Discussion
Hi all,
As some of you will have read, we have spent the last 4years going through IVF, 4 attempts, many painful hours spent, and untold emotions spilled by both myself and the wife. The most recent ending this week with yet another unsuccessful course, and an extremely drained, exhausted wife. I can do nothing to make it better.
Then today, a true Ray of sunshine seems to have come through. The wife/mother in laws friend, who is, single mum (13yr old daughter), self employed hairdresser, no partner, great friendship with her daughter, who has offered to be a surrogate for us. she is in very good health, has been considering this for the last few months, but never been able to find the "right" time to approach it with us. This lady is extremely level headed, but in her words are that she loved being pregnant, would do anything to help us, and would love to help us and carry a child for us.
This is genuinely the best news we have had in 4years, we have today contacted her about coming round for a meal and a long chat. Her daughter and parents are aware, and all fully supportive. This really is the only realistic chance we have at the moment of having a baby, and this lady has seen the pain we have been through. She has no intention of extending her family, as she loves the life her and her daughter have, to me, she seems in the perfect position to put this amazing offer to us. Totally out of the blue, never saw it coming at all.
So, has anyone been through this? Got experience in this situation? Once we have sat down and spoken with her, we will all know more.
She was adopted as a child, and all she ever wanted as a teenager was to have a child of her own, which came easily for her. She knows the emotions we have been through, and also she knows it from the other side, and carries no animosity towards her biological mother, and understands why she made the decisions she did. She knows her, and is in regular contact, but really believes that mum is who loves, cares, and picks up your pieces, not the cells which split at the beginning. this isn't a perfect world we live in, and sometimes we are met with bigger problems than we imagine possible, but sometimes, just sometimes things start to look good again. I'm not jumping the gun, or getting over excited, but any hope, is some hope at the moment.
As some of you will have read, we have spent the last 4years going through IVF, 4 attempts, many painful hours spent, and untold emotions spilled by both myself and the wife. The most recent ending this week with yet another unsuccessful course, and an extremely drained, exhausted wife. I can do nothing to make it better.
Then today, a true Ray of sunshine seems to have come through. The wife/mother in laws friend, who is, single mum (13yr old daughter), self employed hairdresser, no partner, great friendship with her daughter, who has offered to be a surrogate for us. she is in very good health, has been considering this for the last few months, but never been able to find the "right" time to approach it with us. This lady is extremely level headed, but in her words are that she loved being pregnant, would do anything to help us, and would love to help us and carry a child for us.
This is genuinely the best news we have had in 4years, we have today contacted her about coming round for a meal and a long chat. Her daughter and parents are aware, and all fully supportive. This really is the only realistic chance we have at the moment of having a baby, and this lady has seen the pain we have been through. She has no intention of extending her family, as she loves the life her and her daughter have, to me, she seems in the perfect position to put this amazing offer to us. Totally out of the blue, never saw it coming at all.
So, has anyone been through this? Got experience in this situation? Once we have sat down and spoken with her, we will all know more.
She was adopted as a child, and all she ever wanted as a teenager was to have a child of her own, which came easily for her. She knows the emotions we have been through, and also she knows it from the other side, and carries no animosity towards her biological mother, and understands why she made the decisions she did. She knows her, and is in regular contact, but really believes that mum is who loves, cares, and picks up your pieces, not the cells which split at the beginning. this isn't a perfect world we live in, and sometimes we are met with bigger problems than we imagine possible, but sometimes, just sometimes things start to look good again. I'm not jumping the gun, or getting over excited, but any hope, is some hope at the moment.
I havn't been through that stage, but know some that have. There is a good forum, try http://www.carefertility.com/ivf/ Place any questions you have there as those ladies have been through it all. You need to think along the lines of whether you are using her eggs or your wife's, your sperm or a donor etc. Try not to get too caught up in the emotion of the end result for now, focus on how the genetics will work for you and that both you and the wife can cope with the result. If you fertilised the friend's eggs and used those it would essentially be you having a child with another woman. If you used your wife's and your embryo then she has no genetic imprint on the child. Not meaning to put a damper on things, but you need to think it through well. Hope it all works out well for you xx
SplatSpeed said:
is it a good idea to do with someone you know??
With options as limited as ours appear to be over the last few years, and only getting slimmer, any hope is a good idea at the moment. I take your point, and it was initially one which i raised. However, the circumstances of this ladys life, we know all about, she brought the offer to us after much consideration. To be honest, providing it is all legally correct, and we are all 100% clear with each other, i think that it being someone we know is better than it just being a stranger, both short term and long term. Yes it could all go tits up, no doubt about it, but i would always rather regret doing something than not. Its not an easy situation to explain on a forum or in person to people outside that situation. The initial reaction is often just like yours...really? is that smart? but what if, what it? and many of them fair points. I would even say the same things from the outside, but all considerations, are being taken on board, and all possibilities openly discussed from the outset. some easier conversations than others.
Will have a look at that other link, thanks.
I offered to be a surrogate to my cousin a few years ago. She had one son but unfortunately had lots of problems afterwards. She and her husband a tried for another for a while with no success and due to fact they already had a a child they where not elligable for IVF.
I loved being pregnant but did not want another child myself. I don't think I could have been a surrogate to someone I didn't know - I was happy to do it for them as I saw what great parents they already were and we share the same views and morales.
They thought long and hard about it, and other options they may have, when amazingly they became pregnant naturally.
All I can say is think very long and hard about it between yourself and your wife. Discuss all the pros and cons and practicalities. Then when you are ready sit down with this lady and go through any questions/concerns you have with her.
She sounds like she has already thought hard about it, and also sounds like she does have her head screwed on.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
I loved being pregnant but did not want another child myself. I don't think I could have been a surrogate to someone I didn't know - I was happy to do it for them as I saw what great parents they already were and we share the same views and morales.
They thought long and hard about it, and other options they may have, when amazingly they became pregnant naturally.
All I can say is think very long and hard about it between yourself and your wife. Discuss all the pros and cons and practicalities. Then when you are ready sit down with this lady and go through any questions/concerns you have with her.
She sounds like she has already thought hard about it, and also sounds like she does have her head screwed on.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
AMLK said:
I loved being pregnant but did not want another child myself.
This is exactly what she has said, She loved it, and would love to experience it all again, but for that, the experience of it. She has been saying how it came easy to her, but having another child just isn't an option in her mind. She has a great relationship with her teenage daughter, and doesn't want to bring a baby into what is a perfect setup for them. But is really serious about the offer to help us achieve what seems to be an impossible thing somedays. Lots of talking to be done, and thinking, its not the best option in the world, but as i've said before, we don't live in a perfect world, things aren't always simple, and we have to do the best with what we have got.
AMLK the offer you made will have meant the world to them, i cant think of a kinder thing that someone could do.
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