OT: politicspeek, I laughed!!
Discussion
Sent to me by friends in US have a laugh!
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of politics.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS
TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumor has it.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED
BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS
FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you bullshit.
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of politics.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS
TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumor has it.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED
BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS
FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you bullshit.
To add my twopennorth to the entertainment...
On the differences between men and women . . .
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He
asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few
nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.
They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither
one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you
realise that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six
months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very
loud silence.
She thinks to herself: "Gee, I wonder if it bothers him that
I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe
he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he
doesn't want, or isn't sure of."
And Roger is thinking: "Gosh. Six months."
And Elaine is thinking: "But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so
I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the
way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we
just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we
heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I
ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?"
And Roger is thinking: ". . . so that means it was . . . let's see . .
..February when we started going out, which was right after I had the
car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . .
Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here."
And Elaine is thinking: "He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe
I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed --
even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations.
Yes, I bet that's it.
That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings.
He's afraid of being rejected."
And Roger is thinking: "And I'm gonna have them look at the
transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not
shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather
this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is
shifting like a damn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves
$600."
And Elaine is thinking: "He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be
angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the
way I feel. I'm just not sure."
And Roger is thinking: "They'll probably say it's only a 90- day
warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumbags."
And Elaine is thinking: "Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right
next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I
truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who
is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy."
And Roger is thinking: "Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them
a damn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their
....."
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning
to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . . I feel so ..... . "
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I
really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no
horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,
tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he
thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him
to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it
involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured
soul, and weeps until dawn. When Roger gets back to his place, he
opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply
involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never
heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that
something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure
there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better
if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world
hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In
painstaking detail, they will analyse everything she said and everything
he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word,
expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every
possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and
on,
for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but
never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend
of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:
"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
On the differences between men and women . . .
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He
asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few
nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.
They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither
one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you
realise that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six
months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very
loud silence.
She thinks to herself: "Gee, I wonder if it bothers him that
I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe
he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he
doesn't want, or isn't sure of."
And Roger is thinking: "Gosh. Six months."
And Elaine is thinking: "But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so
I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the
way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we
just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we
heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I
ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?"
And Roger is thinking: ". . . so that means it was . . . let's see . .
..February when we started going out, which was right after I had the
car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . .
Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here."
And Elaine is thinking: "He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe
I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed --
even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations.
Yes, I bet that's it.
That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings.
He's afraid of being rejected."
And Roger is thinking: "And I'm gonna have them look at the
transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not
shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather
this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is
shifting like a damn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves
$600."
And Elaine is thinking: "He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be
angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the
way I feel. I'm just not sure."
And Roger is thinking: "They'll probably say it's only a 90- day
warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumbags."
And Elaine is thinking: "Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right
next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I
truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who
is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy."
And Roger is thinking: "Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them
a damn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their
....."
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning
to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . . I feel so ..... . "
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I
really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no
horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,
tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he
thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him
to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it
involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured
soul, and weeps until dawn. When Roger gets back to his place, he
opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply
involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never
heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that
something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure
there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better
if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world
hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In
painstaking detail, they will analyse everything she said and everything
he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word,
expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every
possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and
on,
for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but
never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend
of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:
"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
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