CFS/ME and mental health. Lost on what to do.
Discussion
Let me start by saying that I have hit a wall.
My wife has chronic fatigue /ME.
For nearly 20 years.
Recently (like is seems forever) there is a destructive pattern. What happens, is something that happens every 3 to 4 weeks. What happened this time?
Let's go back to before Easter. Daughter and her Boyfriend were due back from traveling in Asia.
His father and sister were somehow invited for Easter.
In the 4 weeks leading up to this, she developed a Hyacinth Bucket like attitude, which led to me spending lots of my spare time gardening and cleaning the house, and making sure we had bedding ironed.
So then daughter and boyfriend were collected from airport then we had to visit my mother for her birthday on Good Friday. 2 hours plus each way. Next day the visit started. I basically spent 2.5 days cooking and washing up. (Not saying I didn't get a bit of help). Then the next weekend our son desended on us with toddler and very pregnant wife. And we did it all again. In the 3 days between that more preparations were made. Lists of food bought and cakes made.
Then my wife went away last Monday for a night with her friend. 2 days ago (Thursday) daughter disappeared to Spain for a hen do. Wife hits brick wall. She's been running on adrenaline and this means that she ends up virtually bed ridden. Now I'm happy to go to work and come home and make meals and play board games and generally be attentive. But and this in the pattern.
Suddenly at 9pm last night she's obviously nit looking forward to a night where she won't be able to sleep, she's been in the same room in bed for hours despite my suggestions that I could drive her to the beach.
She becomes horrible. Accusing me of not looking after her, not giving her emotional support.
The whole thing escalates. This morning it continues. I get her the nicest breakfast in bed anyone could achieve, and she's telling me basically how I have never met her emotional needs.
I made the mistake of saying "I actually don't know what you want or need"
Breakfast thrown across the room.
The woman is so sad and desperate, but it comes across as anger at me. There's nothing I can say. In fact if I try to say anything I'm told that it's all my fault, my behaviour.
She called her friend to come around and I've gone out to "take a good look at myself"
I just can't get over the fact that actually this is not my fault. Of course if someone throws breakfast across the room, and tells me that I'm a s
t and am emotionally abusing them, when my only crime is to not actually know how to help her, then it's not unreasonable that I might raise my voice to tell her she's wrong.
I don't know what to do now.
The fact is that she's obviously suffering mentally, but her way of dealing with it is making me want to run and hide and never come back. And affecting my mental health.
My wife has chronic fatigue /ME.
For nearly 20 years.
Recently (like is seems forever) there is a destructive pattern. What happens, is something that happens every 3 to 4 weeks. What happened this time?
Let's go back to before Easter. Daughter and her Boyfriend were due back from traveling in Asia.
His father and sister were somehow invited for Easter.
In the 4 weeks leading up to this, she developed a Hyacinth Bucket like attitude, which led to me spending lots of my spare time gardening and cleaning the house, and making sure we had bedding ironed.
So then daughter and boyfriend were collected from airport then we had to visit my mother for her birthday on Good Friday. 2 hours plus each way. Next day the visit started. I basically spent 2.5 days cooking and washing up. (Not saying I didn't get a bit of help). Then the next weekend our son desended on us with toddler and very pregnant wife. And we did it all again. In the 3 days between that more preparations were made. Lists of food bought and cakes made.
Then my wife went away last Monday for a night with her friend. 2 days ago (Thursday) daughter disappeared to Spain for a hen do. Wife hits brick wall. She's been running on adrenaline and this means that she ends up virtually bed ridden. Now I'm happy to go to work and come home and make meals and play board games and generally be attentive. But and this in the pattern.
Suddenly at 9pm last night she's obviously nit looking forward to a night where she won't be able to sleep, she's been in the same room in bed for hours despite my suggestions that I could drive her to the beach.
She becomes horrible. Accusing me of not looking after her, not giving her emotional support.
The whole thing escalates. This morning it continues. I get her the nicest breakfast in bed anyone could achieve, and she's telling me basically how I have never met her emotional needs.
I made the mistake of saying "I actually don't know what you want or need"
Breakfast thrown across the room.
The woman is so sad and desperate, but it comes across as anger at me. There's nothing I can say. In fact if I try to say anything I'm told that it's all my fault, my behaviour.
She called her friend to come around and I've gone out to "take a good look at myself"
I just can't get over the fact that actually this is not my fault. Of course if someone throws breakfast across the room, and tells me that I'm a s
t and am emotionally abusing them, when my only crime is to not actually know how to help her, then it's not unreasonable that I might raise my voice to tell her she's wrong. I don't know what to do now.
The fact is that she's obviously suffering mentally, but her way of dealing with it is making me want to run and hide and never come back. And affecting my mental health.
