Mums personality change
Discussion
This is not a full on thing yet. But I've spotted it a few times of late when I visit my parents (late 70s) Bit of a ramble, so apologies.
So as a background. My parents have been married for 53 years. So far as I'm aware neither have ever been unfaithful. Ups and downs but nothing catastrophic. 2 grown up kids. Teenage grandkids too from my younger brother. (The same younger brother that now rarely sends her a birthday card! So not really someone I can run this past) My Dad clearly knows his role as a Husband. The provider. He worked long hours before retiring. The family budget was modest. But we never starved or froze. When HER mum was nearing the end, it was my Dad who visited her every night on his way home from work. (which he confided in me he hated doing!) My mum just ignored the problems. With hindsight I don't believe my Father got the credit from my mum he deserved.
My mother was a housewife after giving up work to have me in the late 70s. She never returned to work (her choice it seems) which I'm sure was not healthy really as it made her very insular. Particularly when she stopped taking the kids to school and stopped interacting so much with the other parents. Neither of my parents are sociable. They don't go out much together beyond the shops. They haven't been on holiday together since I was born no matter how much I try to encourage it. My Mum is becoming a real agoraphobe and spends most of her day watching the news! Which I don't approve of. My Dad will go for walks and he likes to come with me to watch me compete at a couple of sports. He's mentally and physically sharper than my mum in pretty much every area. By contrast I've noticed a decline in hers.
More than a few times over the last few years my mum will talk about my dad as if its just a useless lump of flesh. He worked in accounting for all his professional life. But she'll talk to him, me or random shop staff etc about how he's useless with numbers and she has to manage all his tax and pension affairs. Which clearly he doesn't. For contrast my Mum left school at 15 with no gcses and worked VERY basic admin jobs until she got married and then pregnant. He knows I know the truth and he never bites at her comments. She complains about his driving (safe and thankfully not that doddery old guy doing 15 in a 40) but cant drive herself!
A few months back, she was talking about things and then the conversation turned to "of course if I had my time again Id not have married your dad" And this was not a joke. This was a serious thing. There was a real venom to it. Which surprised.
My dad was clearly upset by it and got up and walked out. (he's remarkably stoic in general) She then proceeded to complain about him. "I could have done so much better" "I had better alternatives" Even going so far as to telling me "he wasn't very romantic, or 'interested' which is why it took 7 years post marriage for me to be born!"
She hinted at Divorce. Which is ridiculous. Without my Dad she'd fall apart. I've often thought that my Dad would be OK if my Mum died first. But not the other way round.
I tried to play it down, make light of it. But in the end I had to forcibly change the subject.
Tonight she pretty much repeated word for word that last part. With the exact same results.
My gut is this is the start of mental decline for my Mum. I believe its the "self control" part of your brain that give up first (Or maybe its just now she cant be bothered to hide her contempt for others.) Whether that's to Alzheimer's or whatever I don't know. She has repeated to me 3 times something over the last few visits. She doesn't bother to put on her reading glasses. So squints at everything. I don't really know what my Dad thinks.
Like I say, we're not at "intervention get her to the GP" (Which she would resist I have no doubt!) and have her put on medication. So does anyone have any ideas on what signs to look for when we DO get to that point?
Cheers
So as a background. My parents have been married for 53 years. So far as I'm aware neither have ever been unfaithful. Ups and downs but nothing catastrophic. 2 grown up kids. Teenage grandkids too from my younger brother. (The same younger brother that now rarely sends her a birthday card! So not really someone I can run this past) My Dad clearly knows his role as a Husband. The provider. He worked long hours before retiring. The family budget was modest. But we never starved or froze. When HER mum was nearing the end, it was my Dad who visited her every night on his way home from work. (which he confided in me he hated doing!) My mum just ignored the problems. With hindsight I don't believe my Father got the credit from my mum he deserved.
My mother was a housewife after giving up work to have me in the late 70s. She never returned to work (her choice it seems) which I'm sure was not healthy really as it made her very insular. Particularly when she stopped taking the kids to school and stopped interacting so much with the other parents. Neither of my parents are sociable. They don't go out much together beyond the shops. They haven't been on holiday together since I was born no matter how much I try to encourage it. My Mum is becoming a real agoraphobe and spends most of her day watching the news! Which I don't approve of. My Dad will go for walks and he likes to come with me to watch me compete at a couple of sports. He's mentally and physically sharper than my mum in pretty much every area. By contrast I've noticed a decline in hers.
More than a few times over the last few years my mum will talk about my dad as if its just a useless lump of flesh. He worked in accounting for all his professional life. But she'll talk to him, me or random shop staff etc about how he's useless with numbers and she has to manage all his tax and pension affairs. Which clearly he doesn't. For contrast my Mum left school at 15 with no gcses and worked VERY basic admin jobs until she got married and then pregnant. He knows I know the truth and he never bites at her comments. She complains about his driving (safe and thankfully not that doddery old guy doing 15 in a 40) but cant drive herself!
A few months back, she was talking about things and then the conversation turned to "of course if I had my time again Id not have married your dad" And this was not a joke. This was a serious thing. There was a real venom to it. Which surprised.
My dad was clearly upset by it and got up and walked out. (he's remarkably stoic in general) She then proceeded to complain about him. "I could have done so much better" "I had better alternatives" Even going so far as to telling me "he wasn't very romantic, or 'interested' which is why it took 7 years post marriage for me to be born!"
She hinted at Divorce. Which is ridiculous. Without my Dad she'd fall apart. I've often thought that my Dad would be OK if my Mum died first. But not the other way round.I tried to play it down, make light of it. But in the end I had to forcibly change the subject.
Tonight she pretty much repeated word for word that last part. With the exact same results.
My gut is this is the start of mental decline for my Mum. I believe its the "self control" part of your brain that give up first (Or maybe its just now she cant be bothered to hide her contempt for others.) Whether that's to Alzheimer's or whatever I don't know. She has repeated to me 3 times something over the last few visits. She doesn't bother to put on her reading glasses. So squints at everything. I don't really know what my Dad thinks.
Like I say, we're not at "intervention get her to the GP" (Which she would resist I have no doubt!) and have her put on medication. So does anyone have any ideas on what signs to look for when we DO get to that point?
Cheers
I’d say it’s so progressive it’s hard to draw a line.
There are some similarities in your tale to my situation, parents late 70s and I have noticed a sort of nasty, mean streak in both of them emerging over the last few years. It’s sort of palpable but not too obvious. They have never been particularly interested in me or my life and that’s just how we are, but recently they have, on occasion, been spiteful more than indifferent.
I have in the past questioned my mother (mine are different to yours in that my mother has harboured the chip that yours seems to have but she is fairing better in later life that my father) about my father’s memory lapses, his hearing is poor and neither will let him have a hearing aid to the extent he relies on my mother to translate important conversations. He just pretends to hear general chit chat and gets a bit arsey when he’s caught out for not following.
Interestingly a few years ago my father told me he had set up a trust for their estate, hinting at a lack of trust of my mother, but not elaborating.
To address your question, you are fortunate in that you have a relationship with your father, so I would try to maintain a dialogue with him regularly to allow him to talk to you about the problem. There’s not a lot more you can do in the immediate future.
There are some similarities in your tale to my situation, parents late 70s and I have noticed a sort of nasty, mean streak in both of them emerging over the last few years. It’s sort of palpable but not too obvious. They have never been particularly interested in me or my life and that’s just how we are, but recently they have, on occasion, been spiteful more than indifferent.
I have in the past questioned my mother (mine are different to yours in that my mother has harboured the chip that yours seems to have but she is fairing better in later life that my father) about my father’s memory lapses, his hearing is poor and neither will let him have a hearing aid to the extent he relies on my mother to translate important conversations. He just pretends to hear general chit chat and gets a bit arsey when he’s caught out for not following.
Interestingly a few years ago my father told me he had set up a trust for their estate, hinting at a lack of trust of my mother, but not elaborating.
To address your question, you are fortunate in that you have a relationship with your father, so I would try to maintain a dialogue with him regularly to allow him to talk to you about the problem. There’s not a lot more you can do in the immediate future.
Write to her Doctor and suggest they assess her.
My mother in law showed signs and then went down hill rapidly. Think of their subtle personality traits suddenly being turned up to max volume….almost like a drunk person does, the filters get removed.
People who amount to little in life often have deep defensive mechanisms, your mums are probably now being amplified.
My mother in law showed signs and then went down hill rapidly. Think of their subtle personality traits suddenly being turned up to max volume….almost like a drunk person does, the filters get removed.
People who amount to little in life often have deep defensive mechanisms, your mums are probably now being amplified.
Ruskie said:
I would speak to the GP, memory screening and bloods would be a likely start point. Not sure what medication you are referring to but that wouldn’t be a start point initially. I can assure you wouldn’t be wasting their time, and she needs an urgent assessment IMO.
This.But also your mum is quite old. When people get to your mum's age they can get really cranky, say things which should never be said, and lose all sense of self-control. It can be early onset of something, but it can also just be awful behaviour - and they couldn't care less.
My mum (90) had all the memory tests and surprisingly did quite well. Apparently she's quite healthy - but also quite obnoxious some of the time.
Talk to your Dad about it, he might be glad to have the conversation. There again he might be in denial too so you could be opening a can of worms.
People do get cranky as they age, but the loss of the social filter is also typical of dementia and warrants further investigation.
I would be pushing your Dad to get their doc involved, GPs are used to dealing with this.
People do get cranky as they age, but the loss of the social filter is also typical of dementia and warrants further investigation.
I would be pushing your Dad to get their doc involved, GPs are used to dealing with this.
Sounds like early onset dementia to me sadly.
It is a horrible disease and doesn’t get better.
Can suggest that if possible an early diagnosis with the GP although probably hard to achieve since your mum is unlikely to accept there is anything wrong with her - all part of the brain starting to go haywire sadly. My MIL would never acknowledge there was anything wrong at all and made up all types of excuses as to why she couldn’t remember things.
Try speaking to these people at Dementia Uk for advice and help for you and your dad and if possible use the services of an Admiral Nurse if they are in your area. SIL is one and now works on the Dementia UK helpline.
https://www.dementiauk.org/information-and-support...
It is a horrible disease and doesn’t get better.
Can suggest that if possible an early diagnosis with the GP although probably hard to achieve since your mum is unlikely to accept there is anything wrong with her - all part of the brain starting to go haywire sadly. My MIL would never acknowledge there was anything wrong at all and made up all types of excuses as to why she couldn’t remember things.
Try speaking to these people at Dementia Uk for advice and help for you and your dad and if possible use the services of an Admiral Nurse if they are in your area. SIL is one and now works on the Dementia UK helpline.
https://www.dementiauk.org/information-and-support...
lizardbrain said:
I'm afraid i recognise much of this. Started off just a snarky comments, then progressed through the spectrum right up to her calling the police on him.
horrific disease
Me too. My mum turned into quite a vindictive person as the mental decline took hold, and was very hard on my Dad. In her case it was vascular dementia that was the cause.horrific disease
Riff Raff said:
lizardbrain said:
I'm afraid i recognise much of this. Started off just a snarky comments, then progressed through the spectrum right up to her calling the police on him.
horrific disease
Me too. My mum turned into quite a vindictive person as the mental decline took hold, and was very hard on my Dad. In her case it was vascular dementia that was the cause.horrific disease
I think the vascular side may be the worst rather than just age related dementia- my MIL started with it in her mid 60s, gradually getting worse and spent the last 5 years of her life tormented in a specialist nursing home.
Boringvolvodriver said:
paulguitar said:
Early-onset dementia is indicated in patients under 65. OP says his mum is late 70s.
Apologies- that said it doesn’t change the fact that it sounds a lot like dementia Or Alzheimer’s Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff