Anyone want to be a literary critic?

[Ayahuasca]

First draft of the first chapter of a story I am messing about with...

It was going to be the prologue to the main story but it got longer and longer so I made it Chapter 1.


All reviews are welcome...don't be gentle..!

Cheers.


http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/Hawkwood/133972...

[davepoth]

One thing I've learned is show, don't tell. I would also try to cut down on the use of adjectives and find more descriptive nouns to fit instead, but that's probably personal taste.

-edit-

In the second chapter you reference the Beaufort Scale. A quick check of wikipedia suggests that doesn't exist until 1805. I'd take that as a good opportunity to go to town on describing the sea; surely a sailor will have a few words to say on that cruel mistress...

Edited by davepoth on Monday 7th April 21:49

-edit-

I see we've moved to the modern day, my previous point is moot.

Edited by davepoth on Monday 7th April 21:50

[Ayahuasca]

Thanks!

[singlecoil]

I'm not going to comment on the quality of the storytelling, or on how well it is likely to meet the needs of its intended market, as it's really not my sort of thing. But the writing is in desperate need of editing.

For instance, in the third sentence you have a phrase in quotation marks, but who are you quoting? And does it really need to be there? Are you writing a novel or a history book?


Assuming it's a novel, then you need to involve your reader right from the start. There's no better way of doing that than by starting in media res. Start in the middle of something exciting, and for maximum effect, choose a single viewpoint character and use deep penetration. We want to know not only what the character experiences and does, we want to know how he feels about it.

[Ayahuasca]

Cheers. The quotes appeared on the writerscafe website for some reason - I didn't put them there!

Chapter one is really just a prologue I might chop it out completely if it doesn't work Chapter two is the original Chapter One with more of a story and less scene setting. Did you make it that far?

[coppice]

Only read the first page - deliberately as if you can't hook your reader within the first few paragraphs then it won't work . And it doesn't work yet- as said above , far too many gratuitous adjectives and most of them just describing the obvious. Don't scene set like this- just grab the reader by the throat. No need to start at the beginning - anywhere can work, even the end .For how to do it , read the opening page of Enduring Love by Ian McEwan .