Cheese on Toast with Worcestershire Sauce said:
Sorry to hear you're going through this. Why are you sticking around and accepting this behaviour? Sounds like she's used to treating you like a doormat
Sorry to say, I'm inclined to agree. I've seen your posts over the years in the Lounge where you've mentioned this type of behaviour of hers. This is not an isolated issue.Pit Pony said:
I just can't get over the fact that actually this is not my fault. Of course if someone throws breakfast across the room, and tells me that I'm a st and am emotionally abusing them, when my only crime is to not actually know how to help her, then it's not unreasonable that I might raise my voice to tell her she's wrong.
The reversal of accusing you to be emotionally abusing her is straight out the abuser's playbook.t and am emotionally abusing them, when my only crime is to not actually know how to help her, then it's not unreasonable that I might raise my voice to tell her she's wrong. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO
Pit Pony said:
Loyalty after 35 years of marriage.
Understandable..What does she bring to the relationship? Does she make you happy?
Edited by g3org3y on Saturday 3rd May 16:52
PP, so sorry to read this.
Having supported my wonderful wife through years of ME, and major health problems after a work accident I can sympathise on the toll it takes on you, the carer. Quite a heavy toll.
You’ll be searching for the way to deal with her frustration, and also how to occupy yourself when she’s not able to join you. It can be lonely when all you want to do is spend time with your love (wife!) doing normal things and then for them to turn around and throw things back at you. Especially when you’re doing all the ‘giving’.
From her perspective she’ll be so exhausted and frustrated at her self. She’ll be longing for a normal life, if she can indeed remember what normal is, so when the going is good she’ll very understandably overdo it. The ups and downs create anger and she’ll take that out on the nearest person. I don’t know if she’s on any medication, but they can also play havoc with emotions.
My wife recovered from being in a wheelchair, to now walking 5miles a day for enjoyment and is starting her own business. Your wife will get batter, but after 20yrs of ill health, I heavily suspect your wife needs some proper hope that life won’t always be like this.
I had counselling when my wife was at her most sick, and it did me the world of good. I’d recommend that as a first stop for you. It’s impossible for you to cope on your own. I also found a love for cycling. It was a huge stress reliever for me, and while my wife slept I could go out for long rides and have valuable me time. I got home, feeling recharged and better able to cope with caring.
I don’t know how you’d approach getting your wife to find an outlet like counselling, but I feel it would only be beneficial for her.
Coming out the other end of my wife’s health journey, I’m now suffering with some health issues. In my quest to find a way forward I’ve since discovered that my condition (neural circuit pain) falls under the umbrella of a mind-body syndrome. However, in my research I’ve learnt that ME/CFS, POTS, IBS etc are all similar, and they can also be treated with patients making very good recoveries. Google Dr Howard Schubiner and start reading. There are a good number of health conditions that continue because our neural pathways have been inadvertently reprogrammed and we find ourselves into a vicious circle, despite there being no disease, organ damage or tissue damage. You may be able to help your wife. I’m being serious.
From a relationship pov, if it were me, I’d not give up on her. If you still love her, find a way to open communication, where you can explain you still have her back and understand, but she has to be aware how her outbursts are distressing to you.
I’m saying all this from the comfort of a sofa and that it’s all easy to say. But within your environment I get that tensions could be running very high. Other posters have indicated you’ve spoken about outbursts before, so I might be off the mark and this is genuinely the last straw.
Best wishes…. If I can help with more info re: Dr Howard S, PM me.
Having supported my wonderful wife through years of ME, and major health problems after a work accident I can sympathise on the toll it takes on you, the carer. Quite a heavy toll.
You’ll be searching for the way to deal with her frustration, and also how to occupy yourself when she’s not able to join you. It can be lonely when all you want to do is spend time with your love (wife!) doing normal things and then for them to turn around and throw things back at you. Especially when you’re doing all the ‘giving’.
From her perspective she’ll be so exhausted and frustrated at her self. She’ll be longing for a normal life, if she can indeed remember what normal is, so when the going is good she’ll very understandably overdo it. The ups and downs create anger and she’ll take that out on the nearest person. I don’t know if she’s on any medication, but they can also play havoc with emotions.
My wife recovered from being in a wheelchair, to now walking 5miles a day for enjoyment and is starting her own business. Your wife will get batter, but after 20yrs of ill health, I heavily suspect your wife needs some proper hope that life won’t always be like this.
I had counselling when my wife was at her most sick, and it did me the world of good. I’d recommend that as a first stop for you. It’s impossible for you to cope on your own. I also found a love for cycling. It was a huge stress reliever for me, and while my wife slept I could go out for long rides and have valuable me time. I got home, feeling recharged and better able to cope with caring.
I don’t know how you’d approach getting your wife to find an outlet like counselling, but I feel it would only be beneficial for her.
Coming out the other end of my wife’s health journey, I’m now suffering with some health issues. In my quest to find a way forward I’ve since discovered that my condition (neural circuit pain) falls under the umbrella of a mind-body syndrome. However, in my research I’ve learnt that ME/CFS, POTS, IBS etc are all similar, and they can also be treated with patients making very good recoveries. Google Dr Howard Schubiner and start reading. There are a good number of health conditions that continue because our neural pathways have been inadvertently reprogrammed and we find ourselves into a vicious circle, despite there being no disease, organ damage or tissue damage. You may be able to help your wife. I’m being serious.
From a relationship pov, if it were me, I’d not give up on her. If you still love her, find a way to open communication, where you can explain you still have her back and understand, but she has to be aware how her outbursts are distressing to you.
I’m saying all this from the comfort of a sofa and that it’s all easy to say. But within your environment I get that tensions could be running very high. Other posters have indicated you’ve spoken about outbursts before, so I might be off the mark and this is genuinely the last straw.
Best wishes…. If I can help with more info re: Dr Howard S, PM me.
Sorry to hear mate.
My gf is liks this and refuses to seek help or address the situation ie get a job she can cope with
She loves doing courses online that dont relate and then not finishing them. Rinse and repeat
The black hole woe is me crap is doing me in. No plans no goals and god forbid you ask for a bit of financial help
We are finishing up, cant live like this
My gf is liks this and refuses to seek help or address the situation ie get a job she can cope with
She loves doing courses online that dont relate and then not finishing them. Rinse and repeat
The black hole woe is me crap is doing me in. No plans no goals and god forbid you ask for a bit of financial help
We are finishing up, cant live like this
Pit Pony said:
Loyalty after 35 years of marriage.
There’s a strength that you sometimes need to realise that you are doing the right things for the person you have chosen to spend your life with. If they sometimes can’t appreciate it or lash out at you as the easiest target then recognising it for what it is becomes very important. Of course it’s not a bottomless pit but try not to pay too much attention to the comments that knee jerk straight towards the door as if you should throw 35 years away, it’s never that simple.
I've tried to take a long hard look at my own behaviour in all this angst. And yes, I clearly get angry when I'm told things in a way that hurts. I've actually made it all very much worse as the week has gone on.
What gets me is its impossible to say "Let's have a truce. We are both mentally, emotional physically exhausted. Let's just have a few days where we just recover a bit"
That's not allowed. What is allowed is my wife to state all her grievances. I'm not allowed to say sorry....my sorrys mean nothing. I cam not give explanations for anything I've said..... I'm lying to myself and gaslighting her.
She is absolutely exhausted. It's tearing me apart.
What gets me is its impossible to say "Let's have a truce. We are both mentally, emotional physically exhausted. Let's just have a few days where we just recover a bit"
That's not allowed. What is allowed is my wife to state all her grievances. I'm not allowed to say sorry....my sorrys mean nothing. I cam not give explanations for anything I've said..... I'm lying to myself and gaslighting her.
She is absolutely exhausted. It's tearing me apart.
g3org3y said:
Cheese on Toast with Worcestershire Sauce said:
Sorry to hear you're going through this. Why are you sticking around and accepting this behaviour? Sounds like she's used to treating you like a doormat
Sorry to say, I'm inclined to agree. I've seen your posts over the years in the Lounge where you've mentioned this type of behaviour of hers. This is not an isolated issue.Pit Pony said:
I just can't get over the fact that actually this is not my fault. Of course if someone throws breakfast across the room, and tells me that I'm a st and am emotionally abusing them, when my only crime is to not actually know how to help her, then it's not unreasonable that I might raise my voice to tell her she's wrong.
The reversal of accusing you to be emotionally abusing her is straight out the abuser's playbook.t and am emotionally abusing them, when my only crime is to not actually know how to help her, then it's not unreasonable that I might raise my voice to tell her she's wrong. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO
Pit Pony said:
Loyalty after 35 years of marriage.
Understandable..What does she bring to the relationship? Does she make you happy?
Edited by g3org3y on Saturday 3rd May 16:52
Pit Pony said:
I've tried to take a long hard look at my own behaviour in all this angst. And yes, I clearly get angry when I'm told things in a way that hurts. I've actually made it all very much worse as the week has gone on.
What gets me is its impossible to say "Let's have a truce. We are both mentally, emotional physically exhausted. Let's just have a few days where we just recover a bit"
That's not allowed. What is allowed is my wife to state all her grievances. I'm not allowed to say sorry....my sorrys mean nothing. I cam not give explanations for anything I've said..... I'm lying to myself and gaslighting her.
She is absolutely exhausted. It's tearing me apart.
I went through this stage with a lunatic ex. Blaming myself for her behaviour. What a stupid mistake that was. She knows she can treat you like absolute sWhat gets me is its impossible to say "Let's have a truce. We are both mentally, emotional physically exhausted. Let's just have a few days where we just recover a bit"
That's not allowed. What is allowed is my wife to state all her grievances. I'm not allowed to say sorry....my sorrys mean nothing. I cam not give explanations for anything I've said..... I'm lying to myself and gaslighting her.
She is absolutely exhausted. It's tearing me apart.
t and you'll do nothing. How long will you accept that for? Cheese on Toast with Worcestershire Sauce said:
Pit Pony said:
I've tried to take a long hard look at my own behaviour in all this angst. And yes, I clearly get angry when I'm told things in a way that hurts. I've actually made it all very much worse as the week has gone on.
What gets me is its impossible to say "Let's have a truce. We are both mentally, emotional physically exhausted. Let's just have a few days where we just recover a bit"
That's not allowed. What is allowed is my wife to state all her grievances. I'm not allowed to say sorry....my sorrys mean nothing. I cam not give explanations for anything I've said..... I'm lying to myself and gaslighting her.
She is absolutely exhausted. It's tearing me apart.
I went through this stage with a lunatic ex. Blaming myself for her behaviour. What a stupid mistake that was. She knows she can treat you like absolute sWhat gets me is its impossible to say "Let's have a truce. We are both mentally, emotional physically exhausted. Let's just have a few days where we just recover a bit"
That's not allowed. What is allowed is my wife to state all her grievances. I'm not allowed to say sorry....my sorrys mean nothing. I cam not give explanations for anything I've said..... I'm lying to myself and gaslighting her.
She is absolutely exhausted. It's tearing me apart.
t and you'll do nothing. How long will you accept that for? One of the things she said (in passing...but it's obviously in her head) was that if she asked me to leave for three months (whilst daughter is in Central America... She's going to be living here for a few months when she gets back I think) to allow her time to think, she thinks I wouldn't fight for our marriage, I'd go and lick my wounds and blame her for everything. I don't even know what fighting for a marriage means. I asked her for a truce yesterday morning and her response was that she's not pushing it all under the carpet.
Quite frankly if I did leave, then It would be more stress for her than she's ever had to deal with.
At the moment her sister has a serious illness that the doctors are struggling to control. Her brothers wife has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Our daughter is touring central American (We both dropped them off at Manchester yesterday morning). Every time she takes her sister to an appointment, she ends the day in an argument with me. Everytime something stressful or exhausting happens she ends up telling me I am not supporting her. Well bugger me. If you stopped telling me how s
t I am, I might actually work out what you actually need. My ex had a rapid cycling bi-polar mania.
It went from her getting a bit depressed and a bit ‘high’ once or twice a year to someting very serious.
I spent 5 years of my life on it. Our psychiatrist was frustrated as she would not follow his instructions.
In the end I delivered a (final) ultimatum. Nothing changed. I walked.
Nearly 10 years ago now.
She went back to NZ. Got sectioned several times (including after a police chase), tried to commit suicide multiple times. Me not being there to support meant that she got sectioned and finally got serious intervention.
She is now married to a lovely guy and is more in control.
I went mental in London for 18 months. Women, going out too much, more coke than I should have used etc etc…crazy times!
Ended up married, living in a different country and with a daughter.
I have regrets as to some of the way I handled the split plus some of my behaviour post-split. The result though was positive in the end. We remain good friends and talk regularly.
If you’ve given it a good shot, feel you’ve done your best, then I’d say there is no shame in walking away.
It went from her getting a bit depressed and a bit ‘high’ once or twice a year to someting very serious.
I spent 5 years of my life on it. Our psychiatrist was frustrated as she would not follow his instructions.
In the end I delivered a (final) ultimatum. Nothing changed. I walked.
Nearly 10 years ago now.
She went back to NZ. Got sectioned several times (including after a police chase), tried to commit suicide multiple times. Me not being there to support meant that she got sectioned and finally got serious intervention.
She is now married to a lovely guy and is more in control.
I went mental in London for 18 months. Women, going out too much, more coke than I should have used etc etc…crazy times!
Ended up married, living in a different country and with a daughter.
I have regrets as to some of the way I handled the split plus some of my behaviour post-split. The result though was positive in the end. We remain good friends and talk regularly.
If you’ve given it a good shot, feel you’ve done your best, then I’d say there is no shame in walking away.
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