any good they’d be already taken. Cuts both ways, I suppose.Long story short; been together 8 months, we hit it off insanely well, so much in common etc, almost too good, she moved in with me (I'm a homeowner) after 2 months (i know, i know)... the first 4.5 months were amazing and we got on so incredibly well. And her Dad and step-mum were so lovely and we had so much in common - i am gutted about this.
Then 4.5 months in we had our first argument and it was a biggy on finances. Since we'd been together she's had three jobs in 7 months. During April she lost her second job while it was still in trial phase "by mutual agreement". It was during her brief unemployed phase that she asked me if she could borrow some money from me.. I said no and especially this early in the relationship she should go to her Dad first; que big argument. Anyway after a couple of days we got over it.
She then got a better job in May and I was so so happy, proud and relieved for her. Then at her three-month trial meeting the employer terminated her job and didn't want to continue the employment because she was dishonest on her form and didn't disclose a medical condition she has. This was a few weeks ago. I thought oh here we go again. She's since done well lining up several interviews and has had a few already.
It's worth noting since that first big argument I had noticed from her a few minor disrespect things creeping in from her, like not taking her shoes off sometimes, not doing anything about dinner when I'd been at work 10 hours when she's at home all day, not putting things away like she used to..
etc. Then three days ago, she instigated the argument again about wanting to either borrow money from me or me to halt her weekly rent paying until she's back on her feet financially... I only charged her 75 pounds per week from day one for the very reason to make her life easy so she could actively save, as she has a 9,000 car loan and cc debt of 2 grand... she started the convo with "my best friends and family are very supportive and they would 100% let me live with them for free or lend me money until i get back on my feet, so what's it going to be?" possibly hinting at me to give in and/or call my bluff. My immediate response to this was "well you better ask daddy for some money then." and made it very clear this type of stuff is relationship damaging, that both partners have to work together as Assets and one cannot be a Liability, and what if this same thing happens again in 5-6 months from now... she didn't like what i had to say and neither did I with her. She went out all day, so did i. Then the next day we had a very brief talk in the morning and I started it with "this isn't working out for me in my home" and she halted me there and said she's going to move out and it's over, called me materialistic, manipulative, gas-lighting, "you never supported me anyway!" blah blah the usual popular buzzwords these days, and that was that.
I honestly don't know how many jobs she's had and how many times she's moved in her life. She's definitely burned a few bridges with employers in the city from what she told me. And how can anyone be 32 and not have anything to show for it and no emergency savings fund?! What were they doing in their entire 20s?!
I should've done my due-diligence better and not moved her in so quick i know. Lesson learned.
Her best friend dm'd me this afternoon with something starting with "I just want to say you are such a disappointment of a man blah blah blah...." I didn't even open it to read the whole thing and just deleted it straight away. Her best friend is a garbage carwreck and taking her husband to town anyway.
I'm gutted as I thought I had a good one and I had so much in common with her and her lovely dad and step-mum. I will miss them. Back to single life. Yay. Good ones are hard to find these days.
Edited by TobyTR on Sunday 10th August 05:30
I think the biggest mistake was moving in too soon and not getting a grasp of how she was with money/jobs before living together.
You'd assume someone in their 30s was capable of holding down a job but there are many out there who absolutely are not!
The way you've worded everything hasn't come off a bit stark over money but I get your meaning. If you own your own place, she shouldn't expect to live for nothing let alone borrowing off you so early on into the relationship.
I dated someone when I was in my early 20s, we had a great relationship and after 14 months or so we moved in together. She was a nightmare to live with, never cleared up after herself and just wasn't ready to move out of her parents place. We broke up but she met someone later on, married, kids etc. But she was 22 then not 32!
You'd assume someone in their 30s was capable of holding down a job but there are many out there who absolutely are not!
The way you've worded everything hasn't come off a bit stark over money but I get your meaning. If you own your own place, she shouldn't expect to live for nothing let alone borrowing off you so early on into the relationship.
I dated someone when I was in my early 20s, we had a great relationship and after 14 months or so we moved in together. She was a nightmare to live with, never cleared up after herself and just wasn't ready to move out of her parents place. We broke up but she met someone later on, married, kids etc. But she was 22 then not 32!
tty cushions incoming in 5... 4... 3...greygoose said:
Sounds more like a spreadsheet than a relationship.
Money can be important for some people. Clearly it is for the OP. My best advice here for the OP is to learn this about yourself that money is one of your high / highest priorities and make sure you tell any new woman in your life about this as early as possible.
You're either aligned as a couple or you're not, and finances is a pretty major thing to be aligned on, even if just in the main principles!
Not being able to hold multiple jobs is a red flag to me, and being in so much debt at 32 with nothing to show is another one.
You've got higher then average expectations (I do as well), she had lowered then average expectations.. That'd be a problem for me as well.
Not being able to hold multiple jobs is a red flag to me, and being in so much debt at 32 with nothing to show is another one.
You've got higher then average expectations (I do as well), she had lowered then average expectations.. That'd be a problem for me as well.
You are both too old to waste time for the wrong person so good you escaped.
You both dodged a bullet.
You clearly want a roommate with benefits, no woman will take you seriously with rent charges when she lost a job.
Also she lost job feeling crap about herself and you are condescending sending her to her “daddy”. You cannot take care of other people.
She is clearly not self sufficient so she needs something to kick her in the butt and sort her life out.
I think you are very financially savy so definitely something to be proud of. Perhaps in todays world of women taking everything in divorce you are more practical than me. Just not my belief system. Yours might be better idk
You both dodged a bullet.
You clearly want a roommate with benefits, no woman will take you seriously with rent charges when she lost a job.
Also she lost job feeling crap about herself and you are condescending sending her to her “daddy”. You cannot take care of other people.
She is clearly not self sufficient so she needs something to kick her in the butt and sort her life out.
I think you are very financially savy so definitely something to be proud of. Perhaps in todays world of women taking everything in divorce you are more practical than me. Just not my belief system. Yours might be better idk
Edited by Blue_star on Sunday 10th August 08:38
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