Parental advice--- Best way to respond?
Discussion
Yet another rant thread. Sorry. Maybe someone has good, diplomatic ideas for dealing with parents.
So.... My mother thinks I have no sense (I do have some). When I tell her about something, she'll dwell on it and come up with all these terrible, catastrophizing, scenarios that might develop and then comes back with a lot of nearly-scolding admonision from some warped perspective that is completely divorced from reality. Then when I tell her, no, she's got it wrong, and that the way she comes across really does assume the worst in people (me, specifically) and that it's insulting, she tells me that [i]I [/i]went off the deepend. And also, that I should just know that she's a concerned parent, bla bla bla, so I should have known what she [i]really[/i] meant. What the hell. So I've written her back. I feel like I'm going to get a phone call this evening as she will try to have the last word instead of dropping it as she's told me to do. Anyway, I don't know how she expects me to respond when she treats me like I'm a negligent, irresponsible moron. If I tell her "you're treating me like a negligent, irresponsible moron", she says I'm getting it all out of proportion. It just goes around in circles. Of course, you are now only hearing my side of it, so it could be that we are both irrational.
What do you do with these people? Put their email on the spam filter? Jeez.
Whew. Sorry again about the rant.
So.... My mother thinks I have no sense (I do have some). When I tell her about something, she'll dwell on it and come up with all these terrible, catastrophizing, scenarios that might develop and then comes back with a lot of nearly-scolding admonision from some warped perspective that is completely divorced from reality. Then when I tell her, no, she's got it wrong, and that the way she comes across really does assume the worst in people (me, specifically) and that it's insulting, she tells me that [i]I [/i]went off the deepend. And also, that I should just know that she's a concerned parent, bla bla bla, so I should have known what she [i]really[/i] meant. What the hell. So I've written her back. I feel like I'm going to get a phone call this evening as she will try to have the last word instead of dropping it as she's told me to do. Anyway, I don't know how she expects me to respond when she treats me like I'm a negligent, irresponsible moron. If I tell her "you're treating me like a negligent, irresponsible moron", she says I'm getting it all out of proportion. It just goes around in circles. Of course, you are now only hearing my side of it, so it could be that we are both irrational.
What do you do with these people? Put their email on the spam filter? Jeez.
Whew. Sorry again about the rant.
One day, Amy, you'll have a baby and you'll love her, or him, so much you'll want to protect the baby day and night. As your baby grows up, and becomes more independent, your protectiveness will be as strong as the day he or she was born. So, in summary, be grateful you've got a Mum who loves you, to the point she doesn't want to let go. At the moment you feel irritated, but trust me, one day you'll understand
OK, putting the e-mail on the spam filter was a bit harsh. I didn't actually do that (or tell her I would) but was just thinking about it. She comes by it naturally, as her mother is the same way with her.Best way to deal with it is to listen to the phone call while watching the TV on Mute.
Add appropriate Yeses and Nos as answers, keep conversation to the minimum and let them say their piece.
Then hang up, and think about what was said.
Only you can live your life, though there may be some valid points in what parents say is to think about whether what is said applies, and if were somebody else in your shoes, would it make sense?
Then do what YOU feel is right.
Add appropriate Yeses and Nos as answers, keep conversation to the minimum and let them say their piece.
Then hang up, and think about what was said.
Only you can live your life, though there may be some valid points in what parents say is to think about whether what is said applies, and if were somebody else in your shoes, would it make sense?
Then do what YOU feel is right.
GavinPearson said:
Best way to deal with it is to listen to the phone call while watching the TV on Mute.
Well, she didn't call, so I guess the discussion is over. Thanks for the input, though. I usually just ride out whatever she says, but sometimes it's frustrating and can touch a nerve not to be treated as an adult when you're almost 30. Then I feel like I have to respond to it, which is always a mistake.
Cheers.
My relationship with my parents was strained in my teens and twenties, but it is getting much better with time. I do think that the struggle between the child wanting independance and the parent's love- not wanting to let go does have allot to do with it.
Just try to remember that no matter how goofy your Mom or Dad may get at times that they are acting more on instinct than purposely trying to be a pain in the backside.
Edit to add; It's to bad your mom thinks you're not sensible, you certianly come acrossed as sensible on PH.
And yes Mother will always get the last word
>> Edited by Trooper2 on Friday 24th June 06:25
Just try to remember that no matter how goofy your Mom or Dad may get at times that they are acting more on instinct than purposely trying to be a pain in the backside.
Edit to add; It's to bad your mom thinks you're not sensible, you certianly come acrossed as sensible on PH.
And yes Mother will always get the last word
>> Edited by Trooper2 on Friday 24th June 06:25
t them and tell them to give me my shoes back.
seafarer said:
Best way to deal with it is to listen to the phone call while watching the TV on Mute.
Well, she didn't call, so I guess the discussion is over. Thanks for the input, though. I usually just ride out whatever she says, but sometimes it's frustrating and can touch a nerve not to be treated as an adult when you're almost 30. Then I feel like I have to respond to it, which is always a mistake.
Cheers.
are you my sister?? (actually she gets it worse cos she's still living at home!)
I've got problems with my Mum at the moment, although I'm really regretting something I said last night.
Basically, she's a teacher, so she's permenantly stressed. She's spent her entire life in education, either learning or teaching, so she's got herself into this machine-like routine when it comes to work. When I was revising for my GCSEs and A-Levels it was like boot camp, and throughout GCSE especially she was like a drill sergeant. Thing is, I got the grades. Ever since, it's like my Mum's been looking over my shoulder all the way through university, and I've got myself into a kind of emotionless discipline over work.
But the most crushing thing is the fact that she's in a constant panic and thinks in worst-case scenarios. When I talk about getting my results and graduating all she can talk about is failure and resits. She's telling me I need to resit the year before I've even had my results in.
Her idea of abject failure? A 2:2
A friend of mine who was expecting a 1st just got a 2:2, and he's proud of it, because at least he has closure.
But she was telling me that unless I got a 1st or a 2:1 the degree wouldn't be worth anything.
So I said something I really regret. "Am I an investment?"
*click*brrrrrrr*
I can never disagree with her at all. She thinks I'm a good-for-nothing waster who will spend the rest of his life on the dole. She thinks I'm gay because I'd never introduce a girlfriend to her. She thinks I'm wasting her money (the way she keeps stressing this just reenforces the whole 'investment' thing).
And her biggest problem is that she doesn't trust anyone but herself. She doesn't believe a word anyone says and she checks up on them extensively (usually to her embarrasment). She also seems incapable of just being honest - one of her favourite phrases is 'just tell a little white lie' (why?). As a result, it doesn't matter what I say or what my plans are, she won't believe me, she'll just put her boot in and more often than not it'll make things awkward for me.
I couldn't stomach another year in education, but when I'm in education, she holds all the strings, but if I tell her this, she bursts into tears then starts ranting.
And did I tell you she hates cars?
I have no idea how to respond to her at all, but it's not like I can ignore her.
Basically, she's a teacher, so she's permenantly stressed. She's spent her entire life in education, either learning or teaching, so she's got herself into this machine-like routine when it comes to work. When I was revising for my GCSEs and A-Levels it was like boot camp, and throughout GCSE especially she was like a drill sergeant. Thing is, I got the grades. Ever since, it's like my Mum's been looking over my shoulder all the way through university, and I've got myself into a kind of emotionless discipline over work.
But the most crushing thing is the fact that she's in a constant panic and thinks in worst-case scenarios. When I talk about getting my results and graduating all she can talk about is failure and resits. She's telling me I need to resit the year before I've even had my results in.
Her idea of abject failure? A 2:2
A friend of mine who was expecting a 1st just got a 2:2, and he's proud of it, because at least he has closure.
But she was telling me that unless I got a 1st or a 2:1 the degree wouldn't be worth anything.
So I said something I really regret. "Am I an investment?"
*click*brrrrrrr*
I can never disagree with her at all. She thinks I'm a good-for-nothing waster who will spend the rest of his life on the dole. She thinks I'm gay because I'd never introduce a girlfriend to her. She thinks I'm wasting her money (the way she keeps stressing this just reenforces the whole 'investment' thing).
And her biggest problem is that she doesn't trust anyone but herself. She doesn't believe a word anyone says and she checks up on them extensively (usually to her embarrasment). She also seems incapable of just being honest - one of her favourite phrases is 'just tell a little white lie' (why?). As a result, it doesn't matter what I say or what my plans are, she won't believe me, she'll just put her boot in and more often than not it'll make things awkward for me.
I couldn't stomach another year in education, but when I'm in education, she holds all the strings, but if I tell her this, she bursts into tears then starts ranting.
And did I tell you she hates cars?
I have no idea how to respond to her at all, but it's not like I can ignore her.
anonymous said:
[redacted]
Worrying. Thing is, she was married in the last year of university and has been with my Dad ever since. As a result, she's got it into her head that university is the last gasp of your social life, and that if you don't meet someone at university you'll be lonely for the rest of your drudging, menial existence. I had to turn off the news yesterday when Prince William was graduating and the master of ceremonies said 'many of you will go on to marry your current partners'. All I could imagine was my Mum watching the news (as she does), looking panicked.
She has loads of expectations of me that she keeps reminding me of - a better salary than her or my Dad, children, a better university result, fame (yes...) and so on.
Now, how do you introduce someone like that to a girlfriend? 'Xyz, this is a potential mother-in-law from hell'?
And I'm an only child, so I get all of it...
Ist the protective Mama hen syndrome...
Am lucky always had good relationship mit my Mama und Papa...perhaps better mit Papa - on basis that he encouraged me to drive fast cars
As for their advice to me .... I usually just nodded und made my decision anyway for better or worse. The only thing they did which slightly upset me as young girly ....they checked out the Mad Doc when we started dating properly - but Papa was more interested in how he drove his cars und Mama about the bedroom arrangements. 
Am lucky always had good relationship mit my Mama und Papa...perhaps better mit Papa - on basis that he encouraged me to drive fast cars
As for their advice to me .... I usually just nodded und made my decision anyway for better or worse. The only thing they did which slightly upset me as young girly ....they checked out the Mad Doc when we started dating properly - but Papa was more interested in how he drove his cars
und Mama about the bedroom arrangements. OK, a slightly more serious reply.
Your parents, with all their hearts and soul, want the best for you. However, they will almost certainly see your life in terms of theirs. That's particularly confusing because over the last century society has changed massively. My parents were horrified when I first changed jobs because their generation had careers for life. With every life decision I make, they are scared for me - in case something goes wrong. They are nervous because whilst they want the best for you, they have no control over your life and they know they can't always make things better. When you were a kid, they could, and it's a difficult thing to accept that they can't always be there for you. To some extent they might be quite upset that you apparently have significantly different values to them - though it's often just a consequence of the different values society has.
I've found that as you get on with your life your relationship with your parents changes. It's not about challenging their views, or proving them wrong. It's about becoming an independant person and sharing your life with them, showing them the things you do and your successes and failures. There's no battle or magic bullet or date for the change to happen, it just grows until, rather than ringing you up to check that you're behaving yourself, they're ringing you up to ask advice, share something or invite you round for a meal.
Anyway, Sam, Amy - sorry, you just have to live with it and take a deep breath when they say something monumentally dumb or irritating. You'll be upset when they're gone and you'll do exactly the same to your own offspring.
