Parenting: Getting it Right
Discussion
A few weeks ago my eldest asked me for a fiver to pay towards hiring a pitch with his mates. I nodded at my wallet and asked him to help himself. He told me there weren't any fivers in it; just a couple of twenties. I asked if he would be doing anything after (sometimes they pile into a Turkish grill across the road from the pitches) and he said he might, so I told him to take a twenty (he usually does have money on his Henry card). He asked if I was sure, and I winked and said, 'just remember these things before you wheel me off to a care home. His reply made me want to high five him (and upper cut his solar plexus with the other hand) when he came up with this quip, "just remember whose decision it was to have kids".
This is the fun side to parenting which does come with some challenges. He doesn't always agree to the way I see things and whilst that's fine (I want him to be objective to a point) but there are times he does think he knows better. Take his attitude towards revision (exam year at school) and at times his general housekeeping etc.
It often gets me thinking that us as parents, do we perhaps overdo it? Do we show them too much empathy? Could that be an undoing of trying to do what you perceive to be a better way? I don't want to think so as my dad was firm and fair to me but that was his generation dealing with mine; mine is now dealing with my son's but it doesn't always go as smoothly as I would hope at times. Like, my eldest doesn't really see me as the cool dad I sometimes try to be (but his mates think I am). So I tend to try and walk the line between two perceptions. We can have a laugh and he knows how far he can push his luck before the tone of my voice changes. There's no Haynes manual on being a dad and unless you're following a culture or tradition, I think you have to find a fine line between trial and error, or wing it as best you can.
Last week I was having this very conversation with a friend and he sounded a bit downbeat. It turns out his son is giving him a bit of a headache. I tried to reassure him that it's the age and sometimes they try and push the boundaries and then he replied, "but does your son tell you to f
k off?" "Does he call you a ?"
His words threw me and I really felt for him as he's a good man. At the same time I rationalised whatever my son disappoints me with by thinking to myself, 'at least he's not as bad as that'. My friend felt that he gives his son a life that he never had and now feels kicked in the teeth for it. I didn't know what to say.
Overall, I think I'm doing okay but at times I wish I did better but I think this is the crux of the matter: what is better? By what measure, or standard? No matter what you do, there's always going to be a but.
Interested to hear views of other dads out there, the new ones and the seasoned veterans. I have two sons - no daughters - and my biggest concern presently is that I haven't done as much with my youngest!
This is the fun side to parenting which does come with some challenges. He doesn't always agree to the way I see things and whilst that's fine (I want him to be objective to a point) but there are times he does think he knows better. Take his attitude towards revision (exam year at school) and at times his general housekeeping etc.
It often gets me thinking that us as parents, do we perhaps overdo it? Do we show them too much empathy? Could that be an undoing of trying to do what you perceive to be a better way? I don't want to think so as my dad was firm and fair to me but that was his generation dealing with mine; mine is now dealing with my son's but it doesn't always go as smoothly as I would hope at times. Like, my eldest doesn't really see me as the cool dad I sometimes try to be (but his mates think I am). So I tend to try and walk the line between two perceptions. We can have a laugh and he knows how far he can push his luck before the tone of my voice changes. There's no Haynes manual on being a dad and unless you're following a culture or tradition, I think you have to find a fine line between trial and error, or wing it as best you can.
Last week I was having this very conversation with a friend and he sounded a bit downbeat. It turns out his son is giving him a bit of a headache. I tried to reassure him that it's the age and sometimes they try and push the boundaries and then he replied, "but does your son tell you to f
k off?" "Does he call you a ?"His words threw me and I really felt for him as he's a good man. At the same time I rationalised whatever my son disappoints me with by thinking to myself, 'at least he's not as bad as that'. My friend felt that he gives his son a life that he never had and now feels kicked in the teeth for it. I didn't know what to say.
Overall, I think I'm doing okay but at times I wish I did better but I think this is the crux of the matter: what is better? By what measure, or standard? No matter what you do, there's always going to be a but.
Interested to hear views of other dads out there, the new ones and the seasoned veterans. I have two sons - no daughters - and my biggest concern presently is that I haven't done as much with my youngest!
Dad to two girls here, one almost 13 in year 8 at high school and one going on 8.
My eldest has certainly had some challenges, she has been diagnosed as Autistic but is very high functioning, she is very smart intelligent and performs very well at school so far, my youngest has no similar issues we are aware of.
The change I’ve seen in my daughter since starting high school is significant, she is still in the end a good kid, all her teachers seem to love her but her attitude is coming out now as a teenager, although she still more or less knows where the line is and doesn’t cross it.
I do feel like I’m putting more time in with the eldest than the youngest currently and I feel bad for that too but I try to reason with myself there will come a time when the eldest doesn’t need me in the same way anymore and the youngest will get the lions share of my time.
Sadly there are no guides to raising children and I think most of us are doing the best job we know how.
My eldest has certainly had some challenges, she has been diagnosed as Autistic but is very high functioning, she is very smart intelligent and performs very well at school so far, my youngest has no similar issues we are aware of.
The change I’ve seen in my daughter since starting high school is significant, she is still in the end a good kid, all her teachers seem to love her but her attitude is coming out now as a teenager, although she still more or less knows where the line is and doesn’t cross it.
I do feel like I’m putting more time in with the eldest than the youngest currently and I feel bad for that too but I try to reason with myself there will come a time when the eldest doesn’t need me in the same way anymore and the youngest will get the lions share of my time.
Sadly there are no guides to raising children and I think most of us are doing the best job we know how.
Difficult. Kids always think they know best. I think it's up to Parents to demonstrate the right way even if the kids don't appreciate it at the time.
My son finally appreciates what I do/have done, only because he respects his boss' work/life ethics, not because I forced my opinions on him. We have a great relationship now.
My son finally appreciates what I do/have done, only because he respects his boss' work/life ethics, not because I forced my opinions on him. We have a great relationship now.
Puggit said:
If anyone wants a great guide to parenting, watch Jeff Brazier talking to his 18 year old son Freddy on 'Celebrity Race Across the World'. Hats off to him. Patient, kind, guiding, educating. And he's been a solo dad for most of Freddy's life.
Yeah fair play to him. That looked like a great relationship. OP sounds like he’s got it pretty well sorted. Mine are too young and life is great so let’s keep it that way. Wouldn’t like my child to be telling me to F off.
Glassman said:
my biggest concern presently is that I haven't done as much with my youngest!
Quite a common thing. With your first, you've all the time and all the energy and all the focus. You measure their progress against the chart of 'normality' and implement measures if they slip.With the second you're kicking their legs from under them the minute they start to show signs of walking as you've got your handful with the other one. (not literally, of course)
There's only two things I'd suggest are absolute when it comes to raising kids.
The first is teamwork. It's Mum AND Dad. When you encounter a dysfunctional or wayward kid, other than mental health issues, it's nearly always because one is absent or ineffectual. Sometimes this can't be avoided (my BiL died when his kids were 5 and 8) and sometimes separation doesn't help but when you can, work as a team. Never argue in front of the kids. Always agree in front of them.
The second is love. Blokes are uncomfortable with this notion but showing that you love your kids (not just telling them - though that's important) is so effective. My wife is a strong believer in the power of hugs. Even now, will give my son (a 25 year old strapping 6'2" fitness trainer) a big hug for no reason and the same with my 30 year old daughter.
Everything else just flows form that.
MiniMan64 said:
Having kids is one of the hardest things you will ever do but no one ever teaches you how to do it properly which is a bit mental when you think about it.
I think I learnt a lot from my parents (both the good and the not so good). My dad was very "old school disciplinarian" (to the point where we wouldn't speak too loudly when he was home). i don't think he ever told me or my brothers that he "loved" us and equally it didn't bother us because we assumed all dads were like that. My mum was a lot softer and more caring. What it taught me is that all kids need a combination of discipline and love.When his grandkids came along he changed completely, he could not be more loving or caring if he tried. They don't believe us when we tell them what he was like when we were growing up.
My eldest daughter is 17, I am certain she thinks I am stupid and that I don't know anything. She thinks she knows best when it comes to decisions and that she can handle any situation.
1)She wanted a new iPhone, she wanted to buy an iPhone 15 Pro Max I told her to get a cheaper one. Within six months she had it stolen and the replacement lasted 55 days before she cracked the screen. Stupid old dad realised the 60 day apple care thing so got her to sign up and we are waiting a few weeks to claim for a new screen. Dad also had to get another Sim card and swap the number over when it was stolen. I was down the shops, had another sim card and had it all done in under 30 minutes whilst daughter is crying on the phone.
2)She wanted to go to London with her friends, I tried to explain the trains and all I got was "Yeah, yeah". Get a call at 1AM saying her and her friend had got the completely wrong train and there was no way of getting back.
She is currently learning to drive she thought it was obviously easy as stupid old dad can do it. I think it actually shocked her that she is struggling and staling the car. I can tell how annoyed she is that it is a lot harder than she thought.
I have told her when she is older not to buy a new car on finance as it will inevitably get damaged or she will get bored of paying for it. I know she won't listen and will turn up one day in a new car she can't afford.
I think ultimately they won't listen and have to learn from their own mistakes. All you can do is to be there to help them out when it all goes wrong.
Teenagers are the stupidest people on the planet.
1)She wanted a new iPhone, she wanted to buy an iPhone 15 Pro Max I told her to get a cheaper one. Within six months she had it stolen and the replacement lasted 55 days before she cracked the screen. Stupid old dad realised the 60 day apple care thing so got her to sign up and we are waiting a few weeks to claim for a new screen. Dad also had to get another Sim card and swap the number over when it was stolen. I was down the shops, had another sim card and had it all done in under 30 minutes whilst daughter is crying on the phone.
2)She wanted to go to London with her friends, I tried to explain the trains and all I got was "Yeah, yeah". Get a call at 1AM saying her and her friend had got the completely wrong train and there was no way of getting back.
She is currently learning to drive she thought it was obviously easy as stupid old dad can do it. I think it actually shocked her that she is struggling and staling the car. I can tell how annoyed she is that it is a lot harder than she thought.
I have told her when she is older not to buy a new car on finance as it will inevitably get damaged or she will get bored of paying for it. I know she won't listen and will turn up one day in a new car she can't afford.
I think ultimately they won't listen and have to learn from their own mistakes. All you can do is to be there to help them out when it all goes wrong.
Teenagers are the stupidest people on the planet.
Edited by ThingsBehindTheSun on Monday 23 September 20:16
I gave my 13 yr old daughter & her friends a lift home from a school function they were helping with the other night.
When one commented on the new (to us) car my daughter went on to describe the different driving modes available.
She didn’t thank me for the lift and was a nightmare for the next two days, but I’m clinging onto that small ray of sunshine.
When one commented on the new (to us) car my daughter went on to describe the different driving modes available.
She didn’t thank me for the lift and was a nightmare for the next two days, but I’m clinging onto that small ray of sunshine.
Al Gorithum said:
Difficult. Kids always think they know best.
Sometimes they do.When he was 17, my eldest son was destined for a science based career. Maybe medicine. He then decided he wanted to be a journalist. I told him he was making a huge mistake but he wouldn't listen. 11 years later, he's the world's most read journalist in his particular field, gets invited to huge events, travels the world, and earns more money that I ever made.
My youngest spend all his time listening to music and playing computer games. I warned him he would regret it and was wasting his time. Now he works for a firm that publishes games and music, and is doing very well for himself.
Parents always think they know best. But we don't always.
Oilchange said:
If my son said that to me he’d be shown the door!
OUT.
Same here. I have 3 sons all grown up now and a few grandkids as well. OUT.
It’s about mutual respect, I would never ever tell my kids to f
k off no matter how bad things were. However I would not stand for that from them either. bigmowley said:
Oilchange said:
If my son said that to me he’d be shown the door!
OUT.
Same here. I have 3 sons all grown up now and a few grandkids as well. OUT.
It’s about mutual respect, I would never ever tell my kids to f
k off no matter how bad things were. However I would not stand for that from them either. ThingsBehindTheSun said:
My eldest daughter is 17, I am certain she thinks I am stupid and that I don't know anything. She thinks she knows best when it comes to decisions and that she can handle any situation.
1)She wanted a new iPhone, she wanted to buy an iPhone 15 Pro Max I told her to get a cheaper one. Within six months she had it stolen and the replacement lasted 55 days before she cracked the screen. Stupid old dad realised the 60 day apple care thing so got her to sign up and we are waiting a few weeks to claim for a new screen. Dad also had to get another Sim card and swap the number over when it was stolen. I was down the shops, had another sim card and had it all done in under 30 minutes whilst daughter is crying on the phone.
2)She wanted to go to London with her friends, I tried to explain the trains and all I got was "Yeah, yeah". Get a call at 1AM saying her and her friend had got the completely wrong train and there was no way of getting back.
She is currently learning to drive she thought it was obviously easy as stupid old dad can do it. I think it actually shocked her that she is struggling and staling the car. I can tell how annoyed she is that it is a lot harder than she thought.
I have told her when she is older not to buy a new car on finance as it will inevitably get damaged or she will get bored of paying for it. I know she won't listen and will turn up one day in a new car she can't afford.
I think ultimately they won't listen and have to learn from their own mistakes. All you can do is to be there to help them out when it all goes wrong.
Teenagers are the stupidest people on the planet.
No offense, but this reads more like you are trying to be useful and interfering. She is 17! Would it kill her to break her phone and have to earn money for a new one for instance? Why do you have to sort it out? 1)She wanted a new iPhone, she wanted to buy an iPhone 15 Pro Max I told her to get a cheaper one. Within six months she had it stolen and the replacement lasted 55 days before she cracked the screen. Stupid old dad realised the 60 day apple care thing so got her to sign up and we are waiting a few weeks to claim for a new screen. Dad also had to get another Sim card and swap the number over when it was stolen. I was down the shops, had another sim card and had it all done in under 30 minutes whilst daughter is crying on the phone.
2)She wanted to go to London with her friends, I tried to explain the trains and all I got was "Yeah, yeah". Get a call at 1AM saying her and her friend had got the completely wrong train and there was no way of getting back.
She is currently learning to drive she thought it was obviously easy as stupid old dad can do it. I think it actually shocked her that she is struggling and staling the car. I can tell how annoyed she is that it is a lot harder than she thought.
I have told her when she is older not to buy a new car on finance as it will inevitably get damaged or she will get bored of paying for it. I know she won't listen and will turn up one day in a new car she can't afford.
I think ultimately they won't listen and have to learn from their own mistakes. All you can do is to be there to help them out when it all goes wrong.
Teenagers are the stupidest people on the planet.
Edited by ThingsBehindTheSun on Monday 23 September 20:16
Biggest thing is letting go and allowing sub optimal outcomes.
I met a guy, he is 26, his parents micromanage him and he is lost. If you talked to him sat behind a curtain and couldn’t see his physical age, you’d think he was 15. They still try and sort out every aspect of his life like this, and frankly its infantilised him.
Let go mate, for her sake.
One of my fondest memories from my teenage years was going for a jolly with my friends and getting stuck at Waterloo station because we missed all the connecting trains. We stayed up all night in the station, chatting and messing around. We took the first train back home, with the birds chirping at dawn. For us it was an adventure, we talked about it for years afterwards.
TBH, if this sort of thing happened again because the trains got delayed, I’d check straight into the nearest Novotel and try to file for compensation. As a teen, that wouldn’t even have occurred to me as an option!
One of the best things you can do is let them be their age, and not expect them to make the same decisions and life choices as a middle aged man / woman.
TBH, if this sort of thing happened again because the trains got delayed, I’d check straight into the nearest Novotel and try to file for compensation. As a teen, that wouldn’t even have occurred to me as an option!
One of the best things you can do is let them be their age, and not expect them to make the same decisions and life choices as a middle aged man / woman.
Edited by wyson on Monday 23 September 21:45
my kids are 5M and 7F. I firmly believe that there is no way to get parenting right, you just have to live with whatever mistakes you make and the impacts those mistakes result in. It makes me feel incredibly sad that I don't even realise half the things i am getting wrong now, and won't for some time. However I take solace that this differentiates me and i guess gen X/milennial sort of age parents from the 70s/80s/90s boomer parents who refuse to even acknowledge, let alone live with the mistakes they made.
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