Threat of violence ?

[LancelotGobbo]

An alternate name has been created and to the mods, I apologize. However, I'm not sure how to move forward with this, so I wanted to post anonymously to ask a PH opinion.

I won't go into the full on details as I reckon they're not relevant to the story - however, my girlfriend and I have been going through a really unpleasant patch lately and this has taken its toll on our relationship and, to be frank, my (and her) sanity.

However, yesterday was a whole other stty low - Again, I'll spare the details, but there was an argument (she called me in the day for a shouting argument which, as I was at work, I did not appreciate). I got home late from work and she ignored me for a bit while she pissed about and then announced that (at 730) she was going out to her friends house. I demanded to know why she was being like she was and I accused her of over reacting to which she picked up a largish blunt object and said "do you want me to smash this in your face".

She went out and didn't come back until about 11. The argument continued - she told me that her friend didn't think she was overreacting - when I said to her "so threatening to smash this (picking up the object) in my face isn't overreacting", she said that she was so angry at me and wanted me to understand how angry she was and how angry I and the situation had made her and that she "wouldn't have done it really". If I'd've done that, I'm pretty sure she would have either laughed in my face or responded in kind - and held it against me.

So this morning, I'm up and out and back at work, sat here with my heart pounding in my chest, ignoring customers, with nowhere to turn, wondering how the hell I got to a place where my girlfriend is so angry at me that she's threatening me with a blunt object and how it was that a loving relationship has gone so crappy. And, ultimately, how to move on from this - Or am I over reacting?

Funnily enough, as I type this, I think I know what I need to do.

Larry

[V8mate]

You must have some clue as to why she's so angry with you.

[Munter]

Go home and change the locks while shes at work. Then FedEx all her stuff to her office/workplace.

[dundarach]

You might get a lot of responses here - or not many we'll wait and see, however I guess if it's over it's over - get it sorted out fast and you can both move on.

Or alternatively try talking, maybe somewhere public like a pub we're you'll be less inclined to shout at one another.

What causes the trouble?
Are you both innocent of other crimes?
Do you want to fix it up?

And I guess, what financial restraints are on you both?
Do you have lots of joint friends?

Calm head son - calm head.

And in true pistonheads fashion: 1. Is she fit? 2. Can we have a photo?

Look after yourself!

[LancelotGobbo]

V8mate said:

You must have some clue as to why she's so angry with you.

I do, but I don't want to go in to the whole raft of problems as it's something that's been ongoing for a few months - this one, however, was preempted by my telling her that my sister doesn't like her (something that I wish my sister hadn't told me). No, I didn't want to tell my girlfriend that, but it was obvious and my girlfriend admitted that she knew anyway.

Does that excuse her response then?

[dundarach]

Families....

The order of things in the house should be:

You and Her
The Fish / Dog / Cat
TV / Car
Beer
Food
.
.
.
Friends
Family
Work

Why does your sister not like her...?

[LancelotGobbo]

dundarach said:

Why does your sister not like her...?

Long story - I'm not sure that her general dislike of her is warranted (I'm not going to go in to it here) - but the dislike is clear.

[Fort Jefferson]

LancelotGobbo said:

she picked up a largish blunt object and said "do you want me to smash this in your face".

Your relationship is over, move on.

[V8mate]

If you're going to respond to all questions with 'not going into it here', it's going to be pretty hard for people to offer any advice.

However, if someone even suggested being violent in a relationship - whether they felt they could laugh it off or not - I'd be starting to make preparations to move on.

[LancelotGobbo]

V8mate said:

If you're going to respond to all questions with 'not going into it here', it's going to be pretty hard for people to offer any advice.

However, if someone even suggested being violent in a relationship - whether they felt they could laugh it off or not - I'd be starting to make preparations to move on.

Ok, you have a point - there have been some lies (mine - which I felt we'd moved on from), difficulties surrounding my family's acceptance of my girlfriend and the fact that when something's been dealt with - they're raked back up. I've not been the perfect boyfriend by a long shot and we are (were) trying to rebuild our relationship but whenever it seems like we're picking things up, something brings us (her) back down - she says that she's tired of trying to make my family (my sister especially) accept her and that it's their loss.

[rocksteadyeddie]

This probably comes down to some of the basics of the relationship: How long you have been together? Do you have kids? Can you be bothered to go through the hard yards to sort it out?

[LancelotGobbo]

rocksteadyeddie said:

This probably comes down to some of the basics of the relationship: How long you have been together? Do you have kids? Can you be bothered to go through the hard yards to sort it out?

2 and a half Years. No. And after last night, I just don't know.

[dundarach]

although it would take some doing - and I'm not for one minute suggesting that is her fault before people start jumping on me - but the line about 'something brings her down' - speaking from someone who's had depression in a relationship, this rings alarm bells.

if she's up and down - perhaps not letting things go, she might be suffering from depression, I know I was and it cocked up a relationship in the past.

however also her friends supporting her, are they or are they genuinely not seeing the bigger picture.

i would be asking of my self: am I innocent or not, is she right or wrong

just a thought

[V8mate]

Why do you think your family don't like her?

Is it a problem with them or her?

[LancelotGobbo]

dundarach said:

although it would take some doing - and I'm not for one minute suggesting that is her fault before people start jumping on me - but the line about 'something brings her down' - speaking from someone who's had depression in a relationship, this rings alarm bells.

if she's up and down - perhaps not letting things go, she might be suffering from depression, I know I was and it cocked up a relationship in the past.

however also her friends supporting her, are they or are they genuinely not seeing the bigger picture.

i would be asking of my self: am I innocent or not, is she right or wrong

just a thought

On the question of depression, she insists that she's not depressed as she's "happy enough at work" but not happy at home. She'll listen to one friend, but won't generally listen to her Mum and, when we went for counselling, dismissed the counsellor as a "crank" and made it plain that she was having nothing to do with the session by just agreeing with everything to get it over with.

Am I innocent? No, I know I've hurt and upset her and I'm trying to make amends, but by her own (and her mother's) admissions, she's never let things go.

[LancelotGobbo]

V8mate said:

Why do you think your family don't like her?

Is it a problem with them or her?

A bit of both - they see her as a destructive person and she sees them (well, my sister) as "childish and pathetic for deciding that she (my sister) doesn't like her (my girlfriend)"

[st_files]

Really hard to comment without knowing what the motivation for her anger/emotions is/are. Was her threat with the blunt object really genuine or a "Look I am so angry I feel like smashing this in your face but of course I never would" kind of gesture?

[LancelotGobbo]

st_files said:

Really hard to comment without knowing what the motivation for her anger/emotions is/are. Was her threat with the blunt object really genuine or a "Look I am so angry I feel like smashing this in your face but of course I never would" kind of gesture?

I think the motivation is frustration and being fed up with being in, what is at the moment, a stty relationship - She picked up the object and made the threat, there, at the time, seem to be genuine anger there - she did, however, later say she wouldn't have done it, but the fact is that she did that anyway. And she didn't apologize for it.

[st_files]

It depends on so many things...

how long you've been together,
kids,
money,
has she a history of this?

There's clearly something terribly wrong and its just a question of how much you want to save the relationship....ie if you've been together 20 years and shes the mother of your kids then you'd want to pretty much do everything possible to sort it as opposed to some nightclub tug you've pulled which you may as well bin asap...

All obvious advice but really cant give any more than that based on the info so far....good luck!

[G0ldfysh]

your house?
she has friends she can visit late in the evening to discuss problems?

let her stay with them for longer, try to see if can make amends while she is living else where not under each others feet.

If don't work move on, will be easier as she's already out the house.