Anyone have a bad childhood or dislike their parents?
Discussion
Hello everyone, I've been struggling with various levels of upset over the years and one thing that has become more apparent is that my upbringing wasn't quite right.
The beatings for example, and not the fun kind.
The inquisitions as to what I was doing, where I had been.
The general lack of support, yet with a weirdly overpowering "we love you" sentiment.
Truth be told I think they meant well, yet it wasn't much fun for me although I never starved for food, I was hungry for affection and support.
Luckily I escaped and have had a few decades trying to straighten out. Mostly successfully, but scars remain.
I wonder if I could have done better? i won't know cos I elected to have the snip before finding out.
Anyone else haunted by childhood trauma? How has it affected you, and how have you coped? are your SO's ok about it, and you? Do you still feel upset about it?
The beatings for example, and not the fun kind.
The inquisitions as to what I was doing, where I had been.
The general lack of support, yet with a weirdly overpowering "we love you" sentiment.
Truth be told I think they meant well, yet it wasn't much fun for me although I never starved for food, I was hungry for affection and support.
Luckily I escaped and have had a few decades trying to straighten out. Mostly successfully, but scars remain.
I wonder if I could have done better? i won't know cos I elected to have the snip before finding out.
Anyone else haunted by childhood trauma? How has it affected you, and how have you coped? are your SO's ok about it, and you? Do you still feel upset about it?
Pretty awful. I was adopted and hugely sensitive.
I must have been in the last of the pre-contraceptive pill "baby boom", when demand <--> supply meant that they'd give a kid to anyone with a pulse? She has had poor mental health all her life - or possibly dating from falling off a Lambretta in the 60s and fracturing her skull - and did try her best, but wasn't stable enough really.
On the plus side I developed the skills to be really really good at dealing with angry / upset / irrational people!
I must have been in the last of the pre-contraceptive pill "baby boom", when demand <--> supply meant that they'd give a kid to anyone with a pulse? She has had poor mental health all her life - or possibly dating from falling off a Lambretta in the 60s and fracturing her skull - and did try her best, but wasn't stable enough really.
On the plus side I developed the skills to be really really good at dealing with angry / upset / irrational people!
I listened to a podcast the other day where the guest said (paraphrasing) "to move on in life, you have to learn to forgive your parents"
Initial thought was, they did a pretty good job, not sure I have anything to forgive them for. I was disciplined obviously, but I never got told not to take drugs or anything (I just didn't get into them) I wasn't beaten. They were pretty liberal with me going out for hours on my own. We didnt have the money, so I never went on the foreign school trips. And I remember at high school the teacher mentioned piano lessons. But at £7.50 a week it was a non starter! (Funny the things you remember)
But overall, we did OK
Thought about it some more. What have my parents influenced in my world view?
I would suggest that the way my Mum is had affected my views of women in relationships. She never cheated afaik, she does have an an air of entitlement and laziness. And expects my Dad to do most things for her. Eg Even though she could have gone back to work after myself and my sibling were born, she never did. And its not like the house was spotless whilst she was at home alone watching TV and occasionally loading the washing machine. I think that has led to me viewing relationships as "uneven" and not really beneficial to a guy who can manage on his own.
My Dad is incredibly careful around money. I can vividly remember him writing down in a notebook everything he spent at the end of each day. We inevitably were the poorer family on the street. And I've definitely inherited a tightness around money. I'm a big saver! More than any of my friends!
I still see them both regularly. I don't hate them or anything.
I don't know that I will ever be less tight with money, or view any relationship healthily. I have been single for the vast majority of my life. And now in my mid 40s, I doubt I can change fundamental hard wired points in my brain
c'est le vie
Initial thought was, they did a pretty good job, not sure I have anything to forgive them for. I was disciplined obviously, but I never got told not to take drugs or anything (I just didn't get into them) I wasn't beaten. They were pretty liberal with me going out for hours on my own. We didnt have the money, so I never went on the foreign school trips. And I remember at high school the teacher mentioned piano lessons. But at £7.50 a week it was a non starter! (Funny the things you remember)
But overall, we did OK
Thought about it some more. What have my parents influenced in my world view?
