Impartial life advice required
Discussion
Not totally sure if this is the right forum as it crosses a few others so mods feel free to move if rqd.
Wife and I are at a cross roads and can't actually see the best way forward without causing some upset down the line..
I have a job which i love but it involves a lot of travel, 100+ days away next year, i wfh but also go to the office for a couple of days every other week for 2/3 days at a time - which will add another 30 odd days of being away
At best its a 3 1/2 commute at worst 4+ hours.
2 children in school, 1 in Uni
Middle child GCSE's in 25/26
Youngest is a couple of years away from GCSE's but is in the SEN unit
House is mortgage free so we have a healthy budget to relocate with - Neither of us like the house we are in (early 70's fully renovated by us 6 years ago and the longest we have ever spent in one house)
Mother-In-law widow of 5 years, would consider moving, parents in 80's still pretty sharp, will never move (but we live in the same area as them all so are seen as 'local carers')
I have 2 business interests local to where we are at the moment but could be delegated / run remotely if required.
Hopefully that covers it..
The dilemma (?) we have is we don't want to stay in the house or area we are in at the moment, but the house we would like (period) doesn't really exist where we are or even close to where we are but every time we look at moving away we worry about moving the kids, or we worry about leaving elderly parents (they would still have other children nearby though)
The reality is we move closer to my work so that if i do go to the office i can commute so that when i'm home, i am actually home - don't mind an hour or so's commute for a couple of days every other week.
But we are finding it impossible to make the decision to move
Has anyone done it? Are we missing another option? or should we just man up and put the house on the market now and just move to maximise the time i'm at home for the benefit of the family and ignore the likely fallout from the wider family?
We're guilty of always trying to please all parties all of the time but is now the time to put us first?
Opinions welcome!
Wife and I are at a cross roads and can't actually see the best way forward without causing some upset down the line..
I have a job which i love but it involves a lot of travel, 100+ days away next year, i wfh but also go to the office for a couple of days every other week for 2/3 days at a time - which will add another 30 odd days of being away
At best its a 3 1/2 commute at worst 4+ hours.
2 children in school, 1 in Uni
Middle child GCSE's in 25/26
Youngest is a couple of years away from GCSE's but is in the SEN unit
House is mortgage free so we have a healthy budget to relocate with - Neither of us like the house we are in (early 70's fully renovated by us 6 years ago and the longest we have ever spent in one house)
Mother-In-law widow of 5 years, would consider moving, parents in 80's still pretty sharp, will never move (but we live in the same area as them all so are seen as 'local carers')
I have 2 business interests local to where we are at the moment but could be delegated / run remotely if required.
Hopefully that covers it..
The dilemma (?) we have is we don't want to stay in the house or area we are in at the moment, but the house we would like (period) doesn't really exist where we are or even close to where we are but every time we look at moving away we worry about moving the kids, or we worry about leaving elderly parents (they would still have other children nearby though)
The reality is we move closer to my work so that if i do go to the office i can commute so that when i'm home, i am actually home - don't mind an hour or so's commute for a couple of days every other week.
But we are finding it impossible to make the decision to move
Has anyone done it? Are we missing another option? or should we just man up and put the house on the market now and just move to maximise the time i'm at home for the benefit of the family and ignore the likely fallout from the wider family?
We're guilty of always trying to please all parties all of the time but is now the time to put us first?
Opinions welcome!
Life is short, but moving is easier said than done.
It sounds like you have a lot of change coming up in the next few years- in 5 or so years time your circumstances could be quite different:
Your parents may not be around (I honestly don't mean that to sound harsh, I'm just going on life expectancies.)
Your eldest child could be working- in another part of the country?
The middle one might follow them to Uni in an entirely different part of the country?
So maybe only one child at home?
Also could your job change during this time? either a different job or different commuting arrangements?
Maybe you could focus on the next 5 years to wind up or plan to move your local business interests and really plan your dream home. You could then move to the best location for your future family guilt free.
