Share Your Jokes

[Flintstone]

Here's one to start with.

A man threw a drum and a cymbal out of a window.

Boom-boom tssscchh.

(Geddit?)

[Wacky Racer]

Flintstone said:

Here's one to start with. A man threw a drum and a cymbal out of a window. Boom-boom tssscchh. (Geddit?)

13 Nappies on a line....Which one was German?







The one with the bismarck.......

[docevi1]

A blonde got fired from the M&M factory. She kept throwing out all the W's.

[Flintstone]

Eskimo goes to New Zealand for a holiday and is walking along the road eating an ice-cream which has melted all over his face.

A passing Kiwi says "Hey mate, looks like you've blown a seal" to which the eskimo replies "So what? You lot sheep!"

[Ex-Biker]

Hello Paul

Jokes then . . . My mum sent me this . . . it's a bit long.

Ted was speaking to the vicar at his church. "I have a problem, my wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons, and it's embarrasing"
"I know the thing" replies the vicar. "take a pin and when I see her nod off, I'll motion to you to give her a little jab".
The following Sunday the vicar see's Ted's wife dozing, so he began the plan. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he asked, nodding to Ted.
"Jesus!" cried Ted's wife as he jabbed her. "That's right" comfirmed the vicar.
Sonn she was off again. "And who is your redeemer?". A nod to Ted. "God!" the poor woman yelled. "Right again" smiled the vicar.
Before long she was off again, but the vicar was getting carried away with his sermon by now and shaking his head wildly. Ted mistook the signals and gave his wife a hefty jab just as the vicar asked "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Ted's wife shrieked "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half and shove it up your arse!!!!"

[kitcarman]

SUPERSEXFAN

Old lady in a nursing home has the hots for a bloke in the same home.

So she makes a few suggestive gestures but gets no response.

Concerned, she visits her GP to ask his advice.

The doctor checks her over and says there’s no reason why she shouldn’t enjoy super sex. He advises that she should be less subtle and more provocative.

So she toddles off to Ann Summers and got a real sexy outfit, suspenders, fishnets and peephole bra. Puts it on, covers up temporarily with a white nurses dress and goes to see her ‘lover’.

She strolls up to him undoing the buttons of the dress whilst asking “would you like super sex”

Startled the old boy looked up and said “I beg you pardon madam, but I’m slightly deaf”

The old lady ripped open her dress and shouted

WOULD YOU LIKE…….SUPER SEX

The old boy thought for a moment, the replied “Yes please……..






. . . . . . . . . . . .I’ll have the soup”

[dandarez]

not a joke (well, spose it cud be!) but I found it amusing. On the A40 about 3 miles east of Burford, Oxon, the dreaded speed camera there has been literally floored - bloody amazing how much concrete is around the base to hold it up (not that it's vertical anymore!). Must have taken a fair bit to uproot it.

[kitcarman]

dandarez said:

On the A40 about 3 miles east of Burford, Oxon, the dreaded speed camera there has been literally floored - bloody amazing how much concrete is around the base to hold it up (not that it's vertical anymore!). Must have taken a fair bit to uproot it.

There’s one on a main rat run between my place and the art studio. Don’t know how many times I’ve been flashed, but haven’t yet got a ticket.

I was considering “splating” its lens with a paint ball gun!!!!

I didn’t think of running the thing over.

Den
Peter mate, can I borrow your motor


>> Edited by kitcarman on Tuesday 28th October 01:16

[peetbee]

dandarez said:

not a joke (well, spose it cud be!) but I found it amusing. On the A40 about 3 miles east of Burford, Oxon, the dreaded speed camera there has been literally floored - bloody amazing how much concrete is around the base to hold it up (not that it's vertical anymore!). Must have taken a fair bit to uproot it.

It wasn't quite flat when I drove past it a couple of days ago, obviously someones been back and finished it off!

[kitcarman]

There were two queer Irishmen.

William Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwilliam

Boom Boom!

Den

[Ferg]

Den,
As someone of Irish ancestry I'm offended, surely they could just as easily been Englishmen.
For example,

B.Fillpeter and ..........oh, wait a minute, perhaps not.

[li'l pugs]

Ferg said:

Den, As someone of Irish ancestry I'm offended, surely they could just as easily been Englishmen. For example, B.Fillpeter and ..........oh, wait a minute, perhaps not.

Do you mean Ben Dover and Phil McKavity ?

[kitcarman]

Now we're offending the Scott's

I think we need PC lessons and I'm not talking computers

Den

>> Edited by kitcarman on Tuesday 28th October 18:49

[li'l pugs]

kitcarman said:

Now we're offending the Scott's I think we need PC lessons and I'm not talking computers Den >> Edited by kitcarman on Tuesday 28th October 18:49

I'm half scottish and not offended......can't tell you which half though

[spartan_andy]

there's a third phil Mcrevice

[Flintstone]

Two dyslexics sitting on a park bench.

One asks "Can you smell gas?".

His mate replies "Bugger off, I can't even spell my own name".

[spartan_andy]

dyslexia rools ko



Seriously though which a$$hole gave a disability where people can't spell a name like dyslexia

[tigerk]

I had a mate was a dyslexic, athiest, insomniac

he used to lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog

[Size Nine Elm]

spartan_andy said:

dyslexia rools ko Seriously though which a$$hole gave a disability where people can't spell a name like dyslexia

Did you know dyslexia is an anagram of "daily sex"?

[anonymous-user]

Or that DNA stands for the National Dyslexics Association.

And yes, I did have to check the spelling first, just to make sure