Parent death and feelings

[Hugo Stiglitz]

I found out last night. To be honest, I've been expecting it for two years. So when I was told the news last night it was with a finality.


However why do I feel nothing?

Shock?

[Dr Jekyll]

Hugo Stiglitz said:

I found out last night. To be honest, I've been expecting it for two years. So when I was told the news last night it was with a finality.


However why do I feel nothing?

Shock?

Probably because you'd been expecting it, so you've already processed it emotionally.

I had the same experience with both my parents. One was very ill and I'd been expecting it for a few weeks, the other was old and getting frail but I only realised how much I'd been expecting it when it happened. In each case my instinctive reaction to the news was 'oh it's now is it, I was wondering if it might be a few more weeks'.

I'd been told you feel numb at first and then it hits you after a day or two so I expected it to hit me but it never did, and my brother said exactly the same.

Don't feel you have to react a certain way, it's your parent, and it's entirely up to you how you want to deal with it.

[Mr Whippy]

Brains are slow at adapting to a change that doesn’t make itself immediately obvious.

And they’re great at denial too.

[Evoluzione]

Difficult to say with half the story missing.
There is no set way to feel about it and it will change with time anyhow.

[TonyRPH]

When my Dad died, I was grief stricken, as it came out of the blue (he had a heart attack) and I was living 800 miles away at the time.

When my Mum died, I didn't experience the grief I had expected (she'd had dementia for several years and had been to 'the brink' on a couple of occasions) so I had expected it.

However, the real shock (for me) came at her funeral where I experienced an outpouring of uncontrollable grief.

I'm sure you will 'feel' it at some point.

[anonymous-user]

Evoluzione said:

Difficult to say with half the story missing.
There is no set way to feel about it and it will change with time anyhow.

This.

There’s no right or wrong way to feel and this will likely change massively over time.

[devnull]

Yep, as a child, I was wrecked when my grandmother died. When my grandfather died 10 years later, I was arguably closer to him but I didn’t feel much more than a bit numbness and sadness. I felt more guilt for not being more broken emotionally.

The difference was that my nans death was a shock to me, my grandfathers had been built up due to various hospitalisations and ever diminishing health.

[Sheets Tabuer]

I've had a few deaths in the family where I've felt nothing yet cried like a baby over trivial matters, the brain is a weird old thing.

[LukeBrown66]

My mother dying affecting me weirdly. It was expected and she was overly prepared to the point where I knew everything, wills, how to sort the house etc well before death.

I did not grieve traditionally, but it made me and still in some ways does lose a rock in my life, never to be replaced, made me question lots of things, none of which have been satisfactorily resolved in all honesty.

It happened in my 40's a time of change and reflection anyway and really as an only child anyway left me rudderless, still am in a way.

So it can affect everyone differently, this all just brought this stuff into focus, but did not help with resolution sadly.

[ClaphamGT3]

When my beloved Grandmother died at the age of 92 after a short illness (pancreatic cancer) I was sad and missed her greatly - as I still do 22 years later - but have never felt grief. For me and the rest of the family it was more a feeling of finality that a remarkable and rich life had come to its natural close.

[How u doing]

Sheets Tabuer said:

I've had a few deaths in the family where I've felt nothing yet cried like a baby over trivial matters, the brain is a weird old thing.

I've had this too. Everyone deals with it differently.

[PomBstard]

Agree there will be times when it strikes, and it’ll be a weird thing.

My mum died of cancer last year - lockdowns meant I couldn’t leave the country to see her in hospital or go to her funeral. But she had been originally diagnosed with cancer in 2016, and I did all my fretting then. Four years was a long time to get used to the idea of her not being around any more.

2020 was weird enough on its own so I guess it was all part of the stefest, but I find now that it catches me when I’m not expecting - such as having a bit of news to tell her, and realising I can’t any more.

We’re all different and there’s no right or wrong way for you to feel, and it’s important to accept that too.

[98elise]

Hugo Stiglitz said:

I found out last night. To be honest, I've been expecting it for two years. So when I was told the news last night it was with a finality.


However why do I feel nothing?

Shock?

Possibly, or just that you're already mentally prepared because it was expected.

Everyone processes it in their own way.

[Old Merc]

How u doing said:

Sheets Tabuer said:

I've had a few deaths in the family where I've felt nothing yet cried like a baby over trivial matters, the brain is a weird old thing.

I've had this too. Everyone deals with it differently.

My father collapsed and died in front of me 55 years ago ( I was 18 ), mum died of cancer 23 years ago, my sister died in very tragic circumstances 17 years ago ( Police involved, inquest etc ) my only son died last year. Sometimes I think I should be a screaming depressed wreck, but I`m not.
I have a nice life, have two successful Grandchildren and two lovely Gt G Children. I think about those who have gone every day, especially my father as he has missed everything in my adult life. I surround myself with memories of them all, photos, portraits, momentous and memorabilia. I even had an article I wrote about my father published in a WW2 veterans magazine.
I enjoy talking about my late family, my advice is never bottle it all up, keep talking, memories last for ever.

[GliderRider]

TonyRPH said:

However, the real shock (for me) came at her funeral where I experienced an outpouring of uncontrollable grief.

I'm sure you will 'feel' it at some point.

Likewise, although it was my Dad who died. He had had cancer, we were looking after him at home as per his wishes, so the last few days were pretty bad. Not helped by my mother, with dementia, wanting to 'go and see her parents' and getting very agitated that she couldn't.

It wasn't until I was up at the lectern doing a reading at Dad's funeral that tears suddenly came. I think it was looking out across all the friends and relatives that had come along that did it. Until then I had just been numb, and like the OP and others who've posted here, just wasn't feeling the grief I had expected.

[105.4]

Hugo Stiglitz said:

I found out last night. To be honest, I've been expecting it for two years. So when I was told the news last night it was with a finality.


However why do I feel nothing?

Shock?

Firstly, sorry for your loss.

I’ve recently been through the same with my Father who passed away in early April, I’m in the same boat as you.

My feelings, my emotions may be entirely different to yours. For me, it just doesn’t seem real. I sadly wasn’t there when he passed away, I didn’t get to see the cremation via video link as the crematorium in Spain ‘forgot’ to send me the password, and due to other commitments, I haven’t yet been able to get out to Spain to sort out his estate. There’s been no finality, no closure for me.

So to me, none of it feels real just yet. I guess it will finally hit home when I get out to Spain, get in his villa, realise he’s not there and start going through his personal belongings.


Or perhaps if the suffering has been going on for such a long time, (two years), what you are feeling now is a sense of relief?

Don’t beat yourself up about things. Grief, shock, these things can often have a delayed effect, sometimes even by months. But whatever you do do, don’t bottle things up.

My thoughts and my sympathies are with you.

[darren9]

Hugo Stiglitz said:

I found out last night. To be honest, I've been expecting it for two years. So when I was told the news last night it was with a finality.


However why do I feel nothing?

Shock?

First of all, sorry for your loss.

I've lost my mum a few years ago. I can't answer why you feel nothing and no-one can give you that answer. The important thing is that you remember that there isn't a 'correct' way to grieve. We all behave differently and comparing your experiences to others isn't good for you.

My advise is that you take it slowly and just feel however your brain makes you feel. I wasted a lot of time wondering why I was feeling a certain way or feeling guilty that I felt nothing or that I had happy days I still have unresolved guilt around these feelings now, 10 years later.

You will react and feel in and grieve in a way that is unique to you, however I was told that it is generally accepted that there are 7 stages of grief.

- Shock and denial. This is a state of disbelief and numbed feelings.
- Pain and guilt. ...
- Anger and bargaining. ...
- Depression. ...
- The upward turn. ...
- Reconstruction and working through. ...
- Acceptance and hope.

They are fluid and don't necessarily come in order. you can feel them at any point over any time in the future. It may help knowing that any of these feelings are natural.

If things are getting too much there is help. I found cruse to be a help www.cruse.org.uk

Take care of yourself and allow the feelings to come.

[Hoofy]

Sorry to hear that.

Yes, possibly shock. Maybe dissociation. Worthwhile reading around the subject of grief. And whatever you experience is fine. Others may experience things differently. You do you.

[Maximus_Meridius101]

It’s easier to deal with if you know it’s coming. You get a chance to say your goodbyes, and it gives a (relatively) nice smooth ending (it’s never ‘nice’ per se)There’s going to be a human grief reaction, that’s only natural. You’ll grieve, and things will seem a bit sad for a while, but it will pass, just buckle up for the rough bit that’s coming, and all will be fine eventually.

[Mr Whippy]

Sheets Tabuer said:

I've had a few deaths in the family where I've felt nothing yet cried like a baby over trivial matters, the brain is a weird old thing.

Or you’re releasing the trauma of the deaths at apparently trivial trigger points?