How do I navigate life after a breakup?
Discussion
Long time PHer. Not my usual account.
About 2 months ago I ended a 7 year relationship for very good reasons (wasn’t going anywhere, different goals, effectively friends for the last 4 years). No kids. Didn’t live together full time. Both have own places. As clean a break as could ever really be. I’m mid 30s.
Basically, what do I now? All the usual things people suggest post-breakup I do already and have always done in the relationship. Gym, cardio, lots of hobbies, healthy eating etc. Very isolated, family a long way away, friends the same. Live somewhere I absolutely despise but house going on the market soon to be closer to family. Job is fine but at the moment going through the motions. Doesn’t provide anywhere enough stimulation to take me out of my head.
I’ve been on a few dates but feel like I’m getting so, so attached to people so quickly, constantly checking my phone to see if they’ve messaged back and when they don’t message back immediately or don’t seem fully invested it really, really hurts. This is so unlike me and it feels really uncomfortable. I take it this is a sign I’m not ready to be dating?
I wish I could just skip forward a year. I just cannot ever get out of my head, time is moving by at a crawl, days feel like weeks, hobbies and interests are colourless and uninteresting and there’s not a moment that goes by that my mind isn’t going 1000 miles an hour. What do I do?
Thanks. It feels good to put it down into words.
About 2 months ago I ended a 7 year relationship for very good reasons (wasn’t going anywhere, different goals, effectively friends for the last 4 years). No kids. Didn’t live together full time. Both have own places. As clean a break as could ever really be. I’m mid 30s.
Basically, what do I now? All the usual things people suggest post-breakup I do already and have always done in the relationship. Gym, cardio, lots of hobbies, healthy eating etc. Very isolated, family a long way away, friends the same. Live somewhere I absolutely despise but house going on the market soon to be closer to family. Job is fine but at the moment going through the motions. Doesn’t provide anywhere enough stimulation to take me out of my head.
I’ve been on a few dates but feel like I’m getting so, so attached to people so quickly, constantly checking my phone to see if they’ve messaged back and when they don’t message back immediately or don’t seem fully invested it really, really hurts. This is so unlike me and it feels really uncomfortable. I take it this is a sign I’m not ready to be dating?
I wish I could just skip forward a year. I just cannot ever get out of my head, time is moving by at a crawl, days feel like weeks, hobbies and interests are colourless and uninteresting and there’s not a moment that goes by that my mind isn’t going 1000 miles an hour. What do I do?
Thanks. It feels good to put it down into words.
My advice, ditch the pursuing of dating, enjoy the benefits of being single and doing things you enjoy doing. Once you’re content with your own company and doing what you want when you want, dating will be far easier. At this point in time you’re not liking being single and feel you need someone else in your life and this need is likely picked up on and your dates may see ‘clingy’ aspects to you which will put them off.
When you can be content with being single and doing you’re own thing, dating will be far easier, you’ll care less if a date goes bad yet you’re confidence in your independence will come across as a far more attractive trait
When you can be content with being single and doing you’re own thing, dating will be far easier, you’ll care less if a date goes bad yet you’re confidence in your independence will come across as a far more attractive trait
Find something productive to throw yourself into. Either a current or new hobby, you could get properly into the gym and get in amazing shape/very strong.
You could retrain to get a better job perhaps.
You could do your motorbike/gliding/skydiving/scuba/other licence.
I was in a rut once and I wrote out what I wanted my life to be like, then worked out how to get there. Don’t be too restrained: if you want a fitness model physique, a £100k a year income and an awesome car, put that down.
Good luck, feeling so down is rubbish.
You could retrain to get a better job perhaps.
You could do your motorbike/gliding/skydiving/scuba/other licence.
I was in a rut once and I wrote out what I wanted my life to be like, then worked out how to get there. Don’t be too restrained: if you want a fitness model physique, a £100k a year income and an awesome car, put that down.
Good luck, feeling so down is rubbish.
What worked for me initially (after divorce 7 years in) was reconnecting with people who I’d distanced myself from while I was married, and making a real effort to see friends / family again (even though my family is a clusterfck…!).
I went on dating apps, had dates with a number of ladies, but tbh I just wasn’t ready or into it. After some time I’m now a happy and grounded single guy, doing what I want when I want, and being in a relationship is genuinely the last thing on my mind.
I travel loads and appreciate my own time, naturally meeting new people along the way. It would be nice to click with a lady in the future but it’s not a priority.
From what you have said you could read up on attachment styles, which may help you make sense of certain things linked to how you are in a relationship.
I went on dating apps, had dates with a number of ladies, but tbh I just wasn’t ready or into it. After some time I’m now a happy and grounded single guy, doing what I want when I want, and being in a relationship is genuinely the last thing on my mind.
I travel loads and appreciate my own time, naturally meeting new people along the way. It would be nice to click with a lady in the future but it’s not a priority.
From what you have said you could read up on attachment styles, which may help you make sense of certain things linked to how you are in a relationship.
In the middle of lock down my daughter split with her boyfriend.
What she did was take the opportunity to find out who she was.
Going out on her own on walks, doing stupid hobbies, going out with friends when restrictions eased.
Eventually she started dating a really nice guy who works in the same hospital as her.
Eventually they moved in together.
