The Friday Story

[andymadmak]

Not sure if I've posted this one before, but this was told to me a few months back and the guy who told me swears its true:

A Royal Navy Submarine docks back in Scotland following a particularly long period at sea. The crew have to get back to their base in Portsmouth the next day, but some decide to have a big night out on the town before the journey to celebrate being back in blighty.
Our hero wakes the next morning feeling VERY rough and rushes to get his train south.
Once on board he falls asleep. When he wakes up a few hours later he is in desperate need of the lav, but its all too late and the combination of the previous nights Mckewans finest and a dodgy kebab conspire against him and he craps his pants BIG STYLEE!
Being a Navy man, our hero does not panic. Despite the unbelievable stench he resolves to wait till he has to change trains (at York?) when he will have a 15 minute window to rectify things.
At York he rushes from the station and legs it to the nearest Jeans shop.
" Give me a pair of 36 regular NOW" yells our man at the assistant. The girl is VERY slow, and starts asking all sorts of questions like "what style would sir like, what clour would sir prefer etc etc ?
Our man gets very agitated and finally shouts "Look, just pick something for me and put it in the F**king bag fer Chrissakes!" The assistant complies with a sulk.
Having paid, our man just makes it back to the train in time. Once it's left the station he makes his way to the Lav and sets about the clean up operation. Having peeled off the jeans and grollies he wipes himself down, and decides that, owing to the stench, he will bin the old clothes. He opens the Lav window and throws then out. Then, with a sigh of relief at the end of his nightmare, he sits down to put the new stuff on, opens the bag and pulls out a denim jacket.....

Have a nice weekend guys

Andy 400se

[mel]

Commonly know as a "fleet dit" these stories abound in the Navy they are normally based on some level of truth but the exact nature or people involved are never known.

Here's another to follow.

Two Royal Marines are going out shooting on some marshes one weekend and being responsible types they pull up outside the farmers house to ask permission to use his land. Number 1 Royal jumps out and goes up to the door leaving number 2 still in the car with the guns. Conversation with the farmer goes along the lines of "Hello mate is it alright if we go onto your land down by the river for some duck shooting you'd be more than welcome to a brace or two when we've finished" Farmers reply "Yes of course you can lads, don't worry about the brace I've more duck than I can manage but you could do me one small favour if you don't mind, I've got a lame cow tied up by the gate, the vets will want to charge a fourtune to put her down and I really don't like doing it, you couldn't shoot her on your way down there could you? You can't miss her she's the big brown one tied up by all the black and white ones" Number 1 Royal agrees no problems but decides to wind up Number 2 in the process, he walks back to the car gets in and says while driving down the drive to the gate "flucking tight bastard gave me a right ear bending, told me to piss off of his land, that we were a pair of tossers and the 2 royals last week left his gates open and tried it on with his 15 year old daughter. I'll flucking show him what Royals about the bastard" At this point he screeches the car to a halt by the gate leaps out and blasts the brown cow. Number 2 royal then shouts "Yea get some you bastard" leaps out and starts blasting half the herd!!!!!!!