Discussion
Feel bad that I feel bad so much - the house is paid for, money in the bank, decent car, highly employable, no health worries . . . there’s quite a few people who would swap.
But my (adopted) mum’s lifelong poor mental health (I was conceived pre-pill, back when they had so many healthy babies to give away anyone qualified!) has given way to dementia. I was visiting daily but just can’t do it anymore and am relying on a paid “shopper”, etc. Also NHS funded carers (diagnosed medical condition - I think she may well be still under Section 117 MHA). She stabbed me once, year ago and before she was sectioned, when I was trying to persuade her to see a doctor. That’s just background.
Five weeks into new job (yes, again, how much worse not to have one!). Background.
And we have a teenager. Peak teenage experience. All year I’ve kept going, hanging on for two weeks starting today, when he’s at a coaching camp for his chosen sport, in the Midlands. Six, eight, ten months, this has been the light at the end of the tunnel.
Two weeks where we could breathe a bit easier at home (and, to be fair, when said teenager would be blissfully happy with physical exercise and “fitting in”) . . . maybe actually go out with my wife for a night, even have sex if I can remember what goes where?
So, teenager and I drove up to the Midlands last night ready for camp registration this morning. Except he’s just injured himself in the swimming pool and possibly broken something so we’re off to A&E instead.
Don’t think it’s sunk in yet. Don’t know how I’m still calm, rational, and functioning.
Even at the best of times I’m an introvert, outsider, socially awkward. This is not the best of times!
But my (adopted) mum’s lifelong poor mental health (I was conceived pre-pill, back when they had so many healthy babies to give away anyone qualified!) has given way to dementia. I was visiting daily but just can’t do it anymore and am relying on a paid “shopper”, etc. Also NHS funded carers (diagnosed medical condition - I think she may well be still under Section 117 MHA). She stabbed me once, year ago and before she was sectioned, when I was trying to persuade her to see a doctor. That’s just background.
Five weeks into new job (yes, again, how much worse not to have one!). Background.
And we have a teenager. Peak teenage experience. All year I’ve kept going, hanging on for two weeks starting today, when he’s at a coaching camp for his chosen sport, in the Midlands. Six, eight, ten months, this has been the light at the end of the tunnel.
Two weeks where we could breathe a bit easier at home (and, to be fair, when said teenager would be blissfully happy with physical exercise and “fitting in”) . . . maybe actually go out with my wife for a night, even have sex if I can remember what goes where?
So, teenager and I drove up to the Midlands last night ready for camp registration this morning. Except he’s just injured himself in the swimming pool and possibly broken something so we’re off to A&E instead.
Don’t think it’s sunk in yet. Don’t know how I’m still calm, rational, and functioning.
Even at the best of times I’m an introvert, outsider, socially awkward. This is not the best of times!
lizardbrain said:
I'm perhaps being a bit naive having very young family, but is it not possible to go out for a few hours in the evening, with a teenager at home?
Don't they hide in bedrooms for days on end?
Just leave a note on the fridge door. Make it vague. Back soon. Maybe Tomorrow, maybe next week. Here's a 20 quid note for food. Plenty of tins in the cupboard if you run out. Love mum and Dad. Don't they hide in bedrooms for days on end?
You'd get back 2 days later and find he's still in bed.
I'm sorry to hear of your present difficulties.
I worked as a psychotherapist for many years.
As you are an adoptee may I suggest that you check out this website (to which I have no affiliation).
https://www.pac-uk.org/our-services/adopted-adults...
These folk are therapists who are expert in dealing with the ongoing trauma that an adoptee can suffer from.
Adoptees are overrepresented in both addiction and mental health cohorts. I've worked with quite a few over the years.
The feelings of loss, grief, failure, loneliness and lack of self worth are extremely common in adoptees.
To the world at large adoption is seen as an ideal solution to two problems: a child who needs parents and parents, who, for one reason or another, are unable to have children naturally.
However, there's so much more to the relationship.
To the parents, the child can represent their biological failure - a damaged substitute for the 'perfect' child they never had.
The child itself suffered the terrifying trauma of one day calling for its mother who didn't return and never would. An adopted child does not see its face reflected in that of its family. These and other factors can lead to the child feeling that the world is a hostile, lonely and alienating place. Many carry this into adulthood, where it informs their relationships in negative ways. Trust is often an issue.
Talking to someone who understands the particular mindset of an adoptee may well help you to negotiate your present hurdles with clarity and purpose.
I wish you all the best. The help is out there. I'd be happy to chat with you if you'd like. Just PM me through here.
Though sadly for me, as I'm retired I can't charge you for my services!
All the best.
I worked as a psychotherapist for many years.
As you are an adoptee may I suggest that you check out this website (to which I have no affiliation).
https://www.pac-uk.org/our-services/adopted-adults...
These folk are therapists who are expert in dealing with the ongoing trauma that an adoptee can suffer from.
Adoptees are overrepresented in both addiction and mental health cohorts. I've worked with quite a few over the years.
