Business writing
Discussion
A junior colleague has just written a small document which his immediate supervisor says makes no sense and must be re written.
The objection is to a bit which has one paragraph describing the main function of a particular module, then another which starts.
"In addition, the module will report anomalies......................"
The supervisor says the second paragraph makes no sense, he's asking 'In addition to what?'. To me it's clear that it means 'In addition to the stuff in the previous paragraph.' I wouldn't have the slightest problem with anyone reporting to me writing that, and if someone else wrote it I certainly wouldn't ask for clarification.
The supervisor in question did his degree in maths, so perhaps he regards 'In addition,' as arithmetically incomplete, even though it's only the first part of a sentence.
Does he have a point or is he being weird?
The objection is to a bit which has one paragraph describing the main function of a particular module, then another which starts.
"In addition, the module will report anomalies......................"
The supervisor says the second paragraph makes no sense, he's asking 'In addition to what?'. To me it's clear that it means 'In addition to the stuff in the previous paragraph.' I wouldn't have the slightest problem with anyone reporting to me writing that, and if someone else wrote it I certainly wouldn't ask for clarification.
The supervisor in question did his degree in maths, so perhaps he regards 'In addition,' as arithmetically incomplete, even though it's only the first part of a sentence.
Does he have a point or is he being weird?
'The module also reports anomalies...'
I'm quite pleased that such a small thing of arguably no relevance has been pulled up because 99% of the time it goes the other way - commas instead of semi-colons, sentences that aren't sentences and so on. There are even spelling mistakes (missing letters never spotted) on the Aston Martin website.
I'm quite pleased that such a small thing of arguably no relevance has been pulled up because 99% of the time it goes the other way - commas instead of semi-colons, sentences that aren't sentences and so on. There are even spelling mistakes (missing letters never spotted) on the Aston Martin website.
As you've written and described, it makes sense.
However, without sight of the rest of the document, it could be read as the reporting of anomalies is a bundled or always-on feature whereas it may be optional. In this case, it could be written:
"The module can also report anomalies, if required".
But that is very pedantic, though.
I'm a big fan of the Hemingway app for refinement of writing. May be worth your colleague running it through that.
However, without sight of the rest of the document, it could be read as the reporting of anomalies is a bundled or always-on feature whereas it may be optional. In this case, it could be written:
"The module can also report anomalies, if required".
But that is very pedantic, though.
I'm a big fan of the Hemingway app for refinement of writing. May be worth your colleague running it through that.
boyse7en said:
If the "In addition" was a following sentence that would be correct, but as the start of a new paragraph (which is used to indicate a new subject or section) it doesn't make sense - although most readers would infer that it relates to the previous paragraph.
The first paragraph defines the primary functions of a module, the second defines its secondary functions. I would see that as a separate (but related) subject and therefore a new paragraph. It would certainly read better by having the two as separate paragraphs.I'm not an expert though.
98elise said:
boyse7en said:
If the "In addition" was a following sentence that would be correct, but as the start of a new paragraph (which is used to indicate a new subject or section) it doesn't make sense - although most readers would infer that it relates to the previous paragraph.
The first paragraph defines the primary functions of a module, the second defines its secondary functions. I would see that as a separate (but related) subject and therefore a new paragraph. It would certainly read better by having the two as separate paragraphs.I'm not an expert though.
For example.
[b]Dave is a master magician and lion tamer. In addition, he is also a welder and can tap dance like a pro.
He has lived in Essex by the sea for a number of years...[/b]
Two paras. The second para is still about Dave, but has changed subject from occupation to location so needs a new paragraph. No need for an "In addition" on the second paragraph
boyse7en said:
Oh it should definitely be two paragraphs, but it is dubious to start the second paragraph with "In addition.." as, by making it a new para you are logically saying it is a separate subject.
For example.
[b]Dave is a master magician and lion tamer. In addition, he is also a welder and can tap dance like a pro.
He has lived in Essex by the sea for a number of years...[/b]
Two paras. The second para is still about Dave, but has changed subject from occupation to location so needs a new paragraph. No need for an "In addition" on the second paragraph
In the OPs example the subject is the same in both paragraphs - what the module does. So perhaps it should all be in one paragraph. And yes, I shouldn't begin a sentence with 'So'. Or 'And'. Or 'Or' For example.
[b]Dave is a master magician and lion tamer. In addition, he is also a welder and can tap dance like a pro.
He has lived in Essex by the sea for a number of years...[/b]
Two paras. The second para is still about Dave, but has changed subject from occupation to location so needs a new paragraph. No need for an "In addition" on the second paragraph

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