Dealing with Ageing Parents
Discussion
For most of my life my father has been my go to for advice on everything. I run our family business that he founded and built, I have always been able to go to him for advice and help in all aspects of my life. He has very rarely steered me wrong getting me out of some really big holes in my youth that my mother will never find out about.
Always been massively close particularly as I get my love of cars from him.
Which leads on to todays current issues. Over the last 2-3 years our relationship has really started to fracture. I really struggle to have conversations with him now that don't leave me annoyed.
He has become really mean spirited, massively negative, egotistical, dismissive and selfish. Everything in the world is terrible, cars are rubbish, woke is taking over etc. If you listen to him you would think his life was terrible. He is retired sat in his sizeable home with acres of space, enviable car collection that he complains about the roads but never drives any of them much anymore, but will go to great lengths to discuss how much they are worth. Trump was great we could do with someone like him here. This is all between either being at his holiday home or on a cruise.
I have invited him to some business meetings recently as I am restructuring the whole company and I want him to be aware of what I'm doing as ultimately he own the company. This has led to some embarrassing meetings as he is being really arrogant bragging about turnover/profit to suppliers when I am trying to negotiate. Which is of course rude and embarrassing.
All round finding him very challenging and struggling with the thought that he is changing in a negative way or the possibility that I have out grown him and he was always this way.
Can't help wondering if this is just the way everyone goes as they get older?
Always been massively close particularly as I get my love of cars from him.
Which leads on to todays current issues. Over the last 2-3 years our relationship has really started to fracture. I really struggle to have conversations with him now that don't leave me annoyed.
He has become really mean spirited, massively negative, egotistical, dismissive and selfish. Everything in the world is terrible, cars are rubbish, woke is taking over etc. If you listen to him you would think his life was terrible. He is retired sat in his sizeable home with acres of space, enviable car collection that he complains about the roads but never drives any of them much anymore, but will go to great lengths to discuss how much they are worth. Trump was great we could do with someone like him here. This is all between either being at his holiday home or on a cruise.
I have invited him to some business meetings recently as I am restructuring the whole company and I want him to be aware of what I'm doing as ultimately he own the company. This has led to some embarrassing meetings as he is being really arrogant bragging about turnover/profit to suppliers when I am trying to negotiate. Which is of course rude and embarrassing.
All round finding him very challenging and struggling with the thought that he is changing in a negative way or the possibility that I have out grown him and he was always this way.
Can't help wondering if this is just the way everyone goes as they get older?
I can't comment on your specific circumstances, although it does sound difficult.
What I will say is that there is moment in everybody's life when they realise they have outgrown their parents. You swap roles; the nexus of the family shifts down a generation, and all your parents' faults become apparent to you. Having always been a figure of authority and respect, all of sudden you realise that they are just people, and flawed people at that. For some, it can be a real shock when you come to understand that, actually, your parents are not very nice people.
So that's the good news. On the flip side, significant changes in personality can be indicator of more serious conditions such as dementia. So you do need to keep an eye out.
What I will say is that there is moment in everybody's life when they realise they have outgrown their parents. You swap roles; the nexus of the family shifts down a generation, and all your parents' faults become apparent to you. Having always been a figure of authority and respect, all of sudden you realise that they are just people, and flawed people at that. For some, it can be a real shock when you come to understand that, actually, your parents are not very nice people.
So that's the good news. On the flip side, significant changes in personality can be indicator of more serious conditions such as dementia. So you do need to keep an eye out.
I'm very much in the same boat as you. Dad is 85, Mum is 75, both very active, but have given up on any paperwork, bills, hospital appointments which falls on me as the eldest son. Family business is mainly commercial properties and that again falls to me despite us all having a share and working elsewhere. Brothers and sisters are very much of the fact that I have to do everything for them. In fact my Indian brother-in-law is my saviour in helping to take half the trips.
In them giving up on paperwork/bills/fixing things, I used to become quite angry at them - for instance his Sky box decided to play up for a week resulting in me driving half a dozen times (15 miles each way) to reset it. I used to ask them to call my brothers and sisters to come over to do it as many of them live half the distance away. But my anger at them "giving up on life" has changed to trying to enjoy my time with them as much as possible.
In them giving up on paperwork/bills/fixing things, I used to become quite angry at them - for instance his Sky box decided to play up for a week resulting in me driving half a dozen times (15 miles each way) to reset it. I used to ask them to call my brothers and sisters to come over to do it as many of them live half the distance away. But my anger at them "giving up on life" has changed to trying to enjoy my time with them as much as possible.
Oh just wait, you’ll be wishing for these days when he was actually coherent.
If and when you get to his age you’ll realise why he is being the way he is now, age makes you massively vulnerable and many who’ve had a lot and pushed hard all their lives with no fear, suddenly respond in the way he is, because they are scared.
Be as understanding as you can, learn to let his bluff and bluster amuse you inside, he is far more important than anyone you are sat with and embarrassed by, you will one day long to hear his outdated mumblings.
Understanding him and what he is going through will help you immensely and enable you to be with him to the end without ruining your relationship, its more important than you will know, until he is gone, then you will know.
If and when you get to his age you’ll realise why he is being the way he is now, age makes you massively vulnerable and many who’ve had a lot and pushed hard all their lives with no fear, suddenly respond in the way he is, because they are scared.
Be as understanding as you can, learn to let his bluff and bluster amuse you inside, he is far more important than anyone you are sat with and embarrassed by, you will one day long to hear his outdated mumblings.
Understanding him and what he is going through will help you immensely and enable you to be with him to the end without ruining your relationship, its more important than you will know, until he is gone, then you will know.
Edited by Aventador 700 on Wednesday 24th May 14:37
People can change when they get into older age and it varies a lot. Some continue to think/talk/live like they are 20 years younger, others personalities can flip 180 degrees and be unrecognisable. As the first commenter suggested these changes can be signs of dementia or similar, but it could also be depression (if he's starting to be boastful, maybe he feels insecure? his age? his role in the business? is he failing physically at all?). It's not an easy time anyway and if it affects business then that'll be extra stressful. Best of luck
vikingaero said:
for instance his Sky box decided to play up for a week resulting in me driving half a dozen times (15 miles each way) to reset it.
Quick tip for anyone dealing with this type of stuff at a distance, get some smart plugs that you can control from your phone, then when they call you can do the reset from an app for them, it's what we do with Mrs geeks mum when we are away and a gadget of some description won't work.I noticed it with my Dad
He got to an age point and openly admitted that his outlook changed to not caring what people think of his opinions or how he lives his life.
Now, that's fine as a concept, but when it means that you don't care if you are rude to those people you don't really want to be rude to, your belligerent attitude sees you flit from job to job, and/or you fall out with several friends and every neighbour you have, it's more of an issue.
He got to an age point and openly admitted that his outlook changed to not caring what people think of his opinions or how he lives his life.
Now, that's fine as a concept, but when it means that you don't care if you are rude to those people you don't really want to be rude to, your belligerent attitude sees you flit from job to job, and/or you fall out with several friends and every neighbour you have, it's more of an issue.
He is 76. This really is quite recent.
I have possibly been a little melodramatic, making him sound like a completely unbearable person. He is still largely tolerable its more that everything is just negative now. Nothing is good or interesting.
For instance he always said he wanted to drive his Ferrari down to Maranello and tour Italy with my Mum. He now has the car, time and money to do so. But completely denies that he would ever want to do something like that as it would cost a bloody fortune, police on every street corner etc.
Its difficult to describe, he has just lost all interest in all the stuff he used to be interested in. Everything cost a fortune everything is overpriced or ridiculous.
I have possibly been a little melodramatic, making him sound like a completely unbearable person. He is still largely tolerable its more that everything is just negative now. Nothing is good or interesting.
For instance he always said he wanted to drive his Ferrari down to Maranello and tour Italy with my Mum. He now has the car, time and money to do so. But completely denies that he would ever want to do something like that as it would cost a bloody fortune, police on every street corner etc.
Its difficult to describe, he has just lost all interest in all the stuff he used to be interested in. Everything cost a fortune everything is overpriced or ridiculous.
It's almost like reading something I'd have written a few years ago up to about now, my Dad went exactly the same way, after a few other challenges including health and other issues.
Ultimately I suspect it's old age and the mental effect it has on people, dementia is too strong a word but on that plane.
On the positive side, while he does still have really negative patches which infuriate me (its the ranting about nonsense that just winds me up) he seems to be getting better or at least better at covering it up, the trouble is since he and my mum split he doesn't really have anyone to stand up to him on a regular basis the woman he is with isn't that sort, and it creates a bit of an echo chamber effect, combined with old age and grumpiness.
On the downside his memory is getting worse, and that can be even more frustrating. Especially when your trying to help him and he forgets or willfully makes it harder.
Just grin and bare it. The day will come we don't have the frustration, and I'll take thousands more days of frustration rather than that day, I thought I was losing him some time ago and thankfully that didn't happen. I would advise distancing him from meetings though, or at least important ones, maybe try to dress some other jobs up as more important and needing his touch. Probably not dealing with complaints or firings though.....
Ultimately I suspect it's old age and the mental effect it has on people, dementia is too strong a word but on that plane.
On the positive side, while he does still have really negative patches which infuriate me (its the ranting about nonsense that just winds me up) he seems to be getting better or at least better at covering it up, the trouble is since he and my mum split he doesn't really have anyone to stand up to him on a regular basis the woman he is with isn't that sort, and it creates a bit of an echo chamber effect, combined with old age and grumpiness.
On the downside his memory is getting worse, and that can be even more frustrating. Especially when your trying to help him and he forgets or willfully makes it harder.
Just grin and bare it. The day will come we don't have the frustration, and I'll take thousands more days of frustration rather than that day, I thought I was losing him some time ago and thankfully that didn't happen. I would advise distancing him from meetings though, or at least important ones, maybe try to dress some other jobs up as more important and needing his touch. Probably not dealing with complaints or firings though.....
ntiz said:
For instance he always said he wanted to drive his Ferrari down to Maranello and tour Italy with my Mum. He now has the car, time and money to do so. But completely denies that he would ever want to do something like that as it would cost a bloody fortune, police on every street corner etc.
Its difficult to describe, he has just lost all interest in all the stuff he used to be interested in. Everything cost a fortune everything is overpriced or ridiculous.
Perhaps grumpiness increases with age, but everyone (your dad included) occasionally needs someone so say 'stop being such a grumpy sod'. That does mean purposely challenging him (in a polite manner) on his behaviour.Its difficult to describe, he has just lost all interest in all the stuff he used to be interested in. Everything cost a fortune everything is overpriced or ridiculous.
ntiz said:
He is 76. This really is quite recent.
I have possibly been a little melodramatic, making him sound like a completely unbearable person. He is still largely tolerable its more that everything is just negative now. Nothing is good or interesting.
For instance he always said he wanted to drive his Ferrari down to Maranello and tour Italy with my Mum. He now has the car, time and money to do so. But completely denies that he would ever want to do something like that as it would cost a bloody fortune, police on every street corner etc.
Its difficult to describe, he has just lost all interest in all the stuff he used to be interested in. Everything cost a fortune everything is overpriced or ridiculous.
Could it be anxiety, I remember my Grandmother wanting home before it was dark and permanently panicking about where her keys were when she visited. I have possibly been a little melodramatic, making him sound like a completely unbearable person. He is still largely tolerable its more that everything is just negative now. Nothing is good or interesting.
For instance he always said he wanted to drive his Ferrari down to Maranello and tour Italy with my Mum. He now has the car, time and money to do so. But completely denies that he would ever want to do something like that as it would cost a bloody fortune, police on every street corner etc.
Its difficult to describe, he has just lost all interest in all the stuff he used to be interested in. Everything cost a fortune everything is overpriced or ridiculous.
This bravado/negativity could be him formulating ways to hide, from himself especially, that he just doesn't feel comfortable at his age in board meetings and doing road trips in a sportscar to Italy.
Grumps. said:
Similar happened to someone we know and he eventually got diagnosed with early on set dementia, after a battle.
Same story here, I've seen a neighbour and my best pal's father-in-law go through the same and eventually were diagnosed.The anger and bravado was a semi-subconscious reaction to part of their brains knowing the other part wasn't functioning correctly.
I'm really sorry that this is being so hard on you (OP and others) and your families.
As above on media, the 'woke' phrase would be a red flag.
I spoke with someone I have known for several years who has recently started talking about 'woke' and parroting lots of right wing stuff. It is a cliche but the Daily Mail really is a gateway. Older people dont have to be tech savvy to be consuming Youtube vids etc.
Hate is something that is perpetuated and is based on making people scared.
No idea how you counter it on a practical level but it could be worth considering as part of the wider issue.
I spoke with someone I have known for several years who has recently started talking about 'woke' and parroting lots of right wing stuff. It is a cliche but the Daily Mail really is a gateway. Older people dont have to be tech savvy to be consuming Youtube vids etc.
Hate is something that is perpetuated and is based on making people scared.
No idea how you counter it on a practical level but it could be worth considering as part of the wider issue.
Electronicpants said:
ntiz said:
He is 76. This really is quite recent.
I have possibly been a little melodramatic, making him sound like a completely unbearable person. He is still largely tolerable its more that everything is just negative now. Nothing is good or interesting.
For instance he always said he wanted to drive his Ferrari down to Maranello and tour Italy with my Mum. He now has the car, time and money to do so. But completely denies that he would ever want to do something like that as it would cost a bloody fortune, police on every street corner etc.
Its difficult to describe, he has just lost all interest in all the stuff he used to be interested in. Everything cost a fortune everything is overpriced or ridiculous.
Could it be anxiety, I remember my Grandmother wanting home before it was dark and permanently panicking about where her keys were when she visited. I have possibly been a little melodramatic, making him sound like a completely unbearable person. He is still largely tolerable its more that everything is just negative now. Nothing is good or interesting.
For instance he always said he wanted to drive his Ferrari down to Maranello and tour Italy with my Mum. He now has the car, time and money to do so. But completely denies that he would ever want to do something like that as it would cost a bloody fortune, police on every street corner etc.
Its difficult to describe, he has just lost all interest in all the stuff he used to be interested in. Everything cost a fortune everything is overpriced or ridiculous.
This bravado/negativity could be him formulating ways to hide, from himself especially, that he just doesn't feel comfortable at his age in board meetings and doing road trips in a sportscar to Italy.
There are quite a few oldies in my life.
I can't think of anyone who's undergone a change like that but some are noticeably more anxious and less certain about themselves. It does sound a bit like an elevated reaction to that.
I try to steer them towards situations they currently respond to rather than things they used to.
And immersing yourself in the modern media environment will turn your wellbeing to sludge no matter how young or old you are. Unfortunately the retired have more time to be assaulted by it.
My dear old ma is still very adventurous but doesn't have a great deal of initiative towards it. She's up for suggestions and knowing there'll be someone else there rather than planning and setting off by herself.
I can't think of anyone who's undergone a change like that but some are noticeably more anxious and less certain about themselves. It does sound a bit like an elevated reaction to that.
I try to steer them towards situations they currently respond to rather than things they used to.
And immersing yourself in the modern media environment will turn your wellbeing to sludge no matter how young or old you are. Unfortunately the retired have more time to be assaulted by it.
ntiz said:
For instance he always said he wanted to drive his Ferrari down to Maranello and tour Italy with my Mum. He now has the car, time and money to do so. But completely denies that he would ever want to do something like that as it would cost a bloody fortune, police on every street corner etc.
That's a pretty demanding undertaking for many people, let alone that age. My dear old ma is still very adventurous but doesn't have a great deal of initiative towards it. She's up for suggestions and knowing there'll be someone else there rather than planning and setting off by herself.
Edited by bloomen on Wednesday 24th May 17:49
Just remember, one day you will be that person whether you want to be or not.
I can speak from experience, and as technology and social media develop even quicker and all the woke nonsense spreads and invades every cell of you life, you will get there sooner than I and you father did.
Our parents didn't fight to ensure our freedom and democracy....................................well you know the rest
I can speak from experience, and as technology and social media develop even quicker and all the woke nonsense spreads and invades every cell of you life, you will get there sooner than I and you father did.
Our parents didn't fight to ensure our freedom and democracy....................................well you know the rest
ntiz said:
<snip>
Its difficult to describe, he has just lost all interest in all the stuff he used to be interested in.
<snip>
This sounds like the symptoms of depression and / or anxiety. It could be a difficult subject to tackle though, given what you have written.Its difficult to describe, he has just lost all interest in all the stuff he used to be interested in.
<snip>
Have you tried talking to your Mum about him?
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