I would suggest that the way my Mum is had affected my views of women in relationships. She never cheated afaik, she does have an an air of entitlement and laziness. And expects my Dad to do most things for her. Eg Even though she could have gone back to work after myself and my sibling were born, she never did. And its not like the house was spotless whilst she was at home alone watching TV and occasionally loading the washing machine. I think that has led to me viewing relationships as "uneven" and not really beneficial to a guy who can manage on his own.
My Dad is incredibly careful around money. I can vividly remember him writing down in a notebook everything he spent at the end of each day. We inevitably were the poorer family on the street. And I've definitely inherited a tightness around money. I'm a big saver! More than any of my friends!
I still see them both regularly. I don't hate them or anything.
I don't know that I will ever be less tight with money, or view any relationship healthily. I have been single for the vast majority of my life. And now in my mid 40s, I doubt I can change fundamental hard wired points in my brain
c'est le vie
Father was a gambler, never had time for my sister and I, when he was at home or travelling he was always in a bad tempered mood, shouted at everyone. Never had money for the basics of life including my shoes and clothes. Mother wasn't much better, shop lifted because father didn't give her money, had men in the house, she meant well but was from a different generation and didn't know how to deal with life. It is why I am very anti-gambling now, it is a disease that can destroy lives.
Both my older sister and I have been negatively affected by parents, they were toxic for each other and I cannot remember a happy day. I should have left home and gone into care before I was 10, I did leave home as soon as I could and went to live in China, I came back for fathers funeral without an ounce of emotion.
I pray now that he is rotting in a Hell of his own making.
Both my older sister and I have been negatively affected by parents, they were toxic for each other and I cannot remember a happy day. I should have left home and gone into care before I was 10, I did leave home as soon as I could and went to live in China, I came back for fathers funeral without an ounce of emotion.
I pray now that he is rotting in a Hell of his own making.
Edited by K87 on Monday 13th January 16:04
Larkin hit the nail on the head:
https://genius.com/Philip-larkin-this-be-the-verse...
(no reflection on the posts here, to be clear)
https://genius.com/Philip-larkin-this-be-the-verse...
(no reflection on the posts here, to be clear)
I think you will always find some scar tissue in parental upbringing.
One of mine taking its toll is treatment between siblings, I come from two opposites, mum from a large family of siblings but my dad was the only child and I think he struggled to explain the concept of sharing to us, we worked it out but now it's evidently clear, my brother does fk all at Christmas for gifts, all arrangements are to suit him around events that we do, but my parents have run around for him and his kids for years without any regard for the fact what my side does most the time.
Also taking its toll is selfishness of my dad, I can tolerate a lot of it but around this time of year it shows true colours, basically doing chaff all all Christmas, minor things like not caring he's just scoffed most the tin of chocolates, only getting himself a drink etc.
At the end of the day they aint got long left so I struggle with this at the moment.
One of mine taking its toll is treatment between siblings, I come from two opposites, mum from a large family of siblings but my dad was the only child and I think he struggled to explain the concept of sharing to us, we worked it out but now it's evidently clear, my brother does fk all at Christmas for gifts, all arrangements are to suit him around events that we do, but my parents have run around for him and his kids for years without any regard for the fact what my side does most the time.
Also taking its toll is selfishness of my dad, I can tolerate a lot of it but around this time of year it shows true colours, basically doing chaff all all Christmas, minor things like not caring he's just scoffed most the tin of chocolates, only getting himself a drink etc.
At the end of the day they aint got long left so I struggle with this at the moment.
Fairly difficult childhood, earliest memory was getting a beating to "teach me not to lie". My crime, at the age of about 5, was saying Mum hadn't brushed my hair, when he knew she had. Mainly because I was already so terrified of him, I said the first thing that came into my head. So he beat me in front of my older siblings, didn't teach me not to lie, but did mean I no longer trusted anyone and barely said a word unless I had to for the next 15 years.
He was fairly sadistic, but only to me not my siblings, I wish I had been able to ask him why before he died. Still don't have a great relationship with my brother and sisters. It took a fair bit of counselling to learn to deal with it. Shame we don't get to pick our families.
He was fairly sadistic, but only to me not my siblings, I wish I had been able to ask him why before he died. Still don't have a great relationship with my brother and sisters. It took a fair bit of counselling to learn to deal with it. Shame we don't get to pick our families.
HertsBiker said:
Hello everyone, I've been struggling with various levels of upset over the years and one thing that has become more apparent is that my upbringing wasn't quite right.
The beatings for example, and not the fun kind.
The inquisitions as to what I was doing, where I had been.
The general lack of support, yet with a weirdly overpowering "we love you" sentiment.
Truth be told I think they meant well, yet it wasn't much fun for me although I never starved for food, I was hungry for affection and support.
Luckily I escaped and have had a few decades trying to straighten out. Mostly successfully, but scars remain.
I wonder if I could have done better? i won't know cos I elected to have the snip before finding out.
Anyone else haunted by childhood trauma? How has it affected you, and how have you coped? are your SO's ok about it, and you? Do you still feel upset about it?
It was only fairly recently that I had an epiphany that not all kids were smacked and slapped even back in the 80's.The beatings for example, and not the fun kind.
The inquisitions as to what I was doing, where I had been.
The general lack of support, yet with a weirdly overpowering "we love you" sentiment.
Truth be told I think they meant well, yet it wasn't much fun for me although I never starved for food, I was hungry for affection and support.
Luckily I escaped and have had a few decades trying to straighten out. Mostly successfully, but scars remain.
I wonder if I could have done better? i won't know cos I elected to have the snip before finding out.
Anyone else haunted by childhood trauma? How has it affected you, and how have you coped? are your SO's ok about it, and you? Do you still feel upset about it?
It definitely didn't occur to me at the time.
Sadly mine wasn't great because of my awful biological mother. It's had a profound impact on my entire life and whilst I'm happier now, there was a long time where I wasn't and sometimes it creeps up on me.
Says it all that myself and my siblings never ever see her (not had regular contact for over 30 years) and she's not met any of the grandchildren and never will.
Says it all that myself and my siblings never ever see her (not had regular contact for over 30 years) and she's not met any of the grandchildren and never will.
My Step'father' used to hit us, but rarely chastised 'his' daughters, our stepsisters. He properly beat up my brother when he was 15 or 16! He did stop hitting me when I was12 or 13, I think because I told my mum I'd cut his throat when he came back drunk from the pub. Which he did most nights as he played in local darts leagues, then fall into a drunken sleep, after turning the tv over and taking control of the remote! We'd hear him fumbling with his keys and turn the tv over before he got in, so he'd immediately turn it back to the side we were watching then fall asleep 
He divorced my mum when she had a few strokes, then tried to sell the house and get away with giving her just £10k out of the proceeds. I got his accounts frozen but it took me months to get the t
t into court. He signed over her half the morning the case was due to start, actually in the Court building! He died a few years ago, cancer! I didn't go to the funeral, they wouldn't let me piss on his grave!
He divorced my mum when she had a few strokes, then tried to sell the house and get away with giving her just £10k out of the proceeds. I got his accounts frozen but it took me months to get the t
t into court. He signed over her half the morning the case was due to start, actually in the Court building! He died a few years ago, cancer! I didn't go to the funeral, they wouldn't let me piss on his grave! Sheets Tabuer said:
My mother beat me with a cricket bat, beat me so hard with a wooden tennis racquet it broke over my back, stabbed me in the hand with a knife when I reached for a bit of chocolate that fell out of the mixing bowl as she was making cakes.
Oh how we laugh about it now.
You can laugh about this?Oh how we laugh about it now.
I'd be thinking how much time I'd be doing .....!!!
You are definitely made of sterner stuff than me.
Sheets Tabuer said:
Said with a sardonic smile, she often wonders why i don't visit.
But let us not be ruled by our history, I have experienced much worse in life and if I spent all my time looking back at the bad bits I'd probably miss the best of life around me.
