Being alone for rest of your life
Discussion
Putting this in Health to hopefully avoid some of the usual comments, its not a pity party, just wonder if others are in this situation or made this choice and how they deal with it.
Quick background, was married for a long time, 2 kids, divorced a few years back, was single for a bit, then tried dating. I met someone and to start with it was going great and felt like it had real future, but then over time there was cracks, and for reasons, some down to me, some her, we split up.
On the one hand I see the benefits, I can have my house how I want it, spend as much time and money on my hobbies as I like, no moods or drama to deal with, etc. On the other I do already at times feel a bit lonely, and think what to I do without anyone to share my life and experiences with, big and little, want to go into to town and have a cocktail and nice meal, or I want to go on holiday. In the short term I have my daughters, we have a great relationship and even as they are now getting to adults they arent going to turn down a 5* holiday in the Italian lakes or wherever with dad, but eventually they will.
Why say be alone for the rest of my life? Because I cant face the pain of meeting someone else, and going through all that again. Not the initial meeting, but the effort and work you have to put into building a relationship, especially as Ive recently found it can be months and months and still go no where. Part of me thinks as well Im just not meant to be in one.
So not sure what I want or where I go from here. Not that I should care what others think but I do think there is a bit of a stigma around single men in the 40s/50s. Maybe Im wrong and not suggesting I be with someone to avoid that, but In my circle of friends and acquaintances there are a few divorcees, but none are single.
Quick background, was married for a long time, 2 kids, divorced a few years back, was single for a bit, then tried dating. I met someone and to start with it was going great and felt like it had real future, but then over time there was cracks, and for reasons, some down to me, some her, we split up.
On the one hand I see the benefits, I can have my house how I want it, spend as much time and money on my hobbies as I like, no moods or drama to deal with, etc. On the other I do already at times feel a bit lonely, and think what to I do without anyone to share my life and experiences with, big and little, want to go into to town and have a cocktail and nice meal, or I want to go on holiday. In the short term I have my daughters, we have a great relationship and even as they are now getting to adults they arent going to turn down a 5* holiday in the Italian lakes or wherever with dad, but eventually they will.
Why say be alone for the rest of my life? Because I cant face the pain of meeting someone else, and going through all that again. Not the initial meeting, but the effort and work you have to put into building a relationship, especially as Ive recently found it can be months and months and still go no where. Part of me thinks as well Im just not meant to be in one.
So not sure what I want or where I go from here. Not that I should care what others think but I do think there is a bit of a stigma around single men in the 40s/50s. Maybe Im wrong and not suggesting I be with someone to avoid that, but In my circle of friends and acquaintances there are a few divorcees, but none are single.
I'd suggest you're overthinking it. There are pros and cons to both as you note. Just let life take you where it does and enjoy the journey. You might meet your perfect partner with a relationship doesn't require the effort...or you might not.
You can't control either outcome, so why worry about it. The funny thing is, if you put yourself in the position to enjoy being single, it also makes it more likely that you'll meet someone new as you'll have said yes to more things, done interesting things, and visited interesting places.
You can't control either outcome, so why worry about it. The funny thing is, if you put yourself in the position to enjoy being single, it also makes it more likely that you'll meet someone new as you'll have said yes to more things, done interesting things, and visited interesting places.
I suspect time will make a difference to your view.
I got to 50 having never been married. A mix of relationships behind me - some good, some bad, some short, some long.
I can certainly see some benefits to being single - do what you want when you want - but there are some benefits to relationships too even if you don't necessarily believe they're forever. You don't have to treat every one as if it's a life commitment (and I did fine on the apps in my 40s).
I had come to terms with the fact that I'd never settle down permanently with somebody - relationships had (and would continue to) come and go, so I'd enjoy the single bits and the partner bits. Obviously the splitting up isn't great but I'm old enough to know you get over it.
Then, I met my (now) wife. First partner I've ever had where I'm literally 'me' 100% of the time. Quite how or why she puts up with me and was happy to marry me I have no idea but glad she did.
You don't have to map out your entire future. See how it goes - there will no doubt be good and bad, and there probably will be single periods etc. But there can / probably will be plenty of bits that aren't.
I got to 50 having never been married. A mix of relationships behind me - some good, some bad, some short, some long.
I can certainly see some benefits to being single - do what you want when you want - but there are some benefits to relationships too even if you don't necessarily believe they're forever. You don't have to treat every one as if it's a life commitment (and I did fine on the apps in my 40s).
I had come to terms with the fact that I'd never settle down permanently with somebody - relationships had (and would continue to) come and go, so I'd enjoy the single bits and the partner bits. Obviously the splitting up isn't great but I'm old enough to know you get over it.
Then, I met my (now) wife. First partner I've ever had where I'm literally 'me' 100% of the time. Quite how or why she puts up with me and was happy to marry me I have no idea but glad she did.
You don't have to map out your entire future. See how it goes - there will no doubt be good and bad, and there probably will be single periods etc. But there can / probably will be plenty of bits that aren't.
Scabutz said:
Why say be alone for the rest of my life? Because I cant face the pain of meeting someone else, and going through all that again. Not the initial meeting, but the effort and work you have to put into building a relationship, especially as Ive recently found it can be months and months and still go no where. Part of me thinks as well Im just not meant to be in one.
Two things. Firstly, the only thing worse than being alone is being with someone who makes you feel like you're alone.
Secondly, if/when you meet the right person, building a relationship won't be a lot of effort and work and it won't be going nowhere for months and months. It'll progress in a reasonable timeframe and will be easy and fun.
I'm in a similar position, divorced with 2 (older) children. After some earnest attempts at dating, I decided relationships weren't working for me, and I decided to get off the dating sites to just live my life.
After 3 years single, happily single, I decided I would create a dating profile for a strict 2-weeks every year and just roll the dice. Initially this wasn't terribly successful because I approached it with the same earnestness (is that a word?) I had previously which a) doesn't attract many women, and b) attracts the wrong type (for me). However, when I decided to just go at it somewhat more whimsically, I started to get loads of hits.
I'm in my late 50s and I'm not most women's ideal looking guy however I have good smile, thick hair, have some interesting, erm, interests (cars, drums, travel/road trips, cycling, dogs), and I have worked out how to appeal to some women without compromising who I am.
Although I've not made a permanent connection with anyone, I do enjoy my annual two weeks. It's like a holiday but once the two weeks are over and I have determined whatever connection I've made isn't going to last, I drop off the dating sites again and just live my life.
What's my advice?... find yourself first. Took me a while to realise this and although it may seem obvious, after 20 years married, I had utterly forgotten who I was before. It would be unfair to suggest "she" drove those elements out of me but within the circumstance of that marriage, I had let go of everything I had been. It's taken time to rebuild but I feel better than I have for years now.
After 3 years single, happily single, I decided I would create a dating profile for a strict 2-weeks every year and just roll the dice. Initially this wasn't terribly successful because I approached it with the same earnestness (is that a word?) I had previously which a) doesn't attract many women, and b) attracts the wrong type (for me). However, when I decided to just go at it somewhat more whimsically, I started to get loads of hits.
I'm in my late 50s and I'm not most women's ideal looking guy however I have good smile, thick hair, have some interesting, erm, interests (cars, drums, travel/road trips, cycling, dogs), and I have worked out how to appeal to some women without compromising who I am.
Although I've not made a permanent connection with anyone, I do enjoy my annual two weeks. It's like a holiday but once the two weeks are over and I have determined whatever connection I've made isn't going to last, I drop off the dating sites again and just live my life.
What's my advice?... find yourself first. Took me a while to realise this and although it may seem obvious, after 20 years married, I had utterly forgotten who I was before. It would be unfair to suggest "she" drove those elements out of me but within the circumstance of that marriage, I had let go of everything I had been. It's taken time to rebuild but I feel better than I have for years now.
You are focusing on the wrong things. A relationship is not about “not being alone”. In fact in the wrong relationship you can feel very alone. Loneliness is not about not being in a relationship. You need to think about what you enjoy in life, what motivates you and what new stuff you would like to try and get out there. You sound like you have no friends and that’s the issue more than not having a partner. Start doing things you enjoy and meeting people with similar interests
Scabutz said:
In the short term I have my daughters, we have a great relationship and even as they are now getting to adults they arent going to turn down a 5* holiday in the Italian lakes or wherever with dad, but eventually they will.
Try not to be negative, sounds like you are doing great with them. Keep putting in the effort and it will continue to reward you. Yes, they might go through a phase as young adults where they want to get out and explore the world by themselves, but that doesn't mean they won't be interested in going away with you. Especially as they get a bit older, maybe settle down, have kids of their own, etc, and want a big family holiday.Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff