Help! My son is ultra nasty to his mother....
Discussion
Long story short - my son (11) lives with his mother in Texas (I'm in the UK). The language and behaviour he's using towards her is mega unacceptable- what the hell can I do?? There's a few aspects that are our fault, obviously not being together and so far apart, but significantly we're sure his gaming time is affecting things too.
My ex is literally at her wits ends. If it makes any difference - he's a perfect pupil in school.
Critical comments are fine btw. Thanks.
My ex is literally at her wits ends. If it makes any difference - he's a perfect pupil in school.
Critical comments are fine btw. Thanks.
Next time you talk to him mention that you have witnessed it, explain that if someone spoke to him like that you'd likely or not knock the corners off them.
Ask how he'd feel if someone spoke to his friends that way.
A lot of the time people are beastly to their parents is because of the 'unconditional love' thing. No consequences emboldens the behaviour. 11 is still young enough that a fatherly word will sink in, and old enough to understand the impact.
Good luck, sounds a miserable bind to be in.
Ask how he'd feel if someone spoke to his friends that way.
A lot of the time people are beastly to their parents is because of the 'unconditional love' thing. No consequences emboldens the behaviour. 11 is still young enough that a fatherly word will sink in, and old enough to understand the impact.
Good luck, sounds a miserable bind to be in.
You can't intervene with your son, (a) coz you're not there (b) because ultimately this is about where the "power" sits in the relationship between mother and son. Even if you were present, if you had to keep intervening because of his behaviour towards his mother, it's still not conveying the message that SHE won't accept this behaviour and SHE can actually stop it.
From a distance I'd hazard a guess that all you can really do is offer her moral support, talk through exactly how the crap behaviour is triggered and manifested, and suggest any strategies that you can think of that may help her break out of the current cycle. And it may help for her to get a professional involved too who can observe and give her an insight into what is going on in the kid's head that motivates the bad behaviour.
From a distance I'd hazard a guess that all you can really do is offer her moral support, talk through exactly how the crap behaviour is triggered and manifested, and suggest any strategies that you can think of that may help her break out of the current cycle. And it may help for her to get a professional involved too who can observe and give her an insight into what is going on in the kid's head that motivates the bad behaviour.
Stick Legs said:
Next time you talk to him mention that you have witnessed it, explain that if someone spoke to him like that you'd likely or not knock the corners off them.
Ask how he'd feel if someone spoke to his friends that way.
A lot of the time people are beastly to their parents is because of the 'unconditional love' thing. No consequences emboldens the behaviour. 11 is still young enough that a fatherly word will sink in, and old enough to understand the impact.
Good luck, sounds a miserable bind to be in.
Very much the "unconditional love thing", particularly if the kid is perfectly capable of behaving well at school. The "behaving like a tAsk how he'd feel if someone spoke to his friends that way.
A lot of the time people are beastly to their parents is because of the 'unconditional love' thing. No consequences emboldens the behaviour. 11 is still young enough that a fatherly word will sink in, and old enough to understand the impact.
Good luck, sounds a miserable bind to be in.
t with Mum" thing can be a way of blowing off steam at home that's been bottled up all day at school, particularly if the kid feels a certain amount of social pressure, or is competitive and under-confident, etc Tell him that you're disappointed that his behaviour towards his mother has deteriorated and that until he sorts his act out, the Xbox/PS5 is being removed. Perhaps pass some apocryphal tale about how you went through something similar so you can understand his frustrations, but that he is expressing them in the wrong way. Maybe schedule a bit more Zoom/Facetime with him so you can give him an outlet to vent and maybe get to the bottom of the behaviour if it's something more than hormones and gaming.
Countdown said:
wyson said:
How often are you or another father figure present day to day in his life?
This.Not a lot you can do if you're not there to enforce it.
Maybe counselling?
It will only get worse as he becomes a teenager. My eldest has just turned 18, and for years has been telling us how grown up she is and she thinks she knows everything.
Except she knows nothing and expects us to either bale her out when it all goes wrong, or expects us to do everything for her. If we don't she will literally start screaming at us and calling us every name under the sun.
Her university application, she ignored all of the emails that were sent to her, and then weeks after the deadline started screaming at us for not doing it as "her friends parents do everything for them"
I fear we are raising a generation of super confident, entitled children who have zero skills to back anything up and are totally useless and expect everyone else to do everything for them.
Except she knows nothing and expects us to either bale her out when it all goes wrong, or expects us to do everything for her. If we don't she will literally start screaming at us and calling us every name under the sun.
Her university application, she ignored all of the emails that were sent to her, and then weeks after the deadline started screaming at us for not doing it as "her friends parents do everything for them"
I fear we are raising a generation of super confident, entitled children who have zero skills to back anything up and are totally useless and expect everyone else to do everything for them.
Petrus1983 said:
Long story short - my son (11) lives with his mother in Texas (I'm in the UK). The language and behaviour he's using towards her is mega unacceptable- what the hell can I do?? There's a few aspects that are our fault, obviously not being together and so far apart, but significantly we're sure his gaming time is affecting things too.
My ex is literally at her wits ends. If it makes any difference - he's a perfect pupil in school.
Critical comments are fine btw. Thanks.
If he’s perfect at school then he’s actively choosing to be disrespectful at home. Likely your partner is struggling with parenting on her own and understandably letting things slide by allowing him gaming time to get a bit of peace. Therein lies the issue. Get your wife to take the gaming system away. Preferably get on Skype or go out there and explain that his behaviour is unacceptable and until he learns a bit of respect then the gaming system will not be back. Expect a lot of bluster and slamming doors, before he realises that throwing a tantrum won’t work. When your wife thinks he’s got the message, bring it back. Limit his time on it. If he doesn’t respect her rules then remove it again. My ex is literally at her wits ends. If it makes any difference - he's a perfect pupil in school.
Critical comments are fine btw. Thanks.
Think it’s important that your wife takes the lead on this, he needs to learn respect to his mother and to listen to her. Empower her to take no nonsense from him and what she says goes. Otherwise it comes across as she’s gone to you to be the hard arse and reinforces his disrespect towards her.
Edited by P1983 on Thursday 21st August 17:17
Petrus1983 said:
Long story short - my son (11) lives with his mother in Texas (I'm in the UK). The language and behaviour he's using towards her is mega unacceptable- what the hell can I do?? There's a few aspects that are our fault, obviously not being together and so far apart, but significantly we're sure his gaming time is affecting things too.
My ex is literally at her wits ends. If it makes any difference - he's a perfect pupil in school.
Critical comments are fine btw. Thanks.
What you describe can be pretty consistent with kids who are on the autism scale so to speak, the requirement to adhere, or mirror strict standards. for extended periods of time can result in a melt down and anger towards those closest. Although presumably at this time of year he's not in school and perhaps on a relaxed routine. Xbox online and older age rated games can bring out the worst in young teems from experience.My ex is literally at her wits ends. If it makes any difference - he's a perfect pupil in school.
Critical comments are fine btw. Thanks.
Very difficult to understand what his gaming and sleep routines are from a distance. Or what other circumstances or thoughts might be driving the behaviour.
When did you last meet up with him, i'd suggest some extended face to face time away from that environment and a balanced discussion with him might be an appropriate way forwards.
A b
king administered from afar without understanding or nuance might just destroy your relationship with the lad.Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff