O/T: pilot-tower conversations

[Bodo]

Pilot: "Cotonou Tower, 5NAAF VFR from Lagos to Cotonou reporting national boundary this time estimate your field at 10.15."
Tower: " Ah, Ah, fife Novemba Affa Affa Foxetott watta you tipe of avion?"
Pilot: "This is a DHCI Chipmunk."
Tower: "....ah, say again."
Pilot: "DHCI Chipmunk . . . . . C H I P M U N K."
Tower: "Aahah...... a shitmonk!"



Controller: "CRX 500, are you on course to SUL?"
Pilot: "More or less"
Controller: "So proceed a little bit more to SUL."



Tower: "N2234, are you a Cessna ?"
Pilot: "No Sir, I'm a male hispanic."



Pilot: "Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo estabished ILS 16."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm - and by the way: this is WienTower."
Pilot: . . . . . . . . . . . "Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!"
Pilot: (Nach einer Denkpause) "Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?"
Tower: "You can believe me, this is Vienna!
Pilot: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ."But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!"
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left 030 and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava."

[Dan]

Please excuse my complete lack of air traffic comms etiquette and mentioning the War

Alegedy heard over the intercom by an american pilot in the early sixties

Takes place at Frankfurt airport where controllers are known for their efficiency, accuracy and total lack of patience.

BOAC Pilot: Frankfurt Tower please direct to take off point.

Tower: A1, left on C3

BOAC Pilot: Sorry can you repeat

Tower: *sigh* A1, left on C3

BOAC Pilot: Thank you tower

.... some minutes later

BOAC Pilot: Sorry tower was that left on C3

Tower: BOAC(whatever the call sign was) HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO FRANKFURT BEFORE.

BOAC Pilot: Yes....... but that was in 1944 and I didn't hang around.

[Bodo]

Dan, this would have been my next contribution

How about these:

Captain (just after a poor landing):
"Ladies and Gentlemen, it's happy hour. You just recived two landings for the price of one."


A conversation from Zürich airport:
Take-off RWY 28 Landing RWY 16, alternate 14
Tower: Alitalia 194 - taxi to rwy 28, hold short
AZ194: Ahh, yes taxi to rwy 28
Tower: AZ194, cleared for take-off
AZ194: Ahhhh, two minutes, need preflight (checks)
30 seconds later
Tower: Alitalia 194, YOU ARE CLEARED FOR TAKE OFF NOW!
AZ194: Ehmmmm, yes yes, take off in two minutes.....
...In the meantime: Rwy 16 had a 737 with a flat tire, Rwy 14 was overloaded, so they took a 767 from Cincinnati on 28. 767 crew had only been travelling for 8 hours...
Tower: Alitalia 194, expedite take-off, we have Delta 767 final on 28 - 2 miles!!
AZ194: Ahhh, we need 30 more seconds..........
DL104: Hey Spaghetti, take-off or I'll **** you from behind!!!

AZ194 made a SpaceShuttle like take off



LH741: "Tower, give me a rough timecheck!"
Tower: "It's tuesday, Sir....."




corrected for language

>> Edited by Bodo on Tuesday 9th July 14:23

[suec]

In a similar vein:
This is the transcrpt of the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid acollision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to theSouth to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert your course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[kevinday]

Or shipbound goes something like this:

Ship1: Unidentified craft at bearing 15, turn right immediately and bear off.

Unid craft: Suggest you turn left and bear off.

Ship 1: I say again turn right and bear off immediately.

Unid craft: I say again turn left and bear off.

Ship 1: This Commander Task Force in US aircraft carrier, bear off now!

Unid craft: This is a lighthouse, I suggest you bear off immediately!

[Bodo]

Tower: "To avoid noise emissions, pleas turn 45 degrees to the left."
Pilot: "What kind of noise emissions in 35000ft above sea level?"
Tower: "That kind of noise when your 727 crashes into the 707 in front of you!"

[Bruce Fielding]

And more...

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, 'Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?' Without missing a beat the controller replied, 'Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!'

PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said 'Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first'. The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation!

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing roll out after landing with his Approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: 'American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.'

Western Airlines had a term for its second officers. The term was 'GIB,' which stood for, 'Guy In Back.' The term was strictly unofficial and was actually frowned upon by the management at Western. It seems that some wise-guy pilot had been browsing through a dictionary and had made the discovery that a 'gib' is a castrated tomcat.

A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying and about flying when he's with a woman.

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City. KC Approach: 'Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles.' Three-two-Charlie: 'We've got him. We'll follow him.' KC Approach: 'Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?' Delta 105: (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): 'Well ... I've Got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though.'

Unknown Aircraft: 'I'm f--king bored!' Air Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!' Unknown Aircraft: 'I said I was f--king bored, not f--king stupid!'

Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.' Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.' Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7 ...did you copy the report from Eastern?' Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff ... and, yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified Eastern's caterers.'

[kevinday]

Beat me to it Sue!!!

[Dan]

Tornado flying routine patrol over Afghanistan, pilot looks out of the cockpit to the right and spots a carpet with a machine gun coming up to intercept him, looks out left and sees another carpet with a machine gun.

"Bloody hell" he thinks, I'm being attacked by some hostile flying
carpets, so he takes evasive action then shoots both of them down...

Upon landing goes to see his Sqn Ldr "Sir, just got buzzed by two flying carpets so I took evasive action and then shot them both down"
"You bloody idiot" the Sqn Ldr replies "you absolute idiot, did you not take the time to check the pattern on the carpet"
"Err... no sir, what's the problem"
"those were Allied Carpets!"

[Dan]

...and another.

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

[andymadmak]

Overheard in Filton control tower:

Filton,this is a USAF flight originating yyyyy Germany, enroute xxxxx, do you copy?

Roger USAF flight, please advise your call sign

Err, sorry Filton, it was a big night out last night and we can't remember it, We are 3 F1-11s please advise call sign from your plot.

Roger USAF flight, be advised plot now updated, adopt new call sign "Stupid One" for remainder of trip.

Andy 400se

[JMorgan]

I know its an old one but still
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

Also did someone say all landings are controlled collision with a planet?

[JonRB]

quote:
In a similar vein:
This is the transcrpt of the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Urban myth. Never happened. These aren't the droids you're looking for.

www.snopes.com/military/lighthse.htm

[Neil Menzies]

A couple of stories relating to the old Dan Air (bought out by BA) from the Scottish Islands flights using 'smaller' aircraft...

One pilot boarded the plane and just sat in a seat at the back. As the flight becamse later and later, he sat muttering, and eventually got out his seat and said "well if no-one else is going to fly this plane, I will", and stormed forward to the cockpit, much to the consternation of the other passengers...

Other one was a pilot who walked back into the passenger compartment unwinding a reel of string. He handed the end to the first passenger, and said "I'm just going to the loo - if the nose of the plane dips, just pull the string a little", and off he went, leaving a terrified passenger pulling and releasing the string - and a copilot diving and climbing...