How to win friends and...
Discussion
Background, year and a bit ago split from my wife, we were together for 20+ years, basically most of my adult life. Over that time I focussed on her, the kids, and my job, we relocated from where I grew up. I never really built much of a social life as I had what I needed. Now I have basically nothing. See the kids a lot, but they are teens, nearly adults, and have their own busy social lives and would rather be with their friends.
So trying to open a social network of people but finding it really hard and slow going. I started playing and coaching cricket last year, few guys I get on well with there and I hope this season relationships with them will grow. I joined the David Lloyd, signed up to the intro tennis programme, get put with a bunch of middle aged married women, not what I was hoping for. I made the effort to be sociable with everyone, introduced myself, talked to them, got on fine, course ends, never see them again Every one in the gym is headphones on focussed on their workouts and hard to strike up a convo.
Looked on MeetUp but the local groups all seem to be more of the same, middle aged women, and nothing that particularly interests me.
I think I get on well with people and am a pretty relaxed easy going person, I just struggle to take an acquaintance and form it in to a friendship. I dont know how to do that. I feel guilty or like I am imposing on people. Good example, guy I coach with, get on great, his really nice. I am sure if I messaged him and said fancy a beer he would say yes, but I dont, because I think, he has younger kids than me, has a busy job and has to travel while WFH etc etc and so I dont do it.
I would possibly like to start dating as well, but I dont really have any friends to do some good photos for my profile, and would be nice to have some people to go out with and maybe meet some women IRL.
I spent the last year being lonely and having a pity party, now I feel like I am making the right moves, but dont seem to be getting anywhere.
Anyone got any ideas?
So trying to open a social network of people but finding it really hard and slow going. I started playing and coaching cricket last year, few guys I get on well with there and I hope this season relationships with them will grow. I joined the David Lloyd, signed up to the intro tennis programme, get put with a bunch of middle aged married women, not what I was hoping for. I made the effort to be sociable with everyone, introduced myself, talked to them, got on fine, course ends, never see them again Every one in the gym is headphones on focussed on their workouts and hard to strike up a convo.
Looked on MeetUp but the local groups all seem to be more of the same, middle aged women, and nothing that particularly interests me.
I think I get on well with people and am a pretty relaxed easy going person, I just struggle to take an acquaintance and form it in to a friendship. I dont know how to do that. I feel guilty or like I am imposing on people. Good example, guy I coach with, get on great, his really nice. I am sure if I messaged him and said fancy a beer he would say yes, but I dont, because I think, he has younger kids than me, has a busy job and has to travel while WFH etc etc and so I dont do it.
I would possibly like to start dating as well, but I dont really have any friends to do some good photos for my profile, and would be nice to have some people to go out with and maybe meet some women IRL.
I spent the last year being lonely and having a pity party, now I feel like I am making the right moves, but dont seem to be getting anywhere.
Anyone got any ideas?
t that hangs around with other miserable tdundarach said:
Join some clubs, take some courses.
I've been in a similar position to the OP some time agoThe problem with the above strategy is that a lot people do them for hobbies, rather than to socialise.
This is perfectly logical, of course, but it means that someone joining for social reasons can be faced with a load of people who are perfectly pleasant and friendly at the 'event' (club/course/whatever) but they have limited time for actual socialising and making friends due to family, work, etc.
It's really hard in the modern world to obtain new friends. The only advice I can give to the OP is to keep at it - join loads of things, make your diary as busy as possible. It's a bit like dating in that there's a hit rate - you won't make 100 new friends but if you can get a few out of it you'll be doing well!
Friends can also develop more friends.
Oh and try hard to swallow the pride on the assumption of others' time or schedule. If you want to go for a beer, ask. If people are busy, they'll say so.
Trick is to keep it varied and don't pester one or two people all the time as, you may have a lot more free time than them if you're single.
I am younger than you but when I moved abroad I went through a similar situation of not knowing anyone and having to build a social life.
Lots of people don't try and build a friendship with someone because they fear they are imposing in my experience. It is odd because the same people often want friends (like you do). I would just start making plans with people. You might be surprised how appreciated it is.
Lots of people don't try and build a friendship with someone because they fear they are imposing in my experience. It is odd because the same people often want friends (like you do). I would just start making plans with people. You might be surprised how appreciated it is.
TownIdiot said:
To be honest it sounds like you have made a decent fist of starting - one thing that stands out is that you say you want to start dating but didn't like mixing with "middle aged women"
sounds like a good way of finding someone to date to me.
Should have added "married", I dont mind making friends with them but cant imagine that many are looking to make friends with a 40 something single bloke.sounds like a good way of finding someone to date to me.
Scabutz said:
Should have added "married", I dont mind making friends with them but cant imagine that many are looking to make friends with a 40 something single bloke.
Fair enough - tbh I really do think you are along the right lines so I'd just keep going along similar lines, until you find something that fits the bill - especially if you don't fancy online dating.Workplace and hobbies are where you typically find friends. If you're not developing any friendships there then you might need to look closer to home for the 'problem' with why you're a loner. You can't 'force' friends and if you try it quickly gets picked up on by the other party.
For dating, get yourself in shape, groom yourself well and wear nice togs that fit you well. Then you don't even need to try as your self-confidence from feeling and looking good will be detected by the womens and they'll be approaching you.
For dating, get yourself in shape, groom yourself well and wear nice togs that fit you well. Then you don't even need to try as your self-confidence from feeling and looking good will be detected by the womens and they'll be approaching you.
Tisy said:
Workplace and hobbies are where you typically find friends. If you're not developing any friendships there then you might need to look closer to home for the 'problem' with why you're a loner. You can't 'force' friends and if you try it quickly gets picked up on by the other party.
For dating, get yourself in shape, groom yourself well and wear nice togs that fit you well. Then you don't even need to try as your self-confidence from feeling and looking good will be detected by the womens and they'll be approaching you.
Work is tricky, Im a director and report to the board so there are few people on my level. I can be friendly with the people who report to me but its hard to be friends with those you manage, plus we all WFH and no one else is near me.For dating, get yourself in shape, groom yourself well and wear nice togs that fit you well. Then you don't even need to try as your self-confidence from feeling and looking good will be detected by the womens and they'll be approaching you.
As for the second part I am fully on top of that. Been going to the gym, swimming, running, tennis. Have lost weight and look and feel good, bought some new clothes, gone back to shaving regularly and getting a better regular hair cut. Previously I looked like I had been startled by a fire alarm. Already walk more confidently
Bluevanman said:
Re Meetup,how do you know all the middle aged women are married ? Have you actually been to any of the events ? In my experience the vast majority of people.....of all ages .... on Meet up are single and looking for friendship predominantly
Fair point, I've judged from the group photos. Still nothing local interests me. A book club, fine, but I favour non fiction and not sure that's for me.I should just try one of these groups and see. Really nothing to lose and it might turn out OK.
Will have another look
You mention kids, could you volunteer to take some sport classes after school? Our school utilises volunteers like that and then you get to meet parents. Not all parents are married. Some maybe married but unhappy and looking for someone else?
People may sneer but being part of your parish council can be very sociable. They're not all 70 year old pensioners. Meetings are usually evenings so can fit around work.
Join a darts/pool/snooker/table tennis etc team. Mostly evenings so wouldn't interfere with work time. Most are welcoming of new members.
Set up a WhatsApp group with your neighbours. This happened to us during lockdown and brought everyone together more socially and still going strong.
People may sneer but being part of your parish council can be very sociable. They're not all 70 year old pensioners. Meetings are usually evenings so can fit around work.
Join a darts/pool/snooker/table tennis etc team. Mostly evenings so wouldn't interfere with work time. Most are welcoming of new members.
Set up a WhatsApp group with your neighbours. This happened to us during lockdown and brought everyone together more socially and still going strong.
If you like fitness, look at your local running club, there is almost certainly one in your area, they are all like minded people of all ages and the one in my town goes for a run on a Saturday then goes to Nero for a coffee after, a big mix of ages from 18-60s, male, female, married, single etc.
Another good idea is when you ask someone if they want to do something, say would you like to go for a beer on Saturday at 6pm at this pub? Or coffee at this place at this time. It’s much more likely they’ll say yes than if you say let’s go for a beer sometime, or if not they’ll often say can’t do 6 how about Sunday at 1?
Daiting wise, just get a tinder account, or plenty of fish etc, you’ll be surprised how horny divorced middle aged women are, especially if you’re in good shape.
Meet up is good, just go along, everyone’s in the same boat, some might have husbands in the same situation as you without many friends
I moved to a new area when I was in my 20s, working a job not at an office and I find it extremely hard to meet new people, especially my own age. Everyone’s having kids or too busy, so I just please myself most of the time, take myself for coffee etc.
Another good idea is when you ask someone if they want to do something, say would you like to go for a beer on Saturday at 6pm at this pub? Or coffee at this place at this time. It’s much more likely they’ll say yes than if you say let’s go for a beer sometime, or if not they’ll often say can’t do 6 how about Sunday at 1?
Daiting wise, just get a tinder account, or plenty of fish etc, you’ll be surprised how horny divorced middle aged women are, especially if you’re in good shape.
Meet up is good, just go along, everyone’s in the same boat, some might have husbands in the same situation as you without many friends
I moved to a new area when I was in my 20s, working a job not at an office and I find it extremely hard to meet new people, especially my own age. Everyone’s having kids or too busy, so I just please myself most of the time, take myself for coffee etc.
Edited by Quattr04. on Tuesday 28th January 22:02
I think it's a bit of 'luck-of-the-draw' depending on where you live.
This group often arranges events near me
https://www.meetup.com/southampton-shenanigans/
The organisers seem to do a good job of putting on a wide variety of events (e.g. attend parkrun, axe throwing, nature walks, go for pizza, nights out etc.) and as a result they seem to get a wide varirty of people from all ages showing up.
This group often arranges events near me
https://www.meetup.com/southampton-shenanigans/
The organisers seem to do a good job of putting on a wide variety of events (e.g. attend parkrun, axe throwing, nature walks, go for pizza, nights out etc.) and as a result they seem to get a wide varirty of people from all ages showing up.
Scabutz said:
Good example, guy I coach with, get on great, his really nice. I am sure if I messaged him and said fancy a beer he would say yes, but I dont, because I think, he has younger kids than me, has a busy job and has to travel while WFH etc etc and so I dont do it.
We've moved a lot, including abroad, so often find that we are starting again with making friends. Just ask. He may well be grateful for the opportunity and will fit it into his time if he can. If he's not he'll just say no. No harm in asking.Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff