Business writing
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Austin Prefect

Original Poster:

1,037 posts

7 months

Tuesday 15th July
quotequote all
A junior colleague has just written a small document which his immediate supervisor says makes no sense and must be re written.
The objection is to a bit which has one paragraph describing the main function of a particular module, then another which starts.

"In addition, the module will report anomalies......................"

The supervisor says the second paragraph makes no sense, he's asking 'In addition to what?'. To me it's clear that it means 'In addition to the stuff in the previous paragraph.' I wouldn't have the slightest problem with anyone reporting to me writing that, and if someone else wrote it I certainly wouldn't ask for clarification.

The supervisor in question did his degree in maths, so perhaps he regards 'In addition,' as arithmetically incomplete, even though it's only the first part of a sentence.

Does he have a point or is he being weird?

essayer

10,195 posts

209 months

Tuesday 15th July
quotequote all
Makes perfect sense. But just rewrite it, people are weird.
“An additional feature of the module is that..”

98elise

29,928 posts

176 months

Tuesday 15th July
quotequote all
The way its written makes sense to me.

Simpo Two

89,182 posts

280 months

Tuesday 15th July
quotequote all
'The module also reports anomalies...'

I'm quite pleased that such a small thing of arguably no relevance has been pulled up because 99% of the time it goes the other way - commas instead of semi-colons, sentences that aren't sentences and so on. There are even spelling mistakes (missing letters never spotted) on the Aston Martin website.

boyse7en

7,627 posts

180 months

Tuesday 15th July
quotequote all
If the "In addition" was a following sentence that would be correct, but as the start of a new paragraph (which is used to indicate a new subject or section) it doesn't make sense - although most readers would infer that it relates to the previous paragraph.

StevieBee

14,230 posts

270 months

Tuesday 15th July
quotequote all
As you've written and described, it makes sense.

However, without sight of the rest of the document, it could be read as the reporting of anomalies is a bundled or always-on feature whereas it may be optional. In this case, it could be written:

"The module can also report anomalies, if required".

But that is very pedantic, though.

I'm a big fan of the Hemingway app for refinement of writing. May be worth your colleague running it through that.


Austin Prefect

Original Poster:

1,037 posts

7 months

Tuesday 15th July
quotequote all
My view is that it could be better worded, but since it's so obvious that the wording used means the same as 'This feature also...' there can't be much wrong with it.

98elise

29,928 posts

176 months

Tuesday 15th July
quotequote all
boyse7en said:
If the "In addition" was a following sentence that would be correct, but as the start of a new paragraph (which is used to indicate a new subject or section) it doesn't make sense - although most readers would infer that it relates to the previous paragraph.
The first paragraph defines the primary functions of a module, the second defines its secondary functions. I would see that as a separate (but related) subject and therefore a new paragraph. It would certainly read better by having the two as separate paragraphs.

I'm not an expert though.

boyse7en

7,627 posts

180 months

Tuesday 15th July
quotequote all
98elise said:
boyse7en said:
If the "In addition" was a following sentence that would be correct, but as the start of a new paragraph (which is used to indicate a new subject or section) it doesn't make sense - although most readers would infer that it relates to the previous paragraph.
The first paragraph defines the primary functions of a module, the second defines its secondary functions. I would see that as a separate (but related) subject and therefore a new paragraph. It would certainly read better by having the two as separate paragraphs.

I'm not an expert though.
Oh it should definitely be two paragraphs, but it is dubious to start the second paragraph with "In addition.." as, by making it a new para you are logically saying it is a separate subject.


For example.

[b]Dave is a master magician and lion tamer. In addition, he is also a welder and can tap dance like a pro.
He has lived in Essex by the sea for a number of years...[/b]

Two paras. The second para is still about Dave, but has changed subject from occupation to location so needs a new paragraph. No need for an "In addition" on the second paragraph

LordGrover

33,907 posts

227 months

Tuesday 15th July
quotequote all
"In addition" appears to be superfluous so should/could be removed with no effect on the sentence.

Simpo Two

89,182 posts

280 months

Tuesday 15th July
quotequote all
boyse7en said:
Oh it should definitely be two paragraphs, but it is dubious to start the second paragraph with "In addition.." as, by making it a new para you are logically saying it is a separate subject.


For example.

[b]Dave is a master magician and lion tamer. In addition, he is also a welder and can tap dance like a pro.
He has lived in Essex by the sea for a number of years...[/b]

Two paras. The second para is still about Dave, but has changed subject from occupation to location so needs a new paragraph. No need for an "In addition" on the second paragraph
In the OPs example the subject is the same in both paragraphs - what the module does. So perhaps it should all be in one paragraph. And yes, I shouldn't begin a sentence with 'So'. Or 'And'. Or 'Or' nuts