But she needed 2 years of being single to be confident in who she was.
What she did was take the opportunity to find out who she was.
Going out on her own on walks, doing stupid hobbies, going out with friends when restrictions eased.
Eventually she started dating a really nice guy who works in the same hospital as her.
Eventually they moved in together.
But she needed 2 years of being single to be confident in who she was.
I'm only just beginning to get over a relationship ending back at the end of 2021 
What helped was a friend with benefits
but she's gone and got herself a rich boyfriend now.
He offered her Monaco whilst I offered her hikes in Surrey
As others have said, concentrate on me time.
I went abroad for a 5 week holiday back in December, on my own, first time ever.
Hated the first week, almost flew back but then just got into doing my own thing. My own plan, do what I want, change my mind, etc
I found it quite liberating.
Doing it again in June.
All the best fella.
What helped was a friend with benefits
but she's gone and got herself a rich boyfriend now. He offered her Monaco whilst I offered her hikes in Surrey
As others have said, concentrate on me time.
I went abroad for a 5 week holiday back in December, on my own, first time ever.
Hated the first week, almost flew back but then just got into doing my own thing. My own plan, do what I want, change my mind, etc
I found it quite liberating.
Doing it again in June.
All the best fella.
AD462 said:
I’ve been on a few dates but feel like I’m getting so, so attached to people so quickly, constantly checking my phone to see if they’ve messaged back and when they don’t message back immediately or don’t seem fully invested it really, really hurts. This is so unlike me and it feels really uncomfortable. I take it this is a sign I’m not ready to be dating?
You need to focus on getting yourself in order. This sounds like a 'needy' type mindset.S366 said:
My advice, ditch the pursuing of dating, enjoy the benefits of being single and doing things you enjoy doing. Once you’re content with your own company and doing what you want when you want, dating will be far easier. At this point in time you’re not liking being single and feel you need someone else in your life and this need is likely picked up on and your dates may see ‘clingy’ aspects to you which will put them off.
When you can be content with being single and doing you’re own thing, dating will be far easier, you’ll care less if a date goes bad yet you’re confidence in your independence will come across as a far more attractive trait
Agreed.When you can be content with being single and doing you’re own thing, dating will be far easier, you’ll care less if a date goes bad yet you’re confidence in your independence will come across as a far more attractive trait
Chainsaw Rebuild said:
Find something productive to throw yourself into. Either a current or new hobby, you could get properly into the gym and get in amazing shape/very strong.
Agreed.Do any of your hobbies, or things you might want to try, lend themselves to joining a club? E.g. hill walking, cycling, canoeing, "making and mending stuff" (men's sheds, repair cafe), .... even golf? Easy way of getting to know a new group of people, and finding out about other people is a great way of getting out of your own head for a while.
To update I think I’ve struggled because a lot of the things suggested to help you get over a breakup I have already done/do and they haven’t been working. Hobbies are motorbikes, cycling, gym/working out and yoga. Trouble is I tend to do them all solo which doesn’t really help, so maybe it’s time to find some groups.
Great point about the neediness, and I 100% agree, it’s so unlike me that it’s scary and really does show that I need more time.
Thank you, really appreciate the support and ideas.
Great point about the neediness, and I 100% agree, it’s so unlike me that it’s scary and really does show that I need more time.
Thank you, really appreciate the support and ideas.
Can I suggest a singles club ( assuming they still exist ) , I remember as a 18 yr old my sister telling me I need to go with her hubby to keep a eye on him , he was going with his 2 cousins to keep a eye on them , my reaction was you must be mad , a wasted evening with old women .
What a night , 44 years later I still can’t forget it , bil & his 2 cousins came home , I didn’t , sister went mad with bil , every 18 year old lads dream night , I’ll never forget it
Maybe not what your looking for op , but if you want unattached sex it was the place to go 40 yrs ago
What a bloody night that was
Hope you get sorted op
What a night , 44 years later I still can’t forget it , bil & his 2 cousins came home , I didn’t , sister went mad with bil , every 18 year old lads dream night , I’ll never forget it
Maybe not what your looking for op , but if you want unattached sex it was the place to go 40 yrs ago
What a bloody night that was
Hope you get sorted op
S366 said:
My advice, ditch the pursuing of dating, enjoy the benefits of being single and doing things you enjoy doing. Once you’re content with your own company and doing what you want when you want, dating will be far easier. At this point in time you’re not liking being single and feel you need someone else in your life and this need is likely picked up on and your dates may see ‘clingy’ aspects to you which will put them off.
When you can be content with being single and doing you’re own thing, dating will be far easier, you’ll care less if a date goes bad yet you’re confidence in your independence will come across as a far more attractive trait
This 100%, it is way too early to consider dating again. Also women can spot men who are not ready a mile away and as the poster above said you will come across as clingy. When you can be content with being single and doing you’re own thing, dating will be far easier, you’ll care less if a date goes bad yet you’re confidence in your independence will come across as a far more attractive trait
Give it time, it will get much better and don't rush to get back out there.
happychap said:
Given it was a long distance relationship, what did you give up and how can that be replaced.
As above, a lot of driving. Also a location (hers) that I loved, easy access to mountains, hills and the sea and a lovely house. Doing my best to move away from where I am though, house will be going up for sale soon.
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