What am I doing wrong?

[hmmnotsure]

I’m looking for a bit of a sanity check here. Been together nearly 5 years and around 50.

We have a decent relationship but she has taken some getting used to as quite ocd around the house and it drives me to distraction in the early days but I have learnt to compromise and understand than that’s how she is. Cleaning, show home daily 24/7 basically and spends an hour or so every night making the kitchen look new even though it’s clean but she is happy so I let her carry on even though it seems unnecessary I appreciate to her it’s important.
But sometimes we argue, I know most people do but she makes me feel very small! Basically, if it’s to do with the house she has to be involved 100% or it’s wrong, think light up, picture on wall etc. Anytime, I take the initiative then it’s wrong, to me it shows lack of trust.

She gave me specific instructions today to put a picture on the wall today and I did it, she said which wall in a kids room and basically where for it to go , guess what, she would have put it an inch lower.

Can she let it go? Nope.

It seems petty to me, but she makes a big deal about not waiting for her to do it together but she gave me specific instructions. If she had said put it up in the kids room without saying where I would have involved her, but it was clear exactly where she wanted it, or so I thought.

I feel like I am not good enough for her when this happens, she makes me feel like a failure but I can’t help feeling that way. It seems petty but basically it feels like if it’s to do with the house I have to be supervised. It’s not even a room we go in very often.

I feel belittled and like a school child when she does this as if I need supervision. She has no complaint with the workmanship but it’s all about saying exactly where she wants it and deciding.

I get it if the wall is 12 foot long etc but I literally had an inch to play with, it seems ridiculous.

Cut her some slack or am I right to feel st like I am not good enough?

[Hugo Stiglitz]

There's something else, something underlining for you to take the steps to post.

What else is going on?

[Cheese on Toast with Worcestershire Sauce]

Have you told her how you feel?

[fourstardan]

Might be some anxiety around it? She's keen to impress people..(that don't exist but do in her head).

Or maybe its early life trauma or exposure to similar stuff?

Whats she like with cars...I could do with my having a good clean!

[dave_s13]

Tell her to fk off?

[njw1]

Cheese on Toast with Worcestershire Sauce said:

Have you told her how you feel?

^^This, or you could remind her it's your house too..

...Or give her the tools and tell her to crack on.

[njw1]

njw1 said:

Cheese on Toast with Worcestershire Sauce said:

Have you told her how you feel?

^^This, or you could remind her it's your house too..

...Or give her the tools and tell her to crack on.

Actually, that's just reminded me of something my grandfather (who was quite old school to put it mildly!) said to me when I was about 18 and having woman trouble;

'Man up and stop taking her st!'

[hmmnotsure]

There isn’t anything else going on but it seems it all centres around how house proud she is, she is always well dressed and the house is like a show home ( some people would love that).

I have talked to her tonight, we had a row about what happened and I told her how I felt, how she makes me feel like a little kid who can’t be trusted to do anything even when she’s given specific instructions. I also said that it feels like she doesn’t trust me to do anything around the house even though my handyman skills are pretty good. It’s all about the positioning and having the final say. We are both divorced and are 50-50 on the house and she likes to remind me of that that she has to have her opinion, but it’s beyond reasonable.


As far as her car goes it gets cleaned about every six months so it’s not consistent. She isn’t fussed about me getting a new car, even for her and leaves me to book holidays and even though we share the cost she is much more relaxed about that but being at home it’s quite tiresome.

[gotoPzero]

OCD can be a tough one, but if its just very specific then I would say learn to adapt and go with it.

Also be aware that these traits often only come out when there are other factors, so its possible she maybe stressed about something else, family, work, health etc.

I feel your pain though.

[Cheese on Toast with Worcestershire Sauce]

What's the rest of the relationship like? Easy to hyperfocus on one area in a stressful moment.

[MB140]

If she wasn’t like this when you met 5 years ago (which I’m assuming it wasn’t or you wouldn’t be with her five years later) then what’s caused the change.

Quick thought. Is she similar age to you. Could she be going through the change. Does fking awful things to women and their mental health and thinking.

My wife thinks she is entering perimenopause. I’m not looking forward to the ride but well she’s a first class wife who I love more than anything in the world. My plan is just to be supportive and accept it’s not her it’s her hormones.

[StevieBee]

Hugo Stiglitz said:

There's something else, something underlining for you to take the steps to post.

I'm inclined to agree with this.

Some of what you described are not particularly unusual but the intensity of application suggests to me that there's a root cause or trigger. OCD is rarely a naturally occurring phenomenon. It is a reaction to something that has happened to the sufferer, normally over a long period of time. This doesn't necessarily mean something overtly bad.

How much do you know of her past?

[hmmnotsure]

Cheese on Toast with Worcestershire Sauce said:

What's the rest of the relationship like? Easy to hyperfocus on one area in a stressful moment.

It’s all good to be honest, it’s just this issue surrounding the decisions in our house that she changes.

She was like this when I met her but it was less obvious as we didn’t live together until 2 years ago but at her old house she was the same with the kitchen etc but I just thought she was house proud but as soon as I started living with her it was obsessive and this 50/50 on the house thing is becoming ridiculous.

She is similar age to me so whilst the change could be relevant the behaviour has been there for 5 years.

She is stubborn and quite selfish when this happens so I doubt she’ll apologise for making me feel like this but just stick to her guns that I did it wrong.

I have told her she is being unreasonable and I am not moving the picture.

At the moment, I am just tempted to say to her if she wants anything done around the house diy wise , going forward to do it herself or she can pay someone to do it.

Edited by hmmnotsure on Tuesday 21st January 21:36

[gotoPzero]

hmmnotsure said:

At the moment, I am just tempted to say to her if she wants anything done around the house diy wise , going forward to do it herself or she can pay someone to do it.

Edited by hmmnotsure on Tuesday 21st January 21:36

Whilst tempting to say that I would not go down that route. Its way too confrontational.

Have a read of this

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-rec...

[Pincher]

Menopause?

[dave123456]

If you are honest does she have a point about the picture position? For example did she want it absolutely bang in the middle of a wall and you have got it a bit out? I’m a perfectionist and my partner is a very ‘it’ll do’ type of person, which infuriates me.

Another potential is are you giving her grief about something? My partner gets herself in a ridiculous grump if I burp for example (which is not particularly frequent or loud) but thinks leaving inside out clothes lying everywhere is acceptable; now I know which of those I find more slovenly, but I just let it wash over me.

[jules_s]

Not too much different to here.

We both like everything 'just so' - the difference being I like things minimal, but she's the opposite.

The house is her domain so everything (and I mean everything) comes with a battle of wills,

I've learned to accept/love her POV tbh.

As for the DIY bit - absolutely the same, I just get everything agreed/nailed down 100% before starting...

[shirt]

StevieBee said:

Hugo Stiglitz said:

There's something else, something underlining for you to take the steps to post.

I'm inclined to agree with this.

Some of what you described are not particularly unusual but the intensity of application suggests to me that there's a root cause or trigger. OCD is rarely a naturally occurring phenomenon. It is a reaction to something that has happened to the sufferer, normally over a long period of time. This doesn't necessarily mean something overtly bad.

How much do you know of her past?

I also agree. These kinds of behaviours are rarely about, for example, her not trusting you. It’s baked in from a time long ago and your action is merely the trigger. It’ll be something she is well aware of and feel shame and defensive about.

Hence discussing it without argument is quite another matter.

[Timothy Bucktu]

So let me get this right...she does everything for you to perfection, and you don't generally need to do anything apart from something else while she cleans the house...and you're complaining?
Having said that...you deffo need a Man cave. There's a reason they're called Man caves and there's a reason Men need them - it's your space, no Women allowed.

[hmmnotsure]

gotoPzero said:

Whilst tempting to say that I would not go down that route. Its way too confrontational.

Have a read of this

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-rec...

Interesting read, thanks. We definitely don’t leave stage 1.