Your parents, with all their hearts and soul, want the best for you. However, they will almost certainly see your life in terms of theirs. That's particularly confusing because over the last century society has changed massively. My parents were horrified when I first changed jobs because their generation had careers for life. With every life decision I make, they are scared for me - in case something goes wrong. They are nervous because whilst they want the best for you, they have no control over your life and they know they can't always make things better. When you were a kid, they could, and it's a difficult thing to accept that they can't always be there for you. To some extent they might be quite upset that you apparently have significantly different values to them - though it's often just a consequence of the different values society has.
I've found that as you get on with your life your relationship with your parents changes. It's not about challenging their views, or proving them wrong. It's about becoming an independant person and sharing your life with them, showing them the things you do and your successes and failures. There's no battle or magic bullet or date for the change to happen, it just grows until, rather than ringing you up to check that you're behaving yourself, they're ringing you up to ask advice, share something or invite you round for a meal.
Anyway, Sam, Amy - sorry, you just have to live with it and take a deep breath when they say something monumentally dumb or irritating. You'll be upset when they're gone and you'll do exactly the same to your own offspring.
anonymous said:
[redacted]
Ist always case - you want your children to achieve to potential... we are same mit the kittens - but with us ...ist simply knowing that they did try whatever the result. Ist about providing the opportunity und the encouragement - but not forcing or being too demanding. We have three kittens inmidst of public exams at moment. They are forecast to "do well" - und we find the two boys are very laid back in approach to studies und our eldest girly tends to be a bit particular.
Twincam16 said:
Worrying. Thing is, she was married in the last year of university and has been with my Dad ever since. As a result, she's got it into her head that university is the last gasp of your social life, and that if you don't meet someone at university you'll be lonely for the rest of your drudging, menial existence.
Then she ist very blinkered for someone supposedly educated, Liebchen. I met lots more eligible people after graduation - und settled for the mad Doc because he ist kindred spirit und enjoys a fast car und appreciates a racy und cute cat like me
Some of the people I met at Uni are useful pals und good fun at get togethers - but that ist all.
Twincam16 said:
I had to turn off the news yesterday when Prince William was graduating and the master of ceremonies said 'many of you will go on to marry your current partners'.
Und get divorced soon afterwards. Ist too narrow to do this. You get career kick started und meet more people before you make such important "till death do us part decision". If she ist of this attitude - then she ist the one who ist not happy und has made herself a prisoner of her own narrow mind und early marriage before she lived. You do not go to Uni to meet life partner - you go to meet lots of people und widen mind und expand attitude. You should tell her that current education practices in the classroom are supposed to encourage und develop this.
Twincam16 said:
She has loads of expectations of me that she keeps reminding me of - a better salary than her or my Dad, children, a better university result, fame (yes...) and so on.
She wants you to have a nice life und able to afford nice things. Ist natural - but she needs to accept und respect you as you are - as guy who reached his potential at this time but ist still developing. Life und serious exams start after Uni. Mad Doc und ich - we had professional exams to pass after this und they were a lot harder - und the degree was just a stepping stone. Und I think I told you that I once recruited someone mit lower degree but who passed the interview test und then all later professional exam mit very high score as he was perhaps "late developer". Ist way some people are....a wise und educated und clever und purrfekt
person recognises this. Twincam16 said:
Now, how do you introduce someone like that to a girlfriend? 'Xyz, this is a potential mother-in-law from hell'?
Ist difficult ... und difficult as girl will prejudge if fore-warned. I would be inclined to take a few chav girlies home to "meet Mama" und then she would accept the love of your life mit open arms
>> Edited by WildCat on Friday 24th June 11:53
Funny thing is, I get on really well with my Dad. He's really down-to-Earth, friendly, calm, he accepts me as I am and when he wants to help me he actually listens to me first and he 'helps me to help myself', rather than just barking 'solutions' at me whilst I'm trying to explain situations.
And he likes cars too.
Problem is, he can't tell my Mum anything either
And he likes cars too.
Problem is, he can't tell my Mum anything either
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