Absolutely agree. This is a strong message for all of us .As an older chap I can look back and blame my failings on my dad ,and his troubled parenting of me , and I can listen to my kids ,who sometimes tell me how bad bits of their childhood has effected them.But let us not be ruled by our history, I have experienced much worse in life and if I spent all my time looking back at the bad bits I'd probably miss the best of life around me.
Or I can remember the good bits of my childhood and the great bits of my kids childhood. I can also think about the good bits today and in the future . I am not one to wallow in the past , it's about looking forward .
In truth few of us can really say we had a bad childhood. What about a kid today in Ukraine or Gaza or many other examples.
It's different for us all and I am passing no judgement on the OP or other contributions who want to say they had a bad and damaging childhood. However don't let it control your life or be your Identity. If you can avoid it .
I’ve kept the peace for a long time, but as I’ve got older I’ve come to the realisation my mother is very manipulative person, constantly claiming the moral high ground. The reality, her behaviour would not stand up to even scantest of scrutiny, being responsible other peoples failed marriages.
Aged around ten, on the return journey from a holiday in Scotland, she suddenly announced ‘Your life has been far too easy, from now on it’s going to change’ TBF she kept her word, becoming the most unpleasant person.
Nothing physical, just a very manipulative and spiteful.
As the appointment with the end gets ever closer, there’s a good bit of baggage she needs clearing, I got used to the ‘what would you do?’ in the imaginary situation, when seeking forgiveness, obviously would I prefer honesty.
A couple of years ago the imaginary scenario cropped up “When I was on holiday as a child ………..” I said nothing; she can take that one with her!
Aged around ten, on the return journey from a holiday in Scotland, she suddenly announced ‘Your life has been far too easy, from now on it’s going to change’ TBF she kept her word, becoming the most unpleasant person.
Nothing physical, just a very manipulative and spiteful.
As the appointment with the end gets ever closer, there’s a good bit of baggage she needs clearing, I got used to the ‘what would you do?’ in the imaginary situation, when seeking forgiveness, obviously would I prefer honesty.
A couple of years ago the imaginary scenario cropped up “When I was on holiday as a child ………..” I said nothing; she can take that one with her!
I had a crap childhood, brought up by my grandparents, but I tend to take the "I used to feel sad that I had no shoes, until I met the bloke with no feet" approach.
I wasn't sexually abused, viciously beaten and never had cigarettes stubbed out on me. And neither were alcoholics or gamblers. So when I see these cases in the news, I tend to think things could have been a lot worse.
All my unhappiness was caused by non violent methods, like giving my much loved cat away because it stopped producing kittens that could be sold to the pet shop, and it was costing too much to feed for no return.
I don't think it has too much effect on me. I'm pretty resilient mentally and was able to just leave it all behind and move on as an adult. It had a much greater effect on my grandparent's 3 kids, including my mother, who were also raised appallingly and now in their 80s, are all messed up in their own ways.
I wasn't sexually abused, viciously beaten and never had cigarettes stubbed out on me. And neither were alcoholics or gamblers. So when I see these cases in the news, I tend to think things could have been a lot worse.
All my unhappiness was caused by non violent methods, like giving my much loved cat away because it stopped producing kittens that could be sold to the pet shop, and it was costing too much to feed for no return.
I don't think it has too much effect on me. I'm pretty resilient mentally and was able to just leave it all behind and move on as an adult. It had a much greater effect on my grandparent's 3 kids, including my mother, who were also raised appallingly and now in their 80s, are all messed up in their own ways.
This is something that I have been giving a lot of thought to recently.
I grew up in the late 90s/early 2000s as one of four children with a single mum who would work hard during the week, 5 or 6 days a week 8-6 usually but then liked to party at the weekend. As such we had to be very self sufficient as kids, cooking dinner, tidying the house, walking the dogs etc. I am the second oldest but as the "man of the house" ended up having to do a lot of DIY and housework from a very young age. By 10 years old I was mowing lawns and doing gardening jobs for half the street when none of my friends needed to work. By 15 I had built fences, plastered walls, laid carpets, and changed electrical fixings where I had no real knowledge of the dangers. We lived in an old 60s council house so there was always something to be done and I had been "trained" to have a go at any job.
We were always loved but there was never much money to go around. There was always food in the house but the only way to afford any luxuries (new clothes, trainers etc.) were to work for them myself.
It wasn't a bad childhood but on reflection I think I spent far too much of my early teenage years raising myself. There was simultaneously both too much freedom and also too much responsibility. I was drinking in the park or at house parties with my mates by 13 years old and I can't imagine letting my kids do the same thing when they are that age.
By 16 I had basically moved in with my girlfriend who was from a very traditional nuclear family. I would rarely go "home" as I found it to be so chaotic and if I was home then there would be so much expected of me. Any conversation I would have with my parents would descend into an argument as I was being treated far older than my years and not being allowed to be a child.
At 18 I rented my first house and haven't really been home since.
I now have two sons of my own and my parents have no contact with them. I still see my siblings who have a very loving relationship with my parents but I have no connection to them. I still live in the same relatively small town as both my parents and see them from time to time but I have no desire to pursue a relationship with them.
Ultimately I find it difficult to square my childhood. I know that I had a much better childhood than so many people. I was loved and never really beaten or abused but I also missed out on a lot of the things that my friends (and now my own kids) take for granted. Holidays and days out at the weekend were not really a thing for me growing up. If I wanted "nice" clothes or trainers then I had to work to earn the money to pay for these things myself, nothing was given. My childhood was nothing compared to the stories that you hear of kids growing up in the 60s or 70s, I was never really cold or hungry and I would get the odd slap but was never really beaten. But relative to my peers I think I missed out on a lot and I am determined to make sure that my kids don't feel the same way when they are grown.
I grew up in the late 90s/early 2000s as one of four children with a single mum who would work hard during the week, 5 or 6 days a week 8-6 usually but then liked to party at the weekend. As such we had to be very self sufficient as kids, cooking dinner, tidying the house, walking the dogs etc. I am the second oldest but as the "man of the house" ended up having to do a lot of DIY and housework from a very young age. By 10 years old I was mowing lawns and doing gardening jobs for half the street when none of my friends needed to work. By 15 I had built fences, plastered walls, laid carpets, and changed electrical fixings where I had no real knowledge of the dangers. We lived in an old 60s council house so there was always something to be done and I had been "trained" to have a go at any job.
We were always loved but there was never much money to go around. There was always food in the house but the only way to afford any luxuries (new clothes, trainers etc.) were to work for them myself.
It wasn't a bad childhood but on reflection I think I spent far too much of my early teenage years raising myself. There was simultaneously both too much freedom and also too much responsibility. I was drinking in the park or at house parties with my mates by 13 years old and I can't imagine letting my kids do the same thing when they are that age.
By 16 I had basically moved in with my girlfriend who was from a very traditional nuclear family. I would rarely go "home" as I found it to be so chaotic and if I was home then there would be so much expected of me. Any conversation I would have with my parents would descend into an argument as I was being treated far older than my years and not being allowed to be a child.
At 18 I rented my first house and haven't really been home since.
I now have two sons of my own and my parents have no contact with them. I still see my siblings who have a very loving relationship with my parents but I have no connection to them. I still live in the same relatively small town as both my parents and see them from time to time but I have no desire to pursue a relationship with them.
Ultimately I find it difficult to square my childhood. I know that I had a much better childhood than so many people. I was loved and never really beaten or abused but I also missed out on a lot of the things that my friends (and now my own kids) take for granted. Holidays and days out at the weekend were not really a thing for me growing up. If I wanted "nice" clothes or trainers then I had to work to earn the money to pay for these things myself, nothing was given. My childhood was nothing compared to the stories that you hear of kids growing up in the 60s or 70s, I was never really cold or hungry and I would get the odd slap but was never really beaten. But relative to my peers I think I missed out on a lot and I am determined to make sure that my kids don't feel the same way when they are grown.
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