Dealing with terminal cancer
Discussion
Anyone had experience in dealing with teminal cancer in the family?
Both my father and father in law have had cancer virtually simultaneously over the last three years.
Father has had a couple of mouth tumors with the last one needing part of his jaw replaced with a bone graft and radiotherapy. Fingers crossed its now sorted.
Father in Law however has not been that lucky. Lung cancer resulted in removal of infected lung then a spore attached itself to spine between sholders resulting in a tumor on the spine. This was removed along with some bone and 'scaffolding' inserted.
Prognosis is that he has various cancer areas that will not go. The latest is circling the spine and the surgeons do not want to operate due to having to move the heart to get to the cancer. Radiotherapy is not an option as he has already had a high dosage to that area already.
They are now talking about Chemo or something called 'Heat' treatment but have said this will only shrink the cancer and not eradicate it.
In himself, he is very very lethargic and falls asleep at the drop of a hat. He has commented to me that he feels 'the end' is coming as he has no strength and can't stay awake. He is only 62 and up until the cancer walked everywhere and was very fit.
I am quietly thinking he has given up after 3 years of battling. His wife and his daughter (my wife) have become very angry one minute then crying uncontrollably. All this is completely understandable.
However, he has stopped going to councelling at the Big C centre which did help his mental state.
So, what can I do to try and promote a more 'positive' mental state in him. The surgeon's have said that with the heat treatment, it will shrink the cancer to increase his survival timescale but I think with his current mental state, nothing will help.
I guess, I am coping by trying to be positive but am I wrong? Should I just accept the situation. I must admit I feel guilty that my father is recovering from his cancer yet my wife's father is not. It all seems so unfair.
Any advice form those that have been in this situation would be greatly appreciated.
My mother has malignant melanoma cancer and a few months left to live...we all thought she would die last year, but no, she's still around.
The best way to deal with it is to accept it and carry on as normal.
....I'm guessing you're now going WTF? but it's far more stressful for the cancer riddled person to be concerned about their loved ones.
The best advice I can give is to just carry on as normal
The best way to deal with it is to accept it and carry on as normal.
....I'm guessing you're now going WTF? but it's far more stressful for the cancer riddled person to be concerned about their loved ones.
The best advice I can give is to just carry on as normal
condor said:
My mother has malignant melanoma cancer and a few months left to live...we all thought she would die last year, but no, she's still around.
The best way to deal with it is to accept it and carry on as normal.
....I'm guessing you're now going WTF? but it's far more stressful for the cancer riddled person to be concerned about their loved ones.
The best advice I can give is to just carry on as normal
Yup trying to carry on as normal but finding it hard to not come across too insensitive....I think we have all accepted that life for him is running out but its the mixture of emotions that is hard to deal with and knowing what to say.....the surgeon who did the spine operation said he was pleasantly surprised to see my father in law as he had really only expect 6-9 months life span....So we are borrowed time too...The best way to deal with it is to accept it and carry on as normal.
....I'm guessing you're now going WTF? but it's far more stressful for the cancer riddled person to be concerned about their loved ones.
The best advice I can give is to just carry on as normal
Paul Dishman said:
I'm sure you'll have thought of this, but has your father-in-laws GP put you in touch with the local palliative care team?
He has made contact with all the relevant people but its actually getting him to continue seeing them on a regular basis and not giving up that is becoming dificult I am afraid....You may find this useful:
http://www.macmillan.org.uk/
It's about quality of life. They could try (free) complementary therapies or counselling at a local cancer centre. It can make their last days happier.
All the best.
http://www.macmillan.org.uk/
It's about quality of life. They could try (free) complementary therapies or counselling at a local cancer centre. It can make their last days happier.
All the best.
KevF said:
Paul Dishman said:
I'm sure you'll have thought of this, but has your father-in-laws GP put you in touch with the local palliative care team?
He has made contact with all the relevant people but its actually getting him to continue seeing them on a regular basis and not giving up that is becoming dificult I am afraid....thanks for the contacts...Sat down with him yesterday and he mentione he felt as if 'the end' was coming as all he wants to do is sleep....
He has heard this morning that the surgeons want to offer something called 'heat treatment' to help shrink the cancer from around his spine. I only hope its soon as I feel now that if he is starting to give up, it may not happen....
He has heard this morning that the surgeons want to offer something called 'heat treatment' to help shrink the cancer from around his spine. I only hope its soon as I feel now that if he is starting to give up, it may not happen....
My mother died of cancer just over a year ago. It was 3 years of gradual decline. You start with hope at the first tratment, which leads to sadness at the 2nd and by the time the 3rd treat starts you are resigned to the inevitable.
I am thankful that Mum maintained dignity thoughout. My brother and I encouraged her to start the 3rd treatment because we could see that she declining fast and we now wonder if that was the wrong thing to do at the time. Mum knew what was coming and was not afraid it. Those last few months were definately the most tortuous I have ever experienced and I would not wish that on anyone.
The one thing that Mum did enjoy and always looked forward to was when her friends came round to spend some time with her, even just 30 mintutes was enough. She was incapable of doing anything herself and she too was constantly falling sleep. Her energy levels were so low even talking or looking at photos could be a problem.
The best advice I can give is to make the most of the time left and not to try too hard to let your own desires take precidence. My Mother knew before us her time was coming and she accepted that before we could come to terms with it. The desire to be in control ended up causing a huge rift with my step-father, a man I once greatly respected. It wasn't worth it and it has soured the final memory of a wonderful Mother.
The best advice I can offer is to give your wife the freedom to go see her dad and family whenever she needs to, I am thankful to my wife are the same. I am also thankful to my wife for pointing out to me was that I should concentrate on my Mother and not the treatment. I spent an awful lot of time talking about the treatment she was getting and when the next one was and not enough time telling my mother about her granddaughter. I had to be reminded, several times, that my mother just wanted to hear our voices and the that the treatments got in the way of that. When my Mother stopped her treatment, I realised that I was getting much better quality time with her and while death came sooner, there was relief at the end of her suffering. That's not to say her death wasn't utterly devesting, because it was. Its that watching her go through all she did was so much worse. There are things would change about how I coped and what I did.
If your father-in-law has accepted the end is near then its probably not worth trying to change that, make the most of what is left. Emotions run high and falling out is very easy to do.
OH, and I can not say enough good things about Macmillan nurses. They helped my mother a lot and they are nothing short of angles as far as I am concerned.
I am thankful that Mum maintained dignity thoughout. My brother and I encouraged her to start the 3rd treatment because we could see that she declining fast and we now wonder if that was the wrong thing to do at the time. Mum knew what was coming and was not afraid it. Those last few months were definately the most tortuous I have ever experienced and I would not wish that on anyone.
The one thing that Mum did enjoy and always looked forward to was when her friends came round to spend some time with her, even just 30 mintutes was enough. She was incapable of doing anything herself and she too was constantly falling sleep. Her energy levels were so low even talking or looking at photos could be a problem.
The best advice I can give is to make the most of the time left and not to try too hard to let your own desires take precidence. My Mother knew before us her time was coming and she accepted that before we could come to terms with it. The desire to be in control ended up causing a huge rift with my step-father, a man I once greatly respected. It wasn't worth it and it has soured the final memory of a wonderful Mother.
The best advice I can offer is to give your wife the freedom to go see her dad and family whenever she needs to, I am thankful to my wife are the same. I am also thankful to my wife for pointing out to me was that I should concentrate on my Mother and not the treatment. I spent an awful lot of time talking about the treatment she was getting and when the next one was and not enough time telling my mother about her granddaughter. I had to be reminded, several times, that my mother just wanted to hear our voices and the that the treatments got in the way of that. When my Mother stopped her treatment, I realised that I was getting much better quality time with her and while death came sooner, there was relief at the end of her suffering. That's not to say her death wasn't utterly devesting, because it was. Its that watching her go through all she did was so much worse. There are things would change about how I coped and what I did.
If your father-in-law has accepted the end is near then its probably not worth trying to change that, make the most of what is left. Emotions run high and falling out is very easy to do.
OH, and I can not say enough good things about Macmillan nurses. They helped my mother a lot and they are nothing short of angles as far as I am concerned.
Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff