Preparing for the death of parents
Discussion
I know to some this may come across as slightly self indulgent, for which I apologise, I know a lot of people lose loved ones with no warning and just have to get on with it.
I have searched for resources, and can't find any online, which I find really strange, lots of info on dealing with grief after death, but none on preparing yourself, fixing the stuff you might not have thought of and coming to terms with the inevitable.
I am fortunate to still have my parents, as has my wife, at the age of 50 we have obviously lost our grandparents, but whilst we both found it traumatic, we were young and just got on with our lives.
(Carrying my grandfathers coffin I sobbed uncontrollably)
We are both very emotional people, and I know we are not in any way facing up to what is coming.
I have a re-curring terror about having to deliver my father's eulogy - there's no way I could do it, it feels like I would be letting him down by not, but I'd be a mess in 15 seconds.
I know my wife will lean on me when her father dies, and I'll be useless. My best mate will do the same when his father dies. When my one of parents die, I don't feel I'll be in the best place to be supportive of the other one.
The three of us have spoken before about how unprepared we are and resolved to do something to prepare ourselves, but I am at a loss as to what to do.
Anybody got any resources, books, suggestions as to how to mentally prepare?
(all 6 parents are 75-90, all with no immediate issues, so we have some time)
Thanks, Ben.
I have searched for resources, and can't find any online, which I find really strange, lots of info on dealing with grief after death, but none on preparing yourself, fixing the stuff you might not have thought of and coming to terms with the inevitable.
I am fortunate to still have my parents, as has my wife, at the age of 50 we have obviously lost our grandparents, but whilst we both found it traumatic, we were young and just got on with our lives.
(Carrying my grandfathers coffin I sobbed uncontrollably)
We are both very emotional people, and I know we are not in any way facing up to what is coming.
I have a re-curring terror about having to deliver my father's eulogy - there's no way I could do it, it feels like I would be letting him down by not, but I'd be a mess in 15 seconds.
I know my wife will lean on me when her father dies, and I'll be useless. My best mate will do the same when his father dies. When my one of parents die, I don't feel I'll be in the best place to be supportive of the other one.
The three of us have spoken before about how unprepared we are and resolved to do something to prepare ourselves, but I am at a loss as to what to do.
Anybody got any resources, books, suggestions as to how to mentally prepare?
(all 6 parents are 75-90, all with no immediate issues, so we have some time)
Thanks, Ben.
It’s painful , I recently attended my bil funeral , to see his two strapping 6 ft 4/6 sons break down trying to speak of there dad, did have my eyes filling with tears, his boss was the same , he wasn’t my employee he was my freind , I’ll miss him so much , he struggled to get through the speech .
Then reality hits home you’ll never see them again .
My dad died 40 yrs ago , brother 10 and there not a day when I don’t think about them .
All you can do is make sure they know how loved they are when there with us .
Then reality hits home you’ll never see them again .
My dad died 40 yrs ago , brother 10 and there not a day when I don’t think about them .
All you can do is make sure they know how loved they are when there with us .
I'm not sure that it matters too much if you/others break down at the time.
You can try to prepare for the inevitable - and rehearse what you'd love to say etc - but most of those attending will know you/family and are there to be 100% supportive through it all.
You could also express your concerns to the undertakers and those who will be in charge on the day so that they are prepared to take over if necessary.
You can try to prepare for the inevitable - and rehearse what you'd love to say etc - but most of those attending will know you/family and are there to be 100% supportive through it all.
You could also express your concerns to the undertakers and those who will be in charge on the day so that they are prepared to take over if necessary.
Its not a nice topic to bring up with your parents.
If you can.
Get them to write out their funeral wishes
Put their birth certificates/important documentation somewhere you know about too.
Put down names and addresses of realatives who need contacted etc.
It sounds crass but basiscally assemble a death folder that you all know where it is and have access to should the worst happen.
Its one less thing to worry about.
If you can.
Get them to write out their funeral wishes
Put their birth certificates/important documentation somewhere you know about too.
Put down names and addresses of realatives who need contacted etc.
It sounds crass but basiscally assemble a death folder that you all know where it is and have access to should the worst happen.
Its one less thing to worry about.
A lot of it will depend on timing, For example if your parents live long but eventually succumb to dementia, death can be seen as a blessing. you will have already grieved for them while they were alive. On that basis you can't really think about how you will react.
I lost my father 25 years ago and I was just numb at the time. My mother is still with us, fit and healthy. My MiL and FiL both passed in the last couple of years and certainly both my wife and I feel that the time was right. MiL had dementia, FiL had the start of it and was beginning to lose his dignity. We both take comfort that we did what we could for them.
I lost my father 25 years ago and I was just numb at the time. My mother is still with us, fit and healthy. My MiL and FiL both passed in the last couple of years and certainly both my wife and I feel that the time was right. MiL had dementia, FiL had the start of it and was beginning to lose his dignity. We both take comfort that we did what we could for them.
BenjiA said:
The three of us have spoken before about how unprepared we are and resolved to do something to prepare ourselves, but I am at a loss as to what to do.
I would suggest the recognition and acceptance of the inevitable is all the preparedness you need. There is nothing you can do in advance to remove or lessen the emotional stress when they do go. And there is risk that attempting to do so could consume your lives.
Keep in mind that the 90 year old could have another 10 years. The 75 year old; another quarter century is not off the table. Celebrate and enjoy the fact that they are still alive and focus your emotion and energy on being part of one another's lives rather than thinking too much about being part of their deaths. That will sort itself out when the time comes.
I couldn't read my eulogy for my dad, my wife did it for me. We didn't do one for my mum, long story!
On a practical point I would recommend (if you haven't already) getting your parents to apply for power of attorney for health and financial matters for you, and getting their Wills done. Can help enormously.
I know from a security POV that you're not supposed to write down login/password details but my mum had done this for everything and when she suddenly passed it was a godsend to help my step dad out. We were stll using it when he went 14 months later.
On a practical point I would recommend (if you haven't already) getting your parents to apply for power of attorney for health and financial matters for you, and getting their Wills done. Can help enormously.
I know from a security POV that you're not supposed to write down login/password details but my mum had done this for everything and when she suddenly passed it was a godsend to help my step dad out. We were stll using it when he went 14 months later.
I did my mum's eulogy recently. She had no family other than myself and her husband passed away less than a year before.
Church was absolutely mobbed as she was involved in so many things.
I was in absolute bits, but I took my time. I'm glad I did it.
Life = life and death; it's our cycle and I believe we are to an extent programmed for it.
Funerals are for an outpouring of grief so it's OK to be however you need to be.
Church was absolutely mobbed as she was involved in so many things.
I was in absolute bits, but I took my time. I'm glad I did it.
Life = life and death; it's our cycle and I believe we are to an extent programmed for it.
Funerals are for an outpouring of grief so it's OK to be however you need to be.
A good funeral directors would sort you out, I too couldn't deliver the eulogy but as neither of my parents were religious we had a non-religious service at the crematorium. We had written down some details and the person conducting the service constructed a good eulogy from the info we provided and all this was arranged through the funeral directors. It was fortunate (wrong term but you know what I mean) my parents died quite close together with my mother dying first from cancer in the December and my father from dementia and sepsis in the January so after my mother died getting my fathers funeral arranged was very straight forward as we done it all the month before.
Definitely a difficult subject to have to think about, but it is a very good idea to accept the likelihood that you will outlive your parents and will need to be prepared.
One big piece of advice I’d give you if you is that you may not ‘lose’ them suddenly. More likely they will go into a longer period of decline, both phyically and mentally, where they may not be able to care for themselves. This being the case, it is incredibly useful to make sure you have Lasting Powers of Attorney (LPA) in place for them both. LPAs allow you to take control over parts of their lives (there are separate LPAs for Health & Welfare and Finance) when they are not in a position to do so.
My Mother in Law suffers from dementia and had to go into care. Having the LPAs already in place made a very stressful time a little easier to manage as my wife could make decisions on her behalf, as well as taking over her finances to manage.
It costs a couple of hundred quid,and takes 3-4 months to register so I’d make that an absolute priority with them. They sit in the background until you need them - they can remain in full control until they don’t have the capacity to continue.
I discussed with my mum (I lost my dad a few years ago) and we now have the LPAs sitting in the background.
One big piece of advice I’d give you if you is that you may not ‘lose’ them suddenly. More likely they will go into a longer period of decline, both phyically and mentally, where they may not be able to care for themselves. This being the case, it is incredibly useful to make sure you have Lasting Powers of Attorney (LPA) in place for them both. LPAs allow you to take control over parts of their lives (there are separate LPAs for Health & Welfare and Finance) when they are not in a position to do so.
My Mother in Law suffers from dementia and had to go into care. Having the LPAs already in place made a very stressful time a little easier to manage as my wife could make decisions on her behalf, as well as taking over her finances to manage.
It costs a couple of hundred quid,and takes 3-4 months to register so I’d make that an absolute priority with them. They sit in the background until you need them - they can remain in full control until they don’t have the capacity to continue.
I discussed with my mum (I lost my dad a few years ago) and we now have the LPAs sitting in the background.
Edited by 595Heaven on Wednesday 8th January 09:24
There is a limited amount that you can do to prepare.
Have you spoken to your parents to ask them what sort of service they want/don't want?
They might last for years, they might go tomorrow.
Ask your parents all those questions that have been in your head, but have not got round to asking.
You don't have to do the eulogy - or whatever - yourself. Is there a family friend who would do it - if you don't want to employ a celebrant?
Have you spoken to your parents to ask them what sort of service they want/don't want?
They might last for years, they might go tomorrow.
Ask your parents all those questions that have been in your head, but have not got round to asking.
You don't have to do the eulogy - or whatever - yourself. Is there a family friend who would do it - if you don't want to employ a celebrant?
Edited by Alickadoo on Wednesday 8th January 09:22
sherman said:
Its not a nice topic to bring up with your parents.
If you can.
Get them to write out their funeral wishes
Put their birth certificates/important documentation somewhere you know about too.
Put down names and addresses of realatives who need contacted etc.
It sounds crass but basically assemble a death folder that you all know where it is and have access to should the worst happen.
Its one less thing to worry about.
All of this & don't forgot where the folder is or brush it off with "don't worry you've got years left etc". We thought my father might have up to 5yrs after his cancer diagnosis when in fact he was gone in less than 5 months.If you can.
Get them to write out their funeral wishes
Put their birth certificates/important documentation somewhere you know about too.
Put down names and addresses of realatives who need contacted etc.
It sounds crass but basically assemble a death folder that you all know where it is and have access to should the worst happen.
Its one less thing to worry about.
Two perhaps slightly contradictory pieces of advice from my own experience.
Have some kind of plan for the stressful, slightly unreal, first few days, the 'death folder' idea is excellent,
But conversely, don't wear yourself out worrying about it. On one level you are already as prepared as you can be, you know it's 'when' not 'if' and 'when' may not be all that long. When it happens you will probably cope better than you expect. So enjoy your parents while they are around.
Jasey_ said:
There's no guarantee you will out live your parents.
Just make sure you enjoy having them around while you are all still alive.
Agree. Stop thinking about the future- what you can't control. Just make sure you enjoy having them around while you are all still alive.
I found out unexpectedly that both my parents had passed (at different times).
One, I was drinking in a bar in Soho. I just paused, then ordered another drink.
I almost went in a forest in August. I didn't realise at the time what was causing it!
Just live, enjoy being with them. When I go I've lived a life so I don't want my son upset when I go.
I'm 50 and lost my father in 2019 and my mother in 2020. In terms of dealing with the eulogy, here's my advice.
My brother and I are not religious and were offered a humanist service. Basically, a humanist invites you and selected family members to a meeting to discuss the deceased's life. They focus on everyone's positive memories of that person and try to paint a picture of them over the ages. My Aunties and Uncles gave an account and some great memories and stories of my parents growing up and my brother and I added to it with our timeline of stories and memories. During the funeral, the humanist does all of the talking meaning you don't have to deliver anything if you don't want to. When the inevitable happens, I'd recommend discussing this option with the funeral director and they will organise everything.
My brother and I are not religious and were offered a humanist service. Basically, a humanist invites you and selected family members to a meeting to discuss the deceased's life. They focus on everyone's positive memories of that person and try to paint a picture of them over the ages. My Aunties and Uncles gave an account and some great memories and stories of my parents growing up and my brother and I added to it with our timeline of stories and memories. During the funeral, the humanist does all of the talking meaning you don't have to deliver anything if you don't want to. When the inevitable happens, I'd recommend discussing this option with the funeral director and they will organise everything.
BenjiA said:
I have a re-curring terror about having to deliver my father's eulogy - there's no way I could do it, it feels like I would be letting him down by not, but I'd be a mess in 15 seconds.
Sorry to hear your concerns. I have lost my Dad to Alzheimer's and my mother-in-law to a stroke within 5 weeks of each other in the last couple of months. This is all very familiar to me. The above quote is something that jumps out at me. You personally do not have to deliver your father's eulogy.
We had this issue in my family. My twin brother felt he had to deliver a eulogy at our father's funeral. Why? Because his wife and our cousin had done so at their parent's funeral, it almost became a competitive act.
I love my twin and we get on famously, but we amicably disagreed on this aspect. He got up and said a few words during the service, I didn't, because I knew I would get emotional.
It's a personal decision, but my view is that there are people who are far more experienced (priests, funeral celebrants etc) who are not emotionally involved in any way who will deliver a far better eulogy on the day than you will, because they can focus on the words alone. That's why people have used them for decades. You don't have to be that bloke in Four Weddings And A Funeral, especially if you are anxious about things like this.
I wrote my father's eulogy, spent hours crafting it, it was totally from the heart and brought a lot of comfort to those present, but I let an experienced funeral celebrant deliver it, because she was frankly better at it than I could be. I just sat and laughed at the nice bits and cried at the sad bits.
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