Very worried about a friend
Discussion
Didnt know where to put this, but a very good friend of mine, who has had some "issues" which I won't talk about here, has started self harming, but won't open up to anyone about it. We were having dinner in the pub between lectures and I noticed lots of red marks on her wrists, and she admitted to doing it on purpose but won't open up about it. Doesn't matter what I, or any of our other mutual friends say or do, she won't open up to anyone and talk about it. Naturally I'm really worried, what do I do?
Proper proper self harmers do absolutely everything to cover up what they've done, if she had it out in the open then I would call attention seeking 9/10 times, sorry if it sounds insensitive but I have one friend who was a heavy self harmer and we only found out years later after he had had years of help, I also had a girlfriend who did it before she was with me and after we broke up she died due to lack of potassium because of bulimia.
What sort of red marks are they? On the flip side I have known a couple of attention seekers too unfortunately...
What sort of red marks are they? On the flip side I have known a couple of attention seekers too unfortunately...
Agree with the attention seeking hypothtesis I'm afraid.
The only self harmer I knew would have stopped going to lectures, pub lunches and keeping in touch with friends long before you would have got to see some marks on her wrists.
Also, if you're a bloke you have zero chance of her opening up to you anyway, let alone understanding it if she did. Just tell her to pull herself together and stop being silly.
The only self harmer I knew would have stopped going to lectures, pub lunches and keeping in touch with friends long before you would have got to see some marks on her wrists.
Also, if you're a bloke you have zero chance of her opening up to you anyway, let alone understanding it if she did. Just tell her to pull herself together and stop being silly.
It's really unfair to dismiss any self-harming as 'attention seeking'. You can't generalise that it isn't something serious because the person makes no attempt to hide it, or because the wounds aren't extreme. It is that someone has felt distressed enough to hurt themselves that is the important thing.
You can't force someone to talk about something they don't want to, only offer to listen. If they take you up on it then that's good, but I'm not sure it's a good idea to pressure someone. Perhaps she might be willing to speak to someone who isn't a friend - if you are a student, then there must be a welfare officer or someone who can point you in the right direction to get some proper advice.
You can't force someone to talk about something they don't want to, only offer to listen. If they take you up on it then that's good, but I'm not sure it's a good idea to pressure someone. Perhaps she might be willing to speak to someone who isn't a friend - if you are a student, then there must be a welfare officer or someone who can point you in the right direction to get some proper advice.
Being a student is a very odd status, not being work, and not being fully "social" friend with full trust. These are very difficult circumstances. I think you have one major option, and that is to contact your course leader in confidence (it is their duty to keep it confidential). They may then approach the student saying something like "you seem unhappy" and see how it goes from there. The rest depend on their age, if you know their family, are they registered with the college doctor or still the one "away" at home etc.
People who "attention seek" rarely do it because they are a drama queen, but because they are asking for help, but don't know how. It really isn't as simple as "oh just go to your doctor", many people need to be told, or at least asked to go. they may not trust their GP and need to take an alternative route.
If you want to keep this away from your formal course structure (whether due to trust or personal chemistry) then if you have a half decent student union, they should have a professional member of staff who is used to dealing with this sort of thing. Alas it won't have been the first time they will have dealt with it.
The important thing is to do something, even if it is in a small way.
People who "attention seek" rarely do it because they are a drama queen, but because they are asking for help, but don't know how. It really isn't as simple as "oh just go to your doctor", many people need to be told, or at least asked to go. they may not trust their GP and need to take an alternative route.
If you want to keep this away from your formal course structure (whether due to trust or personal chemistry) then if you have a half decent student union, they should have a professional member of staff who is used to dealing with this sort of thing. Alas it won't have been the first time they will have dealt with it.
The important thing is to do something, even if it is in a small way.
Cheers for all the pointers, a mutual friend who also noticed the marks but didn't say anything is 99% sure she is attention seeking. Thing is we had been working together at uni all day, and I didn't notice anything, it was just when she reached to grab the menu at the pub and her bracelet/bangle thing slipped and I saw lots of red lines across her wrist, and naturally asked her about it, when she showed me the other wrist, which was the same. Turns out as well she is seeing a psychiatrist for her other "issues" but reckons she's kept her wrists well out of view of them. I don't know what else I can do really, I've tried to help her many times with the other issues she had, but again she didn't want to know.
I am thinking of going to the university staff and speaking to someone about this, even though it could well be attention seeking, for obvious reasons I don't want to just write it off as that and do nothing. I do know her parents quite well, and another uni friend has suggested speaking to them, which I'm tempted to do; as I said I can't just sit back and potentially watch her do something much worse, would rather she got herself sorted out quickly.
I am thinking of going to the university staff and speaking to someone about this, even though it could well be attention seeking, for obvious reasons I don't want to just write it off as that and do nothing. I do know her parents quite well, and another uni friend has suggested speaking to them, which I'm tempted to do; as I said I can't just sit back and potentially watch her do something much worse, would rather she got herself sorted out quickly.
Don't force her to talk because she won't and doing so will actually make her even more defensive because its like you're attacking.
Just make it clear you are open to listening to her and then leave it at that and keep yourself open to her. If something is wrong then it will probably take a lot of willpower for her to open up about it, so she needs to feel comfortable and trusting.
Dismissing it as just a bit of attention seeking like others are saying is a pretty weak way to shun any responsibility as a friend. Anyone who goes to the length of harming themselves needs a bit of care and understanding to find out why they are doing it.
Not everyone is a super stoic, strong minded PHer that can handle everything on their own without ever calling out for help.
Just make it clear you are open to listening to her and then leave it at that and keep yourself open to her. If something is wrong then it will probably take a lot of willpower for her to open up about it, so she needs to feel comfortable and trusting.
Dismissing it as just a bit of attention seeking like others are saying is a pretty weak way to shun any responsibility as a friend. Anyone who goes to the length of harming themselves needs a bit of care and understanding to find out why they are doing it.
Not everyone is a super stoic, strong minded PHer that can handle everything on their own without ever calling out for help.
AJS- said:
Agree with the attention seeking hypothtesis I'm afraid.
Just tell her to pull herself together and stop being silly.
Not great advice tbh, knowing someone who's self harmed they've done it as a release of tension. Much as it might sound silly, as unnecessary, as 'a bit emo' all day long, it doesn't do anything other than alienate the person and make them more inclined to continue to do it and not open up as other people wouldn't understand.Just tell her to pull herself together and stop being silly.
The upside is that it's a short term thing, whatever's bothering her is present and it's her way of dealing with it. In other situations it's potentially part of a personality disorder which opens up a whole new world of issues
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