A discussion about death and dying

[anonymous-user]

[redacted]

[bluto]

I dont know to be honest. A couple of weeks ago i nearly lost my baby @21weeks, the decision if i had got to deliver her was for me to be by myself as i wouldnt want anyone else around me. Almost as if you go into the zone, do whats needed and deal with the emotions later, people being right with me would make me more aware of feelings etc at a time when i needed my own head space to manage the situation. So from this i assume the same would be if i were on my deathbed, although being in that actual situation would probably change my mind. May also depend on how harrowing the death was to be, - a quiet one where im likely to slip away whilst asleep hopefully wouldnt cause too much pain for those around me.

Sorry to hear about your dad xxx

[Pickled Piper]

Yes,

i would want close family around, but going about their business as normally as is possible under the circumstances. Popping in to chat and see how I am etc

I certainly wouldn't want them seated around my bed tearfully looking on, waiting for me to expire.

Perhaps ask your Dad?

All the best for you and your family during this difficult time.

pp

[Soovy]

Sorry to hear this.

Be there for him. He needs you.

[snowy slopes]

I am in the same boat as you, although my dad is suffering with stomach cancer and i think has decided to give up and die. Sadly he has decided he wants to stay in the local hospice(in hertfordshire, i live in south yorkshire) and not spend his last days at home with his family. If it were me it hink i would want them there to say last goodbyes, but he apparently doesnt want that. If you want to chat about this, then pm me and maybe we can commiserate each other.

[Soovy]

I went through this a couple of years back.

He may SAY he doesn't want you there. He's trying to protect you. It's what Dad's do.

[B.J.W]

anonymous said:

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From what you have typed above I think you have answered your own question. Although you have not said it as such, there is a strong inference from the above that your Dad is gaining comfort from his close family being around him.

He has retained a good sense of humour, which suggests that he is at peace with himself and what is going to happen. Based on your post - he hasn't said anything to suggest that he doesn't want you around. He know's he is loved...and there is no greater demonstration of this (at this time) than seeing you when he is lucid.

Your mum sounds like a rock... she is not going to leave your fathers' side.... don't underestimate how much she needs you and your sisters right now (even if she is not saying it out loud).

From experience, dealing with the fact that someone you love is going to die can make you approach things in a very business like manner (defense mechanism)... almost to the point where, on the face of it, you seem to be coping well (perhaps 'too' well). If this describes your mum then make sure you take time to talk to her too.

[Stablelad]

My Dad is very frail now. I spend many hours every day thinking about what is best for him and my Mum who essentially cares for him but is slowly getting worn away by it all .

Unfortunately I can't reach any coherent conclusions that would work for all party's involved. It's a horrible time in life. Sorry to hear about your own problems PH peeps. Hang in there.


Ali

[ShadownINja]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

Sorry to hear about your dad. Hope his final days are pleasant ones. Glad he retains his humour and is not in any pain.

And that's the thing, if my family are going to be misery guts on my last days, I'd rather they buggered off and leave me to it. If not, and I have enough energy, I'd go somewhere fun (fun being the individual's choice). The last thing I'd want is everyone crying and being miserable around me, getting me down.

In John Diamond's "C: Because Cowards Get Cancer Too", he talks about how everyone in his ward would pretend to be asleep while their relatives visited because they were all depressed and depressing. Once they left, the patients would perk up and chat amongst themselves.

[BazT]

Sorry to hear this.

A family friend died after similar cancer recently. I'd known him on and off pretty much my whole life as one of dad's child-hood buddies.

He'd suffered for quite some time but was still very active and such a character, it was obvious things were detereorating last time i saw him though as he kept calling me 'Pete' - my dad's name. The cancer took hold very strongly and he got worse quickly and sadly went to sleep and didn't wake up.

It made me think alot about things, and i think my opinion would be the same as PP said, i'd want to feel cared about but wouldn't want to put anyone out or upset them.

Good luck through this difficult time.

[Tumbler]

My Mum really didn't want to watch my Dad draw his last breath, but my BiL decided he would go and fetch her in the middle of the night, she even told the hospital she didn't want to be called. I ended up taking her back home, he passed away as I put her key in the front door, I think he wanted to spare her the pain.

Mum also found it very difficult to get time alone with him, due to the masses of grandchildren, and ex wife (whom he hated) who suddenly rushed to his bedside, at one point I took Mum to the hospital prior to vising hours and fortunately the nurses let Mum have an hour alone with him.

I think it's a very personal choice, I would much rather spend time with people in life than death, my eldest sister hadn't seen our Dad in over 10 years, and yet she came rushing to his bedside when he was in a coma in intensive care, I think he would have given anything to have seen her at any other time, I know before his death he had ask to speak with my BiL and again he didn't get to see him prior to his heart attack, no idea what he wanted to say, but knowing my dad it must have meant a great deal to him.

Despite my Dad being a cantankerous old bugger in life, I always visited often and was the only one of his three daughters to see him on the day of his heart attack, we had a nice two hour chat and I knew something wasn't right but thought it was his asthma playing him up. He was a brilliant Grandfather to my two girls and I know that the time he spent with them over the years has been very good for my girls and he appreciated them in away I never saw with anyone else in his life.

Thinking of you x

[captainmatt]

Sorry to hear about your Dad fella.

From working a Hospice in Kent, I know how important it is to many patients that their family are around them when they die. A lot of the time, a patient will not be aware as they head closer to death, but I still think it is a good thing for their family to be around them.

If the staff where your Dad is are worth their salt at all then they will be there to support you and the rest of your family as and when it happens.
I think you should be there, but as mentioned above make sure individual people get time with him if they want it.

[rich1231]

You will never get back these moments with him, spend time and listen.

[missdiane]

Sorry to hear this,
We stayed as much as we could with my father in law,
However as we were spending every hour at the hospital with several false alarms as to when he was going to go, we had decided to leave at nights to get some sleep, he got ill on the Friday and passed away on Thursday 5am, we weren't there, we'd left at 10pm.

We went to see him straight away; he was still warm - sorry, morbid but important when you just lose them, as you still feel like they are there.
It was very peaceful to see him not struggling for breath anymore, I would thoroughly recommend that to anyone- see them when they are at peace, else your last memory will be of him in pain or with harsh breaths. If you can stomach it.

To be honest he was so dosed up with drugs, after Tuesday lunchtime I don't think he would have known we were there

If directed at me, I would choose to be alone so my family aren't on edge and getting stressed waiting for the last breath.

Edited by missdiane on Tuesday 26th October 19:19

[Loopyleesa]

Sorry to hear this, I know what you're going through.

My mum died of the same evil cancer 6 years ago. Sadly she died in the hospice as just not able to go home. They sedated her 24 hours before she took her final breath as they knew it was very near.
It was done in the nicest possible way as we all had chance to have a few private words with her and to actually say goodbye. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

But sat there waiting for her to die was horrendous.

But we also wouldn't of done it any other way. There's no way she would of died alone.

Be there for your dad, make his remaining time, family time.

My thoughts go out to you and your family at this very sad time

[staceyb]

I'm in the same position with my Granda, he is sick of everyone visiting to see him one more time and fuss over him (he has been told it will be days/weeks rather than months), but I have learnt more about his life:

Losing his Mum aged 3 and hating his brother for killing her
Moving to Ireland
Getting a new Mum
Moving back to post-war London
Being the eldest of 8 children
Joining the Army
Meeting my Nan
Becoming a Master Carpenter for Swan Hunter
Losing his job and becoming a joiner with the local council and being bored with hanging doors so he made his apprentice do all the work whilst he made hand-carved rocking horses
My Mam as a kid
Being chuffed when he got me as an eldest Granchild,

and so much more than I ever knew about him has been amazing. I can't imagine not spending as much time as possible with him, and giving my Nan who has been amazing a break because we don't know how much long he his going to keep going.

[ApexJimi]

Personally speaking, nothing this side of my own demise would see me staying away from my parents were they to be in a similar situation to yours Isaac.

Make the most of this time, and be there for both your Mum and your Dad.

I'm glad to hear your Dad isn't in pain, and still has his sense of humour - Best wishes mate

[drivin_me_nuts]

Isaac this is such a difficult situation to be in. We have pretty much told people to keep away from our lives at the moment, mainly because we don't want to upset them. When it comes close to dying I think something else also comes into play and it's the balance to be made between the wishes of the person themselves and the people who, for want of a very lame word have unfinished business and also the nearest and deerest who have a fundamental need to be there. For every person involved they really mdo need to ask themselves if the last memory they want of the person dying is the person in the bed. In fact if I was the closest person involved, I would go so far as to ask each and every one of them directly if that's the case. Dying is rarely a 'beautiful thing' to watch. It is often distressing at multiple levels and it takes up pretty much all the senses. From what I recall of grandmother's death it certainly didn't help my mother's family being there - it caused a lot of emotional upset and also there is something else to consider and that's the risk of deathbed misunderstandings - things that are said that are misinterpreted and misunderstood that can play merry hell with people for a long time. I wish there was an easy answer to your question, but I think that also your gut feeling will kick into play and all you can do is go by that.

[B.J.W]

drivin_me_nuts said:

We have pretty much told people to keep away from our lives at the moment, mainly because we don't want to upset them

Not my intention to pry (or to divert from the OP), but what is happening with you at the moment DMN?

[B.J.W]

anonymous said:

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