Son's Uncontrollable Outbursts
Discussion
Not sure why I'm posting this here other than I'm slightly at my wit's end and probably need to just get things written down.
My 10 year old son seems to be becoming more and more reclusive and angry (frustrated) - this has been a problem for I'd say the last 18-24 months.
To give an example, he came home from school yesterday and asked his mum to take him for a haircut - unusually for him as he normally needs to be dragged to the barbers. Once completed he sat in the car for 10 minutes with his Mum unreasonably raging that the haircut was too short (it isn't) and that he couldn't face going to school looking the way he did. This anger carried on for a couple of hours before he calmed down over dinner and accepted it was OK.
He avoids socialising - in the last 6 months I've dragged him to board game nights, Warhammer painting evenings, signed him up for basketball, taken him on photography outings with the local club and swimming lessons.... which he makes a token effort to engage in but actively avoids where he can.
He spends an unreasonable amount of time on screens - the modern curse - and I feel I need to stamp down on this. But a lot of this time is spent doing creative stuff for example 3d modelling, movie making, coding, animation - all of which fires his interest.
He'll do anything to get out of going to school - I've no doubt that today he'll not be in school because of the haircut issue. When in school he's quiet (shy) and works hard but says he's bored.
I'm conscious that there seems to be a drive to put a label on everything but my partner thinks he's neurodiverse (ADHD, Autistic) and regardless getting a diagnosis is a long drawn out process. She's had him on some ADHD NHS assessment waiting list for 2 years, the waiting time is currently 3 years.
I'd like him to do two things :
1) Attend school reliably
2) Find his niche with like minded kids and grow his social network
His anger and frustration I can deal with through patience, talking and love but engaging at school and expanding his horizons I struggle to get through to him.
Any ideas gratefully received and if nothing else - thanks for reading it's been good to get that off my chest!
My 10 year old son seems to be becoming more and more reclusive and angry (frustrated) - this has been a problem for I'd say the last 18-24 months.
To give an example, he came home from school yesterday and asked his mum to take him for a haircut - unusually for him as he normally needs to be dragged to the barbers. Once completed he sat in the car for 10 minutes with his Mum unreasonably raging that the haircut was too short (it isn't) and that he couldn't face going to school looking the way he did. This anger carried on for a couple of hours before he calmed down over dinner and accepted it was OK.
He avoids socialising - in the last 6 months I've dragged him to board game nights, Warhammer painting evenings, signed him up for basketball, taken him on photography outings with the local club and swimming lessons.... which he makes a token effort to engage in but actively avoids where he can.
He spends an unreasonable amount of time on screens - the modern curse - and I feel I need to stamp down on this. But a lot of this time is spent doing creative stuff for example 3d modelling, movie making, coding, animation - all of which fires his interest.
He'll do anything to get out of going to school - I've no doubt that today he'll not be in school because of the haircut issue. When in school he's quiet (shy) and works hard but says he's bored.
I'm conscious that there seems to be a drive to put a label on everything but my partner thinks he's neurodiverse (ADHD, Autistic) and regardless getting a diagnosis is a long drawn out process. She's had him on some ADHD NHS assessment waiting list for 2 years, the waiting time is currently 3 years.
I'd like him to do two things :
1) Attend school reliably
2) Find his niche with like minded kids and grow his social network
His anger and frustration I can deal with through patience, talking and love but engaging at school and expanding his horizons I struggle to get through to him.
Any ideas gratefully received and if nothing else - thanks for reading it's been good to get that off my chest!
EmailAddress said:
Has he got any puberty related problems that are coming into play.
Or bullying while at school.
Might be worth a heart-to-heart guy chat.
Puberty stuff.....good point, will broach the subject with him.Or bullying while at school.
Might be worth a heart-to-heart guy chat.
Bullying - there was an issue last year, mainly nasty verbals as far as we know which we talked to the school about and seems to have been resolved. I do check in with him on this regularly to make sure it's not flaring up again. In my simple, adult brain I feel he's a bit over sensitive to these things - but it's so easy to forget what it's like being a young kid.
towser said:
Not sure why I'm posting this here other than I'm slightly at my wit's end and probably need to just get things written down.
My 10 year old son seems to be becoming more and more reclusive and angry (frustrated) - this has been a problem for I'd say the last 18-24 months.
