Old man getting more arrogant with age
Discussion
I have a huge problem and I'm hoping for some sound advice. I literally have no idea where to turn on this.
I love my old man. He's a great dad, and I look up to him in many ways. I struggle to think how I will cope without him.
However as of late, our relationship has been falling apart at the seams and it's always me having to fix it and I'm getting tired to putting in the effort and get naff-all in return.
We've always had a bit of a turbulent relationship but there has always been a level of respect from each other. However as he's been getting older, he's just becoming more and more arrogant and pig-headed about everything. So much so that even my big sister is beginning to voice her concern about her relationship too. (To describe my older sister; She is the rock, the people pleaser and a total Daddy's girl - in a nutshell, if she says something is changing, it really is!).
My Dad retired about 1-2 years ago and since then the problem has just got worse. He gets grumpy in a nanosecond, he's pig-headed about everything refusing to take advice, landing him in hot-water a few times and he's just become so arrogant about everything it's simply unpleasant to talk to him.
I've tried to explain this but he just brushes all this off and in his arrogance, just tells me to "grow-up", so it's a fruitless conversation. He never used to be this way and it's not the Dad I want to remember. The sad part of it is I've stopped calling him and if my Mum asks if I want to pass the phone over, I come up with an excuse and decline. I'd rather not talk to him than get frustrated and annoyed over the phone.
To add to all this, I live abroad so rarely get the chance to see him and that doesn't make any of this easier.
So what should I do? It's utterly frustrating for me as I love my Dad to bits but I simply can't communicate with him for any more than 5 minutes.
I love my old man. He's a great dad, and I look up to him in many ways. I struggle to think how I will cope without him.
However as of late, our relationship has been falling apart at the seams and it's always me having to fix it and I'm getting tired to putting in the effort and get naff-all in return.
We've always had a bit of a turbulent relationship but there has always been a level of respect from each other. However as he's been getting older, he's just becoming more and more arrogant and pig-headed about everything. So much so that even my big sister is beginning to voice her concern about her relationship too. (To describe my older sister; She is the rock, the people pleaser and a total Daddy's girl - in a nutshell, if she says something is changing, it really is!).
My Dad retired about 1-2 years ago and since then the problem has just got worse. He gets grumpy in a nanosecond, he's pig-headed about everything refusing to take advice, landing him in hot-water a few times and he's just become so arrogant about everything it's simply unpleasant to talk to him.
I've tried to explain this but he just brushes all this off and in his arrogance, just tells me to "grow-up", so it's a fruitless conversation. He never used to be this way and it's not the Dad I want to remember. The sad part of it is I've stopped calling him and if my Mum asks if I want to pass the phone over, I come up with an excuse and decline. I'd rather not talk to him than get frustrated and annoyed over the phone.
To add to all this, I live abroad so rarely get the chance to see him and that doesn't make any of this easier.
So what should I do? It's utterly frustrating for me as I love my Dad to bits but I simply can't communicate with him for any more than 5 minutes.
Edited by beanbag on Tuesday 15th September 17:12
Nick Grant said:
I would suggest a visit and try and plan something you both enjoy together to get some bonding time.
Unfotunatley it didn't work for me as my dad refused to let me in when I tried this. I haven't spoken to him for about six years now.
I've tried this too....but unfortunately his topic of conversation appears to be limited to his properties and his ruddy laptop which never works. Both topics hold no interest to me at all and when I try and deviate the conversation to something else, I get nowhere.Unfotunatley it didn't work for me as my dad refused to let me in when I tried this. I haven't spoken to him for about six years now.
I even suggested we try building a classic Norton together. (He used to own a commando in the 70's), and he dismissed it saying he didn't have time and it was a daft idea which was quite upsetting.
We used to talk about loads of things but he just seems limited to his usual snorings (which he repeats many times....)
On that latter point, I genuinely think he may have the early stages of dementia as he forgets things very regularly and often repeats the same things over and over without any clue of having done so before.
I'm not planning on ignoring him for years on end, but I am struggling to find a way to connect again.
Sadly beanbag old chum this is what happens.
Coming to terms with one's own inevitable destiny, finishing work, retirement, all can make people bitter and frightened.
He's probably struggling to adjust to the fact that he is getting old, and that time is running out.
Write to him and tell him how you feel. It may break the ice which is forming.
Coming to terms with one's own inevitable destiny, finishing work, retirement, all can make people bitter and frightened.
He's probably struggling to adjust to the fact that he is getting old, and that time is running out.
Write to him and tell him how you feel. It may break the ice which is forming.
Soov535 said:
Write to him and tell him how you feel.
Best advice on the thread.If you want to get over a communication hurdle and get your feelings across to someone, then writing to them is one of the best ways of doing that.
Writing has the advantage of being considered; by the nature of writing, you tend not to write something you'd regret, and it gives you a chance to properly consider and articulate your feelings
Equally, he doesn't have you at the other end of the phone, or have you in front of him, so he's more likely to digest what you've said, rather than ignore and instantly be on the defensive.
So yes, take your time and write a letter to him.
Thanks for the advice and the next couple of weekends will be a good time to do this.
My parents are actually travelling around Europe on a road trip, and my mum messaged to let me know how they were getting on. I told her not to forget to get a vignette when they arrive in Austria as it's law to have one; However in true form, my Dad said that was nonsense and "he didn't believe me and wasn't going to pay tax in a country where the car isn't registered".
It's things like this which show this really nasty arrogant side to my Dad. Again, he never used to be this way.
The sad part is the fact that I used to live in Austria for 6 years so I know the laws very well. He knows this yet still refuses to take any advice.
It's this pig-headedness that will likely land him with a €200 fine for not having a vignette and he'll only moan more upsetting and stressing out my mum on what should be a fun trip.
It really is sad how people you love change so much. I just hope my marbles don't change that much in my old age.
My parents are actually travelling around Europe on a road trip, and my mum messaged to let me know how they were getting on. I told her not to forget to get a vignette when they arrive in Austria as it's law to have one; However in true form, my Dad said that was nonsense and "he didn't believe me and wasn't going to pay tax in a country where the car isn't registered".
It's things like this which show this really nasty arrogant side to my Dad. Again, he never used to be this way.
The sad part is the fact that I used to live in Austria for 6 years so I know the laws very well. He knows this yet still refuses to take any advice.
It's this pig-headedness that will likely land him with a €200 fine for not having a vignette and he'll only moan more upsetting and stressing out my mum on what should be a fun trip.
It really is sad how people you love change so much. I just hope my marbles don't change that much in my old age.
beanbag said:
It's this pig-headedness that will likely land him with a €200 fine for not having a vignette and he'll only moan more upsetting and stressing out my mum on what should be a fun trip.
It really is sad how people you love change so much. I just hope my marbles don't change that much in my old age.
I have been through similar with my old man but with the added kicker that we also work together. I have tried Everything to try and make my dad see how unpleasant he can be, and how he never used to be like this but he clearly doesn't want to/can't acknowledge it. Luckily he doesn't seem to be on the same level as yours, but it can be hard sometimes. It really is sad how people you love change so much. I just hope my marbles don't change that much in my old age.
And, if it helps, I can sometimes feel myself going into a mood like my dad goes into. When this happens I am able to snap out of it, so perhaps you can just bear that in mind in the future so that you don't emulate his unpleasantness.
beanbag said:
Nick Grant said:
I would suggest a visit and try and plan something you both enjoy together to get some bonding time.
Unfotunatley it didn't work for me as my dad refused to let me in when I tried this. I haven't spoken to him for about six years now.
I've tried this too....but unfortunately his topic of conversation appears to be limited to his properties and his ruddy laptop which never works. Both topics hold no interest to me at all and when I try and deviate the conversation to something else, I get nowhere.Unfotunatley it didn't work for me as my dad refused to let me in when I tried this. I haven't spoken to him for about six years now.
I even suggested we try building a classic Norton together. (He used to own a commando in the 70's), and he dismissed it saying he didn't have time and it was a daft idea which was quite upsetting.
We used to talk about loads of things but he just seems limited to his usual snorings (which he repeats many times....)
On that latter point, I genuinely think he may have the early stages of dementia as he forgets things very regularly and often repeats the same things over and over without any clue of having done so before.
I'm not planning on ignoring him for years on end, but I am struggling to find a way to connect again.
Sounds like he needs new hobbies and things to entertain him.
Too often there are retired folk who as soon as they have too much time on their hands develop a severe case of grumpy old man syndrome. This can be due to lack of hobbies, lack of drive (no reason to get up in the morning for work etc) or dare I say it some older gents who previously worked hard/long hours suddenly find spending so much time with wifey hard work!!!!
Has your mother commented much on your dad's change in behaviour?
Too often there are retired folk who as soon as they have too much time on their hands develop a severe case of grumpy old man syndrome. This can be due to lack of hobbies, lack of drive (no reason to get up in the morning for work etc) or dare I say it some older gents who previously worked hard/long hours suddenly find spending so much time with wifey hard work!!!!
Has your mother commented much on your dad's change in behaviour?
My dad has also turned into a really grumpy old man since retirement. He is very busy though.
I wonder if it is hormones or some kind of bi-polar as sometimes he can suddenly flip.
I also wish the dads could see that they are changing (and not for the better) so they could get medical advice or help.
I wonder if it is hormones or some kind of bi-polar as sometimes he can suddenly flip.
I also wish the dads could see that they are changing (and not for the better) so they could get medical advice or help.
227bhp said:
Sounds like he's having problems adjusting to retirement and having not much of use to do any more? It's a big change for some people. Does he keep busy with other stuff?
i think that is a likely potential cause , especially if the dementia stuff proves to be a red herring ... this really needsa proper cogntive assessment by the GP and possibly a referral to the memory clinic
Edited by mph1977 on Wednesday 16th September 00:52
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