Jokes / anecdotes about marriage?
Discussion
I've got two staff who are marrying each other on Saturday and today is their last day in the office. As such, I need to say a few words (5 minutes) before lunch time (1pm) today. I'll present them with a gift / card / flowers, etc..
However, I need some inspiration. I want something which is light and, ideally, funny. So I thought the PH Massive might be able to help.
PS: I couldn't be arsed to wade through the "James Bond Monstrosity"!
However, I need some inspiration. I want something which is light and, ideally, funny. So I thought the PH Massive might be able to help.
PS: I couldn't be arsed to wade through the "James Bond Monstrosity"!
Is the groom large/fat? "Marriage isn't something to be entered in to lightly - and at XX stone, blokey certainly isn't"
"Say a few words in front of the vicar you can find yourself married. Say a few words in your sleep, you can find yourself divorced"
"men are like fine wine. They start out like grapes and it’s a woman’s job to stamp on them until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.
Also, women are also like fine wine. They start off all fresh and fruity and intoxicating to the mind, then they turn full-bodied with age until eventually they go all sour and bitter, eventually giving you a sore head."
"Say a few words in front of the vicar you can find yourself married. Say a few words in your sleep, you can find yourself divorced"
"men are like fine wine. They start out like grapes and it’s a woman’s job to stamp on them until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.
Also, women are also like fine wine. They start off all fresh and fruity and intoxicating to the mind, then they turn full-bodied with age until eventually they go all sour and bitter, eventually giving you a sore head."
(From memory)
Advice for Groom! The key to a rewarding marriage is always remembering to get the last two words in after a discussion with your wife...
"Yes dear."
Three women were talking about their love lives.
The first said "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."
The second said "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."
The third said "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."
Advice for Groom! The key to a rewarding marriage is always remembering to get the last two words in after a discussion with your wife...
"Yes dear."
Three women were talking about their love lives.
The first said "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."
The second said "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."
The third said "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."
Thanks chaps, some fantastic material there. I've just googled and found loads of stuff. I've cherry-picked the usable stuff and I'll now add some of the above. FYI the stuff I've already got is as follows:
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is an institution. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
A marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Then I realised that happens everywhere!
I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
When a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
I promised my Fiancée that I’d go through hell for her. We got married and I’m as good as my word.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
US Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is my idea of useless legislation.
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife I said that.
Marriage means commitment. But so does insanity.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.
All marriages are happy - it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.
If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.
Talk to each other, listen to each other, compromise a lot, learn contentment and laugh together.
The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is an institution. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
A marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Then I realised that happens everywhere!
I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
When a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
I promised my Fiancée that I’d go through hell for her. We got married and I’m as good as my word.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
US Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is my idea of useless legislation.
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife I said that.
Marriage means commitment. But so does insanity.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.
All marriages are happy - it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.
If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.
Talk to each other, listen to each other, compromise a lot, learn contentment and laugh together.
The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.
Old, but good:
Why does a woman smile when she walks down the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow-job
Shotgun wedding = Wife or death
Why are wedding dresses white?
To match the rest of the kitchen equipment
How do you stop your husband from reading your email?
Rename your Inbox to 'Instuction Manuals'
Scientists have discovered a food that kills a woman's sex drive stone dead - wedding cake
What does wife stand for?
Washing, Ironing, F**king, Etc...
Man's definition of marriage:
An expensive way to get your laundry done
What Not To Say When She Gets Pregnant:
I finished the Chocolate Hob-Nobs...
Are your thighs going to be that flabby all the time now?
Get your own ice cream...
Can't they induce? the 17th is Cup Final day...
Getting married is like going to a Michelin-starred restaurant. You order, then you see what the other guy ordered, and you want that.
A man is incomplete until he gets married. Then, he's finished.
A few Do's and Dont's for the big day:
DO: Allow plenty of preparation time
DON'T: Run so late the choice is between showering or wearing underwear
DO: Kiss gently at the end of the ceremony
DON'T: Even think about using your tongue
DO: Everything you can to ensure your guests have a good time
DON'T: Flirt with them
DO: Make it obvious to guests how happy you are
DON'T: Make it obvious to guests how horny you are
What does an anniversary and a toilet bowl have in common?
Men always miss them
What's the surest way to remember your wife's birthday?
Forget it once
Why does a woman smile when she walks down the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow-job
Shotgun wedding = Wife or death
Why are wedding dresses white?
To match the rest of the kitchen equipment
How do you stop your husband from reading your email?
Rename your Inbox to 'Instuction Manuals'
Scientists have discovered a food that kills a woman's sex drive stone dead - wedding cake
What does wife stand for?
Washing, Ironing, F**king, Etc...
Man's definition of marriage:
An expensive way to get your laundry done
What Not To Say When She Gets Pregnant:
I finished the Chocolate Hob-Nobs...
Are your thighs going to be that flabby all the time now?
Get your own ice cream...
Can't they induce? the 17th is Cup Final day...
Getting married is like going to a Michelin-starred restaurant. You order, then you see what the other guy ordered, and you want that.
A man is incomplete until he gets married. Then, he's finished.
A few Do's and Dont's for the big day:
DO: Allow plenty of preparation time
DON'T: Run so late the choice is between showering or wearing underwear
DO: Kiss gently at the end of the ceremony
DON'T: Even think about using your tongue
DO: Everything you can to ensure your guests have a good time
DON'T: Flirt with them
DO: Make it obvious to guests how happy you are
DON'T: Make it obvious to guests how horny you are
What does an anniversary and a toilet bowl have in common?
Men always miss them
What's the surest way to remember your wife's birthday?
Forget it once
EmmaP said:
Marriage is a great institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Thats a good point well put
. You could try "I've been married (insert how long)14 years, you don't get that for murder"
. although they might not see the funny side if they haven't tried marriage yet. Oops sorry Emma you beat me to it
. >> Edited by raf dug on Wednesday 20th July 11:08
vetteheadracer said:
Marriage is like 3 rings......
1st the engagement ring
2nd the wedding ring
3rd suffering
Or you could ask them what music they will be playing as they walk down the aisle?
Howabout "Another One Bites The Dust" by Queen
I overdubbed our wedding video with " Bring your daughter to the Slaughter" By Iron Maiden as my WTB was being escorted down the aisle.
Bruises are healing nicely thank you
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