Discussion
In the next couple of months i turn 40 years of age, now anyone that knows me would tell you that i use to say that these age milestones don't bother me and that either way we are all going to (hopefully) get to these points in life whether we like it or not.
However.....
I find this number affecting me more than i thought it would, I'm looking back on the last 40 years and saying is this it now? I have an average at best lifestyle, don't own my own home and have zero chance of that happening what with health conditions being the main cause of that, a job that i don't particularly like anymore in a town where there's not much in the way of opportunity other than low paid jobs, I wake up most mornings with an attitude of what's the point it's never going to get any better and the next 40 years if i to live for that probably isn't going to be as good at least health wise as the ones I've just had.
I do suffer with anxiety and depression but i don't think that's necessarily anything to do with this (could be wrong) I just think that at 40 my bed is well and truly made and that this is it for me, has anyone else been in this position and managed to change that way of thinking?
However.....
I find this number affecting me more than i thought it would, I'm looking back on the last 40 years and saying is this it now? I have an average at best lifestyle, don't own my own home and have zero chance of that happening what with health conditions being the main cause of that, a job that i don't particularly like anymore in a town where there's not much in the way of opportunity other than low paid jobs, I wake up most mornings with an attitude of what's the point it's never going to get any better and the next 40 years if i to live for that probably isn't going to be as good at least health wise as the ones I've just had.
I do suffer with anxiety and depression but i don't think that's necessarily anything to do with this (could be wrong) I just think that at 40 my bed is well and truly made and that this is it for me, has anyone else been in this position and managed to change that way of thinking?
When I was 40 I had a thriving business paying me six figures a year, loads of free time, married, 3yr old son etc.
A year later I was going through a horrific divorce, nine years after that I lost the entire business and now I'm working my way back up again starting with basically nothing. Not to mention a bunch of other s
t that I've been through the last decade which I won't bother going into here, but frankly you wouldn't believe it. I've no house either these days. It's been horrific.
So - 40? So what? It's just a number. Make the best of what you've got, or change your life to get what you want. Get re-educated, a different job, find a new passion, move away, whatever it is.
One life - live it, my friend.
A year later I was going through a horrific divorce, nine years after that I lost the entire business and now I'm working my way back up again starting with basically nothing. Not to mention a bunch of other s
t that I've been through the last decade which I won't bother going into here, but frankly you wouldn't believe it. I've no house either these days. It's been horrific.So - 40? So what? It's just a number. Make the best of what you've got, or change your life to get what you want. Get re-educated, a different job, find a new passion, move away, whatever it is.
One life - live it, my friend.
James_33 said:
I do suffer with anxiety and depression but i don't think that's necessarily anything to do with this (could be wrong)
I would speculate that you probably are wrong on this. 40 is about halfway through a normal life. Think about how much has happened and what experiences you've had (good and bad) over 40 years. You've (potentially) got all that time again. You could do anything.
If your life isn't what you want, change it. Look at your lack of home-owning and settled job as an opportunity - move to another area, seek a new career, search for your happiness because nobody is going to post it through your front door.
Finally, don't think that your life is your lot. As the poster above alluded to, life can change very quickly - for good or bad - so it's important to maximise it.
In his mid-50s my Dad filed for bankruptcy, was single, had no home of his own and no foreseeable means of income. 15-odd years later, he is married, living in a house with no mortgage and just embarking on retirement.
Was any of this in his 'plan'? Hell no, but life rarely conforms to a plan.
You say "I'm looking back on the last 40 years and saying is this it now?" but don't forget the first half of that was childhood, school etc where your circumstances are really out of your control.
I look at it like you've only really been an adult for 20 and (all being well) you've got another 40 odd years to go so plenty of time to make some massive changes.
For what it's worth I'm also turning 40 (December) and despite having a well paid professional job, owning a home, having a loving wife and 2 kids, multiple cars I likewise find myself questioning my life choices. I think it's perfectly normal when hitting a milestone to have these thoughts.
I look at it like you've only really been an adult for 20 and (all being well) you've got another 40 odd years to go so plenty of time to make some massive changes.
For what it's worth I'm also turning 40 (December) and despite having a well paid professional job, owning a home, having a loving wife and 2 kids, multiple cars I likewise find myself questioning my life choices. I think it's perfectly normal when hitting a milestone to have these thoughts.
40's are the best time of your adult life IME.
Wiser, still fit and able to exercise and do sport to a decent level, career sorted, a bit more money and if the timing is right kids are at the age where you can engage in activities with them.
Look forward to and enjoy it as unfortunately its pretty fleeting.
Wiser, still fit and able to exercise and do sport to a decent level, career sorted, a bit more money and if the timing is right kids are at the age where you can engage in activities with them.
Look forward to and enjoy it as unfortunately its pretty fleeting.
Lotobear said:
40's are the best time of your adult life IME.
Wiser, still fit and able to exercise and do sport to a decent level, career sorted, a bit more money and if the timing is right kids are at the age where you can engage in activities with them.
Look forward to and enjoy it as unfortunately its pretty fleeting.
Agreed -If you have looked after yourself. Many people have long let themselves go by their 40s, though, so they will be having a different experience.Wiser, still fit and able to exercise and do sport to a decent level, career sorted, a bit more money and if the timing is right kids are at the age where you can engage in activities with them.
Look forward to and enjoy it as unfortunately its pretty fleeting.
40 is no different to 39 or 41 or 35.68254 or 51 (nearly my age). However, these milestones do make you reflect on things and life in general.
Treat the reflection as an opportunity to initiate change. Owning a house or having a well paid job are desirable but won't necessarily bring you happiness (as witnessed in many threads on here). I accept having those things may make you less anxious but will they make you happy?
Reflect back at what made you happy.....a new workplace or time with friends or meeting new people or trips away, etc. and aim to do more of that....but actually plan for it to happen....have a structured path to what brings you happiness. Plan a trip, phone an old friend and arrange to meet, apply for new jobs, move to an area which ticks more boxes, whatever did make you happy....plan to do more of the same......
The anxiety will hopefully then subside, as you will be happier and more content.
Treat the reflection as an opportunity to initiate change. Owning a house or having a well paid job are desirable but won't necessarily bring you happiness (as witnessed in many threads on here). I accept having those things may make you less anxious but will they make you happy?
Reflect back at what made you happy.....a new workplace or time with friends or meeting new people or trips away, etc. and aim to do more of that....but actually plan for it to happen....have a structured path to what brings you happiness. Plan a trip, phone an old friend and arrange to meet, apply for new jobs, move to an area which ticks more boxes, whatever did make you happy....plan to do more of the same......
The anxiety will hopefully then subside, as you will be happier and more content.
You are lucky, you have nothing to lose. You can go for it and take massive risks with nothing to lose.
Nothing to tie you to a house, mortgage or job you love…go out and seek your fortune, move to America or live near a beach somewhere…the world is your Lobster and you have just discovered that you want more for your self.
Depression and Anxiety have huge limiting beliefs, more than anything…I used to suffer,
You could have died when you were young, you didn’t. Go for it.
Nothing to tie you to a house, mortgage or job you love…go out and seek your fortune, move to America or live near a beach somewhere…the world is your Lobster and you have just discovered that you want more for your self.
Depression and Anxiety have huge limiting beliefs, more than anything…I used to suffer,
You could have died when you were young, you didn’t. Go for it.
Hi James, 40 affected me as well, not like you but I think it's because I remember my parents 40th birthdays.
Anxiety and depression are not nice. I presume you have been around the block on these and seen help, maybe tried medication etc... if you haven't then you have the power to do this.
It's all out there for you, you only need to have the want to do it. I feel I can Sense a depressive tone in you, seeing things with a lack of opportunity or zest but you have the power to change this stuff if you want to.
You can exercise, you can work towards moving to a new area with opportunity etc etc. The thing is that anxiety and depression or health problems can get in the way. But really... there has never been a better time to have these issues and therefore to be able to work with them or deal with them.
I've been through and am going through something and life can be brutal. But if you're breathing you have a chance. It is all out there but when you see it through the eyes of depression or anxiety it is really really tough but you can start to pick away at thus stuff, you really can. You have taken a step by posting here, these posts arise from time to time and folks will rally around. Just do things on your own terms and think about what you want and how you can work on it.
All the best.
Anxiety and depression are not nice. I presume you have been around the block on these and seen help, maybe tried medication etc... if you haven't then you have the power to do this.
It's all out there for you, you only need to have the want to do it. I feel I can Sense a depressive tone in you, seeing things with a lack of opportunity or zest but you have the power to change this stuff if you want to.
You can exercise, you can work towards moving to a new area with opportunity etc etc. The thing is that anxiety and depression or health problems can get in the way. But really... there has never been a better time to have these issues and therefore to be able to work with them or deal with them.
I've been through and am going through something and life can be brutal. But if you're breathing you have a chance. It is all out there but when you see it through the eyes of depression or anxiety it is really really tough but you can start to pick away at thus stuff, you really can. You have taken a step by posting here, these posts arise from time to time and folks will rally around. Just do things on your own terms and think about what you want and how you can work on it.
All the best.
White-Noise said:
Hi James, 40 affected me as well, not like you but I think it's because I remember my parents 40th birthdays.
Anxiety and depression are not nice. I presume you have been around the block on these and seen help, maybe tried medication etc... if you haven't then you have the power to do this.
It's all out there for you, you only need to have the want to do it. I feel I can Sense a depressive tone in you, seeing things with a lack of opportunity or zest but you have the power to change this stuff if you want to.
You can exercise, you can work towards moving to a new area with opportunity etc etc. The thing is that anxiety and depression or health problems can get in the way. But really... there has never been a better time to have these issues and therefore to be able to work with them or deal with them.
I've been through and am going through something and life can be brutal. But if you're breathing you have a chance. It is all out there but when you see it through the eyes of depression or anxiety it is really really tough but you can start to pick away at thus stuff, you really can. You have taken a step by posting here, these posts arise from time to time and folks will rally around. Just do things on your own terms and think about what you want and how you can work on it.
All the best.
Good point comparing to how we remember our parents at that age…how old they seemed.Anxiety and depression are not nice. I presume you have been around the block on these and seen help, maybe tried medication etc... if you haven't then you have the power to do this.
It's all out there for you, you only need to have the want to do it. I feel I can Sense a depressive tone in you, seeing things with a lack of opportunity or zest but you have the power to change this stuff if you want to.
You can exercise, you can work towards moving to a new area with opportunity etc etc. The thing is that anxiety and depression or health problems can get in the way. But really... there has never been a better time to have these issues and therefore to be able to work with them or deal with them.
I've been through and am going through something and life can be brutal. But if you're breathing you have a chance. It is all out there but when you see it through the eyes of depression or anxiety it is really really tough but you can start to pick away at thus stuff, you really can. You have taken a step by posting here, these posts arise from time to time and folks will rally around. Just do things on your own terms and think about what you want and how you can work on it.
All the best.
I am nearly 51, my dad was dead by then! That haunts me.
James_33 said:
In the next couple of months i turn 40 years of age, now anyone that knows me would tell you that i use to say that these age milestones don't bother me and that either way we are all going to (hopefully) get to these points in life whether we like it or not.
However.....
I find this number affecting me more than i thought it would, I'm looking back on the last 40 years and saying is this it now? I have an average at best lifestyle, don't own my own home and have zero chance of that happening what with health conditions being the main cause of that, a job that i don't particularly like anymore in a town where there's not much in the way of opportunity other than low paid jobs, I wake up most mornings with an attitude of what's the point it's never going to get any better and the next 40 years if i to live for that probably isn't going to be as good at least health wise as the ones I've just had.
I do suffer with anxiety and depression but i don't think that's necessarily anything to do with this (could be wrong) I just think that at 40 my bed is well and truly made and that this is it for me, has anyone else been in this position and managed to change that way of thinking?
Last paragraph, yes you’re wrong. At least in part. Go for a mental health check up. Also the body bears the burden. All the anxiety, stress and other mental baggage you may have can not be helping your physical health. However.....
I find this number affecting me more than i thought it would, I'm looking back on the last 40 years and saying is this it now? I have an average at best lifestyle, don't own my own home and have zero chance of that happening what with health conditions being the main cause of that, a job that i don't particularly like anymore in a town where there's not much in the way of opportunity other than low paid jobs, I wake up most mornings with an attitude of what's the point it's never going to get any better and the next 40 years if i to live for that probably isn't going to be as good at least health wise as the ones I've just had.
I do suffer with anxiety and depression but i don't think that's necessarily anything to do with this (could be wrong) I just think that at 40 my bed is well and truly made and that this is it for me, has anyone else been in this position and managed to change that way of thinking?
To answer your question, at 40 I was seriously questioning my purpose. I was in the death throes of a relationship, had a job I wasn’t motivated to do, had invested all my savings into a business without thinking too hard or too long about doing so, I was just throwing darts hoping one of them would land somewhere good.
I’d also been seeing a shrink re: GAD and depression. Nothing seemed to work, I wasn’t responding to meds how I ‘should’ have been. Long story short the conclusion was an ADD diagnosis which explained a lot of things, made me feel a lot of guilt and remorse, then has only made my life better since as I fully realise my strengths and weaknesses wrt work and motivation, and have accepted that I don’t fit within the standard deviation of what is considered ‘normal’.
I had to accept that I might not ever find a loving relationship (still single fwiw), and might not ever get the ‘things’ I wanted from life. Only I could also accept that those ‘things’ are different from the norm, so at least stop bloody chasing the norm.
I won’t say things turned on an instant as they didn’t. I kept slogging into a job that I had no motivation for as the employment market was so grim, and then I was made redundant. Depression hit big time then, I barely got out of bed and was consumed by anxiety when I did.
The past year has been very difficult (this is a major understatement) but has been strangely necessary. I learned the business I’d bought into and stopped it going under, sacked a few key people, brought new ones in who I believe in.
I still had sleepless anxiety filled nights and bad days where the duvet won out. Then 4mths ago I had picked up a few weeks contracting which lifted my spirits and made me think a little differently. I gave myself a year to develop this business, start a second one, and try contracting as means to bridge the gap. If that didn’t work out then after the year was up I’d start applying for jobs again that I know I could do but would have no motivation for.
Last month I got a job offer completely out of the blue. I didn’t apply, didn’t even have an interview. It’s an odd set up but when I’ve explained it to my close friends they all said ‘that’s totally you’. It’s a completely unrelated field, a proper adventure, and I’m more motivated for it than any role I’ve ever had. I genuinely couldn’t have scripted it better.
Over the past year or so I’ve had to accept certain truths about myself. Mainly that what most people want, I don’t. I’ve stopped trying to conform, and I’m happier as a result.
This book helped.
https://terebess.hu/english/AlanWatts-On%20The%20T...
Although there was no single lightbulb moment. It was a process of self development, seeking council from successful friends I respected, then taking a leap of faith. Granted at points I did wonder what was going to happen when the money ran out, but once I’d started thinking a certain way, the uncertainty almost became a comfort.
So at 43 (44 next month) I feel things are coming good and the outlook for the decade is that I’ll start to live as I always dreamed of but thought couldn’t ever happen.
If you do need to chat about it, feel free to pm.
I realize my story is mine and might not relate to yours. But I know what those feelings are like and can relate. whilst the fear of failure and ‘what ifs’ can keep you awake all night, you have to also think about what happens if you just plod on as you are. There is no quick fix, but you very much can get yourself to a place where you feel hopeful, and from there you can plan to reach contentment.
Edited by shirt on Wednesday 13th November 22:22
40 is a distant memory for me. The half century will be here very soon.