To give an example, he came home from school yesterday and asked his mum to take him for a haircut - unusually for him as he normally needs to be dragged to the barbers. Once completed he sat in the car for 10 minutes with his Mum unreasonably raging that the haircut was too short (it isn't) and that he couldn't face going to school looking the way he did. This anger carried on for a couple of hours before he calmed down over dinner and accepted it was OK.
He avoids socialising - in the last 6 months I've dragged him to board game nights, Warhammer painting evenings, signed him up for basketball, taken him on photography outings with the local club and swimming lessons.... which he makes a token effort to engage in but actively avoids where he can.
He spends an unreasonable amount of time on screens - the modern curse - and I feel I need to stamp down on this. But a lot of this time is spent doing creative stuff for example 3d modelling, movie making, coding, animation - all of which fires his interest.
He'll do anything to get out of going to school - I've no doubt that today he'll not be in school because of the haircut issue. When in school he's quiet (shy) and works hard but says he's bored.
I'm conscious that there seems to be a drive to put a label on everything but my partner thinks he's neurodiverse (ADHD, Autistic) and regardless getting a diagnosis is a long drawn out process. She's had him on some ADHD NHS assessment waiting list for 2 years, the waiting time is currently 3 years.
I'd like him to do two things :
1) Attend school reliably
2) Find his niche with like minded kids and grow his social network
His anger and frustration I can deal with through patience, talking and love but engaging at school and expanding his horizons I struggle to get through to him.
Any ideas gratefully received and if nothing else - thanks for reading it's been good to get that off my chest!
This was on my mind before getting to this aspect of your post. My brother was in a similar position to yourself with my nephew when he was 9 - he ended up paying privately (unfortunately quite expensive) for an assessment but it has been a game changer. My 10 year old son seems to be becoming more and more reclusive and angry (frustrated) - this has been a problem for I'd say the last 18-24 months.
To give an example, he came home from school yesterday and asked his mum to take him for a haircut - unusually for him as he normally needs to be dragged to the barbers. Once completed he sat in the car for 10 minutes with his Mum unreasonably raging that the haircut was too short (it isn't) and that he couldn't face going to school looking the way he did. This anger carried on for a couple of hours before he calmed down over dinner and accepted it was OK.
He avoids socialising - in the last 6 months I've dragged him to board game nights, Warhammer painting evenings, signed him up for basketball, taken him on photography outings with the local club and swimming lessons.... which he makes a token effort to engage in but actively avoids where he can.
He spends an unreasonable amount of time on screens - the modern curse - and I feel I need to stamp down on this. But a lot of this time is spent doing creative stuff for example 3d modelling, movie making, coding, animation - all of which fires his interest.
He'll do anything to get out of going to school - I've no doubt that today he'll not be in school because of the haircut issue. When in school he's quiet (shy) and works hard but says he's bored.
I'm conscious that there seems to be a drive to put a label on everything but my partner thinks he's neurodiverse (ADHD, Autistic) and regardless getting a diagnosis is a long drawn out process. She's had him on some ADHD NHS assessment waiting list for 2 years, the waiting time is currently 3 years.
I'd like him to do two things :
1) Attend school reliably
2) Find his niche with like minded kids and grow his social network
His anger and frustration I can deal with through patience, talking and love but engaging at school and expanding his horizons I struggle to get through to him.
Any ideas gratefully received and if nothing else - thanks for reading it's been good to get that off my chest!
On the flip side my son can have his moments, especially a few years ago, but now he seems to have come out the other side (he's 10.5). With my son I think Minecraft, chess and rummy (card games) have all helped. I'd love him to do some sports but hey ho.
Hard times OP - I feel for you.
Personally I would concentrate on the school issue first and foremost. Get to the bottom of this and then deal with any other issues that follow.
It may be that he's being bullied or struggling but it could well be that he's just bored as he doesn't find it a challenge.
Our son didn't really socialise when he was younger, didn't engage in sport etc. We had a few teachers try to say he was potentially autistic etc when he just didn't fit in to their ideas. He flourished at secondary school.
So for what it's worth - I'd be trying to establish what the school attendance issue is and then try and tap into to what interests him, not what you think he should be interested in.
Personally I would concentrate on the school issue first and foremost. Get to the bottom of this and then deal with any other issues that follow.
It may be that he's being bullied or struggling but it could well be that he's just bored as he doesn't find it a challenge.
Our son didn't really socialise when he was younger, didn't engage in sport etc. We had a few teachers try to say he was potentially autistic etc when he just didn't fit in to their ideas. He flourished at secondary school.
So for what it's worth - I'd be trying to establish what the school attendance issue is and then try and tap into to what interests him, not what you think he should be interested in.
Petrus1983 said:
This was on my mind before getting to this aspect of your post. My brother was in a similar position to yourself with my nephew when he was 9 - he ended up paying privately (unfortunately quite expensive) for an assessment but it has been a game changer.
On the flip side my son can have his moments, especially a few years ago, but now he seems to have come out the other side (he's 10.5). With my son I think Minecraft, chess and rummy (card games) have all helped. I'd love him to do some sports but hey ho.
If it's OK to ask....how has the diagnosis changed things for your nephew? On the flip side my son can have his moments, especially a few years ago, but now he seems to have come out the other side (he's 10.5). With my son I think Minecraft, chess and rummy (card games) have all helped. I'd love him to do some sports but hey ho.
I look at something like ADHD and it seem to me that the only pathway to control it is heavy duty drugs which I'd be uncomfortable with for my son....but maybe that's my ignorance.
My partner says that if he has ADHD the school can put in support etc....for him, but the cynic in me feels that a lot of that is just lip service.
Can't help on AD-HD, etc but my son was also screen addicted and didn't want to comunicate or discuss anything.
In the end I joined him playing on the Playstation (never been a gamer), he showed me how to do it, beat me all the time, made fun of me being useless, but we were comunicating, before long he was opening up about issues (and listening to my opinion) while we both played games together.
Worked much better than just sitting him down to discuss things.
In the end I joined him playing on the Playstation (never been a gamer), he showed me how to do it, beat me all the time, made fun of me being useless, but we were comunicating, before long he was opening up about issues (and listening to my opinion) while we both played games together.
Worked much better than just sitting him down to discuss things.
Edited by WestyCarl on Thursday 24th October 11:07
towser said:
If it's OK to ask....how has the diagnosis changed things for your nephew?
I look at something like ADHD and it seem to me that the only pathway to control it is heavy duty drugs which I'd be uncomfortable with for my son....but maybe that's my ignorance.
My partner says that if he has ADHD the school can put in support etc....for him, but the cynic in me feels that a lot of that is just lip service.
They just feel by understanding how his brain is working they can offer more help and recognise what may trigger an 'episode'. He's also been given a statement (genuinely don't really know what that is) but will now allow my nephew to go to the secondary school my brother sees fit rather than being on a waiting list. FWIW my brother and sister-in-law are very anti medication so I know they'd never go down that route. I look at something like ADHD and it seem to me that the only pathway to control it is heavy duty drugs which I'd be uncomfortable with for my son....but maybe that's my ignorance.
My partner says that if he has ADHD the school can put in support etc....for him, but the cynic in me feels that a lot of that is just lip service.
I've just taken a quick look on Amazon and it might be worth spending a tenner and seeing if anything in this book resonates -
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Help-Your-Child-Thrive-AD...
TownIdiot said:
Hard times OP - I feel for you.
Personally I would concentrate on the school issue first and foremost. Get to the bottom of this and then deal with any other issues that follow.
It may be that he's being bullied or struggling but it could well be that he's just bored as he doesn't find it a challenge.
Our son didn't really socialise when he was younger, didn't engage in sport etc. We had a few teachers try to say he was potentially autistic etc when he just didn't fit in to their ideas. He flourished at secondary school.
So for what it's worth - I'd be trying to establish what the school attendance issue is and then try and tap into to what interests him, not what you think he should be interested in.
Yeah - school is often at the centre of his outbursts. As I understand it :Personally I would concentrate on the school issue first and foremost. Get to the bottom of this and then deal with any other issues that follow.
It may be that he's being bullied or struggling but it could well be that he's just bored as he doesn't find it a challenge.
Our son didn't really socialise when he was younger, didn't engage in sport etc. We had a few teachers try to say he was potentially autistic etc when he just didn't fit in to their ideas. He flourished at secondary school.
So for what it's worth - I'd be trying to establish what the school attendance issue is and then try and tap into to what interests him, not what you think he should be interested in.
1) He's bored - it feels like the same topic gets covered 5 / 6 times. He's learns quickly so usually gets it first time - and therefore disengages
2) There was a bullying issue last year - only nasty verbals as far as we know, we've had it dealt with and it seems to have gone away
3) Class is very noisy and inexperienced teacher spends most of her time shouting to gain control - he hates the shouting. But in my view I can't be telling a teacher how to run her classroom though.
4) He lacks self confidence to deal with the rough and tumble of school....this part is so hard to deal with
I need to renew my efforts to get to the bottom of it.....you're right though I've been throwing things at him in the hope something will stick. I need to flip the discussion.
towser said:
If it's OK to ask....how has the diagnosis changed things for your nephew?
I look at something like ADHD and it seem to me that the only pathway to control it is heavy duty drugs which I'd be uncomfortable with for my son....but maybe that's my ignorance.
My partner says that if he has ADHD the school can put in support etc....for him, but the cynic in me feels that a lot of that is just lip service.
You can resist the drugs and go for a therapy based solution which would equip him better for life imho. I look at something like ADHD and it seem to me that the only pathway to control it is heavy duty drugs which I'd be uncomfortable with for my son....but maybe that's my ignorance.
My partner says that if he has ADHD the school can put in support etc....for him, but the cynic in me feels that a lot of that is just lip service.
Other than the outbursts sounds similar to me when I was a kid. Diagnosed aged 39.
I think if he was hyperactive type then it’d have come on much earlier and more spectacularly. So there’s that.
But short term your focus is to get him through the important school years (strangely I never had an issue with exams at school, straight a’s with no revision) and then beyond that to guide him into a career that plays to his strengths. See the adult ADHD thread on here for what happens if you don’t!
I wouldn’t be majorly concerned if I were you. Sounds like he has otherwise balanced hobbies and a dad who notices these things and cares more about the ‘why’ behind the behavior presented than the tantrum itself. That’s important. Try and understand his thinking process and you’ll forge a much closer bond. Us ND’s love that.
Also one tip I learned with dealing with highly sensitive people. Meet emotion with emotion and logic with logic. If he’s freaking out over something, don’t jump to a logic response. Just empathize. Wait til it’s over and he’s back to normal before having to rational conversation about what caused it.
Eta: I also found school boring, had few solid friends, and would forge sick notes by tracing my mother’s handwriting whenever I wanted a few days off.
Edited by shirt on Thursday 24th October 11:46
Petrus1983 said:
They just feel by understanding how his brain is working they can offer more help and recognise what may trigger an 'episode'. He's also been given a statement (genuinely don't really know what that is) but will now allow my nephew to go to the secondary school my brother sees fit rather than being on a waiting list. FWIW my brother and sister-in-law are very anti medication so I know they'd never go down that route.
I've just taken a quick look on Amazon and it might be worth spending a tenner and seeing if anything in this book resonates -
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Help-Your-Child-Thrive-AD...
Thanks for that and the book recommend....looks like I need to read it.I've just taken a quick look on Amazon and it might be worth spending a tenner and seeing if anything in this book resonates -
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Help-Your-Child-Thrive-AD...
towser said:
Yeah - school is often at the centre of his outbursts. As I understand it :
1) He's bored - it feels like the same topic gets covered 5 / 6 times. He's learns quickly so usually gets it first time - and therefore disengages
2) There was a bullying issue last year - only nasty verbals as far as we know, we've had it dealt with and it seems to have gone away
3) Class is very noisy and inexperienced teacher spends most of her time shouting to gain control - he hates the shouting. But in my view I can't be telling a teacher how to run her classroom though.
4) He lacks self confidence to deal with the rough and tumble of school....this part is so hard to deal with
I need to renew my efforts to get to the bottom of it.....you're right though I've been throwing things at him in the hope something will stick. I need to flip the discussion.
I think you are onto something here.1) He's bored - it feels like the same topic gets covered 5 / 6 times. He's learns quickly so usually gets it first time - and therefore disengages
2) There was a bullying issue last year - only nasty verbals as far as we know, we've had it dealt with and it seems to have gone away
3) Class is very noisy and inexperienced teacher spends most of her time shouting to gain control - he hates the shouting. But in my view I can't be telling a teacher how to run her classroom though.
4) He lacks self confidence to deal with the rough and tumble of school....this part is so hard to deal with
I need to renew my efforts to get to the bottom of it.....you're right though I've been throwing things at him in the hope something will stick. I need to flip the discussion.
If you can find what engages him and spend time with him on that you may well get results. And could have a lot of fun with him exploring it yourself.
It's easy for schools to label someone who is a bit "different" as somehow less than the norm. I couldn't disagree more with this - and it's not just hard pressed state schools who do this.
Ask the school if he can use the library if they have one - or some other resource if they don't. There are loads of different ways of making your way in life and most schools (and parents) struggle to see this.
And - he's only 10. People develop at a different rate so expecting him to self confident now is a bit old-school one size fits all.
Kids - f
king hard work but very rewarding when you solve a problemYou know, it could all just be part of growing up. Kids reach different stages of growing up at different ages. If the testosterone is starting to flow, this affect kids differently and at different ages. Also, there is the attention thing too. Kicking off about things creates attention - sitting in the car for 10 mins with someone listening to a rant, for example. Isn't this what happens, in maybe different forms, to most kids at some stage?
Rather than heading down an assessment path, is there at least an argument for letting him just be. Make sure you/partner are there if he wants to talk, encourage (but don't force) activities, ask to join him with some things - if he's been creative, get involved yourself. What's the worst that can happen by doing all this, rather than contemplating labels, therapies, drugs etc?
Another thing to consider...is his lack of engagement/interest in school because he's not being pushed/challenged? My eldest went through a very similar phase re school. We discussed with the school and asked if he could be moved up a year. They were reluctant, but he was certainly clever enough. Anyway, they agreed and he never looked back. Loved school after that and stayed a year ahead all through GCSE, A levels and uni.
I think you should listen to your gut feel of not wanting him labeled.
Rather than heading down an assessment path, is there at least an argument for letting him just be. Make sure you/partner are there if he wants to talk, encourage (but don't force) activities, ask to join him with some things - if he's been creative, get involved yourself. What's the worst that can happen by doing all this, rather than contemplating labels, therapies, drugs etc?
Another thing to consider...is his lack of engagement/interest in school because he's not being pushed/challenged? My eldest went through a very similar phase re school. We discussed with the school and asked if he could be moved up a year. They were reluctant, but he was certainly clever enough. Anyway, they agreed and he never looked back. Loved school after that and stayed a year ahead all through GCSE, A levels and uni.
I think you should listen to your gut feel of not wanting him labeled.
Can I just say it doesn't sound too bad my lad is 13 and was quiet similar to your lad.
He would only go for his hair-cut with his mum, to a hairdressers, until he was 10.
He would always tell us he had no friends at school and played alone at breaks.
He never went out to play
He was also into trading card games, Manga, never liked football and didn't really do sports so was always a bit niche with what he liked.
what we didn't do was let him stay off school and we spoke with his teachers about what he was telling us.
We also controlled his screentime so he didn't stay up late.
Once he went to secondary school though he found his people, and now has a circle of friends who like stuff like him, a girlfriend and goes out. just stick with him and support him and hopefully like my lad he will eventually find people just like him.
He would only go for his hair-cut with his mum, to a hairdressers, until he was 10.
He would always tell us he had no friends at school and played alone at breaks.
He never went out to play
He was also into trading card games, Manga, never liked football and didn't really do sports so was always a bit niche with what he liked.
what we didn't do was let him stay off school and we spoke with his teachers about what he was telling us.
We also controlled his screentime so he didn't stay up late.
Once he went to secondary school though he found his people, and now has a circle of friends who like stuff like him, a girlfriend and goes out. just stick with him and support him and hopefully like my lad he will eventually find people just like him.
Attending school regularly you can control and have a duty to get him there every single day. You obviously don’t just let him skip school because he doesn’t want to go.
Definitely investigate the bullying issue to rule that out it sounds like there is an issue there. Why would a 10 year old want a haircut out of the blue on a Wednesday night. Someone has said something.
Also speak to the school about friends in school they can help facilitate this.
As for ADHD or Autism forget the NHS and find a private consultant / therapist we have done this a few times not that expensive and adds weight to any support you might need from school or council.
Definitely investigate the bullying issue to rule that out it sounds like there is an issue there. Why would a 10 year old want a haircut out of the blue on a Wednesday night. Someone has said something.
Also speak to the school about friends in school they can help facilitate this.
As for ADHD or Autism forget the NHS and find a private consultant / therapist we have done this a few times not that expensive and adds weight to any support you might need from school or council.
Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff