Marriage ultimatum
Discussion
Looking for a reality check, alternative view.
Have been with my partner for 7 years, living together for the last 3. We have discussed marriage quite a few times since we got together and I always said we would need to live together before I proposed, having now lived together I am dragging my heels and she has said that if I dont propose in next 6 months she's leaving.
We're both mid 40's, work, similar wages, I make slightly more and pay in a couple of hundred more monthly to our joint account for bills however there is a considerable imbalance in assets due to my saving, investments and some inheritance, I have bought the house we live in 1M+, theres a smallish mortgage outstanding, I also have another property I rent out and have a share in a family business, she has about 50K in savings. Whenever the subject of marriage is brought up by her the reasoning is that I should want to marry her and share what I have, the house etc with her, to give her security and that it shows Im commited and yet the argument goes the route of im the one with the assets and more risk and this obviously doesnt end well. Every time she brings this up I shy away from wanting to propose to her, I think of all the things I love about her but cant get over the way she is trying to demand something from me.
She had leukaemia 5 and a half years ago which she has thankfully recovered from but supporting her through that doesnt seem to show suitable commitment. She has had early menopause as a sideaffect of the treatment and I dont know if these arguments are related to this or I am just being unfair to her and this is totally justified.
She suggested couples counselling and I agreed but so far she hasn't taken me up on it.
Have been with my partner for 7 years, living together for the last 3. We have discussed marriage quite a few times since we got together and I always said we would need to live together before I proposed, having now lived together I am dragging my heels and she has said that if I dont propose in next 6 months she's leaving.
We're both mid 40's, work, similar wages, I make slightly more and pay in a couple of hundred more monthly to our joint account for bills however there is a considerable imbalance in assets due to my saving, investments and some inheritance, I have bought the house we live in 1M+, theres a smallish mortgage outstanding, I also have another property I rent out and have a share in a family business, she has about 50K in savings. Whenever the subject of marriage is brought up by her the reasoning is that I should want to marry her and share what I have, the house etc with her, to give her security and that it shows Im commited and yet the argument goes the route of im the one with the assets and more risk and this obviously doesnt end well. Every time she brings this up I shy away from wanting to propose to her, I think of all the things I love about her but cant get over the way she is trying to demand something from me.
She had leukaemia 5 and a half years ago which she has thankfully recovered from but supporting her through that doesnt seem to show suitable commitment. She has had early menopause as a sideaffect of the treatment and I dont know if these arguments are related to this or I am just being unfair to her and this is totally justified.
She suggested couples counselling and I agreed but so far she hasn't taken me up on it.
k off, she can.I’ve always made it very clear, right from the start of any relationships, that marriage is never on the cards. It saves a massive ballache in the long run. Some are cool with it ( for a while ) some aren’t, and jog on. They tend to all jog on eventually, when they realise I’m not going to cave in. I’m cool with that. I suggest you pick a road, and stick to it. If you cave on this, you’ll be finding yourself caving on lots of things in future ( I reckon ). I’m not fundamentally against marriage, it’s just not a comfortable concept for me.
OK, all the stuff about assets, wages and shares etc...All irrelevant if you truly love and want to be with her, to commit to her and spend the rest of your life with her as a married couple.
If you are suspicious of her motives then there is a lack of trust - a successful marriage relies on trust.
I think you need to face your feelings and assess if she's the one for you.
If you are suspicious of her motives then there is a lack of trust - a successful marriage relies on trust.
I think you need to face your feelings and assess if she's the one for you.
MyM2006 said:
essayer said:
BUT
Money seems quite a focus of your post. Isn’t marriage more than that?
I completely agree with this but one of her main arguments for marriage is her security. Money seems quite a focus of your post. Isn’t marriage more than that?
Unfortunately she’s at an age when she will feel rather insecure, however her behaviour hithwrto suggests the moment you are married she will become a different person and you will regret it.
So substitute negotiating power for security and her motive maybe clear.
MyM2006 said:
essayer said:
BUT
Money seems quite a focus of your post. Isn’t marriage more than that?
I completely agree with this but one of her main arguments for marriage is her security. Money seems quite a focus of your post. Isn’t marriage more than that?
The way you’ve written it suggests her motivations are primarily for the financial security she’ll get as a consequence. That doesn’t strike me as the right reason.
I’m more pro-marriage than the average PHer it seems, but if that’s a fair reflection of her reasons then I’d be suggesting to swerve.
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