Falling apart physically and mentally
Discussion
Hi
I'm 39, live with partner and no kids. Good job with decent pay and work from home doing cybersecurity work.
For about 4 months my life has felt increasingly more difficult and challenging. It's getting worse and part of me just doesn't see an end in sight.
Physical
These are very minor, often not too bad but just very annoying and sometimes cause discomfort if trying to exercise. Maybe I'm just getting older or there's something else going on. I have spoken via phone to a physio but as it was just so non-specific, like "it's hurty if I do this" she just gave me some exercises.
Physical issues are:
Mental and other things
Thanks
I'm 39, live with partner and no kids. Good job with decent pay and work from home doing cybersecurity work.
For about 4 months my life has felt increasingly more difficult and challenging. It's getting worse and part of me just doesn't see an end in sight.
Physical
These are very minor, often not too bad but just very annoying and sometimes cause discomfort if trying to exercise. Maybe I'm just getting older or there's something else going on. I have spoken via phone to a physio but as it was just so non-specific, like "it's hurty if I do this" she just gave me some exercises.
Physical issues are:
- Sore hips - possibly from sitting so much at my desk - trying to stand more during the day and stretch too
- Ankles sore and this has made some exercise hard like running.
- Painful lower legs including similar to Achilles tendonitis but also very tight calves
- Plantar fasciatus in left foot - eased off now and it wasn't too severe
- Sore right knee sometimes. This prevents me squatting properly and sometimes after running (which I gave up on)
Mental and other things
- Not sleeping more than 3-4 hours and this is broken sleep, poor quality and I feel continually dishevelled.
- I will often "selfharm" with food. I eat sometimes stupidly and binge eat. Last night I got up at 11pm and despite knowing it was stupid, I ate two toasties and just sat watching tv for about two hours.
- Same with things like diet coke. I'll go through phases where I'll just drink excessive volumes. I don't even enjoy it and know it's disgusting but I just can't help it
- Mentally this makes me feel useless, stupid, weak and pathetic
- I stopped drinking alcohol for a while. Recently started again and also abuse this.
- I feel continually on edge about work stuff
- I worry nonstop about things like my colleague who barely does any work and it's always down to me
- I now lay in bed annoyed about it and imagine stuff like I bet you, he doesn't reply to that email, or doesn't do that report and then it's down to me to do it
- My job involves working on a small team covering all timezones. There's only two of us in the Europe side. So after I log off there's still people working and sometimes updates overnight. Compared to my previous jobs this is different as in other roles everyone finished at the same time, mentally I could leave it.
- I do have to sometimes work more hours, which I don't mind. The company are good and my big boss is great. So if I work 16 hours for a few days, then generally there's a period of it being a bit slower, and then I just spend parts of the day going to the gym (well I stopped this now) or just going shopping
- I don't mind work, I just can't switch off a lot of the time. I often log off but then spend hours worrying about things, or thinking about it. It's 100x worse if there's something going on, like a live problem I am dealing with, or a particular "thing".
- I feel hopless
- I often feel it's inevitable that something bad is going to happen.
- When I am basically abusing myself with food and consumption, then not sleeping, then worrying, then getting angry, I just think that I'm in that deep a hole, that I can't repair or recover from these things.
- I often look around in public and see people who look full of life, bouncing along the street, so composed, free of issues. Then I feel basically like I have three heavy backpacks on, feeling lethargic, not rested, tired, hopeless, etc.
- I'm intelligent (in some ways) and know things that I can change/control like not f
king eating myself even fatter at night but just don't - The house is a mess, I can't be bothered to sort it out. I just ignore the piles of mess. Why bother? I just can't see the point and I don't have the energy most of the time to sort it out
- I'm angry all the time. I mean properly angry. I've started driving like an absolute prick and this also makes me feel worse about my whole situation and my behaviour. I am ashamed of this and after each journey I often sit there and think "Wtf was that about??".
- I have had some depression in the past, very mild and it often passes after a few months.
- I'm not interested in counselling. I've had a lot of it in the past and although it helped a little, I just got tired of it
- I have no friends (well a couple but they're often only text messages every now and again, often delayed and just not fulfilling)
- A lot of hobbies but often things just on my own (which I quite like most of the time) but they're exercise related and I feel so "battered" I just can't get the energy or motivation to do them now
Thanks
You sound depressed.
I recognise about 70% of what you say there from myself a while back, and I was definitely depressed.
I'd recommend talking to someone - I'm a dozen or so sessions in with a psychologist - it's made a massive difference. I'd definitely speak to you GP as a matter of urgency.
I recognise about 70% of what you say there from myself a while back, and I was definitely depressed.
I'd recommend talking to someone - I'm a dozen or so sessions in with a psychologist - it's made a massive difference. I'd definitely speak to you GP as a matter of urgency.
Sorry to hear you are feeling like this.
(I am not a doctor or a medical practitioner) it does sound like possible depression and anxiety. That doesn't necessarily help you though as the root cause could be a number of things. I had similar 2 years ago (and I am by no means suggesting that your root cause is the same as mine) and spent time on CBT for anxiety - which was useful and also a prescription for Escitalopram. It kind of helped in the short term but there was no effort to diagnose the root cause.
After a year or so of being on the meds, I had a full set of bloods that showed low Testosterone (the symptoms of which can be low energy, depression, anxiety, poor physical recovery etc).
I'm no longer on the anti-anxiety meds and am on TRT.
As I say, not wishing to diagnose via the keyboard but what was very helpful to me was a set of private bloods (about £130) to check my hormone levels, various functions etc. No harm in seeing your GP and telling them how you feel, but based on the above I suspect they will ask if you are willing to go on anti depressants / anti anxiety meds unless there is something else going on in your life that might be contributing to feeling like this.
(I am not a doctor or a medical practitioner) it does sound like possible depression and anxiety. That doesn't necessarily help you though as the root cause could be a number of things. I had similar 2 years ago (and I am by no means suggesting that your root cause is the same as mine) and spent time on CBT for anxiety - which was useful and also a prescription for Escitalopram. It kind of helped in the short term but there was no effort to diagnose the root cause.
After a year or so of being on the meds, I had a full set of bloods that showed low Testosterone (the symptoms of which can be low energy, depression, anxiety, poor physical recovery etc).
I'm no longer on the anti-anxiety meds and am on TRT.
As I say, not wishing to diagnose via the keyboard but what was very helpful to me was a set of private bloods (about £130) to check my hormone levels, various functions etc. No harm in seeing your GP and telling them how you feel, but based on the above I suspect they will ask if you are willing to go on anti depressants / anti anxiety meds unless there is something else going on in your life that might be contributing to feeling like this.
I'd suggest separating the causes from the effects.
You have listed a lot of the symptoms (over-eating, angry, drinking, low energy etc) but they are probably mostly the effect of how your mind is responding (and trying to cope) with whatever is actually the cause.
I'd suggest thinking very carefully about what is the cause. They may also be more than one. Common causes might be related to sex, money, or stress.
Once you have the cause/s figured out, if you can tackle those, I think you will be very surprised how quickly some of the issues you have listed will start to improve.
You have listed a lot of the symptoms (over-eating, angry, drinking, low energy etc) but they are probably mostly the effect of how your mind is responding (and trying to cope) with whatever is actually the cause.
I'd suggest thinking very carefully about what is the cause. They may also be more than one. Common causes might be related to sex, money, or stress.
Once you have the cause/s figured out, if you can tackle those, I think you will be very surprised how quickly some of the issues you have listed will start to improve.
Sebo said:
Sorry to hear you are feeling like this.
(I am not a doctor or a medical practitioner) it does sound like possible depression and anxiety. That doesn't necessarily help you though as the root cause could be a number of things. I had similar 2 years ago (and I am by no means suggesting that your root cause is the same as mine) and spent time on CBT for anxiety - which was useful and also a prescription for Escitalopram. It kind of helped in the short term but there was no effort to diagnose the root cause.
After a year or so of being on the meds, I had a full set of bloods that showed low Testosterone (the symptoms of which can be low energy, depression, anxiety, poor physical recovery etc).
I'm no longer on the anti-anxiety meds and am on TRT.
As I say, not wishing to diagnose via the keyboard but what was very helpful to me was a set of private bloods (about £130) to check my hormone levels, various functions etc. No harm in seeing your GP and telling them how you feel, but based on the above I suspect they will ask if you are willing to go on anti depressants / anti anxiety meds unless there is something else going on in your life that might be contributing to feeling like this.
Had a very similar issue. Do check the test result in the app. My testosterone level was in the normal range, but right at the very bottom. It's a very wide range. After heated debate i got the consultant to give it a go. It was night and day. Went from being 23 stone, sedentary with arthritis, high BP, cholesterol and sleep apnoea to 13st and zero health issues. Plenty of exercise. Though i do have concerns i'm going down a bit. But then i have some other issues going on too. Not my health related.(I am not a doctor or a medical practitioner) it does sound like possible depression and anxiety. That doesn't necessarily help you though as the root cause could be a number of things. I had similar 2 years ago (and I am by no means suggesting that your root cause is the same as mine) and spent time on CBT for anxiety - which was useful and also a prescription for Escitalopram. It kind of helped in the short term but there was no effort to diagnose the root cause.
After a year or so of being on the meds, I had a full set of bloods that showed low Testosterone (the symptoms of which can be low energy, depression, anxiety, poor physical recovery etc).
I'm no longer on the anti-anxiety meds and am on TRT.
As I say, not wishing to diagnose via the keyboard but what was very helpful to me was a set of private bloods (about £130) to check my hormone levels, various functions etc. No harm in seeing your GP and telling them how you feel, but based on the above I suspect they will ask if you are willing to go on anti depressants / anti anxiety meds unless there is something else going on in your life that might be contributing to feeling like this.
As others have said that sounds like depression. It’s not at all uncommon and I (and I’m sure many others) can relate to a lot of your symptoms.
Personally, I found Citalopram to be a miracle worker. After just a few days I felt more like “me” than I had in 2 years.
That in turn gave me the headspace I needed to work on the causes of my depression and slowly make significant and positive changes - to the point I’ve now been off the meds for 4 months and feel ok.
It’s a cliche, but you’ve taken the first step by posting.
The next step is to speak to your doctor and be open to the suggestions they make.
Best of luck!
Personally, I found Citalopram to be a miracle worker. After just a few days I felt more like “me” than I had in 2 years.
That in turn gave me the headspace I needed to work on the causes of my depression and slowly make significant and positive changes - to the point I’ve now been off the meds for 4 months and feel ok.
It’s a cliche, but you’ve taken the first step by posting.
The next step is to speak to your doctor and be open to the suggestions they make.
Best of luck!
Hi OP.
I have no useful advice but just wanted to say you're not alone. My life sounds as much of a car crash as yours, and every time I think I'm getting on top of things, something comes along and fks everything up for me again. I'm at the stage where I sometimes wonder why I bother doing anything anymore. I try and better myself and life just gets worse every time. I honestly think I might be cursed.
Anyway, I just wanted to say, if you want someone to chat to, feel free to email me, I don't exactly want to divulge on here what exactly has gone on to put me in a similar situation, but am happy to offer a shoulder to cry on so to speak, share experiences, rant, whatever. Or if you're local to me, then I'd be happy to go for a pint sometime if you ever wanted a friendly face to talk to.
All the best mate.
I have no useful advice but just wanted to say you're not alone. My life sounds as much of a car crash as yours, and every time I think I'm getting on top of things, something comes along and f
ks everything up for me again. I'm at the stage where I sometimes wonder why I bother doing anything anymore. I try and better myself and life just gets worse every time. I honestly think I might be cursed. Anyway, I just wanted to say, if you want someone to chat to, feel free to email me, I don't exactly want to divulge on here what exactly has gone on to put me in a similar situation, but am happy to offer a shoulder to cry on so to speak, share experiences, rant, whatever. Or if you're local to me, then I'd be happy to go for a pint sometime if you ever wanted a friendly face to talk to.
All the best mate.
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