Between those years I've learnt to care a lot less about the unimportant things and care a whole lot more about the important stuff.
Opportunities and tangents have dropped out of nowhere. I've become better at recognising the ones that do present themselves.
Even at 40, I don't think mortality truly dawned on me. It's certainly beginning to do so now.
Rather than be eaten by it, that's driven me to embrace more of everything.
Whole support systems that have been there since minute one have died off in recent years. I honour them by being thankful to get another day and being open to where it'll take me.
Not sure anything other than simply being on planet Earth for long enough can develop that mind set, but it's a much healthier improvement on how things computed before and so far every year has been a better one for me overall.
Between those years I've learnt to care a lot less about the unimportant things and care a whole lot more about the important stuff.
Opportunities and tangents have dropped out of nowhere. I've become better at recognising the ones that do present themselves.
Even at 40, I don't think mortality truly dawned on me. It's certainly beginning to do so now.
Rather than be eaten by it, that's driven me to embrace more of everything.
Whole support systems that have been there since minute one have died off in recent years. I honour them by being thankful to get another day and being open to where it'll take me.
Not sure anything other than simply being on planet Earth for long enough can develop that mind set, but it's a much healthier improvement on how things computed before and so far every year has been a better one for me overall.
James_33 said:
In the next couple of months i turn 40 years of age, now anyone that knows me would tell you that i use to say that these age milestones don't bother me and that either way we are all going to (hopefully) get to these points in life whether we like it or not.
However.....
I find this number affecting me more than i thought it would, I'm looking back on the last 40 years and saying is this it now? I have an average at best lifestyle, don't own my own home and have zero chance of that happening what with health conditions being the main cause of that, a job that i don't particularly like anymore in a town where there's not much in the way of opportunity other than low paid jobs, I wake up most mornings with an attitude of what's the point it's never going to get any better and the next 40 years if i to live for that probably isn't going to be as good at least health wise as the ones I've just had.
I do suffer with anxiety and depression but i don't think that's necessarily anything to do with this (could be wrong) I just think that at 40 my bed is well and truly made and that this is it for me, has anyone else been in this position and managed to change that way of thinking?
I remember being forty and speaking to a group of older peers along the lines of "I suppose this is the decade when things start going wrong?"However.....
I find this number affecting me more than i thought it would, I'm looking back on the last 40 years and saying is this it now? I have an average at best lifestyle, don't own my own home and have zero chance of that happening what with health conditions being the main cause of that, a job that i don't particularly like anymore in a town where there's not much in the way of opportunity other than low paid jobs, I wake up most mornings with an attitude of what's the point it's never going to get any better and the next 40 years if i to live for that probably isn't going to be as good at least health wise as the ones I've just had.
I do suffer with anxiety and depression but i don't think that's necessarily anything to do with this (could be wrong) I just think that at 40 my bed is well and truly made and that this is it for me, has anyone else been in this position and managed to change that way of thinking?
"No Sunshine, that's your fifties".
I'm 41 and it's no different to any other age really. My hair has thinned more so over the last year though. My wife is 5 years older and tbh our relationship has never been better in all ways (met when I was 22), so there is a lot to be positive and look forward to.
One other positive is I give less of a st about what people think and I hope that continues to increase as I get older.
One other positive is I give less of a s
t about what people think and I hope that continues to increase as I get older.Try not to measure yourself, using someone else’s expectations. I have got some P.I.T.A. relatives and friends, who have tried that stuff on me before now. “Oooh you’re ( insert age )” by your age, I had ( insert ste I couldn’t give a monkey’s about ) / been ( places I couldn’t even point to on a map, so absolutely don’t care about visiting), done ( stuff that is about as interesting to me, as a mouldy potato). I just smile and wave.
te I couldn’t give a monkey’s about ) / been ( places I couldn’t even point to on a map, so absolutely don’t care about visiting), done ( stuff that is about as interesting to me, as a mouldy potato). I just smile and wave.Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff