Autistic Son - Struggling
Discussion
Hi - looking to bounce things off others who may have more experience in this than me.
My son (11) we think has some level of autism. His behaviour lately is causing my wife and I concern. To summarise :
1) Locks himself away in his room - not unusual for an 11 year old but he seems to self isolate
2) Always wears the same clothes and gets anxious if they are not clean and ready for him
3) Struggles to attend school, it can be battle to get him to go
4) Hates changes to his routine or unplanned activities
5) Shows little interest in new things
6) Is very socially awkward and nervous
Anyway, he's away on holiday right now with my wife, his sister and granny and had a massive, nasty meltdown with my wife this morning. Calling her all kinds of names, criticising her for things that have happened in the past, telling her he hated her etc....seemed to be completely overwhelmed and out of control.
He eventually calmed down and apologised. He would never do this with me as I would push back but his mother is, I guess, much softer and hence takes the brunt of these breakdowns.
We worry he's too isolated and we've made it too easy for him to avoid doing things he doesn't like doing e.g. an impromptu visit to the beach at the weekend for example. We're worried that if he keeps on like this he'll only get worse and more and more isolated.
My wife and I are going to arrange to speak to a counsellor to figure out some coping strategies and get some advice and support. We think, he too, need some sort of mentor or support but we'll take it one step at a time.
This is such a minefield of opinions and worries.
Any advice on he to get him more engaged with life and his family - I'm kind of at my wits end and a bit scared to be honest.
My son (11) we think has some level of autism. His behaviour lately is causing my wife and I concern. To summarise :
1) Locks himself away in his room - not unusual for an 11 year old but he seems to self isolate
2) Always wears the same clothes and gets anxious if they are not clean and ready for him
3) Struggles to attend school, it can be battle to get him to go
4) Hates changes to his routine or unplanned activities
5) Shows little interest in new things
6) Is very socially awkward and nervous
Anyway, he's away on holiday right now with my wife, his sister and granny and had a massive, nasty meltdown with my wife this morning. Calling her all kinds of names, criticising her for things that have happened in the past, telling her he hated her etc....seemed to be completely overwhelmed and out of control.
He eventually calmed down and apologised. He would never do this with me as I would push back but his mother is, I guess, much softer and hence takes the brunt of these breakdowns.
We worry he's too isolated and we've made it too easy for him to avoid doing things he doesn't like doing e.g. an impromptu visit to the beach at the weekend for example. We're worried that if he keeps on like this he'll only get worse and more and more isolated.
My wife and I are going to arrange to speak to a counsellor to figure out some coping strategies and get some advice and support. We think, he too, need some sort of mentor or support but we'll take it one step at a time.
This is such a minefield of opinions and worries.
Any advice on he to get him more engaged with life and his family - I'm kind of at my wits end and a bit scared to be honest.
My 'normal' 12 year old lad can exhibit a lot of similar tendancies. (Shouting abuse at Mum, not engaging sitting in his room for hours (playing on line with friends)) We are not overly worried and just see it as a phase.
Getting him to do any homework each night is an absolute battle. He regularly gets grounded (no computer) for his behaviour at home
At school he is very well behaved though....so it is situational.
Our lad does enjoy school, plays piano, underwater hockey and is a keen footballer too. I think the football really keeps him sane, playing for two different teams in a Saturday and Sunday league. We did encourage this from about 7 years old. He is not the most sociable player though ....
I suppose it is finding the outside interests that will inspire and enthuse him. Is he interested in anything outside of school that you could 'push' a bit more??
Getting him to do any homework each night is an absolute battle. He regularly gets grounded (no computer) for his behaviour at home
At school he is very well behaved though....so it is situational.
Our lad does enjoy school, plays piano, underwater hockey and is a keen footballer too. I think the football really keeps him sane, playing for two different teams in a Saturday and Sunday league. We did encourage this from about 7 years old. He is not the most sociable player though ....
I suppose it is finding the outside interests that will inspire and enthuse him. Is he interested in anything outside of school that you could 'push' a bit more??
It might be the uncertainty / unpredictable nature of the holiday scenario that's caused him to become overwhelmed like this. Removing regular routines and adopting a more relaxed schedule can be quite triggering for someone reliant on conformity.
Feeling overwhelmed or suddenly in the midst of new and busy environments can trigger sensory overload without warning as a tipping point is reached and it's hard to continue masking.
Even having a plan and it not working out or it being changed for any reason can he hard work.
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topi...
I hope you and your son find ways to minimise this, I wasn't aware of this stuff back when I was a child but the combination of jangly hormones and neurodiversity must be an absolute tinderbox
Feeling overwhelmed or suddenly in the midst of new and busy environments can trigger sensory overload without warning as a tipping point is reached and it's hard to continue masking.
Even having a plan and it not working out or it being changed for any reason can he hard work.
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topi...
I hope you and your son find ways to minimise this, I wasn't aware of this stuff back when I was a child but the combination of jangly hormones and neurodiversity must be an absolute tinderbox
As noted above, I think it will be hard to distill usual teenager behaviour traits from spectrum traits! Some people are also naturally introverts (see Mayers Briggs, or whatever that test is).
Have you asked your son if he could suggest to you what makes him feel the way he does? (If you can find a way to ask in a way that doesn't sound judgemental or accusing!)
If he is highly intelligent, as it seems many spectrum people are, you could also explain to him why you would like him to do new things and meet new people - even if he still does want to do such things, he would know why you think it might benefit him and that you are trying to help him.
Have you asked your son if he could suggest to you what makes him feel the way he does? (If you can find a way to ask in a way that doesn't sound judgemental or accusing!)
If he is highly intelligent, as it seems many spectrum people are, you could also explain to him why you would like him to do new things and meet new people - even if he still does want to do such things, he would know why you think it might benefit him and that you are trying to help him.
One thing that I've noticed my sister in law does with her very autistic son, is to describe what is going to happen next, explain to him what he might find difficult and ensure he knows what he can do or where he can go if he's overwhelmed, plus constantly adding new experiences so that normal is a bit of unfamiliar.
He's allowed to chill out in his room, but not shut himself away. Routine is that he comes down and helps with all meals and they all sit at the table and talk about their day and what happening next.
He's allowed to chill out in his room, but not shut himself away. Routine is that he comes down and helps with all meals and they all sit at the table and talk about their day and what happening next.
Thanks all for your thoughtful replies.
He has been recently diagnosed as having autism - but that’s it, where to go next and how to help him along feels like a steep learning curve.
He’s a bright lad, but has a pretty well defined comfort zone in terms of space, routine, clothing and activities. We stupidly thought that going on holiday might help him a bit, sounds like he’s miserable and taking it out on his mother.
We just don’t want him to shrink into an ever decreasing introverted shell especially as he starts his teenage years. I really worry that that’ll be hell for him if he can’t extend his boundaries and if not his Mum and Dad then at least have someone and something he can fall back on.
I’ve tried lots of things with him (chess, photography, art classes, swimming, woodworking, board game clubs….etc) to see if anything sticks but it’s all fallen flat.
Now he’s pushing us away too and I feel his just slipping away and I can’t really reach him any more.
If I’m being honest I’m scared that he needs help and I dunno how to give it to him because he doesn’t want to know or listen. If he doesn’t get help I’m worried he’ll not make it through teenage years and high school in one piece. Feels like the toughest problem to solve.
Sorry for the slightly emotional rant.
He has been recently diagnosed as having autism - but that’s it, where to go next and how to help him along feels like a steep learning curve.
He’s a bright lad, but has a pretty well defined comfort zone in terms of space, routine, clothing and activities. We stupidly thought that going on holiday might help him a bit, sounds like he’s miserable and taking it out on his mother.
We just don’t want him to shrink into an ever decreasing introverted shell especially as he starts his teenage years. I really worry that that’ll be hell for him if he can’t extend his boundaries and if not his Mum and Dad then at least have someone and something he can fall back on.
I’ve tried lots of things with him (chess, photography, art classes, swimming, woodworking, board game clubs….etc) to see if anything sticks but it’s all fallen flat.
Now he’s pushing us away too and I feel his just slipping away and I can’t really reach him any more.
If I’m being honest I’m scared that he needs help and I dunno how to give it to him because he doesn’t want to know or listen. If he doesn’t get help I’m worried he’ll not make it through teenage years and high school in one piece. Feels like the toughest problem to solve.
Sorry for the slightly emotional rant.
Hugo Stiglitz said:
Are either of you displaying traits?
I tend to wear the same clothes. Ive got loads the same!
Plus I've always gotten comfort to wearing a uniform for familiarity.
Im also a lifelong barely concealed introvert.
I like structure in my life but it’s certainly not as compulsive as my son. As a younger man I was a lot more protective of it and over time that’s changed. I tend to wear the same clothes. Ive got loads the same!
Plus I've always gotten comfort to wearing a uniform for familiarity.
Im also a lifelong barely concealed introvert.
As a child I wasn’t given a choice.
All three of mine are autistic and every one of them are totally different. The only seemingly constant thing is that they are about 5 years behind everyone else. Not in intelligence but in navigating society. My eldest is 26 and I am starting to believe that he may be able to run the household after we have passed on. However, there are yawning gaps, especially around new situations that may need to be researched, for example, returning things, knowing what the law says and not getting fobbed off.
The middle one is 20. Words fail me with them and I can fully understand that such kids can be beaten to death if they get born into the wrong family. Howver, the 5 year rule seems to bear out and when they get into their mid-20s, I expect to see a decent improvement.
The youngest has just finished her A-Levels and is quite clever. Her emotional intelligence is more on par with a 13 year old.
We found that explaining stuff in advance helped. As far as school was concerned, we really didn't have any problems with either staff or other pupils. It could have been much worse, I suppose. None of ours really leave the house, except on their own terms or if someone else organises everything.
I fully understand your fears but all you can do is your best. Make suggestions, rather than force issues, especially around socialising. For the future, I have tried to put together a sort of book of life, detailing what to do on the death of one of us, especially the last parent and stuff like not letting random doorknockers suggest remedial work on the roof, local autistic charities that might help etc but you can't document every possible scenario.
Good luck.
The middle one is 20. Words fail me with them and I can fully understand that such kids can be beaten to death if they get born into the wrong family. Howver, the 5 year rule seems to bear out and when they get into their mid-20s, I expect to see a decent improvement.
The youngest has just finished her A-Levels and is quite clever. Her emotional intelligence is more on par with a 13 year old.
We found that explaining stuff in advance helped. As far as school was concerned, we really didn't have any problems with either staff or other pupils. It could have been much worse, I suppose. None of ours really leave the house, except on their own terms or if someone else organises everything.
I fully understand your fears but all you can do is your best. Make suggestions, rather than force issues, especially around socialising. For the future, I have tried to put together a sort of book of life, detailing what to do on the death of one of us, especially the last parent and stuff like not letting random doorknockers suggest remedial work on the roof, local autistic charities that might help etc but you can't document every possible scenario.
Good luck.
Our 5yo has some of those traits.
We find it's important to let him know what the plan for the day is down to timings and what we're having for meals. This definitely helps a lot. Little things like knowing what lunch at school is, walking a particularly way to school despite a quicker way that's busier. I could insist therefore increasing his anxiety but we find it's very much a matter of picking the battles.
Desperately trying to be consistent in punishments and rewards, which is hard enough in itself.
Meltdowns are still inevitable and I do worry what they'll be like when he's nearly as big as me and not just a big 5yo.
We find it's important to let him know what the plan for the day is down to timings and what we're having for meals. This definitely helps a lot. Little things like knowing what lunch at school is, walking a particularly way to school despite a quicker way that's busier. I could insist therefore increasing his anxiety but we find it's very much a matter of picking the battles.
Desperately trying to be consistent in punishments and rewards, which is hard enough in itself.
Meltdowns are still inevitable and I do worry what they'll be like when he's nearly as big as me and not just a big 5yo.
Very difficult OP and you have my sympathies, my 13 year old daughter is diagnosed with Autism, along with ADHD and OCD.
My daughter is extremely intelligent and high functioning, and girls are typically much better at masking than boys are.
My daughter was diagnosed when she was 11 and we found that there was basically no support from anyone following the diagnosis, it was like "here's your diagnosis" and that was that, which my daughter has really struggled with. She felt like she lost all control of her life and to cut a long story short ended up working her way into an eating disorder as a way of coping, she is 13 now and has just come home from around 4 months in hospital due to "disordered eating"
I have found they key for my daughter is routine, she needs it so being at school is good for her because she understands the routine of it and accepts it. Because of her autism the school tried offering her some support lessons but would then frequently cancel them at the last moment because staff were not available, this then upset her because it was a change to what she expected to happen which she finds distressing, to the point she would rather they just didn't bother and just let her go to lessons instead.
She struggles with school holidays, especially the long summer holiday because there isn't the same structure then.
I don't have any answers because i'm trying to figure it out myself just sharing experience but I wish you well OP
My daughter is extremely intelligent and high functioning, and girls are typically much better at masking than boys are.
My daughter was diagnosed when she was 11 and we found that there was basically no support from anyone following the diagnosis, it was like "here's your diagnosis" and that was that, which my daughter has really struggled with. She felt like she lost all control of her life and to cut a long story short ended up working her way into an eating disorder as a way of coping, she is 13 now and has just come home from around 4 months in hospital due to "disordered eating"
I have found they key for my daughter is routine, she needs it so being at school is good for her because she understands the routine of it and accepts it. Because of her autism the school tried offering her some support lessons but would then frequently cancel them at the last moment because staff were not available, this then upset her because it was a change to what she expected to happen which she finds distressing, to the point she would rather they just didn't bother and just let her go to lessons instead.
She struggles with school holidays, especially the long summer holiday because there isn't the same structure then.
I don't have any answers because i'm trying to figure it out myself just sharing experience but I wish you well OP
Jamescrs said:
Very difficult OP and you have my sympathies, my 13 year old daughter is diagnosed with Autism, along with ADHD and OCD.
My daughter is extremely intelligent and high functioning, and girls are typically much better at masking than boys are.
My daughter was diagnosed when she was 11 and we found that there was basically no support from anyone following the diagnosis, it was like "here's your diagnosis" and that was that, which my daughter has really struggled with. She felt like she lost all control of her life and to cut a long story short ended up working her way into an eating disorder as a way of coping, she is 13 now and has just come home from around 4 months in hospital due to "disordered eating"
I have found they key for my daughter is routine, she needs it so being at school is good for her because she understands the routine of it and accepts it. Because of her autism the school tried offering her some support lessons but would then frequently cancel them at the last moment because staff were not available, this then upset her because it was a change to what she expected to happen which she finds distressing, to the point she would rather they just didn't bother and just let her go to lessons instead.
She struggles with school holidays, especially the long summer holiday because there isn't the same structure then.
I don't have any answers because i'm trying to figure it out myself just sharing experience but I wish you well OP
My eight year old step son has Autism and ADHD. Your experience is similar to ours. Here is the report. And nothing else. My daughter is extremely intelligent and high functioning, and girls are typically much better at masking than boys are.
My daughter was diagnosed when she was 11 and we found that there was basically no support from anyone following the diagnosis, it was like "here's your diagnosis" and that was that, which my daughter has really struggled with. She felt like she lost all control of her life and to cut a long story short ended up working her way into an eating disorder as a way of coping, she is 13 now and has just come home from around 4 months in hospital due to "disordered eating"
I have found they key for my daughter is routine, she needs it so being at school is good for her because she understands the routine of it and accepts it. Because of her autism the school tried offering her some support lessons but would then frequently cancel them at the last moment because staff were not available, this then upset her because it was a change to what she expected to happen which she finds distressing, to the point she would rather they just didn't bother and just let her go to lessons instead.
She struggles with school holidays, especially the long summer holiday because there isn't the same structure then.
I don't have any answers because i'm trying to figure it out myself just sharing experience but I wish you well OP
Thankfully, his school (a SEN school) is fantastic. They are pushing for getting extra support, but its so frustrating. The NHS paid for him to get diagnosed privately due to the waiting times, they recommend medication but because it was privately done its not that simple...
The thing that gates me is that he was fairly run of the mill in terms of behaviours until about 4th year in primary. At that point he started to pull away from people (COVID didn't help) and he's got progressively worse.
Is this normal?
That is to be fairly outgoing and engaged and then it seems like a shadow has just fallen across him.
Thanks for all the replies to my topic, it's good to know we're not alone in this.
Is this normal?
That is to be fairly outgoing and engaged and then it seems like a shadow has just fallen across him.
Thanks for all the replies to my topic, it's good to know we're not alone in this.
towser said:
Hi - looking to bounce things off others who may have more experience in this than me.
My son (11) we think has some level of autism. His behaviour lately is causing my wife and I concern. To summarise :
1) Locks himself away in his room - not unusual for an 11 year old but he seems to self isolate
2) Always wears the same clothes and gets anxious if they are not clean and ready for him
3) Struggles to attend school, it can be battle to get him to go
4) Hates changes to his routine or unplanned activities
5) Shows little interest in new things
6) Is very socially awkward and nervous
Anyway, he's away on holiday right now with my wife, his sister and granny and had a massive, nasty meltdown with my wife this morning. Calling her all kinds of names, criticising her for things that have happened in the past, telling her he hated her etc....seemed to be completely overwhelmed and out of control.
He eventually calmed down and apologised. He would never do this with me as I would push back but his mother is, I guess, much softer and hence takes the brunt of these breakdowns.
We worry he's too isolated and we've made it too easy for him to avoid doing things he doesn't like doing e.g. an impromptu visit to the beach at the weekend for example. We're worried that if he keeps on like this he'll only get worse and more and more isolated.
My wife and I are going to arrange to speak to a counsellor to figure out some coping strategies and get some advice and support. We think, he too, need some sort of mentor or support but we'll take it one step at a time.
This is such a minefield of opinions and worries.
Any advice on he to get him more engaged with life and his family - I'm kind of at my wits end and a bit scared to be honest.
You're not alone and I am finding it a nightmare. My case is even more complicated, 16 year old daughter has cerebral palsy, so has a physical disability on top of autism. To be frank, the physical side is easy compared to the autism. Any change in a routine, any different treatment that is necessary as a result of the CP, any reference to her blue badge, wheelchairs is met with a full on meltdown and rage. It's almost got to the stage where there is no point trying to plan what I am going to say or do, as it will be met with the hair dryer treatment. Just last night, the front door pane of glass was shattered again, after spending 1K to fix it a few months back. Every TV screen in the house has a protective cover over the top, i've lost count of the amount of phones and remote controls that have gone flying into them. My son (11) we think has some level of autism. His behaviour lately is causing my wife and I concern. To summarise :
1) Locks himself away in his room - not unusual for an 11 year old but he seems to self isolate
2) Always wears the same clothes and gets anxious if they are not clean and ready for him
3) Struggles to attend school, it can be battle to get him to go
4) Hates changes to his routine or unplanned activities
5) Shows little interest in new things
6) Is very socially awkward and nervous
Anyway, he's away on holiday right now with my wife, his sister and granny and had a massive, nasty meltdown with my wife this morning. Calling her all kinds of names, criticising her for things that have happened in the past, telling her he hated her etc....seemed to be completely overwhelmed and out of control.
He eventually calmed down and apologised. He would never do this with me as I would push back but his mother is, I guess, much softer and hence takes the brunt of these breakdowns.
We worry he's too isolated and we've made it too easy for him to avoid doing things he doesn't like doing e.g. an impromptu visit to the beach at the weekend for example. We're worried that if he keeps on like this he'll only get worse and more and more isolated.
My wife and I are going to arrange to speak to a counsellor to figure out some coping strategies and get some advice and support. We think, he too, need some sort of mentor or support but we'll take it one step at a time.
This is such a minefield of opinions and worries.
Any advice on he to get him more engaged with life and his family - I'm kind of at my wits end and a bit scared to be honest.
Punches, kicks, spits at my wife..she ended up with a mark on her face. I get it just as bad, and in fact get called all sorts of disgusting names. It's like a ticking time bomb to be honest and I don't know what to do and live one minute to the next. She is either gearing up to a rage, in the middle of a rage, or calming down from a rage for about half of the day.
So as much as I would like to give some advice and tell you things can make it better...I can't. However, what I can say is that you will just get on with it and it will be part of daily life, so in fact you might not even notice it anymore. Sorry to be a downer.
sir humphrey appleby said:
You're not alone and I am finding it a nightmare. My case is even more complicated, 16 year old daughter has cerebral palsy, so has a physical disability on top of autism. To be frank, the physical side is easy compared to the autism. Any change in a routine, any different treatment that is necessary as a result of the CP, any reference to her blue badge, wheelchairs is met with a full on meltdown and rage. It's almost got to the stage where there is no point trying to plan what I am going to say or do, as it will be met with the hair dryer treatment. Just last night, the front door pane of glass was shattered again, after spending 1K to fix it a few months back. Every TV screen in the house has a protective cover over the top, i've lost count of the amount of phones and remote controls that have gone flying into them.
Punches, kicks, spits at my wife..she ended up with a mark on her face. I get it just as bad, and in fact get called all sorts of disgusting names. It's like a ticking time bomb to be honest and I don't know what to do and live one minute to the next. She is either gearing up to a rage, in the middle of a rage, or calming down from a rage for about half of the day.
So as much as I would like to give some advice and tell you things can make it better...I can't. However, what I can say is that you will just get on with it and it will be part of daily life, so in fact you might not even notice it anymore. Sorry to be a downer.
Thanks for taking the time to reply....as Hugo has already said my situation seems like loose change in comparison to what you're experiencing. Punches, kicks, spits at my wife..she ended up with a mark on her face. I get it just as bad, and in fact get called all sorts of disgusting names. It's like a ticking time bomb to be honest and I don't know what to do and live one minute to the next. She is either gearing up to a rage, in the middle of a rage, or calming down from a rage for about half of the day.
So as much as I would like to give some advice and tell you things can make it better...I can't. However, what I can say is that you will just get on with it and it will be part of daily life, so in fact you might not even notice it anymore. Sorry to be a downer.
I suppose as parents we all feel the ongoing need to solve our kids problems and make them happy regardless and with autism it just feels like it's a mile high wall to climb.
towser said:
sir humphrey appleby said:
You're not alone and I am finding it a nightmare. My case is even more complicated, 16 year old daughter has cerebral palsy, so has a physical disability on top of autism. To be frank, the physical side is easy compared to the autism. Any change in a routine, any different treatment that is necessary as a result of the CP, any reference to her blue badge, wheelchairs is met with a full on meltdown and rage. It's almost got to the stage where there is no point trying to plan what I am going to say or do, as it will be met with the hair dryer treatment. Just last night, the front door pane of glass was shattered again, after spending 1K to fix it a few months back. Every TV screen in the house has a protective cover over the top, i've lost count of the amount of phones and remote controls that have gone flying into them.
Punches, kicks, spits at my wife..she ended up with a mark on her face. I get it just as bad, and in fact get called all sorts of disgusting names. It's like a ticking time bomb to be honest and I don't know what to do and live one minute to the next. She is either gearing up to a rage, in the middle of a rage, or calming down from a rage for about half of the day.
So as much as I would like to give some advice and tell you things can make it better...I can't. However, what I can say is that you will just get on with it and it will be part of daily life, so in fact you might not even notice it anymore. Sorry to be a downer.
Thanks for taking the time to reply....as Hugo has already said my situation seems like loose change in comparison to what you're experiencing. Punches, kicks, spits at my wife..she ended up with a mark on her face. I get it just as bad, and in fact get called all sorts of disgusting names. It's like a ticking time bomb to be honest and I don't know what to do and live one minute to the next. She is either gearing up to a rage, in the middle of a rage, or calming down from a rage for about half of the day.
So as much as I would like to give some advice and tell you things can make it better...I can't. However, what I can say is that you will just get on with it and it will be part of daily life, so in fact you might not even notice it anymore. Sorry to be a downer.
I suppose as parents we all feel the ongoing need to solve our kids problems and make them happy regardless and with autism it just feels like it's a mile high wall to climb.
Please try to get as much help, resource as you can, keep banging on to whoever you need to for anything you might need. It will be a battle but parents of SEN kids must be up for it. Good luck and stay strong.
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