The feelings of loss, grief, failure, loneliness and lack of self worth are extremely common in adoptees.
To the world at large adoption is seen as an ideal solution to two problems: a child who needs parents and parents, who, for one reason or another, are unable to have children naturally.
However, there's so much more to the relationship.
To the parents, the child can represent their biological failure - a damaged substitute for the 'perfect' child they never had.
The child itself suffered the terrifying trauma of one day calling for its mother who didn't return and never would. An adopted child does not see its face reflected in that of its family. These and other factors can lead to the child feeling that the world is a hostile, lonely and alienating place. Many carry this into adulthood, where it informs their relationships in negative ways. Trust is often an issue.
Talking to someone who understands the particular mindset of an adoptee may well help you to negotiate your present hurdles with clarity and purpose.
I wish you all the best. The help is out there. I'd be happy to chat with you if you'd like. Just PM me through here.
Though sadly for me, as I'm retired I can't charge you for my services!
All the best.
Jonmx said:
I feel you. Many parallels with my life, particularly with geriatric care of parents and their mental ill health. It's really s
t, and it's really tough. Have you got a mate you can go for a drink with and unload and talk things through?
Unfortunately not - people seem pleased to see me at car events, or at work, but nobody close enough to dump stuff on. Never really had friends.t, and it's really tough. Have you got a mate you can go for a drink with and unload and talk things through?(That sort of caused my last wobble - we joined a yacht club last year and I (stupidly) had visions of ‘socialising’. In fact huge stress resulted when I had no one to talk to at the bar . . . although that’s partly got better in that people will proactively approach me now when they need help with crewing a safety boat or putting out marks. Stupid misapprehension . . . took me back to living alone in Chiswick in the 1990s and watching happy people sitting in groups at trendy pavement cafés).
My wife’s very gregarious and well liked, so what social life we have is via her.
Good that you're feeling healthier in body, is the mind also benefiting?!
Octoposse said:
Unfortunately not - people seem pleased to see me at car events, or at work, but nobody close enough to dump stuff on. Never really had friends.
+
My wife’s very gregarious and well liked, so what social life we have is via her.
I feel that this could be a topic in itself as there are LOTS of guys in this position where somehow although they are sociable and have lots of acquaintances & buddies keeping close friends that aren't also shared with the wife/partner can be troublesome. It makes having someone who you can really share your rants & raves with much harder if there is that thought of them then relaying information (intentionally or not) back to the other partner. +
My wife’s very gregarious and well liked, so what social life we have is via her.
Octoposse said:
Jonmx said:
I feel you. Many parallels with my life, particularly with geriatric care of parents and their mental ill health. It's really st, and it's really tough. Have you got a mate you can go for a drink with and unload and talk things through?
Unfortunately not - people seem pleased to see me at car events, or at work, but nobody close enough to dump stuff on. Never really had friends.t, and it's really tough. Have you got a mate you can go for a drink with and unload and talk things through?(That sort of caused my last wobble - we joined a yacht club last year and I (stupidly) had visions of ‘socialising’. In fact huge stress resulted when I had no one to talk to at the bar . . . although that’s partly got better in that people will proactively approach me now when they need help with crewing a safety boat or putting out marks. Stupid misapprehension . . . took me back to living alone in Chiswick in the 1990s and watching happy people sitting in groups at trendy pavement cafés).
My wife’s very gregarious and well liked, so what social life we have is via her.
You can change the dynamic with your social life, invite people from car events or work,for drinks, dinner, a BBQ at your home, don,t let your wife hold all the cards, arrange YOUR social life all the time, I get the feeling you have some resentment of this, and you need to talk to her about this, if you fit in with her plans, she should and fit in with those you make.
The people who have become the people I talk to, are car people, friends I have made in the trade and my classics, people on my wavelength, not old friends, most have drifted away for many reasons, it is not like days of yore, when people married locally and stayed local, things have changed.
As others have said, Speak to your GP, be honest about your feelings, and insist on a health check, a full range of blood tests.
I was surprised to find I had dangerously low levels of Folic Acid, a presribed boost of high strength tablets made such a difference. Ruling out any hidden health issues is a good place to start, as did probiotics, gut health is strongly linked to brain health.
Only you can change things, not easy with a sick parent, things on your mind, but you do need to look after your physical and mental health, nobody can do that for you.
Good to see things have improved, this is the time to impriove them more.
Blib said:
The child itself suffered the terrifying trauma of one day calling for its mother who didn't return and never would. An adopted child does not see its face reflected in that of its family. These and other factors can lead to the child feeling that the world is a hostile, lonely and alienating place. Many carry this into adulthood, where it informs their relationships in negative ways. Trust is often an issue.
Thanks for this - I think I was exposed to a bit of ”just be grateful someone has given you a home” growing up. One thing I’m now permanently guilty about is, when I traced my birth mother a few years ago (she since died, relatively young) I was in a self centred mindset that it was “all about me”. Much later I realised the huge trauma she went through, back in the 1960s.
At her funeral (lots of people, she was well loved) I met relatives who hadn’t known about me until that day . . . and it was a lightbulb moment for them as they realised what had caused the family rift between my mother and her mother . . . pregnancy.
lizardbrain said:
I'm perhaps being a bit naive having very young family, but is it not possible to go out for a few hours in the evening, with a teenager at home?
Don't they hide in bedrooms for days on end?
It’s more that one / both of us will be too stressed to make the effort enjoyable and worthwhile.Don't they hide in bedrooms for days on end?
Octoposse said:
It’s more that one / both of us will be too stressed to make the effort enjoyable and worthwhile.
I think you should get cbt therapy on how to manage anxiety. Helped a lot for me. There are actual methods decent therapists use (try and get one with a PhD). It’s not just talking about your self. If you can afford yacht club you can afford a therapist
Jonmx said:
I hope you're doing better today OP.
Can you not send son off to the course with a box of Ibuprofen? Even if he can't engage fully, surely observing would be of value.
Thanks - that’s what we’ve done (with the camp’s agreement - they know him from the last two years).Can you not send son off to the course with a box of Ibuprofen? Even if he can't engage fully, surely observing would be of value.
X-ray confirmed no broken bones - apparently heel hasn’t fused yet (normal) and it’ll be good to go when it stops hurting. So he’s helping on the sidelines (good experience, as he wants to do a BTech in Sports Science after GCSEs, and then some sort of career in professional sport: coaching, sports centre management, even joining one of the forces with the view to becoming a PTI).
I’m a bit less depressed now - upset for him instead of feeling sorry for myself (probably healthier). These sports camps are his happiest time - I wonder if it’s the structure as much as the activity? Certainly the people.
Unbelievable - months of anticipation almost undone my a simple pre-dinner dip in a hotel swimming pool that’s designed to be safe for toddlers and eighty-somethings!
He’s a tall fit guy - 14, over 6’, could pass for 17 . . . but just 14 on the inside.
I’m back working from home now, trying to crack difficult problems with unfamiliar tools, which doesn’t help.
That was a real wobble Sunday —> Monday! Kind words on here helped - thanks all.
Not sure if you've heard of it, but Andy's Man Club is a charity for men to help talk and support each other with personal things. Something that, as a sex, we're notoriously crap at doing. There are hundreds of groups across the UK for men to go to on a Monday night to get support and/or vent about anything from stubbed my toe today and I'm now in a bad mood to dealing with PTSD, trauma, serious mental illness etc - and everything in between. It's just about men opening up, talking and supporting each other. I've only been to my local one a few times (took a few weeks to build up the courage to walk through the door), but even that really lifted my spirits - just knowing they're always an option should I feel the need to pop in.
They're not a subsitiute for professional help, but a great support network.
They're not a subsitiute for professional help, but a great support network.
Further update: drove up to see my son. Foot hasn’t got any better and he hasn’t been able to play all week.
He is in tears and utterly inconsolable from watching eighty other kids competing. Course is another seven days, but I’m taking him home this morning.
Right now I’m feeling for him - there’s just nothing I can say / do to make it better. 11 months he’s been looking forward to this, and working hard to get recognition such as MVP.
Don’t know how I’ll cope when I’m back to the reality that that’s my summer royally fked to boot!
He is in tears and utterly inconsolable from watching eighty other kids competing. Course is another seven days, but I’m taking him home this morning.
Right now I’m feeling for him - there’s just nothing I can say / do to make it better. 11 months he’s been looking forward to this, and working hard to get recognition such as MVP.
Don’t know how I’ll cope when I’m back to the reality that that’s my summer royally f
ked to boot!Octoposse said:
Feel bad that I feel bad so much - the house is paid for, money in the bank, decent car, highly employable, no health worries . . . there’s quite a few people who would swap.
Took me a very long time to realise, that even if you’re materially better off than the vast majority of people, it’s ok to not be ok. Don’t feel guilty for having those things, depression is an illness that doesn’t care if your mortgage is paid off or not. As the proud owner of a 16 year old daughter, I can understand some of the issues, challenges and mindset you are facing.
Obviously there is no golden ticket but what has worked for me on occasion is to flip the situation on its head when it comes to adversity, for example, your son wont spend the full time at the camp, but could this be an opportunity for you to spend some time 1 on 1 with him away from the family home?
If he is being challenging, see it as fortunate to be able to experience this at the time and know that in the future you will look back on it with (likely) fond memories. The same for your relationship with your partner, ultimately hold hope that all of this will strengthen what you have at a deeper level.
Obviously there is no golden ticket but what has worked for me on occasion is to flip the situation on its head when it comes to adversity, for example, your son wont spend the full time at the camp, but could this be an opportunity for you to spend some time 1 on 1 with him away from the family home?
If he is being challenging, see it as fortunate to be able to experience this at the time and know that in the future you will look back on it with (likely) fond memories. The same for your relationship with your partner, ultimately hold hope that all of this will strengthen what you have at a deeper level.
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