It sounds like you have a lot of change coming up in the next few years- in 5 or so years time your circumstances could be quite different:
Your parents may not be around (I honestly don't mean that to sound harsh, I'm just going on life expectancies.)
Your eldest child could be working- in another part of the country?
The middle one might follow them to Uni in an entirely different part of the country?
So maybe only one child at home?
Also could your job change during this time? either a different job or different commuting arrangements?
Maybe you could focus on the next 5 years to wind up or plan to move your local business interests and really plan your dream home. You could then move to the best location for your future family guilt free.
I moved our son schools when he was around 8 or 9. He didn't like the new school much, nothing terribly bad but constant vibe that he wasn't happy. I always felt bad for putting it on him. As soon as he went to Secondary school he loved it, I imagine it was a fresh start for everyone. He really blossomed. My daughter only ever went to 1 primary school and it was a nightmare towards the end with fighting amongst the girls in her class but we didn't want to change her schools after what her brother went through. So go figure. Picking good schools they would be transfering to would help put my mind at ease a little.
I wouldn't change schools lightly but in your case I would. More time at home can never be bought back. That along with a much shorter commute would do it for me. I would also forget the parents, as much as it sounds selfish, I wouldn't want my kids staying close purely for my sake.
I wouldn't change schools lightly but in your case I would. More time at home can never be bought back. That along with a much shorter commute would do it for me. I would also forget the parents, as much as it sounds selfish, I wouldn't want my kids staying close purely for my sake.
I've only ever moved for a job once, I'd never do it again, that's just me.
I looked after my mum (across town) for around 10 years, it was bloody hard, might have been better being away, the guilt was still there.
My kids are still here, however I don't want them to feel they need to stop around me and Mrs D
Life can be extremely short, my dad died at 49, I'm already 3 years older than he ever was.
I don't think you can get an answer on here, it'll depend on your families feelings, however my two pence would be:
1. Don't leave it, you'll end up where you are forever!
2. Talk about it with everyone.
And lastly, life's far, far too short to sodding commute, try and engineer that out, pointless waste of life!
I looked after my mum (across town) for around 10 years, it was bloody hard, might have been better being away, the guilt was still there.
My kids are still here, however I don't want them to feel they need to stop around me and Mrs D
Life can be extremely short, my dad died at 49, I'm already 3 years older than he ever was.
I don't think you can get an answer on here, it'll depend on your families feelings, however my two pence would be:
1. Don't leave it, you'll end up where you are forever!
2. Talk about it with everyone.
And lastly, life's far, far too short to sodding commute, try and engineer that out, pointless waste of life!
Is having a "period" house real more important than not disrupting the kids' lives as they approach public exam years, and being close to elderly parents for their last years?
Stay put for 10 years, it'll fly by, and by that time all your offspring will have their own lives, and, without wanting to sound morbid, your parents might be in a very different place.
Then go get your dream "period" house, the one you can plan to retire in. Its precise location will by then be far less important than it is now.
Stay put for 10 years, it'll fly by, and by that time all your offspring will have their own lives, and, without wanting to sound morbid, your parents might be in a very different place.
Then go get your dream "period" house, the one you can plan to retire in. Its precise location will by then be far less important than it is now.
House and Home are two different things.
But you can't move one without the other.
Home is the collective community of relationships you have that are centred around the nucleus of you, your wife, kids, family and friends. In many ways, it's what makes you, you. When you move a long distance away, that nucleus is disrupted.
If there is discontentment amongst your wider family and you have few friends, then moving away is less of an issue and may well be beneficial to your immediate family. But if that isn't the case, you may well find yourself living in your ideal house but in a less than ideal home.
My impartial advice is to figure out which one of these things is more important to you.
But you can't move one without the other.
Home is the collective community of relationships you have that are centred around the nucleus of you, your wife, kids, family and friends. In many ways, it's what makes you, you. When you move a long distance away, that nucleus is disrupted.
If there is discontentment amongst your wider family and you have few friends, then moving away is less of an issue and may well be beneficial to your immediate family. But if that isn't the case, you may well find yourself living in your ideal house but in a less than ideal home.
My impartial advice is to figure out which one of these things is more important to you.
We are still in an odd post covid world, where people are no longer used to being in an office 4/5 days a week as was the norm.
Id suggest you havent really given enough info
1. How tenured are you in your current job - 6 months versus 15 years makes a huge difference?
2. How secure is your job.
3. Is where you work or the vicinity of it somewhere youd like to live?
4. Whats the work situation for your kids like in each area?
Waiting till kids finish education might seem logical, but on the flip side they'll then know few there etc
I think several posters haven't considered the amount of time you're currently away from home and the impacts that may or may not be having on the family. "Sit tight for the next few years" could have just as much impact on a kid as moving them to a new school if moving them to a new school also means they'd get a materially important increase in time with their Dad. Depends entirely on the specifics of your family.
t though. Hm, 2/3 days in 14 days? I'd just suck it up. I assume they're consecutive days so you can stay in a local hotel?
It sounds your base is where you currently are. If anything, move to a home you actually like, or re-renovate. Or accept that it's actually probably a nice home even if it isn't exactly what you want.
Or get another job more local?
Or see if you can reduce that to 2/3 days a month.
It sounds your base is where you currently are. If anything, move to a home you actually like, or re-renovate. Or accept that it's actually probably a nice home even if it isn't exactly what you want.
Or get another job more local?
Or see if you can reduce that to 2/3 days a month.
First suggestion is to talk to your family - kids, parents, etc and see what their actual views are on the next few years.
But keep in mind that the decision is you and your OH's, staying somewhere you don't like for someone else's sake will lead to resentment.
If you decide to move, go somewhere you want to be.
Don't move for work unless it's your own business or you have serious skin in the game.
Harsh as it may sound, only consider staying for family if you're sure. Becoming a carer is not a small undertaking and if you're not going to be a carer then how much value is there with you being close or not?
But keep in mind that the decision is you and your OH's, staying somewhere you don't like for someone else's sake will lead to resentment.
If you decide to move, go somewhere you want to be.
Don't move for work unless it's your own business or you have serious skin in the game.
Harsh as it may sound, only consider staying for family if you're sure. Becoming a carer is not a small undertaking and if you're not going to be a carer then how much value is there with you being close or not?
Hoofy said:
Hm, 2/3 days in 14 days? I'd just suck it up. I assume they're consecutive days so you can stay in a local hotel?
It sounds your base is where you currently are. If anything, move to a home you actually like, or re-renovate. Or accept that it's actually probably a nice home even if it isn't exactly what you want.
Or get another job more local?
Or see if you can reduce that to 2/3 days a month.
I don't think the OP is counting time in the office in the 100+ days travel for business. Well, it isn't too clear to me, anyway.It sounds your base is where you currently are. If anything, move to a home you actually like, or re-renovate. Or accept that it's actually probably a nice home even if it isn't exactly what you want.
Or get another job more local?
Or see if you can reduce that to 2/3 days a month.
ATG said:
Hoofy said:
Hm, 2/3 days in 14 days? I'd just suck it up. I assume they're consecutive days so you can stay in a local hotel?
It sounds your base is where you currently are. If anything, move to a home you actually like, or re-renovate. Or accept that it's actually probably a nice home even if it isn't exactly what you want.
Or get another job more local?
Or see if you can reduce that to 2/3 days a month.
I don't think the OP is counting time in the office in the 100+ days travel for business. Well, it isn't too clear to me, anyway.It sounds your base is where you currently are. If anything, move to a home you actually like, or re-renovate. Or accept that it's actually probably a nice home even if it isn't exactly what you want.
Or get another job more local?
Or see if you can reduce that to 2/3 days a month.
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